All I know is Penance. That is all I need know. by Lindale

Chapter 1

All I know is Penance. That is all I need know.  

Dark are my days for nothing compares to the light of the trees, not even the Sun, born from the last fruit borne of Laurelin.  I wonder who is left of those who crossed the Helcaraxë? Fingolfin’s sons are dead for the throne had passed back to the place I betrayed. His daughter? Our Friend who we left standing on the white beaches? Finarfins’ children, sailed? I do not know. All I know is that I am alone and cold. Long I wander these shores without purpose. The green of the grass inspired me once, as did the blue sea, the wind rustling the leaves of the trees. Now nothing makes me sing merrily.  

I must repay Eru for my awful deeds but this wandering does not come close to the wrong of mine and my brothers terrible deeds.   I realize now that the ships crafted by the Teleri were and perhaps still are like the music I composed. Now I see that. No longer have I the blindfold over my eyes.  I can see the pain we caused to so many people through the loss of their families and friends. I can see the devastation we caused, but what for? The Jewels?! I will never see my Telerin friends again.  

The jewels my father treasured, maybe later more than Amil and his sons. The jewels which got many people killed for something that we never regained. For the jewels that took my mothers place.  

I am so cold. It is so dark. Even the stars veil their faces against me.   

That awful oath. My brothers gave their lives for those jewels. Celegorm, Caranthir and Curufin we lost at Doriath because they were bound to the Oath. The twins. The twins, the sparkle of hope in the dark times, so young, too young. So very young. They did not know what was happening when we swore the Oath. That Curséd oath. They lost their lives at the Sirion.

Maedhros gave his self to the Earth. The pain was too much and the Earth took them both. The burning. Still I remember it. So many years later. The burning scarred my hand and even as I look at it, a circle of red set upon white, it brought pain intolerable. It still does. Eönwë was right; we had no claim on the Silmarils. I did not hesitate to throw it into the sea, maybe I should have thrown myself into the Sea.   

So the Silmarils completed the circle of Elements. Wrought by Fire in fire, they were claimed by the Earth, the Sea and the Sky.    

Celegorm sent Eluréd and Elurín into the forest. They were only children so young. The expression on Maedhros face when he found it out is etched into my brain forever. It will not leave. We did not find their bodies-we could not have given them a funeral.  Is that not ironic, us who killed their parents giving them a funeral? 

I remember how we choose to ransom Elwing and Eärendil’s sons. I weep for I remember with such clarity the pleading look and sheer terror on their faces as we marched up to them. They were just little boys. I sit and put my head in my arms and weep but I stand and continue walking for this is my curse. Not death, for that is the Gift of Men. Weariness and penance is all I need know. Nothing else. All I know is penance. That is all I need know.  

My heart broke when I saw the look on Elros’ and Elrond’s faces as they crawled out from underneath a blanket. They were not crying, just terrified. I froze. I was weary and I could not bring myself to kill these children-so full of life, destinies unfulfilled, children to sire. I would not do what Celegorm did to their Uncles who we later found out were Eluréd and Elurín, brothers of Elwing. We said that they would not die. Did they? I do not know.   

All I know is weariness and penance and the memories of times filled not with blood and tears, but of light and laughter. All I know is Penance. That is all I need know.  

I will never see my mother again. I wonder how she fares. Alone. I wonder sometimes how she felt after we left. Where she dwells, if she still sculpts the statues that looked real. All of us left her in the madness of the Oath. I will never see her again. Will I see her at Dagor Dagorath? I wonder sometimes what my father will be like, what it will be like meeting my mother and brothers. Will it be sombre, happy or tense? I will never see her again. I am sorry Amil. I truly am.   

Death will be peaceful for Elves who are slain in battle defending others. They will see the Blessed realm and be at peace. We will have no peace. We will not be at rest. We will not see the Blessed realm. We saw and lived in the Blessed realm and ruined it.  

 For jewels.  

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 ~Amil-Mother in Quenya 

Please review, I would really appreciate it.  

Lindale