I laughed out loud.  Literally.  Several times.  The word “eldarophilia” was particularly genius. ;)  Lots of bizarre references in here, but I think I caught most of them... Nice going!

"Oh, sorry. "she sneered. "My baby daughter told me loads of embarrassing stories about one Sauron the Sissy and his Embarrassing Naked Flight from Tol-in-Gaurhoth. I assumed it was you."

That alone would have me ROFL, but you had to throw in the bit about Melian setting up Doriath as a tax haven, and her vision of Thingol as a grumpy husband!

And the last line is priceless!  Well done!

Very funny!  I especially liked the Saruman appearance.  Also Eonwe's foresight flashes and Sauron muttering about Eru's greatest hits.