100 Days of Silence by just_jenni

Part One: Escaping the Machine

I woke abruptly to a terrible cacophony which assaulted my ears, causing pain. My chest felt as though something heavy had fallen on it. Despairing, I clamored off my pallet, clutching at my breast, feeling for a wound until I realized that I had fallen asleep wearing my armour and it had compressed my chest. Rummaging for my gauntlets and weapons I cast my gaze around camp, seeing that my brothers were no longer there - their sleeping pallets lay empty on the ground like still and prostrate headstones. There was a yellow-orange glow in the surrounding sky. Thick, acrid smoke assaulted my nostrils and stung my eyes. The stink of burned flesh, twisted, charred metal and death permeated my world. Overwhelmed, I leaned forward and vomited bile into the dust. I hated fighting and in this moment I realized I could stay here no longer.

"Where are my brothers?" I screamed loudly but realized that no one could hear me.

Adversely, my screaming allowed me time to calm myself. Quickly I set to arming myself, pulling my helm over my head, with resolve to take up my arms, find my family and join them in fighting no matter how much I did not want to.

But I hate war. I hate all it stands for, the reasons why people feel the need to kill each other instead of talking out their problems and allowing the talks to break down. But I am the odd one. The youngest of my family and the least warlike, I realized that I could not carry on, that I could no longer force myself to go against my feelings and take up arms one more time, no matter that it was to fight the evil Morgoth and his demons. At that moment I no longer cared. I just had to get away from there.

'Ada,' I thought of my father as I picked my way through the debris on the ground. 'He and I are at opposite ends - he thrives on fighting. I love him and I love my brothers but I know there is a better way of life than this.'

In that moment I thought of my mother whom we had left behind and the memory pained me unbearably. Not only did I miss her but the separation of our once happy, carefree family was something I could not easily bear.

I stopped to look down at some corpses and shards of metal lying bloody at my feet. I could hear faint voices coming from over a nearby hill - I recognized my oldest brother Maitimo's rich baritone and cousin Findekano's clear, rapid-fire instructions to his men. I managed a wry smile, realizing that those two had always been inseparable and that even war would not serve to tear them apart.

The cacophony of battle noise became too much to bear and I turned away in despair. How can Maitimo, Findekano and the others enjoy this? But I know they thrive on it. It wasn't always this way but since we left our home and traveled here, it seems it is all they live for, Morgoth or no Morgoth.

I am sick of using Morgoth as an excuse. I curse him who drove Ada away from all reason, away from his family, home and vocation. Once he made jewels and other beautiful things and had no thought of killing, I was sure that he had once been a peaceful, loving man. But Morgoth and the advent of evil had driven Ada to go against everything he had previously loved.

Now I was planning to go against all that Ada was taking part in, separating myself from him and the rest of my family. For a moment I paused, sickened, unsure of what to do next. My selfish instinct told me to flee from this place of death which I could not bear to reside in a moment longer, but my training told me that running away would be an act of disloyalty to my family. The thought of betrayal was hard to bear. I worried not so much because of the wrath with which Ada would greet the news of my desertion but of the guilt that I would carry for the rest of my life. Unless I could convince myself that desertion was the right thing to do at this time. I was sure that I could do this.

At that moment, as if to make up my mind for me, I turned to see a riderless horse approaching me, and as it came closer I grabbed its flailing reins and pulled myself onto its saddle. Glancing down I could see that it was outfitted in protective garb for war. Its previous rider had left behind, voluntarily or not, saddlebags which were stuffed full. I guided the horse into a rapid trot and soon we had left behind the conflagration that was consuming the battlefields for better climes.

We traveled south through a heavily forested region, crossing over rivers and streams of such turbulence unlike anything in my homeland. I marveled at many of the sights and sounds in this new, undiscovered land, beautiful in its own way. It had none of the man-made features of Valinor with its highly regulated, organized beauty. Arda was natural, wild and disorganized. It excited me and I found myself drawn to its uncontrolled madness. My spirit soared with the pleasure of the exhilarating landscape unfolding before me.

After many hours of riding I realized that soon the horse and I must stop to find shelter. Placing my hand on his neck, I could feel his relief at leaving the battle behind, but also his fatigue. There were no paths leading to any civilization that I could see, nor any man-made structures to be found in this wilderness, but realizing that I would have to make my own satisfied me. I brought the horse to a halt beside a small brook within a forest glade. This place, unknown to me at the time, I would later come to know as West Beleriand.

Part Two: Haldar

I had been living in my little forest hut for exactly one hundred days. I knew this because I had been marking out the days on a smooth pine log that supported a corner of my new home. I was happy to stay where I was, letting my wounds heal, hunting and fishing in the surrounding forest and nearby streams. I had no desire to move on. Allowing my mind to heal and soothe itself, to become clear and free from violent thoughts, terrible memories and guilt became of primary importance. I desired to feel elvish again - it was something I felt I had lost in the pursuit of battle upon a foreign soil. Solitude was what I pursued in those 100 days of quiet.

On one glorious day when I was enjoying the warm sunshine and still waters while sitting on the edge of a stream fishing for my supper, I heard dry branches crackling in the brambles behind me. Startled, I turned my head to look over my shoulder and saw a man approaching me through the undergrowth. He surprised me by the way he looked - somewhat alien though he possessed two arms, two legs and other body parts the same as me. Yet he was not like me. He was much shorter than anyone I had ever seen and his body was covered in a short fur, or what he later told me he called his "fuzz". His complexion was not as pale as mine, his hair much coarser and worn short and unkempt, falling to just below his chin. Upon his face was a bushy growth of hair sprouting from his cheeks and chin. I was embarrassed that he noticed I was staring at him for much longer than was polite, but his appearance was so odd I could not help it.

"Welcome sir," I said simply in my own language.

He looked at me with a puzzled expression and returned my greeting. "Hello. I am called Haldar. I am son of Haldad of the region of Thargelion." He spoke in a common tongue for that part of the world which was quite simple for me to master - indeed I could understand most of it from when he first started speaking.

I stood and offered my hand to this strange man. When I rose to my full height I stood almost two feet taller than him. He stared up at me with his blond eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Amras," I told him, indicating my name by putting my hands on my chest and tapping my fingers. Picking up what I had just heard from him, I attempted to add in his language, "Son of Feanaro of - of -," I stammered a bit, then decided to say it although he probably wouldn't know where it was - "Valinor".

He didn't respond verbally, but sat himself down on the bank beside my fishing pole. Picking it up with a deft hand he expertly flung it out over the wter and almost immediately caught a fish, a large, nice-looking one with silvery scales glinting in the sun. He smiled hugely at me before he unhooked its mouth and tossed it into my hands.

"Amras." He nodded and smiled at me. In that moment I knew he and I would get along well. Without saying much at all this odd creature had charmed me.

My brothers and I had discussed the possibility of there being other inhabitants of Arda when we had arrived at Losgar and were sitting around the campfire one night.

"What will the people of this land think of us?" Macalaure, the most thoughtful of my siblings, posed this question which caused an immediate debate on whether or not any inhabitants existed, what they would look like if they were not elves like us and whether or not they would be welcoming to us.

Later on when it became clear that Haldar was settling in and meant to spend some time with me in my humble cabin and I had successfully learned his language, we talked to each other in depth about our families.

Haldar despised the result of war more than the fighting itself. He mourned many of his people who had died in battle but he did not fear death for himself. He told me tales about his sister called Haleth who shared his birthday, and in return I told him about Ambarussa, my twin, and since we had this in common I felt it strengthened the bond between us. But there was also an immediate attraction between us that we realized almost from the start. We began talking about everything we could think of - our families, our homes and personal experiences, how beautiful we both thought this land was with its rugged charm and all its contrasts - and how despite our differences we had so much in common.

Haldar spoke of his father and his sister who were both great warriors and loved fighting. He said it seemed to energize them and give them purpose. He explained that he was not like them but felt obligated to fight alongside them though it made him greatly unhappy. He told me that he had lost his way after escaping from the enemy during a recent battle and that is how he came to wander into the clearing that I had made near my cabin.

We talked about the evil that had permeated his world. I could not keep despair from creeping into my voice when I realized that my people and I had brought it with us.

"I'm sorry," I cried. "I hate what the pursuit of Morgoth has done to my family and my people. I believe that killing each other is wrong. Sometimes I think that the right thing to do would be to tell him to take whatever he wants and go, rather than continue to fight endless losing battles against him and his evil creatures. To continue suffering the wounds of battle, sometimes resulting in terrible deaths, without any end in sight sickens me until I cannot function anymore. I escaped from it, not because I was afraid but because I loathed fighting and suddenly I felt I could not continue."

When I said this to Haldar he became angry with me.

"Do you think that Morgoth would go away and leave your people alone even if you gave him what he wanted?" He shook his blond head vigorously. "There will never be an end to what he wants and he will never go away. That is why your people continue to fight him, in the hope that some day they will defeat him and cast him out."

I hung my head in despair. "Why am I so different? Am I stupid and too simple-minded to understand what you have just told me? Why am I so different from my father and my brothers?"

Haldar hugged me and stroked my hair. "You do think differently. It is what makes you unique. Perhaps your mother was this way?" He raised his eyebrows in a query.

"Yes," I replied, my voice low, letting the memory of her flood back into my thoughts. "She was that way - and I do resemble her in many aspects. She hated the thought of leaving her home and detested the plans my father had made for coming here. In fact, she could never understand why my father had changed so much and how he could have developed such hatred for Morgoth. She understood his desire for revenge but not to the extent to which it changed who he was. I grew up in a very happy home, as did my brothers. Two of them were married but only Curufin's wife accompanied us on our journey here, with their child in her arms to face the terrible crossing. But after we arrived on your shores and the fighting started she left him, taking the baby, my nephew Celebrimbor, with her at the urging of our cousin Galadriel. We know not where they are."

We spent almost 100 days together. I had been gone for 200 days in total. They were glorious days that I will never forget. they contained so much bliss and the comfort of healing that I will always be grateful for the time he spent with me after my first 100 days of silence.

I remember the first time we lay together. I think our physical attraction was borne out of curiosity but I believe that it was more our destiny that we were meant to meet and spend the time talking and working things out until we came to our ultimate and very different decisions.

Haldar needed a lot more sleep than I did and I would watch him as he lay, eyes closed, breathing deeply and contentedly as a babe. I would lie beside him gently stroking his chest or his thighs, enjoying the feel of his fair "fuzz", so new to me. I would smooth the untidy hair from his face, being careful not to wake him. I studied him, a finger as light as a strand of silk tracing the fine lines etched on his face by time and the elements - factors that did not turn the smoothness of my own features into wrinkles. But Haldar had told me all about his people with their short life spans. They aged much faster than we did and their lives ended what seemed to me to be far too soon. It made me sad to think of it but he told me not to feel that way because it was inevitable and they welcomed it as long as it did not come too prematurely.

Part Three: Escaping Inevitability Is Not Possible

The first time we turned our love into physical reality Haldar asked me to be the dominant one, saying that he would lie on his stomach, allowing me to take him from behind. I worried about the size difference between us but he reassured me that it would not be painful for him.

"For when we feel this love between us and the strong bond we hold, we should not feel pain. I will not let you all the way in if I feel it beginning to hurt. And I will finish you to your satisfaction." He stroked my hair, smiling while gazing deeply into my eyes.

"I want to feel your silky hair caressing my neck and shoulders while you take me."

"Is my hair that important?" I asked, whispering into his ear while nuzzling the side of his neck. I felt eager and ached to cover him with kisses. I could feel my arousal and was powerless to stop it.

"I love your hair," he said simply. "I have never seen any like it. It is glorious fiery like the sun and flames combined yet feels as cool to the touch as a spring flower in the rain."

I laughed. "I too am fascinated by your hair," I told him. "All the lovely fuzz that covers your entire body - the touch of it arouses me." I caressed his chest hair, then let my hand wander along his stomach to his belly, enjoying the feel of the rougher patch below before coming to rest between his thighs. I enjoyed his low moans of contentment when I gently squeezed him and took him into my hand. Eventually I rolled him onto his belly and took him as he had asked from behind, as delicately and softly as I could.

When it was over I bent my head and kissed the back of his neck where it creased into the top of his shoulder.

There were a myriad of ways in which we could have separated. The decision had probably been made for us before we met since we both carried the weight of guilt for abandoning our families and it had lain more heavily upon us than would our own separation which did not come about because of mutual loathing.

For my part I realized that not only was my rightful place with my family at this time but so was Haldar's. Eventually we may decide to leave our families once again because of our convictions but we could not see what lay ahead for us in the far future.

I had thought of a plan - I would return to the camp where I last saw my brothers with hope that they would still be there. Once reunited I would explain to them my true feelings about war and fighting, and then take my leave of them once more, Ambarussa by my side, and we would travel into the unknown lands west of here where we might find a place to make our home. I was sure that my twin would accompany me.

Haldar desired to rejoin his family to help them in battle, defeat the enemy and then build a fort that he and his father had discussed doing, then live out the remainder of their short lives together.

While I hated the thought of ending our relationship I realized that we were on different paths and our destinies required different obligations from each of us. If we should meet again in future that would be our ultimate destiny but it could not be of our making alone.

I realized the machinations of war that I despised so much were created by my father and Morgoth in their mutual desire to kill each other. One of them was surely destined to die and I felt it was not going to be Morgoth. I must try to reach my family before its eventual lasting separation. For me to leave them at this time was not the way I wanted our lives together to end.

Haldar and I held each other very closely in that last moment together, neither of us wanting to let go. Surrounding us in our little clearing nature was at its most vibrant, as though it had donned its best finery for our leave-taking. The sky was clear blue with a few scattered clouds. There was a gentle breeze that ruffled our hair and raised goosebumps on our skin. Early spring flowers had burst into bloom overnight, scattering rich colors over the verdant grass. Our little stream sang its bubbly song of farewell to us and we cried fresh tears to hear it.

"Goodbye, my dear friend," I whispered, breaking gently away from his warm grasp. "I lament that I know not if we shall ever meet again."

"Farewell, beautiful Amras," Haldar cried. "If you do wish to look for me after some time has passed, my home will be in Thargelion in the west near Lake Helevorn."

I promised that I would do my best to try to find him and we stepped away from each other. I released his hands that I had grasped in my own and felt the acute pain of parting.

"I will try my best to find you, " I whispered again.

I mounted my horse and rode away from him, looking back only once. He was disppearing into the undergrowth from where he had come. Turning my steed to the east, I began my journey back to my family.