In Wisdom... by just_jenni

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Chapter 1

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Melian wrung her hands, the gesture unusual for she never allowed herself to show despair. It was her desire to demonstrate strength through stoicism; 'let not your enemy see your inner struggles' was her mantra.

Nor your loved ones. She paced the floor of her rooms within Menegroth, her worried thoughts churning in her head.

Since she first set her gaze upon her husband so many years ago he had caused her much worry. This was mixed with elation and love but anxiety was the foremost emotion that rose to the surface once the elation had dissipated.

Unlike the Valar from whose music she had long ago sprung, she did not wish that her husband dealt alone with the problems he had helped to create, but in her innermost being she knew her people, the Valar, were right - it would be wise to let events take their course and not interfere lest the end result be not what it should. But sometimes it was so difficult to let things be when her first instinct was to protect those she loved.

Melian had fallen deeply in love with Elwe, now called Elu Thingol, but at the same time he made her uneasy. He was one of the Moriquendi, those dark elves who had never beheld the light of the great lamps or the two trees. But despite his vow as their leader to forsake the lights of the Valar he became so suddenly and completely enamored of one of their kind; Melian, a Maia whose light shone from her face and so besotted him that he forsook his people who were the Teleri and chose a life in Middle-earth where he ruled as king of the Sindar, a people he founded.

Much had transpired since they married and until the time of his death. Always Elu had deferred to Melian, considering her the wisest between the two of them. Since their marriage he had changed in appearance, taking on more of the look of a Maia to match his wife, his hair turning silver and his already lanky body growing taller. Melian knew the Valar and Maiar held great significance for Elu. He revered them she thought, perhaps too much. He had developed such an imperious attitude in his dealings with others, particularly the Noldor, that she disapproved but did not admonish him for it, preferring to let things take what she believed to be their predestined course.

She and Elu had suffered through too many ill events: Melkor returned to Middle-earth followed by Ungoliant; orcs multiplied and entered Beleriand, attacking Menegroth, so that Melian had to set her girdle about Doriath to protect her husband and his people. Morgoth's orcs cut off Elu from Cirdan, his closest friend and ally, the Wars of Beleriand began, and Denethor, an ally of Thingol's from Region had been slain along with his men. But the worst tidings they eventually received was that Feanor had come to Middle-earth aboard Telerin ships and had burned them.

Melian had been disturbed too, by the dark veil that had fallen over Valinor after the killing of the Trees. She sensed the gloom that lay upon the Noldor but told her friend Galadriel who visited Menegroth often that she could not see what it was. Galadriel had known the cause of it but did not tell her the worst of what she knew.

Perhaps the biggest mistake that had occurred was that Galadriel told Melian about the Silmarils and Melian passed the news on to her husband.

What have I done? She continued to pace, feeling sick with regret. Was that the turning point?

But Melian and Thingol had also experienced great joys, the greatest of which was the birth of their daughter, whom they called Luthien.

"Elu." She gazed at him smiling radiantly, their baby daughter nestling peacefully in her arms while all three lay resting in her large bed covered in pure white furnishings. The birth had been easy but exciting and rather overwhelming and all three of them needed to spend some peaceful time together.

He beamed at her and the baby, the glow of love shining from his eyes. "She is more beautiful than you," he said bluntly, "and I thought you were the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes upon."

She laughed, not at all offended.

"That is not an insult to you," he added, putting his hand on her shoulder in a comforting gesture. "But she has both your light in her eyes and the features of the elves in her face, which makes her more beautiful than anyone in the world."

Melian nodded. "I cannot disagree with you, Elu."

Melian reflected on the contrast between Luthien's early childhood and her life after the Doom of the Noldor had fallen on them.

She and Thingol discussed Finwe's slaying, for which he grieved greatly since at one time they had been close friends. He also felt sorrow for Feanor but never trusted his sons. Melian advised him to be wary of them.

"Take care, my love," she said, holding his arm to soothe him. "It may be best to stay as far away from the sons of Feanor as possible."

Why did I tell him about the Silmarils?

She knew how he loved the light he saw in her own face and should have known he would covet those accursed jewels.

It was Angrod, the only one of the Noldor whom Thingol gave any respect, who finally told him about the kinslaying. After that he was so angry that he banned the speaking of Quenya in his entire kingdom and banned Feanor's sons from ever entering his realm.

The years of Luthien's childhood were the best years of their lives together. But the deaths that followed: of her daughter, of Beren, of Finrod Felagund and finally her husband, were the worst things that had befallen them. It was something Melian had foreseen when she looked into her daughter's face and questioned her decision to let fate take its course. She felt that nothing worse than all the loss of lives was possible. Not the destroying of the earth because she felt that was impossible - the earth would always heal itself but the loss of lives could not be changed.

Am I more akin to the Valar than to my husband and daughter? Was Feanor right about the Valar taking no action to prevent terrible things from happening? Why did I allow my daughter to put herself through such torment? Should I not have told both her and Elu everything I knew?

Melian continued to torture herself with terrible thoughts and recriminations.

It is true that Luthien is much stronger than I ever was. Look at all she has done where I have done nothing. She made many difficult decisions and took many risks to achieve her purpose. She has spoken to Mandos before the Halls and she has got what she wanted from him. But what have I accomplished?

When Thingol held the Silmaril that Luthien and Beren had taken Melian told her husband to let it go but he refused and she mourned her failure to convince him.

It wasn't enough. I have done too little.

Thingol wanted to kill Beren but Melian spoke to him, talking him out of it, warning him that he had doomed either himself or Luthien. She did praise him for giving Beren good counsel but when he sought hers she refused, telling him that she would not help him and the doom he had caused must work to its end.

Have I contradicted myself? Could I have somehow prevented these deaths?

After her husband died she would speak to no one save Mablung, a long-time loyal servant of the Realm of Doriath, great warrior and friend to many heroes. He had lost as many friends and loved ones as she had. She trusted Mablung completely and his was a good ear to hear her sorrows.

Eventually she told him that she had made up her mind to leave for the West and asked him for one last favour.

"Dear friend," she whispered. "Would you go to Ossiriand to speak with Luthien and tell her that I have made my mind up to leave Beleriand and go back to the land of my people?"

"I wish you would not," he had replied, holding her hands in his and gazing at her with deep sorrow darkening his eyes.

She could see the lines in his face that had not been there before.

"No," she smiled and softly stroked the side of his face. "I have caused much pain and suffering, to you and so many others who have lost their lives because of me."

"Because of you, my lady?" He put his hand over hers. "Never because of you. But I choose not to tell you what I believe was the real cause of all our sorrows."

"Tell me." She demanded, "For if you do not then I shall take the agony of not knowing with me. I shall never see or speak with you again. You will not leave me carrying this burden?"

He sighed. "You are most convincing, my lady. I will tell you what I think. It was the oath of Feanor and his sons, and the doom that followed which was of their making. Theirs alone. Everyone in the kingdom believes this. No one blames Thingol and certainly no one blames you, my lady. You are the strongest, most capable person I know. If you allow me to say so, I believe you were stronger than your husband. You could not have prevented all that happened. It was not possible to break the curse that Feanor had laid upon all elves. The fate of our people was determined as soon as he uttered those words."

Melian nodded. "You are wise indeed, Mablung. Will you take care of the remainder our people when I am gone? But first promise me that you will deliver my message to Luthien."

"I promise," he smiled at her one last time.

Soon after this conversation Melian passed into the West, returning to the gardens of Lorien from whence she came. She spent the rest of her time walking in the gardens surrounded by her birds and other small animals, ruminating on the past and on what might have been.