Caught in the maelstrom by ford_of_bruinen

Caught in the Maelstrom

The light was gone. The stars smothered and madness ruled the world, around us chaos and panic and betrayal. This time not only my house suffered but the entire world seemed on the edge of being devoured by the anarchy of my husband’s being. It was not a time for quick decisions, yet those were all that we had. To go or remain, to linger or fight, to flicker as candles in the time to come or burn with an all-consuming flame. It was a time of pain. I was worn out and tired, numbed with grief and horror as arm my arm was grabbed.

‘Mother, will you come with us?’ he begged, his voice urgent, desperate. His hair so much like mine, only brighter, looked like blood in the light of torches, smudged over his face. I shivered foreboding and fear tore at me. I would lose them, my children. Everyone I would lose as He had refused to leave me even the youngest and I knew, looking at Nelyafinwe, my Maitimo, that life would never show him gentleness again.

‘Mother,’ he repeated, ‘will you come, temper the fire, tame this madness?’

Could I do it, could I stand by my husband’s side again, his fire consuming me? Even through that brief fluttering thought of hope I knew I could not, the time for tempering was gone and left was a hard and brittle blade of hate.

‘Look after them, Nelyafinwe’, I blurted out, desperately wanting to hide them all under the bed -keep them safe, ‘all of them. Atarince and Carnistir will not leave their backs exposed but they need a steady hand. Macalaure, what will this do to that mind, enveloped in this. Do not let him lose his way, do you hear me, keep him on the right path. Tyelkormo will be lost, as a limb tore from the tree, hearing too many whispers on the wind and none of friends. And the Ambarussa, keep them close, do not let them out of sight or one will never set foot on the other side. Beware of fires.’

Too many words, and still too few to say what I must, to convey thoughts, feelings and so little time. What else could I tell him to keep them safe, to protect them from what was to come? Already Feanaro was bellowing for the child with me, the eldest, the heir to nothing but cold ashes.

He gave me a fey look, his eyes shining in the smoky light as he gave me a quick nod, searching my face for something.
‘I will look after them mother, I will keep them safe.’

He would not, there would be no safety in the coming ruin. Everyhere my mind looked I saw blood and death and suffering. My knowledge was choking me and it lay heavily between us as I closed my eyes, refusing to accept his vain promise. When I opened my eyes he was gone, striding towards his roaring father and I was left there, alone in the darkness, my husband’s oath already consuming me from within. I stood there long after they had gone, once the streets found an uneasy peace again.

It was not until later, much later when Tirion lay still and quiet under the stars, after the blood had dried on the sands that I realised; I had stood with my eldest within reach, my Maitimo, my brave one, yet I had not embraced him, clung to him, begged him to take care of himself, to stay whole, I had only begged for the others. I had done this naming him by his fathers’ name and I had missed the feyness of hurt fleeting across his beauty as we spoke.

I had lost my sons but somewhere I had become lost to them.

That was when the tears came.

Chapter End Notes

not betaed excuse all and any errors please :)