A Grief Ever-Worsening by Flora-lass

A Grief Ever-Worsening

My dear cousin…

But none of those words will do. You are not mine, however much I might wish it, and calling you ‘dear’ does not even begin to express how I feel about you. And ‘cousin’...well, is that not the source of all my grief? Could you ever have cared for me, if we had not been such close kin? It is useless to speculate - and yet I do so, endlessly and hopelessly.

I know you see more of my thoughts than I would wish, and it takes constant effort to hide even more of them from you. But I also know something of your mind, to my cost. I know you consider me crooked, simply for loving you, and you think less of me than you would if I did not. 

Please believe me when I say that I would never willingly dishonour you. I would ease the shame you feel at being loved by your strange cousin from the gloomy forest, if only I could. Indeed, it would be far easier not to love you at all, as the pain only increases with time, and eats away at my heart. And yet - do I wish that I had never loved you? I do not know. However unworthy you think me, my heart belongs to you. But…it hurts.

So how did it happen? Or rather, how could it not have happened? You were kind in those early days, when I was mute from shock and loss, and dazzled by the light and splendour of this place (to which not even my mother's tales and descriptions had done justice). And your beauty outshone it all. I could find no words for anything, not even to ask my way, and more than once you found me wandering and somehow knew what I needed. And I have never truly found my voice again, and can only love you, in silence. 

For all my fine words in council are only uttered to drown out my thoughts, and my designs on power are simply an attempt to control what I can. Of course, I wish to do well by you and the King, and my advice thus far has been honestly given, for the good of Gondolin. But I know I go further than I need, as I seek to ease this ever-worsening grief; and I stray further than I ought, searching for the things of the earth which once seemed beautiful to me (and which have proved so vital to the defence of the city). But no other beauty compares to yours.

I swear it was for you that I went forth to the Battle with your father. I may even have had some vague dream that deeds of valour would somehow change your mind. But instead I heard a prophecy which filled me with dread. For if there has been any comfort up to now, it has been that you do not love another…

Idril, I feel my heart darkening, and I do not know how much longer I can hold out. After all, I was twice-cursed by my father, who killed my mother while attempting to kill me, and I fear I am more like him than I would ever choose to be. 

Protect yourself from me, I beg you. And know that anything I may do, whether good or evil, is done for love of you.

Maeglin.