I Am Running Into a New Year by Talullah

Chapter 1

Legendarium Ladies April - April 25, posted during amnesty week
General Prompt: Hope
Picture Prompt: Lady with Camellias, by Molly Dean

Poetry Prompt: i am running into a new year, by Lucille Clifton
i am running into a new year
and the old years blow back
like a wind
that i catch in my hair
like strong fingers like
all my old promises and
it will be hard to let go
of what i said to myself
about myself
when i was sixteen and
twenty-six and thirty-six
even thirty-six but
i am running into a new year
and i beg what i love and
i leave to forgive me

There’s a whole phrase that’s lifted from the poem.

Emerië, 630 SA

My dearest cousin Isilmë,

Thank you so much for your kind letter. I was so very happy that after decades of silence and neglect on my part, you were so kind in replying so promptly to my note and so delighted in the warmth in your words. I am truly sorry that I was silent for all these years, but one with your kind nature could not fail to see that I was suffering, though through no fault of your own or even of Silmarën’s, and needed distance from everything that reminded me of my pain. And then I was not suffering as much, but was stubbornly attached to my previous poor behavior and too embarrassed to rekindle our friendship. I am so glad to see that your generous and loving nature remains untouched by the years and that my paltry and belated apology was accepted without the merest reserve.

I am grateful that you let me know that Silmariën holds no grudges and was truly happy with the gift we sent for the baby. I do wish her to be happy as a mother and as a wife and I am thankful for the many years of closeness that we shared. Her letter was affable and kind but she was always perfectly polite, and it is so good to know that her words and good wishes were not born out of mere civility.

I also thank you for the lovely gift you sent. I shall be wearing it the next time the family gathers in Armenelos for the spring celebrations. You know how I love the Erukyermë… Everyone ascends the mountain with bodies and souls light as feathers, and we are all solemn as the occasion demands, but happy in our hearts, full of hope and renewed energy.

Speaking of which, there is something that I want to tell you. I do not want you to be a courier from myself to Silmariën and I am sending her a letter with the same news as I tell you now. This year, I am running into a new year and the old years blow back like a wind that I catch in my hair, like strong fingers, like all my old promises. My engagement will be announced by my father when the family gathers for dinner on the Erukyermë, after the ascent.

I suppose that you are surprised but I hope that you will be happy for me. As the loneliness and bitterness wore off my heart, I found that being immersed in the many tasks of the farm was not enough anymore. I need love. I am not lonely or broken anymore, and I am not searching for a haven, but rather for the foundation of something that will grow.

There is this man who comes by to visit Father often. Over the years, he has seen me sullen and glum, he has seen me in simple linen dresses and with my face red over the fire in the kitchen, as I make preserves, he has heard me talk bitterly about love, he has helped us during the harvests in detriment of his own farm...

After much insistence from Mother, Father, Ardamir and even Cemendur, who is always with his head in the clouds, I started to see that it was not only out of the depth of his friendship with Father and Ardamir that he kept coming. And I started noticing the small gifts that he brought, sometimes to the family, sometimes only to myself, always carefully selected. The ripest peaches from his orchards, the sweetest honey from his hives, camellias from his garden… books of poetry and sheets of music, although he, himself, states that he only truly likes to read about agriculture.

As he kept coming, with no demands or requests, he became a friend, a good and kind friend. I found that when he did not come for a few weeks, for whatever reason, I yearned for his presence and his kind humor and willing ear. I will not say that he replaces my first love in my heart, but he made ample room for himself and I hope that we will be happy together, kind to one another and the family that we may build.

Oh, how I have wished the same for you, my sweet Isilmë, in all those years when I lived in court, close to you and to Silmariën. But you were wise and chose another fate for yourself, that is more suited to your needs and desires. I am happy that you lead a fulfilling life and I was thrilled to read all about the richness of your days. How easy it is to disdain the quotidian of a woman, and yet, how many things that are not heroic or seemingly grand are produced by our hands, from my humble preserves to the lovely poetry of our aunts and your precious work in healing. I am so happy for you and for Silmariën, for the full and happy lives that you lead in Andunië. And I am so happy for myself and Abrazân - that is his name. And I am so happy that I found it in myself to forgive the past and myself, rekindle our friendship, embrace this new day.

This letter was rather selfish and self-centered, but I hope you will forgive me and be happy for me. I also hope that soon I will get another letter from you and that you will come to the Erukyermë.

Your loving cousin,
Lindissë

Finis
May 2020

Chapter End Notes

This fic refers to the relationship established on The Edges of the Stars but I think it stands independently.

The name Abrazân - Steadfast is from Real Elvish