To Dream by Day and Roam by Night by chrissystriped

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To Dream by Day and Roam by Night

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Celebrimbor walked through a dark forest, mist was rising between the trees and gleamed silvery in the moonlight. With the certainty of dream he knew that he was looking for someone and that he had to walk on to find him. He was not afraid. A clearing opened up before him and he stepped out into the moonlight. A wolf sat in the center of the clearing and looked at him with grey, elvish eyes.

“Help me!” the wolf said. “Come to Nan Elmoth.”

Celebrimbor woke. He lay on his back, looking at the ceiling where the moonlit waves painted ever-changing patterns. A dream. The dream. It had started a few weeks ago. He didn’t dream it every night, but it always came back. He increasingly felt that someone was sending it to him.

'Help me,' Celebrimbor thought.

Why him? Why the grandson of Fëanor? He, who had not sworn the Oath only because he had been too young at the time? What Vala would send him dreams? The thought that it might be a trap had crossed his mind. The Enemy was devious. He needed the opinion of another. Maybe it was time to confide in his cousin.

 

Celebrimbor watched Galadriel walk slowly up and down the room while she thought about what he had told her.

“Do you have any idea, who or what that wolf could represent?” she finally asked.

Celebrimbor shook his head. “Unless it be… but no.”

“Hm?”

He could hide nothing from her clear, blue gaze.

“Your brother,” he said hesitantly, the shame at the role his father had played clenched his guts. “He was imprisoned by the Lord of Werewolves and… might the dream be a literal representation of what is happening?”

“Finrod?” Galadriel said weakly. “But… why would this dream come to you?”

Why not me? he heard in her voice and wondered the same. “I do not know,” he answered. “Unless... I did not help him when I should have, I have something to make up to him. I'm also thinking: Could it be… could it come from the Enemy? Wolves are his creatures.”

“But you say, you are not afraid in the dream, that there is nothing sinister about it. The Enemy’s works are always terrible.”

It was not so when he dwelt in Aman, Celebrimbor thought with bitterness.

“I know what you think,” Galadriel said. “But he is no longer able to hide his true nature. If you ask for my advice: I do not think this dream is sent by Morgoth. And I do not only say that because you brought up my brother. You are being called and you should follow this call.”

"Yes," Celebrimbor said, taking a deep breath. "Thank you for listening to me."

"You are not your father." Galadriel touched his hand. "Don't carry his guilt with you."

"Thank you," Celebrimbor said again. It meant a lot from her, after what had happened in Nargothrond.

 

~*~*~

 

Celebrimbor dismounted and looked at the trees before him. The sun was high in the sky, but the forest lay in shadows. His horse snorted nervously and Celebrimbor had to agree to him. The forest looked forbidding, he did not looking forward to entering it. Celebrimbor patted his neck. He took his bow and arrows and the bag with provisions and whispered into his horse’s ear: “I will not ask you to go into this shadow with me. Run free on this plain under the sky and come when I call you.”

He took a deep breath and stepped under the trees. He had only walked a few steps, but it was already completely dark. He did not know if it was because he knew the fate of his cousin Aredhel and the previous lord of the forest, or if the mind of the Dark Elf truly had left something behind, but the air felt oppressive. He was keenly aware that he was not wanted here. The trees did not like him. Celebrimbor strung his bow and laid an arrow on the string. He felt better being armed.

 

He did not know for how long he’d walked through the cursed forest. When he’d become tired, he’d tried to sleep, but he had not been able to. The malevolence of the trees kept him awake. He rested as well as he could and then moved on, in a random direction, it looked all the same to him. After a while he hit a path, overgrown and old, no one had walked in this place for a very long time. Celebrimbor followed it deeper into the forest. He did not know where he was, but he had been called. He trusted that Fate would make sure he found what he was supposed to seek.

 

He stepped out into a clearing, the sun was high in the sky and shone down on him. For a moment Celebrimbor enjoyed her warmth and the clear sky above him, then he saw that he was not alone in the clearing.

It was not a wolf who awaited him.

Celebrimbor stopped and lowered his bow. There was an elf lying in the deep grass. Naked, asleep. Celebrimbor looked around, he’d felt watched since he’d entered the forest and had wondered if the wolf would show himself to him. He had not expected a person. But there was nothing and no one else, he felt alone and unwatched for the first time since he’d entered the forest.

The elf was very pale, his black hair flowing over his shoulders and back and blowing in a light breeze. He looked like a Noldo, no one Celebrimbor knew. It was very obviously not Finrod — he was not sure if that relieved him.

Celebrimbor moved slowly closer and went to one knee beside the elf. He touched his shoulder, ready to move back, but the elf didn’t wake. His lids were closed but his eyes moved quickly below them. Celerimbor shook him gently and still the elf slept on. Something was wrong. Celebrimbor reached out with his mind and tried to find the other’s, but he only ran into a wall of iron. There was no easy way getting through and Celebrimbor did not want to use force, that would be a violation and he was not the elf’s enemy. He called him again in vain.

Celebrimbor sat down beside him and sighed. He was sure this was the person he had been searching for, even if he still didn’t know how the wolf from his dream was connected with him. And he did not know what to do now. Still, the malice of the forest was further away here under the sun, Celebrimbor relaxed a little.

 

He must have dozed off. When he woke the sky was turning dusky and the elf beside him moved, moaning and whimpering. Celebrimbor watched in horror as the elf’s body changed — bones creaking, hair sprouting — until a wolf got to his feet and shook himself. Celebrimbor scrambled backwards, fumbling with the knife on his belt. The wolf turned towards him, ears laid back and snarling, but he moved backwards, away from Celebrimbor. When he was between the trees he turned around and ran away, quickly vanishing in the forest.

Celebrimbor had seen the eyes. Eyes that had haunted his dreams.

‘Valar!’ he thought. ‘What do you want me to do here?’

He did not like the thought of stepping again between the hostile trees and the wolf had too much of a headstart anyway. He hoped the elfwolf would come back to this place to sleep.

Celebrimbor ate a few bites of his dwindling provisions. The forest had been eerily quiet and void of animal life, there had been nothing to hunt. He wondered what the wolf was eating. Clearly not elf.

Celebrimbor chewed and thought about the encounter. He had killed some wolves of the Enemy, ferocious beasts, but this one seemed different. He had seemed more afraid of him than hostile. Did he retain memories of his elf-self? And who was he? Why had Celebrimbor been called here? So many questions. He had no idea how to help.

The wolf was already changing back to an elf when he staggered into the clearing at sunrise. He barely looked at Celebrimbor and was asleep as soon as the transformation was complete. Celebrimbor sighed and tried again to reach his mind, but his defences were impregnable. He laid down beside the elf and closed his eyes. Uncle Maedhros had taught him a lot about the mind and dreams and he’d said that sometimes, when you slept close together, you could share a dream. Knowing that his uncle had iron-clad mind-defences of his own, he hoped it would work with this elf.

 

~*~*~

 

There was shouting and smoke and red fire around him. Celebrimbor looked around. He was in a city, all around him were warriors in armour.

Orcs!

Balrogs!

Celebrimbor ’s hearbeat picked up.

But he knew he was in a dream and his uncle had taught him to control his dreams. He visualised a sword in his hand and looked around for the elf whose dream this was. He caught a glimpse of him before a cloud of smoke separated them again. Celebrimbor ran in the direction he'd seen him and looked around.

It was a very real dream, considering that he was not the main dreamer. Orcs attacked him and he fought them back. He did not see the elf again, so he followed the street before him. It felt eerily like Tirion and Celebrimbor wondered if he had stumbled into the fall of Gondolin. Was this elf a survivor?

Nan Elmoth. Gondolin. The clues pointed in a certain direction. But they’d said Maeglin had fallen to his death.

The city was like a labyrinth, he didn’t feel like he was getting anywhere. The elf had vanished. Celebrimbor didn’t know how long he’d walked on when he heard a rumble and the ground shook below him. Celebrimbor coughed, stone dust clogged his nose.

 

~*~*~

 

He woke with a start — and froze. The wolf’s paw sat heavy on his chest, his breath was on Celebrimbor’s face.

“Not-enemy,” whispered Celebrimbor in the language of dogs Uncle Celegorm had taught him. “Fellow hunter. Form a pack?” He moved very slowly to bare his throat, showing the wolf that he would leave the lead to him.

“Why should I trust you, elf?” The wolf sniffed at him. “Your kind hate mine.”

“I only hate Morgoth and his legions,” Celebrimbor gasped. “You would not live alone in this wood, if you were fighting for him.”

“I don’t.” The wolf stepped off his chest and Celebrimbor sat slowly up. “I am not your enemy either. Can you hit anything with your stick?”

Celebrimbor looked at his bow. “I’m not too bad with it.”

“Let’s hunt.” The wolf trotted towards the trees, Celebrimbor grabbed his bow and hurried after him. He was not afraid of the wolf after the first shock. Most wolves were allied to Morgoth, true, but this one did not feel like an enemy -- not in his dream and not now that he had met him in person.

The moment he stepped between the trees he noticed that the forest had changed. It did no longer feel hostile towards him now that he accompanied the wolf. It felt more open, the stars were visible in the sky and he heard the rustle of little animals in the underbrush.

“Have you always lived here?” he asked softly. He wanted to know if the wolf had memories of being an elf.

“No.” The wolf turned his head to look at him. “I came from up North. They wanted me to kill your kind. But I do not wish to do that. I only kill to eat.”

“I don’t kill needlessly either,” Celebrimbor answered.

“What are you doing in my wood?” the wolf asked back. “Elves usually don’t like it here.”

“I was called by a dream. You were in my dream. You called for my help.”

“Did I?” The wolf sounded unbelieving. “Well, I have felt lonely on occasion.” He sniffed the air. “Quiet now. I smell prey.”

Celebrimbor smiled and nodded. He set his feet carefully when he followed the wolf, making no sound.

 

They’d hunted a small deer and Celebrimbor had made a fire of dead wood to cook his share of the kill.

“How is it that the forest is not hostile towards you?” he asked the wolf.

“Why would it be? This is my home and I kill the plant eaters that threaten younger trees.”

“It did not like me, when I was alone. It is a different wood since I am with you.”

“I like you,” the wolf said and put his head in Celebrimbor’s lap. Celebrimbor scratched him behind the ears, Huan had loved that.

“Oh, that feels good,” the wolf said closing his eyes and pushing his head into his hand. “It’s nice to have a pack member like you.”

Celebrimbor chuckled although he felt slightly awkward. He knew after all that this was also an elf — a very beautiful elf. “I bet.”

 

~*~*~

 

Maeglin leaned his back into a corner between the wall and a column and closed his eyes. It was the celebration of Earendil ’s birthday and Idril would treat him so coldly when he gave his gift to his little nephew that he would decide he needed to get out of Gondolin. He would flee to his mines — resulting in his capture by the orcs of Morgoth.

He’d gone through this cycle a dozen times. It was the punishment for his betrayal, he was sure of it. He’d tried everything: stayed away from the celebration, locked himself up in his house, hid himself away at the day of Tarnin Austa later on, but it always ended in the fiery end of Gondolin and his fall from the walls. He could do nothing. It had already happened, this was only his memories, repeated again and again to make him suffer.

He did not know what made him open his eyes again, but when he did, his sight fell right on an elf he’d never seen before. He had short, black hair and the powerful build of a smith. Maeglin wondered if he was one of Rog’s people, some of them barely socialised.

(He’d always wished he could do the same, but his status hadn’t permitted that.)

The elf seemed to look for someone. He was craning his neck and turning around. Then his eyes met Maeglin’s and he beamed at him, walking towards him. Maeglin froze. This was new and in his endless reliving of the past nothing new happened.

“You are Prince Maeglin, aren’t you?” the elf said.

“Yes," Maeglin answered warily. “Who are you?”

“My name is Celebrimbor. Can we talk somewhere?”

Maeglin nodded and led the stranger out on a balcony.

“Who are you?” he said again distrusfully. He had entered his memories, his punishment. Was he not an elf after all? A Maia of Mandos maybe?

“I’m Celebrimbor, son of Curufin. I… someone sent me to rescue you.”

Maeglin stared at him. “Rescue me?” Who would ever want to rescue him? He was the Traitor of Gondolin. He deserved no mercy. Maeglin gulped down his tears.

“Yes. I’ve had dreams.” Celebrimbor leaned against the bannister of the balcony, not taking his eyes off him. “I’ve tried to wake you up, but I can’t.”

Wake him up? “I don’t understand…”

“This is a dream.”

“No.”

No. He’d fallen to his death. This was Mandos. His punishment.

“It is. Look.” Celebrimbor extended his hand, palm upward, and a moment later a biscuit lay on it. Maeglin only stared at him when he offered it to him. Celebrimbor shrugged and ate it himself.

“ You are a Maia, aren’t you?” His voice was trembling. What was the other playing at?

Celebrimbor laughed. “No! Why would you think that?”

“I… I fell.” Maeglin’s throat locked up. Why was he so cruel to him? “It can’t be a dream.”

“I’m sorry. I do not wish to hurt you,” Celebrimbor said with kindness in his voice. “Please believe me. You are not dead. We are sleeping in a clearing in Nan Elmoth.”

Maeglin met his eyes, he could sense no lie, but there was something he didn't tell him. Maeglin didn’t know if he felt relief about the news that he wasn't dead -- and how was that even possible? --, he was still caught in these horrible memories of his.

“Do you remember anything about what happened after…”

Maeglin shook his head. “I thought I was dead. I thought this was Mandos.” He tried do wake himself up, he’d been able to do that in the past. “I can’t wake,” he croaked, his heart was thundering in his chest. “Something’s wrong.”

“We’ll find a way.” Celebrimbor’s voice was soothing. “Can you leave here? Can you change the dream?”

Maeglin nodded. “A little. The… the horrible things still happen, but otherwise I can do what I want. Let’s go to my house.”

He was still wary. Why would anyone want to help him? Celebrimbor sounded so nice. Maeglin wondered if he even knew what he’d done. Why would he be so nice to him if he knew? But maybe a Feanorian was more likely to understand… “Did you know my mother?”

“Not well. I was still young when she vanished, but yes, I knew her.” Celebrimbor's eyes met his. “My mother was killed during the Kinslaying of Alqualonde,” he offered. “I know how much it hurts to lose.”

“Thank you,” Maeglin whispered. “I miss her so much.” He coughed and blurted out: “I didn’t… I didn’t want to betray Gondolin.” Celebrimbor had come here for him. He wanted him to know he hadn’t done it out of malice. “He hurt me so much.” Tears were stinging his eyes.

“Can I touch you?” Celebrimbor asked and laid his arm around Maeglin’s shoulders when he nodded. “I believe you,” he said. “I’ve heard my uncle talk about Angband and I believe you.”

Maeglin couldn’t hold in a sob. The relief made his knees weak. He’d lived with this guilt for so long. And even if he didn’t know this elf, it felt so good that Celebrimbor didn't hate him.

 

Celebrimbor squeezed Maeglin ’s shoulder. He’d expected a proud, distant elf going by what he’d heard from the survivors of Gondolin. He was different from the tales. But maybe that was unsurprising. He’d heard accounts about his uncles where he’d barely recognised the people he knew.

“I understand that you have no reason to trust me,” he started when they’d reached Maeglin’s house and sat down in two comfortable chairs. "You know nothing about me and I know only what I have been told about you. I know how wrong accounts of others can be. Can you tell me what happened? …is going to happen?"

“I will go to my mines. I will get captured and brought to Angband.” Maeglin’s voice trembled. “I will be tortured and betray Gondolin. Thank you for... for not hating me, but that is the truth. Gondolin will fall through my fault and Tuor will push me off the wall. I don't know how often I've lived through this.”

"And you can do nothing to change that? There are techniques to master your dreams…”

“ I know. I didn’t know it was a dream, I thought…” His voice hitched again, tears were shining in his eyes and Celebrimbor wanted to hug him, he looked so sad and lonely, but he didn’t want to presume. This was a strange situation, but they really didn’t know each other. “But I tried everything. I don’t think I can change anything.”

“Does it all happen in normal time?”

“No. It’s in leaps and jumps. But the bad things are never skipped over.”

“ I’ll find a way to free you from this.” Celebrimbor reached for his hands and squeezed them. He had no idea how, but he needed to. Maeglin’s sad face and hopeless eyes cut right into his heart.

He wondered what had happened. Had the Enemy found Maeglin, injured at the bottom of the cliff? Had he turned him into a wolf? But why did he dream during the day? He couldn’t ask him. Maeglin hadn’t even known he was only dreaming. He surely had no memories from after his fall. He didn’t want to confuse him even more with the knowledge of his nightly transformation.

“I’ll find a way,” he said again.

“Thank you.” Maeglin sniffed. “Thank you for believing me. Thank you for wanting to help me. You are the first in a long time.”

Celebrimbor squeezed his hands again. He knew how it was to be looked at askance. It had happened to him after his father and uncle had been forced to leave. He’d been allowed to stay but for a while everyone had been distrustful of him and had eyed him warily. He knew that Orodreth had had him followed for a while.

“You are not alone anymore,” Celebrimbor said. His heart was clenching with feelings for this lonely, tormented elf.

 

~*~*~

 

Celebrimbor looked around. He was outside, under a nightsky. There were rocks around him. Somewhere in the mountains. Maeglin was nowhere to be seen. 

“I will be captured and taken to Angband”, he heard Maeglin’s trembling voice. It seemed Maeglin’s dreams had skipped forward to the moment when the orcs took him.

Celebrimbor envisioned himself wearing chainmail, a sword appeared in his hand. He closed his eyes, thought of finding Maeglin and turned slowly around until he felt like he was facing in the right direction. He hurried forward. The terrain was rough and he had to put the sword in its sheath because he needed both his hands to climb over boulders.

Celebrimbor heard them before he saw them. The orcs were laughing and making fun of their prisoner. Celebrimbor slowed down, he leaned against the rockface he had been walking alongside and peeked around the corner. The orcs were sitting under an overhang that protected them from above. Maeglin was gagged and blindfolded, his limbs bound together on his back.

Celebrimbor took a deep breath and prepared himself. In the waking world he couldn’t have dared it — there were about twenty orcs and only one of him — but in a dream things were different. With a silent “Thank you” to Uncle Maedhros who’d thought it so important that he be able to control his dreams, he drew his sword and jumped down the incline, right in the middle of his foes. The orcs moved sluggishly, as if they were underwater, Celebrimbor had no problem incapacitating them.

Soon all his foes were down and he knelt down beside Maeglin. “It’s me,” he said when he pulled off the blindfold. “I’ve come to rescue you.”

Maeglin stared up at him with eyes wide with pain and fear. His face was pale and drawn.

“It’s me,” Celebrimbor said again. “Celebrimbor. Do you remember?” He’d never messed with the dreams of other people. He had no idea, if Maeglin could even remember their conversation from last night.

“Celebrimbor,” Maeglin whispered. “You really came.”

 

Maeglin woke with a start. Someone was beside him and he quickly scrambled back to get away from him. The memories of the orcs’ hands on his body were still too vivid in his mind. The sun was glaring down on them, it was blinding him.

“Who are you?” Maeglin croaked shading his eyes with his hand.

“Celebrimbor,” the other said softly. “I was in your dream. Don’t you remember?”

Maeglin stared at him through watering eyes — he’d never gotten truly used to the light of the sun and whatever had happened to him since the fall of Gondolin had made it worse again. “I will free you from this.” He remembered the other elf's kind voice.

“You woke me,” he whispered. “You saved me.” No one had ever done this much for him. “Thank you.” He could feel a sob rise in his throat.

Celebrimbor patted his shoulder when he started to cry. Maeglin felt awkward, he didn’t want to seem weak to his savior, but he was so relieved to have finally escaped from his endless nightmare.

“I’m sorry,” he sniffed. “I'm pathetic.”

“No, you aren't.” Celebrimbor slowly laid his arm around his shoulders and Maeglin dared to lean against him. “It's only natural after what you've been through.”

Maeglin froze, ever muscle in his body tensing, when the words woke the memories. The fall. The pain. He’d lain there, body broken, he knew not how long. And then those eyes. He would never forget His Eyes. “I might still have use for you,” the Lieutenant had said. He’d taken him. Changed him. But he had run. Run, run, run. To Nan Elmoth. Where he felt save from the Enemy.

He freed himself from Celebrimbor’s arms and stumbled away. He could not stay! He could not look at the face of this elf who’d cared enough for him to try and safe him and see his eyes grow cold with revulsion when he realised what had become of him. Celebrimbor called something but Maeglin didn’t listen. The trees of Nan Elmoth closed around him, welcoming him. This was his home. He should never have left. He was save here.

 

Celebrimbor had tried to follow Maeglin. It had seemed to him that the elf had been afraid of something and he hadn’t wanted to leave him in this state. But Maeglin had quickly outrun him and now that he was alone, the wood felt hostile again. Celebrimbor turned slowly around. He didn’t know any longer where he’d come from.

“Maeglin?” he shouted, but his voice seemed to fall dead at his feet. He chose a direction at random and walked on, calling for Maeglin now and then.

The unseen sun sank down in the West and made the wood even darker. Celebrimbor wondered if Maeglin would turn into a wolf again at night and if he would find him then. The wolf was becoming his friend.

Suddenly the trees around him drew back, he’d found another clearing. It was grown over with brambles. On the far side, leaning against a tall, old tree, Celebrimbor thought he could see the ruined remnants of a house. He stepped forward, there seemed to be a narrow path through the brambles and spending the night under a roof, however decrepit, seemed preferable to another night in the hostile forest.

The path was more narrow than he’d thought and he had to pry lose his clothes from the brambles again and again. Soon his skin was scratched and his clothes torn and the house didn’t seem to be any closer. Celebrimbor stopped — and hissed when pain shot up his leg. He looked down and felt coldness seep into his bones when he saw a vine wrap itself around his leg. He reached for his knife, but it did little against the tough vines that came at him from all sides now.

“Maeglin!” he shouted again. “Help!”

And then he threw his head back and howled in the language of dogs. Hoping the wolf would hear him. Begging the entity who had sent him here to not let him die.

 

When the night came, the wolf had made itself known inside Maeglin. He’d fought it for a while but had had to give in in the end. To his surprise, the wolf had not turned out to be evil. He’d hunted a rabbit, instinct taking over, but when he heard Celebrimbor’s cries for help, he’d lost interest in his prey. Maeglin didn’t make a concious decision. He might have hesitated, but the wolf thought of Celebrimbor as a pack member, a friend, it wouldn’t abandon him.

The memories of his nights as the wolf were still sketchy. He wondered. Had Celebrimbor known all along what he was? Why then had he not abandoned him? He was a creature of the enemy now!

Maeglin stopped short and whimpered when he realised into what Celebrimbor had stumbled in his search for him. Even the wolf had never dared to come here, where Eol’s darkness still lingered after all this time. The house loomed in the back, the clearing overgrown with brambles. Celebrimbor lay on the ground, unmoving, limbs wrapped in thorns. His clothes were bloody and torn.

The wolf crouched low. It urged Maeglin to do something. It knew its teeth were no use here. Maeglin trembled, small howls and whimpers coming from his altered throat. His father’s spells permeated the forest all around him. What could he do against them? Celebrimbor would die here and it was all his fault! If only he hadn’t run! The wolf growled at him, angry now. ‘Do something! This is your forest!’

His forest. Maeglin shuddered. He’d never wanted to come back to Nan Elmoth, only after the fall it had felt like the safest place for him. But he was Eol’s heir and he could feel the trees being friendly to him. ‘I need my own body now’, he thought and the wolf drew back inside him. As soon as Maeglin had his elvish voice back, he started to hum to the bramble. Urging it to draw back, convincing it that Celebrimbor was not an enemy. The bramble was distrustful, it had grown large on the resident darkness and Maeglin put forth all his power and authority — short of claiming Mastery of Nan Elmoth.

Finally, Maeglin’s throat felt raw from singing, the bramble drew back, leaving Celebrimbor’s bloodied body behind. Maeglin rushed to him, touching his cheek, feeling his pulse. He was bleeding slowly from many wounds, but he was alive. Maeglin felt so relieved he thought he would cry. Not another death on his shoulders at least.

Celebrimbor’s eyes fluttered and a smile tugged at his lips when he saw him. “You came,” he whispered.

“Couldn’t let my saviour die,” Maeglin mumbled, feeling a blush creep up his cheeks. “Can you walk? I don’t want to stay here any longer than necessary.”

Celebrimbor struggled to his feet and managed to walk away slowly, leaning on Maeglin. “There are bandages in my pack,” he said. “I left it in the clearing.”

“I’m sorry I ran,” Maeglin said. “And got you into this mess. You already knew, didn’t you?”

“About the wolf? Yes.” Celebrimbor looked at him. “Why did you run?”

“Because I thought… You saved me and I didn’t want you to hate me,” Maeglin said and snapped his mouth shut before any more could come out. He shouldn’t let Celebrimbor see him so vulnerable. Celebrimbor was hurt, Maeglin needed to be strong for him now.

“I don’t hate you. The wolf is not evil, no more than you.”

Maeglin said nothing to that because he knew that many people would think him evil. Like Idril. His heart ached at the thought of her. There was a rumble inside him, in the spot where the wolf had withdrawn to. The wolf did not agree with him.

‘You never met her,’ Maeglin thought, feeling how insane it was to argue with himself.

‘I’m not you,’ the wolf answered. ‘Not entirely. I was before we were merged.’

Maeglin shivered. He did not remember much of his second captivity — he didn’t want to remember. But he'd been told in great detail how werewolves were made during the long days of torture. He was lucky to still have awareness of himself. He was lucky to still be himself.

'Not lucky,' the wolf said. 'Courageous enough to take the risk and run. We ran soon enough -- before He was entirely finished with us.'

'I'm not couragous,' Maeglin thought. 'I'm a coward.'

'A coward wouldn't have mastered his fear to save him,' the wolf answered, meaning Celebrimbor. Maeglin realised belatedly that the wolf was having an urge to mate with Celebrimbor. But he also knew that the elf would not want him that way, he could only experience it through Maeglin.

“No,” he said out loud. Celebrimbor made a questioning sound and Maeglin shook his head. “We’ll soon be at the clearing,” he said instead. “Do you need a break?”

Celebrimbor was leaning heavily on him but he shook his head. Maeglin was relieved when they finally made it into the open ground of the clearing. He laid Celebrimbor gently down, the elf barely reacted, and rushed to his pack. Maeglin pushed the panic away that was threatening to press down on his chest. He would be of no use to Celebrimbor if he let it overpower him. Celebrimbor was a Noldo of Valinor and Maeglin had seen what his kind could endure. He would make it through!

Celebrimbor had fallen into a healing sleep by the time Maeglin had cleaned his wounds and bandaged the deeper cuts. He felt an intense longing to embrace him and hold him — and for all that he was trying to convince himself that it was the wolf, he could not be blind to his own feelings. He hadn’t felt as intensely for anyone since Idril.

“I don’t even know you,” Maeglin murmured while he stroked Celebrimbor’s forehead.

‘Of course you do,’ the wolf chided gently. ‘He’s been in your dreams.’

Maeglin sighed. He already hated how right the wolf always seemed to be.

 

Celebrimbor woke slowly, a warm body lay beside him and held him. He groaned when he moved and the myriad of small cuts all over his body made themselves known.

Maeglin sat up beside him. “How do you feel?” he asked, a worried frown on his face.

“Like having crawled through a thorn hedge,” Celebrimbor answered with a wry smile. “Which isn’t so far from the truth, I guess.”

Maeglin swatted his shoulder. “Don’t joke about it! I almost came to late. Don’t ever go there again.”

“I thought… now that you are awake, we could leave this forest.” Celebrimbor saw with worry how Maeglin’s face became blank and cold. “I mean, I didn’t want to presume…” he stuttered. “I’m sorry, if I said something wrong.”

“We? ” Maeglin asked with a tremble in his voice. “You want me to come with you?”

“Yes, of course,” Celebrimbor answered, he was surprised that that hadn't been clear to Maeglin. “I won’t leave you here alone — unless you want that. Someone wanted me to save you and I want to get to know you.” He licked his lips. “I like you.” He had seen the loneliness and despair in Maeglin’s dreams and he wanted to see him smile.

“You won’t, once you know me,” Maeglin mumbled and averted his eyes.

“I highly doubt that,” Celebrimbor answered and touched his hand. “Give me a chance to find out.”

Maeglin glanced at him with distrust in his eyes, but he didn’t run again and Celebrimbor counted that as progress.

 

~*~*~

 

Celebrimbor stretched slowly and Maeglin felt a blush creep up his cheeks at the sight. Then he caught himself staring and quickly looked away. He hoped Celebrimbor hadn’t noticed. Celebrimbor had been shivery last night and Maeglin had held him close again to share his warmth with him, but it looked like he was feeling much better now. Maeglin felt something that was almost a stab of regret that he wouldn’t have the opportunity to hold him again tonight.

“I’m feeling alright,” Celebrimbor said turning to him. “Thank you again for saving me.”

‘You wouldn’t have been in this situation, if it hadn’t been for me,’ Maeglin thought but mumbled something meaningless.

“Would you like to go on a hunt?” Celebrimbor added.

“Me or the wolf?” Maeglin asked back, trying to keeping the jealousy from his voice. Celebrimbor had known the wolf first, they’d hunted together. Surely he wanted it, not him.

Celebrimbor met his eyes and Maeglin had the disquieting feeling that he knew way more about what he thought than he should. “Whatever feels good to you, Maeglin.”

Maeglin averted his gaze. He did not know what he wanted. He was scared of getting close. Celebrimbor was bound to realise any time now that he was not worth sticking around for and leave alone. He let the wolf take over, because it had no such thoughts, it accepted Celebrimbor’s affection as something natural, it was easier to be it right now. Celebrimbor smiled and scratched his ears. Maeglin shivered pleasantly at the touch. “Let’s go.”

 

The blood was still pumping quickly through his veins when he lifted his head up from the kill, feeling sated. Celebrimbor had shot the stag and the wolf had brought it down. His pack mate was waiting a short way off until he finished feeding, so he could do with his share of the kill what elves did to dead prey. The excitement of the hunt turned to another kind of excitement when his eyes fell on Celebrimbor. He knew it was unnatural for him to desire an elf, but he had been taken and changed and been merged with an elf, he was unnatural. He also knew Celebrimbor would never desire him like this, not in the body of an animal. He gave the elf, who’d drawn back deeply into their shared mind, a nudge.

‘Come out and play,’ he thought.

The elf fought him for a while, but he felt the same desire and finally he gave in. Maeglin shuddered as the cool night air hit his naked skin. He looked down at himself mortified to see his cock hard and sticking up proudly. He tried to turn away before Celebrimbor could notice, but it was already too late.

“Maeglin,” Celebrimbor said, his eyes moving over his body. “No! Don’t, please,” he added when Maeglin made to cover himself. “You are so beautiful.”

Was that really desire in his voice, in his flushed cheeks?

“I’m sorry,” stuttered Maeglin. “I… I…” He didn’t know what to say. To blame it all on the wolf would be a lie and he didn’t want to lie to Celebrimbor. He flinched when Celebrimbor’s warm palm touched his cheeks.

“Don’t apologise,” Celebrimbor said gently and stroked his lips with his thumb. “I want you, too.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

Celebrimbor bowed forward slowly, so slowly that Maeglin moved toward him so their lips met sooner — he couldn’t wait anymore! Celebrimbor’s mouth was gentle but also demanding, drawing him in, making him want more. Maeglin moaned when Celebrimbor’s fingertips brushed his cock.

“I want you,” Celebrimbor whispered. “I’ve wanted you, since I saw you lying in the glade for the first time.”

At his words, Maeglin dared to open Celebrimbor's shirt and slide his hands over his muscular chest. Celebrimbor shivered when he played with his nipples.

“You want me?” Maeglin’s voice trembled a little. No one had ever said that to him. The one he’d wanted had shunned him. But this elf, he desired him, and that he should desire him back meant everything to him.

“Yes,” answered Celebrimbor, shrugging his shirt off his shoulders and pulling him close for another kiss.

Maeglin could feel his arousal through the leather of his pants. His fingers fought with the laces and while he wondered at his own boldness he pushed his hand in and wrapped it around Celebrimbor’s arousal. Celebrimbor moaned into his ear and it was the sweetest music he’d ever heard. A thought crossed his mind that made him halt his motions.

“Don’t stop,” Celebrimbor croaked pleadingly.

“I…” Maeglin felt his face grow hot with shame. “Won’t this make us married?” He didn’t want to end up like his mother. Although Celebrimbor didn’t seem like someone who would lure another into a marriage bond.

Celebrimbor’s lips twitched as if he was suppressing a laugh. “No,” he answered, his voice kind. “Have you never done it?” Celebrimbor cocked his head. “Not even in the way soldiers sometimes come together before a battle?”

Maeglin shook his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to disappoint you.”

Surely this was the moment when Celebrimbor would think better of it and leave.

“Don’t be sorry.” Celebrimbor laid his hands on his cheeks and kissed him again, sweetly and slowly. “A marriage bond can only be formed by penetration, and only if the will of both partners is in it. It can not happen by accident. Our fëar might touch, like during ósanwë, but that is all.”

So his mother had been willing after all, at least at the time. Maeglin didn’t know what to feel about that. He pushed the question aside for later.

“We can stop, if you’d rather,” Celebrimbor added.

“No, I’m good.” Maeglin smiled.

Celebrimbor’s fingers wrapped achingly tender around Maeglin’s cock. “Do you wish us to continue?”

“Yes,” whispered Maeglin, pleasure building between his legs.

Celebrimbor’s lips found his neck, teeth grazing the skin. He guided Maeglin slowly to the ground and positioned them so their cocks touched. Maeglin arched his neck to present more skin and moaned when Celebrimbor rocked his hips, the friction delicious. He slid his hands over Celebrimbor’s back, trying clumsily to move with his motions, aware of how little he knew what to do. But Celebrimbor didn’t seem to mind his inexperience. He was breathing heavily, skin damp with sweat under Maeglin’s fingers. Celebrimbor’s hand slid between their bodies and wrapped around them both and Maeglin’s pleasure peaked. He came messily over both their skin. Celebrimbor stroked himself quickly and came soon after.

The cool night air caressed their sweaty bodies. Maeglin felt sticky, but didn’t want to move. Did you get up and wash? Celebrimbor peppered little kisses on his cheeks and eyes and forehead and Maeglin closed his eyes, sliding his hand dreamily up and down Celebrimbor’s spine. His body felt tingly and sated in a way that was the same and yet entirely different from how he usually felt after touching himself.

“Enjoyed yourself?” Celebrimbor hummed.

“Mmmh, yes.” Maeglin did not dare to ask the same question. What if Celebrimbor’s answer was ‘No’?

“Me too,” Celebrimbor said and Maeglin relaxed with relief. “You know. Next time, if there is a next time, I don’t want to presume. But if there is a next time, and we find ourselves in civilised places where we can get some decent lubrication, I’d like you to take me. Would you like that?”

Maeglin blushed furiously at Celebrimbor’s words and the images they generated in his mind. “I… I don’t know how…”

Celebrimbor smiled. “I’ll show you. It’s not difficult.”

“You really want me to leave the forest with you?”

“Yes.” Celebrimbor tucked Maeglin’s tousled hair behind his ears. “Why is it so hard for you to believe that?”

“I’m a traitor. I bring nothing but trouble.”

“The same could be said about me. I’m not a Kinslayer, I did not swear the Oath, but it was close.” Celebrimbor sighed deeply. “And when my father and uncle betrayed Finrod Felagund and set his people against him, I stood aside and said nothing. I could have. I don’t think I would have succeeded in changing anything, but I should have tried . But I was too torn between my loyalties. ”

“But you did not bring down Nargothrond yourself." Although Maeglin didn't think it was quite the same, he was grateful that Celebrimbor shared his own past with him.

“No, but I still feel guilty about it. And it was not all your fault, either, you were tortured Maeglin.”

Maeglin shuddered at the word and the memories that lurked in his mind. Celebrimbor hugged him. “You don’t have to tell me unless you want to. My uncle never spoke to me of his time in Angband, but I could see how it followed him. I don’t fault you. If you don’t want to go back to Sirion and meet the survivors, I can understand. We don’t have to go back there.”

“But don’t you have a family there? Friends?”

“Most of my family is dead. I am an uncomfortable presence for my distant cousin Gil-galad, even though I’d never want the crown. I’ve longed for a new beginning somewhere else for a long time.”

Maeglin looked up at the canopy of leaves. “Yes,” he said. Nan Elmoth had been a save place to hide and he knew why the wolf had found its way here, but it had not felt like his home since he’d grown old enough to see the darkness in his father’s fëa. He did not wish to stay here. “Yes, I will leave with you.”

Celebrimbor smiled at him. “That makes me happy. And where do you want to go?”

Maeglin hesitated. “Don’t you want to find your uncles? They are still out there, aren’t they?”

Celebrimbor hesitated, but then he shook his head. “I could have done that a long time ago. No. Lúthien’s Silmaril is still out there in the hands of her granddaughter. I don’t know when and I don’t know what, but I know something is going to happen. The Oath will not rest. And to be honest, I don’t want to be there, when it wakes again.”

Maeglin hugged Celebrimbor. “I understand. In that case… Have you ever visited the Khazâd?” Celebrimbor’s father had been a great smith. He wondered, if Celebrimbor had followed him in his profession.

“Once, with my father, a long time ago.”

“I have — had — friends among them. We could go and see if they still live. I’d like to visit their halls again. I was always happy there.”

Celebrimbor smiled and kissed him again. “I’d like that. And I want to see you happy. Let’s go east.”

Maeglin smiled tentatively at him. He did not know yet what this was between them — a budding friendship or a budding love — and he did not know how the wolf would change his life, but with Celebrimbor there, thinking of the future didn’t seem such a scary thing to do.

---

Chapter End Notes

Written for ingenious_spark for My Slashy Valentine 2023.