Swan Song by Ithilwen

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An Unexpected Gift

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Chapter 6 – An Unexpected Gift

"You need to tell him soon, you know. You won't be able to keep it a secret much longer."

"I know. I just wanted to wait long enough to be sure everything was going to be all right between us first."

"And is it?"

"I think so, yes."

"Then tell him now. There's nothing to gain by putting it off any longer."

"You're right."

Maglor happened to be passing by the door to the back garden when the quiet voices of his mother and his wife drifted in on the breeze through an opened window nearby. Curious, he stepped out into the moonlit night to join Nerdanel and Aurel in the garden. "I couldn't help but overhear. Tell me what?" he asked his wife.

Nerdanel smiled at Aurel. "Good luck," she told her, and gave her daughter-in-law a quick kiss on the cheek before quickly walking back inside the house.

"So, now you are hiding secrets from me," Maglor said, keeping his voice light and teasing, as he took Aurel's hand and walked with her further into the garden and (he hoped) out of range of any other eavesdroppers. "Just what naughty things have you done, Aurel, that you don't want to tell me about?" His voice became more serious as he continued, "Or is the problem something I have done to you, which seems altogether more likely? I know I am not the easiest person to live with now, but I thought we had worked through our difficulties, and that you would tell me if I had done something to upset you –"

"No, it's nothing like that, Káno," Aurel replied, giving him a quick kiss. "Although the problem certainly is something you have done to me." And then she laughed brightly and told him, "Káno, I'm pregnant."

"You're –" Too dumbfounded to continue, Maglor simply stared at his wife for a long moment. "How is that possible?" he finally asked her in a weak voice.

Aurel laughed again. "You can ask that, after the way the two of us have been behaving since our reunion? Don't even try to tell me you've forgotten how babies are made, husband!"

Maglor's initial shock was giving way to…what? A quiet happiness, certainly, but there were other, muddier emotions mingled in with it, he realized. Something to think about later, his true feelings about this unexpected news. "No, even I am not that witless," he replied as he took his wife into his arms. "I only meant… We are so old, Aurel. We were both born in the time of the Trees, have seen so many Ages pass…" As he spoke, Maglor realized he no longer had any real idea of just how many Ages of the world had passed during his wanderings in the mortal lands, and was suddenly certain he never cared to know. "Such a thing hardly seems possible…"

"More children are being born these days than you might expect, Káno, but you are right: they are usually born to parents far younger than we are. But our marriage was so new before your Oath tore us apart, we had not yet had much chance to conceive; perhaps that is why Ilúvatar has taken pity on us now and given us this gift? You are not the only one of the Noldor to have fathered a child after returning to these lands, you know."

I have fathered a child… Maglor shook his head, bemused at the thought, then looked down at his wife. "I can't believe you told my mother the news before you told me."

"I didn't. She discovered the truth on her own." Aurel saw the puzzled look in her husband's eyes and explained, "Your mother is clever – and observant. She often helps me with the laundry, and noticed I was no longer washing out my moon cloths."

"Moon cloths?"

"Six brothers, and no sisters… I suppose it's not surprising you've forgotten about those," Aurel said with a soft laugh. "A woman who is not pregnant bleeds once a month, love. She'd noticed I wasn't. Anyway, when she confronted me about it, I saw no reason to deny it. In truth, I wanted her advice."

"Well, that's understandable. After bearing the seven of us, I suppose there's little about pregnancy my mother doesn't know –"

Aurel's voice suddenly became quiet. "Not about that, Káno. I wanted to ask her whether I should tell you anything. You see, she discovered my secret when I was considering leaving you."

"And what did she say?" Maglor forced himself to ask. Had things gone differently, I might never have known my child!

"She told me that a child needs to know both its parents, and that you would have to be told eventually, no matter what I decided. That if I did choose to leave, I need not share the pregnancy itself with you, but in time I would have to share the son or daughter that would come of it." Aurel sighed, and rested her head on Maglor's shoulder. "Fortunately that is no longer a decision I need to worry about making. I'm not going anywhere, Káno."

Maglor held his wife tight for a long, quiet moment while he silently shuddered at the realization of how close he had come in his misplaced anger to losing everything. If he had not listened to Olórin that day, if he had gone to Lórien instead of returning home, if Aurel had not forgiven him… "You cannot know how grateful I am for that, Aurel," he finally told her, meaning every word. "I want you – and our child – in my life. Our child… Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Yes."

Maglor looked down at Aurel's face, and knew that she was teasing him, and laughed. "I did set myself up for that one. Let me ask again. Can you tell the sex of the little one you are carrying? Not that it matters in the slightest, of course –"

She shook her head. "I've heard that some women can tell. Your mother said she knew that you and your brothers were male while she was carrying each of you, but then given how wild and bold the seven of you turned out, it would have been difficult, I imagine, to mistake any of you for females. But our child… no, I cannot tell for certain. Although to me the touch of its fëa feels very like yours; perhaps that means it is a boy? In any case, we will know in seven months."

"Seven months! You mean you are already five months along? But that would mean our child was conceived almost as soon as we were reunited, Aurel." Maglor was stunned, and more than a little hurt, to realize his wife had concealed the truth from him for such a long time.

"Not 'almost,' Káno. You got this child on me at the riverbank that day when your brother tricked you into lying with me. When I coupled with you then, I was willing my body to conceive if Ilúvatar would permit it," Aurel told him.

"Why then? Why that way? When you first lay with me that day, I didn't even know who you were! Why did you not wait to conceive our child until after my memory of you was restored, when I could participate more actively in the process and –"

"You did participate as actively as was necessary; my current physical state is ample proof of that," Aurel said, placing a finger across her husband's lips in a gesture bidding him to be silent. "As for the timing… let me explain before you judge me too harshly. Káno, I know you will disagree with this, but the worst mistake I ever made in my life was not following you across the sea. My cowardice – and that is what it was, cowardice, make no mistake about that – cost me not only you, which was terrible enough, but also any hope of a family. Year after agonizing year I waited for your return, barren, my womb aching, while all around me others were fruitful. And then return you did – but not as my husband, for you did not even recognize me. When I climbed onto you that afternoon, it was without knowing whether we would ever make love again afterwards. I hoped our union would restore your memories of me, but I could not know for certain. And so I willed my body to conceive so that if your memories were not in fact restored by our lovemaking, and our marriage was thus effectively ended, I would depart with something more than just sweet memories to remember you by. It was selfish, I know."

"Yes, it was. Very selfish," Maglor answered softly. "And very understandable. I certainly cannot begrudge you that, Aurel. But why wait so long to tell me?"

"At first, I waited to be certain. A new child's fëa is so small it can barely be felt, Káno; it wasn't until I skipped my first two moon flows that I could be completely sure that I had indeed conceived on that day, as I had suspected I had. But by then you were already growing so angry and short-tempered and resentful… I was not going to raise a child in such an atmosphere. I waited then because I needed to see if things were ever going to change; if they had not, I would have left and borne our child alone, and waited until our child was of age before informing you of your fatherhood. Believe me, love, I am very, very glad it did not come to that! I want you with me through this; I am looking forward to holding our baby, but not to the actual process of bearing it…"

"Like you, Aurel, I am not going anywhere," Maglor reassured her. "I am not sure what help I can actually offer you apart from simply being here –"

"That will be enough," Aurel said, smiling. "It will make more difference than you can know, love. Oh – there is one more thing you can do."

"And that would be?"

"Talk to your grandfather. We're going to need him to fashion a cradle."

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Chapter End Notes

Káno – A shortened form of Maglor's Quenya father-name Kanafinwë.

Fëa – "Soul"