What remains by chrissystriped

What remains

Read What remains

Eonwe folded his wings and strode under the deep hanging branches. The copse of conifers had an eerie feeling, the shadows seeming alive.

‘Please, let it be him, this time’, he thought.

He’d searched far and wide for his fallen brother — his fallen lover — but every time he thought he was close, it had only been some other remnant of the Darkness. His king had given him leave — “for as long as you need” — but Eonwe felt neglectful of his duty nonetheless.

The feeling of oppression and dread strengthened as he moved deeper between the trees, the sun was hidden by the branches but Eonwe thought it still was darker than it should have been.

What little remained of Sauron was hiding under the gnarled roots of an old spruce.

“Come to me”, Eonwe sang softly. “Come to me, dearest.”

He reached out with his hand, the shadow shying back from him. Eonwe waited patiently, humming a calming tune as if he were dealing with a frightened animal. He didn’t know how aware this remnant of a Maia was — or what he remembered. Even though Eonwe had heard Olórin’s account of the War of the Ring and what it had likely done to Sauron, it frightened him to see how little of the one he’d called Mairon was left.

The shadow touched his skin, sending a tendril of coldness up his arm. Eonwe shivered. Mairon was frightened and cold.

“What are you doing here?”, Eonwe wondered to himself. “So far away from any fire. Come, I’ll bring you to a warmer place.”

The shadow pooled into the cup of his palm and Eonwe cradled him to his chest. He quickly walked out of the copse before spreading his wings and launching himself into the sky.

“Let’s go home.”

 

Eonwe kept the fire in his room burning high at all times, and if some friend remarked on the strange shadow that seemed to defy the motions of the flames, he just shrugged and smiled.

 

Eonwe stopped short when he entered his room and saw someone lie on the rug before the fire. It had been centuries since he’d found Mairon. As weak as he’d been, no one had been quite sure if he’d ever be able to form a body again — or even come to full awareness of himself. And if Namo had more insights, he didn’t tell.

He looked exhausted, dark shadows under his closed eyes and shivering despite the fire. Eonwe grabbed a blanket from his bed and spread it over him. Mairon opened his eyes, yellow and reflective like a cat’s.

“What happened to me?”, he whispered with a tremble in his voice that was not entirely due to being cold. “I feel so empty.”

Eonwe sat down heavily beside him. “What do you remember?”

Mairon furrowed his brows, a puzzled look coming to his face. “I… we entered Arda to make it ready for the Children. Melkor fought us and the Valar chased him out. And we settled on Almaren…”

Eonwe stared at him. “Nothing else? That’s been Ages ago, Mairon!”

“What happened to me?”, Mairon asked again, looking frightened.

“You…”

Eonwe bit his lip. He couldn’t tell him. He just couldn’t. Not when he looked at him like that.

He reached out and stroked Mairon’s head calmingly. He shyly came closer, laying his head into Eonwe’s lap and snuggling against him.

“You had an… accident. You lost your corporeal form and much of your power. We… we weren’t sure, if you’d ever be aware of yourself again.” Eonwe took a deep breath. “I missed you so much, Mairon. We were very close, once.”

He spoke of their time together, ignoring for the moment all that came after Mairon left to join Melkor -- the hurt, feeling betrayed and heartbroken. He knew, he’d have to tell him eventually, but right now, he just wanted to share the good times with him. He was frightened enough without telling him he’d joined the Enemy — been the Enemy.

He carded his fingers through Mairon’s coal black hair while he talked and felt him slowly relax.

“I feel affection for you”, Mairon said after Eonwe fell silent. “Great affection. But I remember none of this. Will it come back, you think? The memory?”

“I don’t know.”

He’d have to find out about his past, eventually, Eonwe knew that, but not now, not today. Today he would hold him and make him feel safe. It was selfish, but he wanted to keep Mairon for a while longer, before he told his king. Sauron needed to be judged, but not today.

 

“He doesn’t remember anything at all?”, Olórin said. Manwe had asked him to join, when Eonwe had told him, Mairon had regained his body. “You know Sauron is devious. He might only act like he’s forgotten everything to make you feel sorry for him.”

Eonwe shook his head. “I don’t believe that. I did not feel any malice from him. My king, how can we judge someone who does not remember the evil he did?” He turned to Manwe, looking imploringly at him.

“If he really does have no memory of the past, he will not be imprisoned. But I think, your judgement might be clouded by your affection for him.” Manwe looked at him with knowing eyes. “I have made that mistake myself, long ago. I just want to save you the heartbreak.”

Eonwe lowered his head. He knew how hard it had been for Manwe, when Melkor had betrayed them.

“I asked Olórin here, because he has fought Sauron on Middle-earth and knows best how he would think. He shall examine him.”

“Yes, my king.” Eonwe bowed, then looked at Olórin. “Please, be gentle. He’s confused and frightened.”

“I will be, if what he told you is the truth”, Olórin answered. “You have told him nothing?”

“No. I just… I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it.”

Olórin squeezed his hand. “You care for him — for the sake of the one he was a very long time ago — and I can not blame you for that. I will talk to him and see what I can.”

 

Mairon sat on the floor close to the fire when Eonwe and Olórin entered the room, he still felt cold without an external heat source. Mairon’s eyes widened, when he saw Olórin, his shoulders tensed.

“Who are you?”, he whispered with a tremble in his voice. “Why am I scared of you?”

Olórin looked sharply at Mairon and Eonwe thought for a moment that he saw bristling grey eyebrows over his penetrating blue eyes.

“You do not know me?”

Mairon’s eyes followed Olórin’s movements as he sat down before him. “No. I don’t remember, why I should be so afraid of you.”

“I was called Gandalf and Incánus, Tharkûn and Mithrandir. Does none of this names mean anything to you?” Olórin’s voice was even, showing none of the anger he might have felt towards the one he’d fought for so long.

Eonwe settled down beside Mairon and reached for his hand, wanting to calm him.

Mairon shook his head. “I don’t remember anything.”

Olórin slipped back his sleeve and showed Mairon the ring on his finger. “This is Narya. You searched long and hard for it.”

“I don’t remember”, Mairon repeated. A tear was running down his cheek. “But for some reason, seeing it makes me sad.”

Olórin held his gaze a while longer, then he sighed. “I believe you. I can see no deception.” He rose and motioned for Eonwe to join him. They went out into the hallway. “I believe he is telling the truth”, Olórin said. “All that is left from his memories are emotions, I think.”

Eonwe breathed a sigh of relief and Olórin gave him a sharp look. “I hope you know it can’t stay that way.”

“I know.” Eonwe looked away. “I just wish it were otherwise.”

Olórin laid a hand on his shoulder. “Would you really wish that. A love that is based on a lie? And it would be a lie, with him not knowing anything about who he was. How can he be given another chance, if he does not remember what he did wrong before?”

“You would give him a chance, even when you fought him for so long?”

“I do.” Olórin met his eyes. “You thought it were otherwise. I have been teaching pity for all my time in Middle-earth. He cut off something of himself, because he thought it necessary for some reason — and now that part of him is destroyed. Yes, I pity him. His punishment is not for me to decide, of course, or you, but Manwe will postpone any judgement until the return of his memories, I think. I will suggest, Mairon should be given into the care of Vaire and Nienna. Vaire will help him remember and Nienna will teach him about pity and compassion, something he has not known before.”

“Thank you”, Eonwe said.

The Valar would have to agree to this, of course, but he knew that Manwe valued Olórin’s counsel highly. If they should decide to show mercy on Mairon, it would be easier for him to make this chance count with Nienna’s teachings in his heart.

“It pains me to have to let him go”, he said softly. What if the regaining of his memories would mean he turned away from him again? “But you are right of course.” He smiled bravely. Olórin patted his shoulder.

 

Eonwe held Mairon’s hands in his own and kissed his forehead. “Find your memories”, he said. “And if you need me, you only have to call. I will come.” “Thank you”, Mairon said. “I will miss you, even if I don’t remember us.” He kissed Eonwe’s cheek and let Nienna lead him away.

 

Mairon took a deep breath as he stepped into the room where Eonwe was waiting. It was one of the more comfortable rooms in Mandos, made for elves who had regained their hroa but needed a bit of time to settle, before stepping out into the world.

“I remember”, he said without greeting. “Not everything, but enough.”

“And what do you think now?” There was a dark, desperate pain in Eonwe’s eyes. He’d always been bad at hiding his feelings.

“Why did you search for me?”, Mairon answered with a question of his own. “After all the pain I caused you, after I ran away when you reached out for me.”

“I could not bear the thought of you, alone and powerless. Whatever you had done, however you would respond to me. I could not give you up.”

“But I left you”, Mairon whispered.

He remembered feeling held back by what the Valar were ready to do. He had been drawn in by the power Melkor offered. He’d loved to hold that power in his own hands… It was gone. He could not understand anymore how he could have ever thought the Ring would be a good idea. It was the same mistake, Melkor had made when he’d let this power flow into his creatures.

“I don’t know, if I can be… what you and them want me to be.”

He knew he was no danger to them anymore. He could barely keep warm without a physical fire close by — a fire he could no longer light himself.

“Will you try?” Eonwe took his cold hands, warming them between his own.

The affection Mairon had felt for him when he’d come to himself was welling up inside him again. A lot stronger now that he remembered the life they’d had. Moments snatched between fulfilling their duties, exploring the young world together... They’d been in love.

Mairon felt his heart ache at the memory of another love. The Ring had not only cost him his power but also Celebrimbor’s love and that hurt even more (almost). He had broken the hearts of both the people who had loved him.

He was scared to think about how meeting Celebrimbor again would be. But Eonwe was here. Eonwe wanted him back... Eonwe wanted back who he had been.

“I am no longer he whom you loved”, he said softly, the ache in his chest intensifying.

“Then let me come to know who you are now”, Eonwe anwered, kissing his fingers.

Mairon drew a shuddering breath. “I will try”, he answered and Eonwe smiled.