An unexpected journey - getting into the Tolkien fandom by daughterofshadows

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An unexpected journey - getting into the Tolkien fandom

Contains some mention of upsetting fandom experiences mainly due to arophobia

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An unexpected journey – how did I get here?

It was my best friend who really got me into Tolkien, the same way he introduced me to so many other things in my life.

It was January, and it was his birthday party, and we watched An Unexpected Journey, and suddenly all the names I had been confused by when I had started and quickly abandoned the Hobbit in book form a year beforehand disappeared.

Now I had faces for all the names that looked too similar for me to keep apart at first.

Unsurprisingly, I read the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings in quick succession. The Silmarillion followed as soon as I had found someone who could loan me a copy.

By March I had discovered fanfiction, and after that, my descend happened quickly and painlessly.

 

 

The reasons I stayed – what’s not to love?

Tiny me devoured encyclopaedia after encyclopaedia, always hunting for new bits of knowledge, and Tolkien turned out to be a treasure trove of new lore to learn about. To dig into, to submerse myself in.

The perfect place for a bullied thirteen-year-old to disappear into. I dove right into learning as much as I possibly could.

 

It’s still one of the things I adore most about his books.

There is always something new to discover.

Every time I re-read it, I find something new and fall in love all over again.

 

Reading his books has brought me excitement and joy, frustration and tears. I laughed, I cried, I screamed into my pillow, and I felt the urge to throw things.

The only thing it doesn’t is leave me untouched.

The wealth of emotions his works evoke are also something that I love.

 

I have met some fantastic people through my love for these stories (yes, I mean you, SWG discord, hi!), and talking to them, or reading their conversations, has opened so many new perspectives that I appreciate greatly, even if I don’t always agree with them.

In seven years in fandom there have been some terrible moments and some great moments, and overall, the good experiences outweigh the bad.

 

 

Tolkien fan and queer – the good, the bad and the in-betweens

In the Tolkien fandom, I found a home, a place to rest, and space to grow.

I could figure out who I am, what being queer meant to me as a person.

I find myself reflected in so many characters of Tolkien’s, and especially the Lord of the Rings is such an aro-positive story to me, in general.

 

For once, it is not a romantic couple that saves the day.

For once, the romantic entanglements are not the focus of the story, do not force themselves on me and the plot wouldn’t utterly collapse without them either.

It is fantastic, I love it, and it is what makes Tolkien so deliciously attractive to me.

 

Sadly, finding other aspec-positive readings of Tolkien can be hard to come by, and talking about your own ideas can often be isolating at best, and outright dangerous at worst.

For quite a few fans the suggestion that maybe and especially the popular gay ships in fandom – I’m thinking Sam and Frodo, Russingon, Legolas and Gimli, for example – are aromantic, and thus friends and nothing else, is unpalatable.

You quickly get lumped in with the homophobic fans, who are just as dismissive of aro headcanons, as the queer positive side.

 

So even though aromantic and asexual readings of characters are still queer readings of Tolkien, as supported by the text as any other queer reading, a large part of the queer positive Tolkien fan community does not accept them as such.

Interestingly, in my experience the push-back on aro Haleth or Aredhel readings, for which I harbour more than a soft spot, can be quite a bit less significant. I have ideas on why that might be the case, but their place is not in this text.

 

 

Lessons learnt – the things I take away with me

Tolkien taught me that one queer reading can and will completely oppose other queer readings, even to the point of suffocating fellow queer fans.

He taught me that sometimes you have to dig deep to find the right people for you in the community, because the ones you don’t mesh with have the loudest voices.

 

I learnt about the value of kindness, and that sometimes knowing when to take a break is just as important as continuing to move.

But most of all he taught me that there is always hope. That you can persevere even in the greatest darkness, and that doing something, even when the odds are stacked against you, is always better than doing nothing, because who knows, maybe it will lead to success in the most unexpected ways.

There is value in the small things in life, the quiet pleasures of a good book and a homecooked meal and taking the time to appreciate them is not time wasted, but time well spent.

 

It is those lessons I will keep with me for the rest of my life, and for that I am eternally grateful.