Awesome Ladies by daughterofshadows

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Nerdanel - the early days after the darkening of Valinor

Warnings for heavy angst.

Nerdanel's cycle picks up very soon after the loss of the trees, before the first kinslaying, covers her reaction to the first kinslaying and ends shortly after the ships have burned at Losgar (though that isn't explicitly mentioned.

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Her sons disappear in a cloud of dust and darkness, leaving Mastomahtano behind as they have done countless times before. Never has their departure felt more final.

Her sister wraps a cloak around her shoulders, and Uruvanima grabs her hand. Nerdanel clings to it like a lifeline.

“Tell me I am not a fool for letting them leave,” she whispers.

Uruvanima squeezes her hand. “You couldn’t have trapped them anymore then father could have trapped you back when you went travelling. They have the best parts of both of you. They’ll be fine.”

For a moment, Nerdanel almost believes it.

 

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A massacre. Her family has slaughtered hundreds in the name of revenge. Nerdanel’s fingers dig into the table, nails scraping against the wood.

“Have they lost their minds?”

Her family doesn’t answer. What is there to say?

Rage bubbles in her throat, fills the empty pit in her stomach. She cannot remember ever being so angry before.

It is only when her cousin gently pries her fingers off the table that she realises she has made herself bleed.

She stares at her hands, blind to the world as Rōka cleans her hands.

How much blood had been spilled in Alqualondë?

 

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There are days Nerdanel is convinced she is going insane. It wouldn’t surprise her.

Fëanáro’s voice whisper in her ears, but his words contain only madness, not wisdom. She wonders what happened to the clever man she once loved.

Rōka left to check on his friends in Alqualondë. They haven’t heard from her cousin in days. She hopes at least he is alright.

Aulë requested her father’s help. Their people work tirelessly to return light to the world. Nerdanel does what she can to assist them, but her sculptures are of little use here.

Still, it is better than idleness.

 

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Days blur together. Without light there is no telling of time passing.

Nerdanel’s dreams are filled with the memories of unseen horrors, and so she avoids sleep altogether until her sister drags her to bed. Then she weeps into Uruvanima’s shoulder until exhaustion overcomes her and she finally slips into Irmo’s realm.

Her sister holds her until she wakes again.

Anger follows.

It explodes over her workshop, and leaves only destruction in its wake.

And as she rebuilds her life from the rubble, Nerdanel swears her own oath.

Her life is hers to live. Fëanáro will rule it no longer.

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Chapter End Notes

This was written during the Spies in the Shadows Drabble Duel for the Tolkien's Rockin' Ladies Bingo, and the prompts were the following:

Nerdanel +

1. I am not the fool

2. The children lost their minds

3. Devil on my Shoulders

4. You are not the king

This was originally four different drabbles, but I feel that it works just as nicely in one chapter.