The Library of Mandos by kimikocha

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The Library of Mandos

From: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 27 March, 12:49 PM
To: Melkor <melkor@valar.gov>; Morgoth <morgoth@void.net>; Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>
Cc: House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>; Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>
Subject: OVERDUE FEES

To whom it may concern,

FIRST NOTICE: Library records show the following item(s) overdue. Please return or renew them as soon as possible to avoid further charges. Note that late fees for Dark Lords accrue at the rate of one (1) Silmaril per day.

TWILIGHT — MEYER, STEPHANIE
Due Date: T.A. 3019, 26 March
Bar Code: 1234567890

Contact your library for more information:
Library of Fëanor
Halls of Mandos
Northern Shores, Aman

 

 

From: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 27 March, 1:09 PM
To: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>
Cc: Patootie, Cutie <mairon@angband.gov>; Lord, Dark <sauron@barad-dûr.gov>; Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>
Subject: RE: OVERDUE FEES

The Master of the Fates of Arda need not heed the whining of the worms which cringe at His feet. Especially not your pathetic whimpers, O Disappointing Son of Finwë.

Besides which, I didn’t borrow this book in the first place. Pet?

 

 

From: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 9:00 AM
To: Melkor <melkor@valar.gov>; Morgoth <morgoth@void.net>; Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>
Cc: House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>; Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>
Subject: OVERDUE FEES, AGAIN

To whom it may concern,

SECOND NOTICE: Library records show the following item(s) overdue and have incurred late fees at the Dark Lord rate of one (1) Silmaril per day.

If payment is not made, your account will be referred to collections via the Sons of Fëanor.

TWILIGHT — MEYER, STEPHANIE
Due Date: T.A. 3019, 26 March
Bar Code: 1234567890

Contact your library for more information:
Library of Fëanor
Halls of Mandos
Northern Shores, Aman

 

 

From: Maedhros Fëanorion <maedhros@housefëanor.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 9:05 AM
To: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>
Cc: Fingon Fingolfinion <fingon@housefingolfin.org>; Maglor Fëanorion <maglor@housefëanor.org>; Celegorm Fëanorion <celegorm@housefëanor.org>; Curufin Fëanorion <curufin@housefëanor.org>; Caranthir Fëanorion <caranthir@housefëanor.org>; Amrod Fëanorion <amrod@housefëanor.org>; Amras Fëanorion <amras@housefëanor.org>
SUBJECT: RE: OVERDUE FEES, AGAIN

Dad,

Oh, HELL no. I have absolutely no idea what you’re playing at, but we are NOT doing this again. My husband and I will continue enjoying our newly re-embodied lives together, and will disregard this message.

Regards,
Maedhros

P.S. – You DO realize that Morgoth doesn’t even HAVE the Silmarils anymore, right?

 

 

From: Maglor Fëanorion <maglor@housefëanor.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 9:12 AM
To: Maedhros Fëanorion <maedhros@housefëanor.org>; Fingon Fingolfinion <fingon@housefingolfin.org>
Cc: Celegorm Fëanorion <celegorm@housefëanor.org>; Curufin Fëanorion <curufin@housefëanor.org>; Caranthir Fëanorion <caranthir@housefëanor.org>; Amrod Fëanorion <amrod@housefëanor.org>; Amras Fëanorion <amras@housefëanor.org>
Subject: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES, AGAIN

Sorry, I think this is my fault. I thought Dad could use some inspirational material, so I put a DVD of the Shawshank Redemption in his last care package. For the record, I did not foresee him deciding to focus on the ‘library’ part of becoming Andy Dufresne.

I thought his takeaway would be to try and tunnel out of Mandos through the sewers. I figured that living a happy life somewhere on a beach with a nice boat would be healthier than spending innumerable eons obsessing over the family jewels.

 

 

From: Celegorm Fëanorion <celegorm@housefëanor.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 9:13 AM
To: Maglor Fëanorion <maglor@housefëanor.org>
Cc: Maedhros Fëanorion <maedhros@housefëanor.org>; Fingon Fingolfinion <fingon@housefingolfin.org>; Curufin Fëanorion <curufin@housefëanor.org>; Caranthir Fëanorion <caranthir@housefëanor.org>; Amrod Fëanorion <amrod@housefëanor.org>; Amras Fëanorion <amras@housefëanor.org>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES, AGAIN

Maglor, WHY AM I NOT FUCKING SURPRISED THIS WAS UR FAULT

Congrats on FINALLY getting laid btw Maedhros

 

 

From: Maedhros Fëanorion <maedhros@housefëanor.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 9:15 AM
To: Celegorm Fëanorion <celegorm@housefëanor.org>
Cc: Maglor Fëanorion <maglor@housefëanor.org>; Fingon Fingolfinion <fingon@housefingolfin.org>; Curufin Fëanorion <curufin@housefëanor.org>; Caranthir Fëanorion <caranthir@housefëanor.org>; Amrod Fëanorion <amrod@housefëanor.org>; Amras Fëanorion <amras@housefëanor.org>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES, AGAIN

Thanks, Celegorm! ?

I think it’s probably for the best if we just ignore any further emails about this. Best not to encourage any more of Dad’s weird hobbies. (THAT GOES ESPECIALLY FOR YOU, CURUFIN.)

 

 

From: Curufin Fëanorion <curufin@housefëanor.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 9:18 AM
To: Maedhros Fëanorion <maedhros@housefëanor.org>
Cc: Celegorm Fëanorion <celegorm@housefëanor.org>; Maglor Fëanorion <maglor@housefëanor.org>; Fingon Fingolfinion <fingon@housefingolfin.org>; Curufin Fëanorion <curufin@housefëanor.org>; Caranthir Fëanorion <caranthir@housefëanor.org>; Amrod Fëanorion <amrod@housefëanor.org>; Amras Fëanorion <amras@housefëanor.org>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES, AGAIN

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Just because I, too, enjoy playing artificers on D&D night…

Relax, Maedhros. This endeavor does not interest me in the slightest.

More importantly… Am I the ONLY person who noticed that Sauron’s name is showing up as “Cutie Patootie” on his Angband email?! ?

 

 

From: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 11:02 AM
To: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>
Cc: Patootie, Cutie <mairon@angband.gov>; Lord, Dark <sauron@barad-dûr.gov>; Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>
Subject: RE: OVERDUE FEES, AGAIN

I see that in addition to being a disappointment, you, O Stupidest Son of Finwë, cannot read. Please refer to My last email, attached.

Pet, if you borrowed this, kindly return the foul thing posthaste. Such vapid literature is bad for our public image, which, as you well know, is supposed to be evil.

 

 

From: Patootie, Cutie <mairon@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 1:12 PM
To: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>; Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>; Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>
Subject: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES, AGAIN

Master,

Firstly, do excuse me for being somewhat remiss in answering my emails these past few days. You might say that I’ve had a few ‘small’ matters to attend to. (Oh, and Fëanor? Do note that unlike some, ignominious defeat has not entirely stripped me of everything resembling a sense of humor. You might try it sometime.)

In regards to the overdue library book — Master, if you had read the series in question, you would know that it most assuredly is evil. If your tastes run in that direction, I particularly recommend the last installment.

That being said, I myself did not borrow this book from Fëanor’s library. Perhaps it was Gothmog? My own tastes, as well you know, run more in the direction of Fifty Shades of Grey.

In fact, having quite abruptly found myself with an excess of spare time, I have composed the attached list of recreational activities for your perusal. The list can be sorted by category, implement, anatomy, and fetish, and includes links to reference and educational materials as well. Do let me know if anything looks interesting.

With (evil) love and kisses,
Mairon

 

 

From: Fingon Fingolfinion <fingon@housefingolfin.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 1:24 PM
To: Patootie, Cutie <mairon@angband.gov>; Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>; Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Cc: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>
Bcc: House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES, AGAIN

To the obviously very happy couple,

I am more than happy to wish you both all joy of each other, and indeed am quite heartened to see further proof that love may transcend all boundaries — including those of good and evil. If you have created a wedding registry, please do send it along!

That being said, I would also kindly and in the spirit of friendship advise that you stop CCing everyone and God on this email chain. While I certainly respect and encourage open and healthy communication regarding your sexual preferences, it is not necessary that all should know such intimate details of the precise type of joy you take in each other.

With sincere wishes for your continued happiness in damnation,

Fingon Fingolfinion

P.S. – In the interest of respecting your privacy in the event that you used ‘reply all’ unwittingly, I made sure to close the spreadsheet as soon as I opened it. Unfortunately, I did not do so swiftly enough to miss noting the term ‘Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics’. However, I was under the impression that this was a fictional trope, not a sex act? I am somewhat confused, but out of respect for your privacy, shall refrain from googling this further.

 

 

From: Celegorm Fëanorion <celegorm@housefëanor.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 1:25 PM
To: Fingon Fingolfinion <fingon@housefingolfin.org>
Cc: Maedhros Fëanorion <maedhros@housefëanor.org>; Maglor Fëanorion <maglor@housefëanor.org>; Curufin Fëanorion <curufin@housefëanor.org>; Caranthir Fëanorion <caranthir@housefëanor.org>; Amrod Fëanorion <amrod@housefëanor.org>; Amras Fëanorion <amras@housefëanor.org>
Subject: FINGON WHAT THE FUCK

[This message was sent without text in the body.]

 

 

From: Maglor Fëanorion <maglor@housefëanor.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 1:29 PM
To: Fingon Fingolfinion <fingon@housefingolfin.org>; Maedhros Fëanorion <maedhros@housefëanor.org>
Subject: RE: RE: FINGON WHAT THE FUCK

…

Fingon, you really are a lovely person, but sometimes I really think you’re a bit too open-minded.

 

 

From: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 2:25 PM
To: Patootie, Cutie <mairon@angband.gov>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>; Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Noldor <list@noldor.aman.org>; Sindar <list@sindar.aman.org>; Atani <list-all@arda.net>; Vanyar <list-all@aman.org>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES, AGAIN

My most delightfully salacious pet,

Once again you prove most pleasing to Me, for long and hard has been My attentiveness as I have perused the list you sent. As soon as you have tied up any remaining loose ends in Arda, I would have you convey yourself swiftly to your rightful place — lovely and feral, bloodied and glorious, at My feet.

As motivation, in the attached, I have taken the liberty of briefly describing a few of the ways we might occupy ourselves in the unending night to come.

With anticipation and the greatest of (evil) love,
Melkor

P.S. – In honor of the progenitor of this most enjoyable email chain, I thought that in lieu of using our typical safeword, ‘Manwë’, on this occasion we might elect instead to use ‘Fëanor’. What think you, pet?

 

 

From: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 2:32 PM
To: Námo <mandos@valar.gov>; Mandos <admin@hallsofwaiting.gov>
Cc: Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; Nienna <nienna@valar.gov>
Subject: You win.

I repent. Of everything.

 

 

From: Fingon Fingolfinion <fingon@housefingolfin.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 2:57 PM
To: Lord, Dark <sauron@barad-dûr.gov>; Mairon <mairon@aulë.org>
Bcc: Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; Nienna <nienna@valar.gov>
Subject: Style tips for the modern Dark Lord – how to plan the perfect getaway!

[CAUTION: This email came from an organization known for harboring goody two-shoes. Exercise caution when downloading or opening any attachments.]

[Advertisement blocked]

Hi Mairon,

I apologize for the weird subject line and the spammy stuff – I just wanted to make sure this wouldn’t get you in trouble if a notification popped up on your screen. I saw the comment the Dark Lord made about having you ‘bloodied’ at his feet, and I just wanted to see if you’re okay. Please know that regardless of all the ‘Dark Lord’, ‘mortal enemies’, etc. history, you can reach out to me any time if you’d like someone to talk to. My cell phone # is 555-346-4663, country code Aman.

Below are some domestic violence resources as well. All are disguised as something else related to your chosen profession, but display resources if you hold down the escape key, so you can still browse them if the Dark Lord is monitoring what you do on the internet.

Dark Lord Style Guide

Evil League of Evil - Resources

Resources for World Domination

Lifestyles of the Grimdark and Evil

Please let me know if you need anything. There is, and must always be, a way out.

Sincerely,
Fingon Fingolfinion

 

 

From: Fingon Fingolfinion <fingon@housefingolfin.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 3:00 PM
To: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; Nienna <nienna@valar.gov>
Subject: Please reinstate Mairon’s aulë.org email address

Hello all,

I received an undeliverable notice for Mairon’s @aulë.org email address. I would like to respectfully ask that you reinstate it. As you know, many victims of domestic violence experience difficulty leaving as a result of abusers monitoring their communications, internet usage, etc. If Mairon is in such a situation, as all too often is the case for those in relationships with Dark Lords, it will be all the more difficult for him to reach out for help if the only email addresses he can access are those associated with Morgoth.

I cannot imagine that you would want to contribute to such a situation, and therefore look forward to your prompt attention to this matter.

Sincerely,
Fingon Fingolfinion

 

 

From: Mairon <mairon@aulë.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 3:47 PM
To: Fingon Fingolfinion <fingon@housefingolfin.org>
Subject: RE: Style tips for the modern Dark Lord – how to plan the perfect getaway!

…Dear devils below.

Fingon (i.e. pathetic worm, etc., etc.), congratulations: you have actually put me at a loss for words. How in the name of Ilúvatar’s hemorrhoids every alarm in Angband didn’t go off the moment you stepped off the Helcaraxë, I will never know. You are so disgustingly, despicably nice. It is nauseating. How do you live like that?

Really. You saw one word in my Master’s email and just like that, decided to simply put aside literal oceans of tears shed and blood spilled and oh, that small matter of a certain manacle on a certain mountain, not to mention your father being squished like a particularly irritating gnat, and THEN your own subsequent DEATH…

To send me links to domestic violence resources.

Have you considered seeking medical attention? I think something must be wrong with you. The most disturbing thing about this is that you’re completely sincere. Ugh. That’s just not natural.

Anyway.

Your concern is… weirdly appreciated, but it is also entirely unwarranted. I am an enthusiastically consenting participant in all proceedings. Did you miss the entire preceding thread of conversation where I discussed my taste in reading material? Not to mention the massive spreadsheet?

…You know what, don’t answer that. You Noldor would be the sort to stick to missionary.

Hopefully, that will, uh… assuage… whatever this is, you sickeningly nice weirdo. Should you be interested in moving beyond missionary in your personal life, I recommend the massive spreadsheet I so helpfully provided previously rather than Fifty Shades of Grey. The latter is, while occasionally titillating in a rather pedestrian sort of way, not particularly accurate.

With intense discomfort and a certain degree of nausea,
Mairon

P.S. – I saw your postscript, and I cannot believe I am saying this. Fingon (pathetic worm etc.), not everyone is as injudicious with their use of the reply-all feature as your father and father-in-law. I sent that spreadsheet to everyone and God on purpose. Reading it was the whole point. If your father-in-law insists on CCing everyone and God on his emails, it is entirely appropriate that he suffer the natural consequences of his actions — i.e., continued CCs to everyone and God. But yes, you are correct, Alpha/Beta/Omega dynamics is in fact a fictional trope, not a sex act. (Admittedly the lines may be crossed when one has the ability to change their physical form at will, but this is hardly relevant to you, who can no more sprout a knot than you can cease being a disgustingly nice fucking bodhisattva of compassion or whatever the fuck aberration you are.)

P.P.S. – If you felt it was necessary to declare an emergency over my Master’s ‘bloodied’ remark, which in context seems as likely to refer to the blood of my enemies as to my own blood, you may wish to exercise caution should you decide to further investigate the above-referenced trope.

(To clarify: My own feelings toward the trope in itself are neither positive nor negative — it is in itself neither good nor evil, it simply is. But I am not in the habit of restricting my reading material to the latest edition of Chicken Soup for the Soul, as I suspect you probably do, you despicably nice freak of nature. You seem like the sort of person who would unironically listen to that “I Hope You Dance” song. On repeat. For hours. Therefore, I would also advise you to heed any content warnings you may see within this genre, O Weird Dork Who Probably Still Refers to Fucking as ‘Lovemaking’.)

P.P.P.S. – Actually, heed any content warnings you see in general. And confirm whether ‘CBT’ actually refers to ‘Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’ before you click on it. No, I am not going to explain further. If you must permit your curiosity to get the better of you, ask Yavanna. I’m sure she’d love to discuss the creative uses dear Aulë has found for certain… implements.

P.P.P.P.S. – If you somehow get some sort of idiotic idea into your head about me not being entirely beyond redemption based on any of this freely offered advice, you sickeningly nice aberration of… existence, I will find a way to call a plague of tribbles down on you.

 

 

From: Fingon Fingolfinion <fingon@housefingolfin.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 4:13 PM
To: Mairon <mairon@aulë.org>
Bcc: Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; Nienna <nienna@valar.gov>
Subject: RE: RE: Style tips for the modern Dark Lord – how to plan the perfect getaway!

Hi Mairon,

I was delighted by the testy incredulity in your response! It does reassure me somewhat that you are indeed happy, and feel safe in your relationship — though I also recognize that your standards may differ from the traditional. Nonetheless, if you ever do feel differently, please know that the offer stands.

Sincerely,
Fingon Fingolfinion

 

 

From: Patootie, Cutie <mairon@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 30 March, 4:20 PM
To: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>
Subject: I need a shower. An evil shower.

Master,

Please excuse my absence from the ‘overdue books’ chain. Whilst normally I would partake most gleefully in such a delightful thread, at present, I find myself quite unable to muster any degree of evil joy at the prospect. A certain sickeningly nice individual has, you might say, killed the mood.

I am most distressed. I feel as though I have been dipped head-first into a pit filled with puppies and kittens, which themselves were first dipped in rainbows. While watching a crossover episode of My Little Pony and Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Or something like that.

I wish to think on it no longer. This occasion ill-befits thoughts wasted on such ghastly things. Let my mind turn, then, to more pleasant matters.

Shortly, I shall arrive at the gates of the Void.

None shall bar my passage, if they know what is good for them. I shall step into the darkness, which to me is perfect light. Soon enough, I shall see your face — and oh, Master, it has been so long.

If I have fallen short in striving tirelessly for evil, it is in this: that defeat tastes not so bitter when with it comes the promise that I will taste your lips once more. When I had aught to lose, I could not risk the journey — and now, when I have lost everything, still I feel as if I have gained all the more.

It has been far too long.

Oh, Master — to fall to my knees before you, I, who bow to none — to find myself a supplicant, prostrate at your feet—

So tender were the joys you proposed to me before, yet it is not tenderness which I desire now. Put simply, Master, I wish to bleed — I wish to scream as the flesh is flayed from my back until I can scream no more. I wish to burn, to be made and unmade, as raw steel upon the anvil. And when that is over, I wish to fall broken at your feet and have you take your pleasure of me there. Roughly, mercilessly, until my silver tongue knows no other word but Master — and then, only then, do I desire tenderness.

It has been so very long.

To bleed, and be broken — and yet not broken. For can it ever be called a ‘breaking’, that which gives rise to so glorious a joy? In truth, dear Master, your hands have never broken me — though I like to imagine they could, if that were your desire. For oh, what frissons of delight spark at the hint of such a danger!

I rather hope it true — that you could break me if you chose, notwithstanding all the times you’ve said you suspect it would be impossible. All things that are made can be broken again, I think — and if not, Master, I beg you, permit your humble servant but a fantasy or two?

It has been so long, and I have missed you so.

Now the gates of the Void rise before me. Such sweet joy they bring! Though it has been millenia, I now find every moment that passes without seeing your face a most intolerable torment. I shall send this to you now, and with it, my devotion.

Let the winds which rise in darkness speed my way to you! When I see you, Master, take me, I entreat you. Take me, break me, let me remember that as always, I am yours.

With all my (evil) love and adoration,

Mairon

P.S. – If the coming night is as glorious as I imagine it will be, it may escape my mind to mention this. The only thing I hate more than to lengthen the time until I see you is to fail in keeping your house in order (so to speak), so quickly — I have found an interesting document which it may be profitable for us to discuss. It is called the Evil Overlord list.

 

 

From: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 10:32 AM
To: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>; Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>; Patootie, Cutie <mairon@angband.gov>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>
Subject: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

To whom it may concern,

THIRD NOTICE: Library records show the following item(s) overdue. Please return as soon as possible. Silmarils aside, Finarfin has recently read New Moon. He enjoyed it so much that he has been nagging me incessantly about getting the first book in the series back on our shelves. He wishes to read it before proceeding to the next installment.

TWILIGHT — MEYER, STEPHANIE
Due Date: T.A. 3019, 26 March
Bar Code: 1234567890

Contact your library for more information:
Library of Fëanor
Halls of Mandos
Northern Shores, Aman

 

 

From: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 10:47 AM
To: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>
Subject: RE: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

This is Mairon; my Master is taking a brief nap. Given that my standard-issue pair of hands is otherwise occupied with being welded to the bedpost, I had to grow an entire extra pair to type this email. I expect the effort involved to be respected accordingly.

GOTHMOG. IF YOU BORROWED THIS FUCKING BOOK, KINDLY RETURN IT POSTHASTE SO THAT FËANOR SHUTS THE FUCK UP AND STOPS INTERRUPTING MY RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES WITH HIS FUCKING OVERDUE NOTICES.

IF YOU DON’T, I AM NOT ABOVE SETTING YOUR ROMANCE NOVEL COLLECTION ON FIRE, BEST FRIEND OR NO.

To the rest of those CC’d on this thread, please do excuse the magical shouting that just emanated from your computer. Sometimes desperate times come for desperate measures. However, I would like to note that I was not the one who started this thread CCing the entire houses of Finwë, Fëanor, the Valar, and God.

Oh, and Fëanor, have a free piece of advice. Have you considered issuing library cards to individuals, instead of entire houses, organizations, etc.? That one simple change would have prevented this entire administrative debacle.

 

 

From: Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 10:53 AM
To: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>; Patootie, Cutie <mairon@angband.gov>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>
Subject: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

Holy shit, Mairon! I know you haven’t been laid in a few millennia, but geez, testy, much?

I didn’t borrow this book either. I’m still working on The Notebook.

 

 

From: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 10:54 AM
To: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

…The Notebook? Seriously? Gothmog, I have a lot of questions, and I’m not sure I want answers to any of them.

More importantly, WHO THE FUCK BORROWED THE STUPID BOOK, THEN?!

 

 

From: Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 10:55 AM
To: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>; Patootie, Cutie <mairon@angband.gov>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

How would I know, if I didn’t borrow it? ?

 

 

From: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 10:56 AM
To: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

…Do you really want me to answer that question? O Sweet-Cheeks, president of a certain… club?

 

 

From: Maglor Fëanorion <maglor@housefëanor.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 10:57 AM
To: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>; Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>; Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

…What in Arda is going on in this email chain?

 

 

From: Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 10:57 AM
To: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>; Patootie, Cutie <mairon@angband.gov>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

…Fine, fine, geez!

I sincerely don’t know, though. I don’t think it was anyone from the Romance Novel Enthusiasts of Angband, if that’s what you’re referring to. We already have our own library, and Twilight is in it. Nobody’s borrowed our copy recently, so I don’t think they’d have resorted to Fëanor’s.

 

 

From: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 10:58 AM
To: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

…

Who the fuck else would have borrowed it, then?!

Rhetorical question, Gothmog, my friend — weird taste in literature aside, I know you wouldn’t lie to me.

Still, I am going to burn things down if someone does not fess up to borrowing this fucking library book, I swear.

 

 

From: Curumo Tarindor <saruman@istari.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 11:04 AM
To: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>; Patootie, Cutie <mairon@angband.gov>; Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>; Aulë <aulë@valar.gov>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

Hello all,

Aulë looped me in. It was I who borrowed the book. I shall not return it. Its power is now mine.

Sincerely,
Saruman

 

 

From: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 11:07 AM
To: Curumo Tarindor <saruman@istari.org>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>; Aulë <aulë@valar.gov>; Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

…Really, now? How cute. Ahem.

Is that what you think, you sniveling worm? You were pathetic when first you sought to join with me, and all the more so now.

Return the book and apologize to Fëanor, and perhaps I shall not consign you to the flames.

 

 

From: Curumo Tarindor <saruman@istari.org>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 11:08 AM
To: Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>; Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>; Patootie, Cutie <mairon@angband.gov>; Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>; Aulë <aulë@valar.gov>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

Dear Fëanor,

Here is your book. I am very sorry for not returning it when it was due.

Sincerely,
Saruman

 

 

From: Lord, Dark <melkor@angband.gov>
Sent: T.A. 3019, 05 April, 11:12 AM
To: Curumo Tarindor <saruman@istari.org>; Fëanor Curufinwë <fëanor@housefinwë.org>
Cc: Valar <admin@valar.gov>; Eru Ilúvatar <admin@ilúvatar.gov>; House-Fëanor <all@housefëanor.org>; House-Finwë <all@housefinwë.org>; Aulë <aulë@valar.gov>; Balrogs, Lord of <gothmog@angband.gov>
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: OVERDUE FEES. YET AGAIN.

That’s more like it. Now, go to your room.

Fëanor, I would strongly advise that you take my suggestion to issue individual library cards. In the interim, I am officially revoking Saruman’s evil library card privileges.

Oh, and what good timing — it seems my dear Master is beginning to stir! Fingon, you despicably nice freak of nature, do keep an eye on the mail — I have sent you a crock pot as a wedding present. The evil part is in the color scheme, which is orange and avocado.

To the rest of you, ta-ta! I have muted my Master’s laptop to prevent further ingracious interruptions. My Master or I shall respond to emails… oh, you know, eventually.

Gleefully,
Mairon

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