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I feel like I ought to write something in response to reading your story, because I've been writing and thinking about the same scenario. First, this is a very well-written piece. It throws me off into all sorts of interesting areas of examination about writing and content vs. style and why people choose to write what they do. I think in my case I am congenitally unable to write anything so relentlessly grim. It certainly is upsetting, which I presume was your goal. Nor is it subtle. I had an interesting discussion about "angst" last night with a friend who speaks German, he pointed out that in fanfiction the word seems to mean anguish, where it actually means fear. (I looked it up in the OED and, while he may be correct in saying it means fear in the original, apparently the OED accepts anguish as one of the definitions.) In your case, the fear, pain, anguish and guilt are all present. So, I would call this angst by anybody's definition.

I told you yesterday that I personally find it very hard to read. I assume that writing of great pain is a way of expressing or venting and, thus, relieving one's one personal anxiety or confronting one's personal demons and that may be why it is so popular. What you've written in this story, so far, has been written with great passion. Aside from the fact that I am not comfortable reading or writing something so blatantly soaked in despair, I do sense within it some less dark emotions. There are tiny glimmers of light reaching through from the past.

In my own recounting of the story of Maedhros in Angband, predictably (if you knew me, I have a penchant for telling tragic stories with humor--I am less about confronting demons than overcoming them) I chose a very narrow, small part of his memories to expose. I based my own choice on personal experiences of knowing/talking with people who have actually endured similar trials (concentration camp survivors and political prisoners who had been tortured). I have found that they tend to reveal sparse but telling details that gives one a strong sense of what they experienced, without the graphic description. In fact, I think people have a tendency to suppress the graphic details when looking back on past pain. One could argue about Elven memory and say it would be all there all of the time (can't dispute that they would retain clearer memory than we do, but that would make the Eldar pretty fragile and I've personally never envisioned that to be the case; perhaps they are able to filter memory and only look when they choose to).

The key for me in my very different story I think is "survivor." I take what I consider a canon stance on Maedhros's life in my fic (and this I realize is an opinion and others interpret him vastly differently). He not only survived, but went on to do great things: I could not imagine how he could do that if he had, in fact, been destroyed. To loosely paraphrase Tolkien, he healed physically, but carried the pain in his heart. But we all carry a lot of pain. It doesn't have to mean we don't accomplish anything or rise above it the greater part of the time. (Of course, when I get to the point of writing the aftermath of the Battle of Unnumbered Tears, that will be a dramatically different story. Not exactly sure yet how I will handle that yet. But even after that he must be functional.)

I realize that you chose a completely different storyline, which gives you more latitude and the ability to inflict greater pain perhaps. I am not sure where you are going with this. I don't want you to be forced to reveal spoilers in order to answer that question. I'll follow the story with everyone else. You have succeeded here if what you wanted to do was hit the reader hard and make them think. The proof of the piece for me will be in where you take it.

Ok, first off, thank you for reviewing.  I was trying to make people upset enough to make them think, you know, not to the point where they couldn’t keep reading or leave a review.  So it means a lot that you would take the time to tell me what you think.  But I figured, you know, if I’m going to write this, I’m going to write it properly, not tame it down and fill it with euphemisms.

I hated writing this chapter.  I hated every moment of it.  It gave me all kinds of emotional breakdowns.  But I don’t know if I could have pulled off the rest of the story without it.  I mean, my plot is pretty drastically different than that of the published Silm – there is a huge difference between several years, and several centuries – and I don’t think I could have accurately accounted for his mental state without the explanation given here.  I have no idea why I chose to write this story.  Yes, I have been playing around with AU a lot in recent years, but where this one came from is a complete mystery.  But I fully intend to finish it – I am basically done with the next three chapters already – and I hope that I have not scared too many readers off.

I absolutely doubt that you've scared any readers off. I certainly intend to read the continuation. I'm fascinated to see where the AU revisions of canon will take you. I didn't mean to discourage anyone (and I am sure I did not, because, as I mentioned above, people love angst and pain--I'm the exception!).

Good luck with the rest of it.

This is an immensely intriguing AU. I never have read many Maedhros is hanging at Angband (or variations on it), but this story set 400 Sun years later after the event simply shows the concequenses of a simple change brilliantly. King Macalaurë, that certainly has something but you can sense his weariness so well.

As for Maedhros, after 400 years of prisonment, indoctrination, subordination, torture, he's closer to become one of Melkor's creature (or it just feels like it): even when free, will he ever be the same again? This is a great start: it pulls you in immediately and as a reader you already have many questions swirling in your head!

This however is my favourite bit of this chapter:

 “It is something I’ve always wondered,” Makalaurë agrees. “Do the spirits of Mandos have eyes?”

“More likely than those of the everlasting dark.” He stood, and left: most likely to find his twin.

Cool & cynical, what do they have to lose?

Oh dear, when I read:

“Alive, is it?” the creature cackles. “I’ll bet his family is missing him. Get him up.”

I suddenly had to think of Gelmir and his end at the start of the battle of unnumbered tears. Oi let's hope not!

Reading all of this, you showed his endurance, Maedhros wondering what it will take to snap and in a way gain release from here. But even so, how many centuries of healing in Mandos would that take? If killing the Orc captain was a test, will he rise more in ranks. The Orcish culture you depict here gives me the impression and a bit of insight how they would have 'socially' interacted. Especially the relationship with Amil is build up very well here. This might not be everyone's cup of tea, but on the other hand Orc's are 'created' some way and I can't shake off the feeling that the greatest taunting to the Noldor would be to see Maedhros turned into one. Is this a cruel and relentless culture, perhaps, but you most certainly give the reader a view on how it could have been.

Thanks for the review.  I did have Gelmir in mind, as I am basing the battle in this story off of Nirnaeth, although I will tell you that luckily (or unluckily!) it doesn’t go the same way for Maedhros.  Orcish culture has always fascinated me, in a bizarre way, so it was interesting to explore.  You certainly are onto the direction which this story will be taking (I was never much good at surprise endings), although it will get even more complicated in later chapters.

i'm no writer and would not have registered but to review this - i loved this fic sofar (and discovered too late that it is yet unfinished)

i must say that the idea of maedhros not being rescued or killed in itself was very interesting to me, and at first i imagined some sort of reunion unhoped for (which i would have loved to see if you had been going in the direction)

and then in the middle of the story i thought, omg, he's going to be turned into an orc! but then i thought that it could not be possible - i don't think i've ever read such a story before (and somehow i got the impression that amir was an elf, or an elf-like creature who has sufferend so long under morgoth that she has become loyal to him - i think that there is somesort of posttraumatic mental disorder where one who is captured or raped turns to the capturer/rapist for security because not enraging him/her is the only way to ensure the victim's own safety. i just can't remember the name right now O_O i like amir very much, and i loved they way she called maedhros her child - meaning the one she 'raises' or 'creates' to be one of her own?)

i have always been intruiged by the way tolkien said that orcs were originally elves (although i was told that in HoME he presented other origins for them), and imagined them maybe to be elves, but with wounds and bumps all over and not an inch of hale skin and mad (and their children born in that form), although lately i have come to think that they might be more elf-like still than i imagined (rereading lotr and noticing the orc-draught or the orc-medicine, mentioning of their beloved holes or what they would not do to avenge a leader)

i'm sorry if i've ranted too much but finding this story has excited me and i could keep jumping from one foot to another waiting for you to update it ^^° i'd like to see more of amir and what happened to her and of course what happens with maedhros. i love the way you describe his thoughts and feelings and his reactions to the torture because it seems realistic to me.

i'll stop ranting, i'm so sorry...

Thank you so much for reviewing!  I am always happy for one-line reviews, but long ones are even better, so you’ve just completely made my day. You could “rant” twice as much and I’d be just as thrilled... you certainly don’t need to apologize!  :D

In terms of the orc issue: I’m going with the Silm version, in which elves came from orcs.  Amil is a character from one of my early fics about the creation of orcs, meaning that she was technically one of the first orcs, and had originally been an elf (the captain who Maedhros kills was the same, and also taken from that fic).  So I’m going with the idea that Amil is certainly orcish, but still retains some elvishness as well, in ways that someone who was born as an orc would not.  Does that make sense?

I’m glad you think I kept things realistic, as that second chapter was one of the most difficult things I’ve written in my life.  As for a “reunion unhoped for”: I love Maedhros, and I love angsty reunions, so how could I pass up a chance to combine the two?  It’s actually going to be what much of the story centers around.  I can’t promise a quick update because I’m rather busy right now, but I’ve got drafts of the next few chapters already, and I will get them posted as soon as possible.  Thanks again!

Although I found this story very gripping from the very beginning, it's taken me quite a while to review it because of the second chapter. You did a great job describing something as awful as torture and I can't help thinking how tough it must have been to write it. If I were writing in Spanish (my first language) I would say that it's "movilizador" which does not quite translate as moving since it means that something makes you reconsider and rethink issues that were left dormant at the back of one's mind. Ok, the second chapter was very "movilizador".

As a consequence, I was happy to find your update. You give a very sweet take on the love story (so Finwe knew!). I like it that you go with the original view of Fingon as Gil-galad's father, which I find much stronger than Orodreth's fatherhood. Also very good is his feeling about his name in Sindarin, as if it didn't really belong to him. 

Good description of the Feanorians (ruthless swordmanship, pack mentality, perfect hair) and Findekano's feelings towards them. Also Nolofinwe, always the pragmatist.

One word about the language you use: it shows that it's not necessary for Elves to use archaisms or fanciful vocabulary to achieve the right register. Very good too.

Excellent AU. I hope you can update soon. I'll be looking forward to it.

 

Yes, Finwë knew – or that’s how I always saw it.  He was a peacetime king, for the most part, and I can’t see him opposing their relationship, as long as it doesn’t cause any problems.  I was trying to keep the love story aspect sort of cute but also foreshadowing.  Because, as much as we want it all to be happy and fluffy, The Silm is ultimately a tragedy.  In terms of Ereinion, I prefer the Orodreth version in general, because with the elves only being married once thing, it makes Mae/Fin more plausible.  However, I was thinking about the future of this story, and trying to figure out how to make the ending I have planned believable... and then I came to the very obvious conclusion that it would have to involve Ereinion.  You can probably imagine, but I’m not giving away more than that. :p

As for the chapter two: You are right in thinking that it was tough... I wrote it on and off over the course of a month or so, and came so close to emotional breakdown, I freaked out about it so badly.  But hearing that I did a good job of it makes me glad I went though with it, even if it was hard.

Thanks so much for all your feedback.  It was great to hear from you.

Oh, please don't apologise for this. It perfectly explains Fingon's mind and what uncertainty about Maedhros fate would have done to him and of course the betrayal, the crossing of the ice. I really like Finwë as a character and to me, it felt like something he would have done: simply accepting. You use the dream sequences so well here, also in a metaphorical sense. In Dutch we have a saying which indeed goes like burning all your ships which would be alike burning your bridges (or leaving your past behind you) and I could so see that here. But ah he's hurting so badly, feeling betrayed by Maedhros, the family he once knew and loved, I think in a way he feels let down by his father and can only live his life at half force because his other half is not there. What made me smile the most was this:

The two of them turned toward him. “Which one?” they asked in an Ambarussa-like unison, Findekáno and Makalaurë Kanafinwë,

I hope you can forgive me that when I read Káno, I always will think of Maglor first. But this scene was so immensely well done. I am looking forward to chapter 4!

Thank you for sticking with this story!  I imagine that having so much backstory unloaded at once might be difficult to read, so I really appreciate that you took the time to do so.  Keeping everyone in character when the plot is so wildly AU can really be a challenge, but I seem to have gotten Fingon right, which makes me happy.

As for the Káno issue, well, Tolkien attributed the name to Maglor, but I’ve seen it used for Fingon as well.  And I always thought it would get a bit confusing, you know, they have a reasonably close relationship (at least in my verse)... so I couldn’t help but mention it.

Chapter four is written, but it’s a total mess and needs some serious work. I will get it to you as soon as I can. :)

OK, so I don't normally read intense, heavy stuff and male-to-male slash (not for anything else but I do read fem slash).  I decided to make an exception to the rule because I was very curious how different this one would be.  Since I first read the Sil I've had my pet theories as to what could have happened to him while he was in captivity, ranging from the very silly (oh, you know me) to the most dark.

Honestly, I found this hard to read initially, especially the torture scenes of Maitimo.  In fangirl mode, I would have said : "How could you, Feta!!?!" Just kidding :^>) Oh, and I really, really hated Turgon here btw.

What I liked about this story is how strong Fingon's love is despite of what his lover had gone through.  I would like to know how Maitimo recovers from it and what the future holds for him in your story. 

Thanks so much for reading, especially when it’s not something you normally would have.  I remember I used to be very intimidated by darker, heavier stories, but I ran out of “lighter” angst and had to start on them.  It’s something you get used to.  (Yes, I am aware of how twisted that sounds.)  I actually did ask myself “How could you, Feta!!?!” while writing parts of this.  I mean, you know you’re getting into dark material when you feel uncomfortable reading over your own writing…!  (And I must admit, there is something inherently humiliating about having to rate your own story so that you legally can’t read it yourself.)

But why did I do it?  Because I feel like it’s a story that needs to be told.  Because I have this delusion that I’ll be able to tell it.  Because when the elves talk, I write, no matter what comes of it.

I might add that I’m glad you hated Turgon here.  As you probably know, I hate Turgon (he is in line behind only Finarfin and Beren!).  If you follow this fic, I promise to make you hate him even more. ;)

Thanks again for reading, and for taking the time to review.  Since you survived this, I suggest that you try a few of these “heavy stuff and male-to-male slash” stories that you’ve been avoiding, because I can guarantee you, there are some excellent ones out there, once you get over the initial shock.

I hadn't read any of your stories until today and obviously  missed out on a lot.

In one way, this story was terrible to read, the torture and horror and sadness so vivid, terrifyingly real. But you have such a wonderful way with words. Many times you phrased Maitimo's and Findekano's thoughts so beautifully that it had me in awe and it was impossible not to read on, because the beauty more than upweighed the horrors.

I would love to read more of your stories, but sincerely hope that your other stories are not quite as dark as this one.

Lissa

This is a very nice (if very dark) AU.  I love the way you show that Maedhros, while tough, is far from unbreakable.  And I love Fingon's desperation.  His death scene was incredibly touching.  Do you have any plans to put up another chapter?  It would be ncie to know Maedhros's ultimate fate.

Thanks so much... I seem to remember loving some of your stories many years ago, so I have to say, your feedback means everything to me.  I actually have another chapter that I completed last year & never posted - I should probably get around to that sometime soon.  The story is probably about half-complete at this point, but I really haven't had whatever it takes to work on it lately.  Someday, though.  And thanks again.

Yes!  Another chapter at last!

You do a great job here in showing Maedhros's proto-Orchishness, and his understandable ambivalence about contacting his younger brothers.  I love his observations of each of them!  It's going to be interesting to see how Maglor reacts now that he knows who the 'spy' actually is.

What a treat! Another chapter! Yes!

I love how you describe Maitimo's condition, how he can only survive if he lives in the present and keeps away from his brothers but at the same time trying to help them, picking arrows and  finding missing harps. The way the brothers relate among themselves is also great, especially Makalaure and Tyelkormo who seem to be getting on each other's nerves. Makalaure as king is also very good, who doesn't enjoy power but plays his role as a duty to his father and brother. I wonder how he will react now (eagerly looking forward to the next chapter)

 

This story is just fabulous- you have made me wince, squeeze my eyes shut, smile and cry. Such an original idea that still follows the outline of the Silm but you have given it this wonderful voice- of Maitimo and it is very very believable  - perhaps more so than the rather implausible version of Fingon taking a harp and singing to find Maitimo. I very much look forward to the next update- it is absolutely brilliant and your writing is superb.