what was lost on the ice by skywardstruck

Finrod

Edrahil.

Those peaceful days in Valinor, when you understood me, and I understood you. A long time ago, when we were still so young, and I knew nothing of kings or princes, lords or vassals, we played on the shores of Alqualondë. I sang to you, and you answered. You braided my golden hair. I crowned you with a necklace, a pendant I carved by hand, and you promised to never leave my side. Even as we grew older, and I learned of responsibility, things beyond the bliss of youth, beyond simple friendship and love— you were still there, always with a kind word, a gentle smile. Even during the Darkening, the Trees reduced to memory, you held my hand, and we repeated our vows once more.

Then came the Helcaraxë. Aman had nothing for us anymore; you had hope in your eyes too, when we looked east. It was only natural, when I set out, that I would take my greatest treasures with me, my dearest friend included. For nothing could break our promise. Not even the ice, as it cracked below your feet and gave way, threatened to pull you under, with nothing to hold onto.

Nothing but my hand.

Don’t let go, I pleaded. And even when it was hardest, you still held on. I dove into the water after you, carried you over my shoulders, bringing you back to land even when so many others begged for me to move on, to save myself. But your happiness, your life mattered most, for I am not complete without you.

That day, I knew I was meant to live on, to sacrifice for those I love. And that is why, I can never bring myself to regret having made the perilous journey here. But once we arrived in Middle-earth, something changed.

You swore fealty to me, in exchange for me saving your life. Now I was “lord,” and you were my “knight.”

And ever since then, there has been a fog between us. Your heart has closed to me. I reach out my hand to touch your cheek and you kiss it in reverence. I ask you to tea and I hear little but carefully-crafted phrases. We go for a walk, and we can only bask in silence.

I call you meldanya, and you turn away.

Those days in Valinor... do you ever wish you could have them back, Edrahil? If I sing now, will you answer me? Will that day ever come again, when I can be your Findaráto?

When I can finally tell you... how much I love you?