By Love or at Least Free Will by grey_gazania

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Changes

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“Nothing has changed, except everything." — David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

 

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To Fingon Fingolfinion, lord of Hithlum and Crown Prince of the Noldor greetings from your cousin Maedhros Feanorion of Himring, head of the House of Feanor.

Allow me to extend my congratulations both to you and to your betrothed; doubtless she is a woman of many virtues to have so thoroughly gained your affection. I await your upcoming visit, and hope to extend my felicitations on such an auspicious union in person.

Best wishes,

Maedhros

 

The letter had arrived by bird that afternoon, and I had already read it thrice over, only barely holding back a wince each time. It may have seemed innocuous enough to an outsider, but to me the pain behind the words was palpable. If only I could have told Maedhros in person! After all, my seasonal visit to examine Himring's defenses was only a few days away. But my father had wanted to announce the news as swiftly as possible, and so it was that the formal announcement had reached my cousin first.

But I would see him soon. Surely I could still salvage this.

 

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It was an easy enough journey to Himring, for our lands were peaceful and our roads well-built. The weather also remained clear, so we made good time and reached the fortress exactly on our projected day of arrival. The trumpeters stationed on the ramparts announced us and we were greeted with all due pomp. Maedhros' welcome seemed as warm as ever, but he had always been adept at keeping up appearances — even more so since his long torment on Thangorodrim. Without that skill he would never have regained leadership over his more truculent brothers.

After I had refreshed myself, I joined him in his study as I always did when I visited. There was a great commotion below his window. Looking out, I saw Doronel, his second-in-command, leading a section of the guard through an unfamiliar bow exercise.

"It's a technique my brothers picked up from the Laegrim," Maedhros said, standing just behind me and watching over my shoulder. "I think you'll be favorably impressed. When would you like to start your inspection?"

"Don't do this, Russandol," I said softly.

"You came here to inspect my defenses, did you not?" he said.

"When have I ever begun my inspection on my day of arrival?" I asked, turning to face him. "When have we ever not exchanged news, shared a meal, sat and talked?"

"Is there something we need to talk about?" His face and voice were utterly impassive. I forgot, sometimes, that he could be cruel, because he so very rarely directed it at me.

"Russandol…"

He was silent and still, his grey eyes like stone. "A letter, Káno," he finally said. "Not even a letter from you — a letter from your father."

I looked away, ashamed. "I wanted to tell you in person," I said, "I truly did. But Atto wanted the news to be announced as soon as possible. It would have seemed strange if we had not sent you a letter along with everyone else. Surely you see that."

"Of course. This is all about practicality, is it not?"

I felt a sudden rush of hot anger, anger that he was making this even more difficult than it already was. I glanced over at the door and, seeing that it was firmly shut, grabbed Maedhros and pulled him into a rough kiss. "You fool," I said, "do you think this is any easier for me?"

"You had a choice in this," he snapped, pushing me away.

"So did you," I said. "You set this in motion when you ceded the crown to my father. I have one living brother. One. And no one has seen him in yení, Maedhros. I cannot be the Crown Prince and remain childless. And you knew Atto was looking to strengthen our alliances in Mithrim. You knew he had me looking for a wife."

"I didn't think you would actually find someone!" Maedhros burst out.

"Did you expect me to reject every woman in Mithrim?" I said, throwing my hands up in exasperation. "I have to do this, Maedhros. I have no choice!"

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" he said acidly. "Because it doesn't, Fingon."

I buried my face in my hands and let out a long sigh. "Stop, Russandol," I said. "Just stop, all right? I am sorry. I am sorry that I'm doing this to you. I am sorry that there is no way for me to navigate this situation without hurting someone. I am sorry about everything."

He turned away from me, his arms crossed over his chest, and said, "Tell me about this woman."

"Her name is Ianneth," I said, fixing my gaze on the rigid set of his shoulders. "She is the older daughter of Lord Annael. She is an herbalist and a healer."

"No," he said. "Tell me about her. Tell me why, out of all the women in Mithrim, she is the one you chose."

I was silent. What did he want me to say? That I had simply chosen the most palatable of my options? That did Ianneth a disservice, and as much as I loved Maedhros, I was not willing to pay insult to my future wife.

"She is an admirable woman," I finally said. "She is lively, witty, kind, thoughtful… I've grown to care for her, Russandol."

"Is she beautiful?"

"Very lovely," I admitted.

"So it will be no chore, then, to lie with her."

"That is a necessary step in creating a child," I said, unable to keep a hint of waspishness out of my voice. He still wouldn't face me, and there was only so much time I could spend speaking to the back of his head without becoming irritated.

But even as I watched, some of the tension drained from his body, and his shoulders slumped as he let his arms fall to his sides. "I always knew I would lose you," he said, his voice very soft. "I just didn't think it would be so soon."

"You're not losing me," I said firmly. "I won't give you up, Russandol."

"You should," he said. "She will be better for you. I am doomed, remember?"

"So am I," I said. "Or have you forgotten that I came to your aid at Alqualondë? There is as much blood on my hands as there is on yours."

He shook his head. "You thought you were defending your kin."

"That doesn't make those I killed any less dead," I said flatly. "Now turn around and face me, damn it!"

He did, slowly, and I saw that there was a great sorrow painted across his face. He truly did think that I was going to abandon him — he whom I had loved since our youth in Valinor.

"I will not leave you," I said firmly. "I will do as my father needs me to do, and I will marry Ianneth, and I will treat her with all the care that she deserves, but I will not leave you. I do not yet know how I will make this work, but I will find a way. Nothing will change between us. I swear it."

"Things have already changed, Káno," he said softly. But this time when I placed my hand on the back of his neck and pulled him close, pressing our lips together, he did not resist.

I would make this work. Somehow, I would make it work.