Always there for you by chrissystriped

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Chapter One

Warnings for this chapter: talk about suicidal thoughts and eating disorder

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‘Please don’t worry!’, Nolofinwe thought as he was riding up the mountain to reach the fortress.

How was he not supposed to worry at a letter smudged with tears and containing such dark thoughts? The things that had slowly unfolded while he transcribed it had made him shiver. He’d immediately decided to ride to Himring. As much as he’d wished to gallop at full speed towards the fortress, he could not let show that this felt like an emergency to him. Everyone else thought it was an official matter of state. A vassal lord inviting his High King. He’d only let on to Findekáno that he’d gotten disturbing news about Maedhros and his son had ridden ahead with his personal guard. It would have been proper to leave the Crown Prince behind to rule in his stead while he was gone, but Findekáno had been eager to visit his friend for a while now and he knew Maedhros would feel better with him around. He’d left Turukáno in charge instead.

Finally he was here – and it was cold. A wind was blowing from the north. The fortress looked imposing, made of grey stone and standing on an outcrop that commanded a view far into Ard-galen and what lay beyond. Maedhros had put himself on the very frontline.

He waited for him in the courtyard. Bowing to him and coming over to hold his horse’s bridle when Nolofinwe dismounted.

“My king, I’m happy to receive you in my home”, he said. “Rooms are made ready for you, if you wish to refresh yourself. May I show you to them?”

“Yes, thank you. Please lead the way.”

Nolofinwe followed Maedhros as his people were brought to their own rooms.

“Findekáno arrived earlier this week”, Maedhros said. “What did you tell him? He seemed overly worried.”

Nolofinwe shot him a look. “Did you expect me to just shrug this letter off? I told him I had information that you weren’t well and I’d be glad if he rode ahead.”

“You shouldn’t have. Not that I’m not glad that you are here – you both – but... I’d had a few bad days when I wrote that, that’s all.”

Nolofinwe looked up to Maedhros and saw the dark smudges under his eyes.

“You still aren’t sleeping well”, he stated.

“Nightmares”, Maedhros mumbled and wouldn’t meet his gaze. “Not in the hallway, all right?”

Nolofinwe agreed with an nod. Yes, this was not a conversation to have where everyone could overhear it. Maedhros let him into a sitting room that was surprisingly comfortable considering the forbidding look of the fortress’s exterior. There was a fire burning in the hearth, a comfortable couch before it and hangings on the wall that had been brought over from Aman.

“Findekáno has his rooms on the other side of the hallway”, Maedhros said. “I got Makalaure to talk him into going on a hunt with him. He’s barely left my side since he arrived and as much as I love him, I needed a little time for myself - especially when news came that you'd be here soon.”

“Come here”, Nolofinwe embraced him tightly, rubbing his back soothingly. “Do you really think you can’t let go in my presence, because I want you to dominate me when we play? Do you really not know that there’s more to us?”

“I know”, Maedhros whispered and leaned against him. “I do. But sometimes... I get dark thoughts. I wonder why anyone would want anything to do with the broken mess I am.”

“Because we love you”, answered Nolofinwe. “Because we want you to be well. I enjoy it, when I can submit to you, but I would never force this on you, if you need something else.”

Maedhros smiled at him with teary eyes. “Thank you. I... it feels good to hear that from you.”

“That’s why I’m here.” Nolofinwe stroked his cheek. “To make you feel better, even if you insist you’re fine. What do you need from me, Maedhros?”

“Listen to me?” They sat down on the couch, still holding each other and Maedhros started to talk: “I thought I could keep it in. I need to, because I don’t want my people and my brothers to doubt my decisions or to be hostile towards the escapees I do allow to live and stay here. There are those, too. I can see it in their eyes, if they escaped for real or if they are under His spell. Or at least I think I can. What if I delude myself? What if I let someone life who’s going to betray us later? What if I kill someone who could have been saved? What if I can’t trust myself? He owned me. He was in my head. I fought it, but He was too strong. What if a part of Him is still there and just waits for the right moment to take over?”

Maedhros was trembling and Nolofinwe held him tight. The despair in his words made his heart clench. It was good he’d come.

“I think he’s sending you these people to make you doubt yourself”, he said slowly. “He injured you but he did not conquer you. You escaped him and he can’t have that, so he’s trying to wear you down. Don’t let him in, Maedhros. I believe that what you do is a mercy. Turukáno has found a group of escaped slaves a while ago and their leader does the same as you. I’ve seen him look people, who come to us, deeply in the eyes and either kill them quickly or tell Turukáno, if it’s save to take them in. It is not kinslaying as... as it happened in Alqualonde. It is a mercy. A chance for the fea to move on and heal instead of living on in torment.” Nolofinwe kissed Maedhros’s cheek. “Would you like to sleep now, with your head in my lap, while I stroke your hair?”

Maedhros nodded. “Thank you”, he whispered as he settled down, curled up on his side. “Wake me, if I start to seem restless.”

“I will guard your dreams”, Nolofinwe promised, his fingers undoing Maedhros’s braids and slowly combing them out. Maedhros sighed and relaxed into his touch. Nolofinwe hummed a lullaby under his breath.

 

Maedhros woke to soft voices talking. He sat up and saw Nolofinwe standing at the door, speaking with someone outside.

“Who was it?”, he mumbled when Nolofinwe closed the door and came back to him. He’d slept through the knock, which was remarkable given his usually light sleep.

“Your steward. He was wondering where you got to. He seems to think you aren’t eating enough and trying to skip meals. I promised him we’d be punctual at dinner.”

Maedhros glared at him. “I’m not a child.”

“No, you are not.” Nolofinwe kissed his cheek. “But you need to eat.”

“I am eating!” Maedhros sighed at Nolofinwe’s questioning glance. “It’s the people. Sometimes I can’t bear to let them see me eat.”

Nolofinwe sat down beside him again. “Do you want to talk about it? Do you need me to be to be your núro to do so?”

Maedhros reached for his hand and squeezed it tightly in gratitude. He was still so amazed every time Nolofinwe offered himself so readily to help him deal with his scars.

“Later maybe? If we do this now, I won’t be able to dine in public.”

“We should get ready then. He said in an hour and I want to wash off the dust of the road.”

“I’m sorry that I kept you from resting”, said Maedhros with a grimace.

Nolofinwe gave him a kiss. “I did rest. It was good to see you sleep so deeply. See you in an hour.”

“Is that an order, my king”, Maedhros asked with a wry smile.

“It is.”

Nolofinwe winked at him and Maedhros left him with a lighter heart and more rested than he’d been in weeks. Fingon had stayed with him for a few nights to wake him from his nightmares, but it was different – he’d still worried about Nolofinwe’s reaction at the time. Now he was sure again of his love.

 

They’d eaten quickly. There would be a feast to properly celebrate the presence of the High King and the Crown Prince, but that would wait until Findekáno and Makalaure came back from their hunt.

“Should we go to my room or yours, my prince”, Nolofinwe whispered into Maedhros’s ear when they left the dining room.

“Mine”, answered Maedhros. “If you’re sure...”

“I am.” Nolofinwe squeezed his hand. “I won’t force you to talk about it. But maybe it could help?”

Maedhros knew he was right. He’d always felt better, after he’d told Nolofinwe about his problems.

“Yes”, he said softly.

They walked quietly to his room, Nolofinwe’s hand wrapped around his and he drew circles on his wrist with his thumb. Maedhros relaxed under the touch.

“Will you make yourself vulnerable for me?”, he asked after letting them into his room.

“Of course, my prince", Nolofinwe answered and kissed his cheek, before taking a step back and starting to undress.

Maedhros watched him, feeling a warmth spread in his chest as Nolofinwe blindfolded himself and tied his hands with the rope he’d handed him. It would never cease to amaze him what this wonderful elf was ready to do for him. He helped Nolofinwe to lie down and kissed his cheek.

“Thank you”, he whispered as he pushed a gag into his mouth and embraced him from behind. “I love you so much. I’m so glad you came, even if I said I’m okay. It feels good to have you here. I... have trouble eating in public. I often just grab something from the kitchens later – if I remember to eat. I had to learn to ignore the feeling of hunger.” Maedhros’s voice broke, he licked his lips. “He... made me eat from his hand”, he croaked. “In front of everyone. He starved me. He let me lick food from the ground before His feet.”

Hot tears ran down his cheeks. How he must have looked. Thin and pale, covered in bruises. Pathetic. He heard His laughter in his head and clung to Nolofinwe to anchor himself in the present.

“He put delicious food in front of me and denied it to me. I still feel like I have to eat quickly, if I’m not alone, or someone will take it away from me.”

Maedhros stroked Nolofinwe’s naked side with his hand. He felt calmer now that he’d said it. It was strange. Whenever he was forced to think of his time in Angband it turned him into a shivering mess – even if he didn’t let it show outwardly – but with Nolofinwe in his arms, his heart was calm.

“Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here for me.”

He squeezed Nolofinwe’s bound hands and kissed his neck before pulling the gag from his mouth. 

“How do you feel now?”, asked Nolofinwe.

“Better.” Maedhros held him tighter. “Can I hold you for a moment longer?”

“Of course.” Nolofinwe leaned against him.

“What are you thinking?”, asked Maedhros softly.

“Will you promise me you’ll try to eat regularly? I’m worried about you, Maedhros.”

“I’ll try. I’ve had a hard few days.” Maybe it was more a hard few weeks, but he didn’t want to tell Nolofinwe that. “Thank you for being here.”

“Always, my love. And Maedhros... please don’t do something to yourself. What you wrote about the Everlasting Darkness at the end... That scared me.”

Maedhros closed his eyes and held him tighter. ‘My love.’ He’d never thought Nolofinwe would call him that before the world grew dark – he still wasn’t completely sure that he didn’t only say it to make him feel secure, but it felt so good anyway.

“I love you, too”, he whispered and kissed his neck. “I won’t. I sometimes think of how it would be to just vanish, not to be there any longer. But I know what it would do to my family, if I took my own life. I will not go there, I’d have done that long ago, if I really thought that would be the solution. Let me take these off”, he added and untied Nolofinwe’s hands before pulling off the blindfold.

Nolofinwe blinked a few times and smiled at him. “Do you want me to leave now or stay a little longer?”

Maedhros kissed him gently. He knew that Nolofinwe wouldn’t resent him either way. He was so generous!

“Please stay”, he murmured und pulled the blanket over them both. “Hold me?”

Nolofinwe’s arm enveloped him and Maedhros snuggled against his chest, breathing in his scent. Nolofinwe’s fingers combed through his hair as he slowly drifted off to sleep.