Golden Days by Lyra

Chapter 18

Nerdanel finally gets to take her exam.

Chapter 18

I could have kicked him. Just when my examiners had finally stopped discussing whether I was even allowed to be there, just when the exam had finally been about to begin, he had to start it all over again. I understood that he meant to be helpful. But at this point, I was willing to endure Master Alcaráco's injustice if only I could get the examination over at last. Instead, another round of arguments would surely begin, and I was not at all certain that it would help my case.
Master Alcaráco was also dissatisfied with Prince Fëanáro's interference, and unlike me, he didn't keep his annoyance to himself. „Preposterous!“ he thundered. „I have more place on this board than young Nerdanel has to be examined!“
Master Ercoirë clucked his tongue. „Calm yourself, Alcaráco,“ he said. His brow was creasing in a worried frown as he looked from his colleague to me, but his voice was still even. „I agree that this is most unusual, but Prince Curufinwë has made a formal petition, and we must look into it.“ He now turned to Aulë. „Mustn't we?“
„Indeed,“ Aulë sighed. To my surprise, I felt something like pity for the powerful Vala. He had clearly been looking forward to this exam. Unlike the Masters, he seemed to find the idea of a very young master craftswoman exciting. Instead, he was getting endless boring arguments. Then I decided that I was indeed being preposterous. Who was I to pity Aulë?
Meanwhile, the argument went on. „Very well, Fëanáro. You must be aware that you are making a very serious request. What are your reasons?“

Prince Fëanáro answered promptly. „Examiners are supposed to be neutral and have no close personal tie – friendly or otherwise – to the examinee. That is why Master Mahtan and Master Carnildo are not allowed to examine Nerdanel, isn't it? Master Alcaráco also lacks neutrality. He is biased, and must therefore be removed from the board of examiners.“
Master Ercoirë exchanged a glance with Aulë. „Alcaráco has volunteered to be a chief examiner today. Are you saying that he has a personal interest in the outcome of this examination?“
„Not merely in the outcome,“ Prince Fëanáro said, his voice flat. „He has a personal interest in the entire process of the examination. As you must be aware, Master Alcaráco and Nerdanel both made a sculpture for my father in a contest that... the queen devised.“ Poor Queen Indis, I thought. Now she was getting dragged into this, too. And she had felt so guilty about the whole contest, anyway.
Prince Fëanáro did not sound the least bit sorry. „As you should know, Nerdanel crafted an extraordinary, truly inspired sculpture. In truth, she should have been crowned the winner.“ I could hear the audience begin to mutter behind my back. Ahead of me, the masters exchanged glances and quietly talked among themselves. There were quite a few raised eyebrows and a couple of surprised expressions. Relentlessly, Prince Fëanáro pushed on, his voice now dripping with disdain. „Father felt that the social peace of the Noldor would be shaken if he acknowledged that an apprentice had bested a master. So he compromised on a draw. But I say: If the social peace of the Noldor rests upon injustice, then it deserves – nay, requires! - to be shaken. However, that is not today our concern. Our concern is that Master Alcaráco, two weeks ago, lost a friendly contest against Nerdanel. You should know that he did not loose gracefully – or gracefully accept the draw, if you want to stick with Father's version. And today he is sitting at the examiners' table, trying to stop Nerdanel's examination from even happening. Friends, masters, Lord Aulë: Do you truly believe this to be a coincidence? Do you not agree that Master Alcaráco is biased, and therefore unfit to be an examiner today?“

It was hard to tell who had flushed more, myself or Master Alcaráco. My cheeks were burning, and I was certain that they must be as brilliantly red as those of my rival, who had grown increasingly restless while Prince Fëanáro had spoken. Not that he was the only one who was shaken; the hum of whispered conversation had faded, and a deadly silence rang around Aulë's court when the prince had finished his speech.
Master Yánanto was the first to break it. „I did not know that,“ he said. „Alcaráco, is it true?“
Master Alcaráco turned around, but did not answer. „Is it true, Nerdanel?“ Master Yánanto's eyes now turned unto me.
I got to my feet very slowly. I could feel the eyes on my back with almost physical force, weighing me down. But I got to my feet. Master Alcaráco met my anxious gaze, and I noticed with a start that the anger had gone from his fce. Instead, his eyes had gone stony and lifeless, like the eyes of a sculpture, lacking all light and joy. He was waiting for my words to condemn him, and he knew that he could not stop me. So far, I had feared him; but now, suddenly, he was afraid of me. Maybe I should have enjoyed the realisation, but I couldn't.
„I... I do not wish to answer this question,“ I heard myself say.
„Why not?“ Master Ercoirë immediately shot back. Fair enough; it was an examination, and I was present to answer questions, although these should have been about my craft, not about personal matters.
I looked to Aulë, appealing to him with my eyes and in thought; but he looked entirely nonplussed, as though he couldn't quite follow. He never had to compete against anybody, I realised, he does not understand the mindset of a competitor. Maybe he does not understand grudges, either. He is not like us. My head felt dizzy.
„Why not?“ Master Ercoirë asked again.

I bit my lips, but there was really no avoiding the question. „Because... because I do not want to make enemies,“ I said. „And because I for my part do not wish to shake the peace of the Noldor. It was a friendly competition, and the outcome of no great consequence. It should never have turned ugly.“ I sat back down.
„But it did?“ Master Ercoirë said, raising an eyebrow and looking from me to Master Alcaráco, then to Aulë. „Lord Aulë, you should have informed us!“
Aulë spread his hands in exasperation. „I was not aware of a problem. As Nerdanel says, the competition was of no consequence. It came about because I had assigned to Nerdanel an exam piece that also happened to be a commission by Finwë, which Alcaráco wished to work on. All got what they wanted. If anything, Alcaráco can attest to Nerdanel's extraordinary talent. His choice appeared wise to me, until now. Alcaráco, you must answer. Do you wish Nerdanel ill?“
Master Alcaráco got to his feet more quickly than I expected. „I only wish to do what is best for our craft!“ he protested.
The master sculptor who had earlier suggested to test my character rose, and took a few steps forward. „In that case, you will surely see that it is best if you step down from the examiners' table. Whatever the truth, too much is confused and obscure about this matter, and coming to the heart of it will take more time than most of us care to invest, I daresay. If my learned brethren agree, then I shall take your place. You will not object to that, will you? I assure you that I, too, care what is best for our craft.“
„Agreed,“ one or two masters said, while others simply nodded their agreement or shrugged their shoulders to signal indifference.
„Very well,“ Master Alcaráco said. His voice sounded flat and hollow. „Very well. Yes, of course. Only the best for the craft. My lord Aulë, if you permit, I wish to resign from the board of examiners on this occasion. I nominate Quantuvar to take my place.“
„Yes. Yes, thank you, Alcaráco,“ Aulë said with relief in his voice. „And thank you, Quantuvar.“
Of course, I thought, furious at myself for not recognising Master Quantuvar. I never had anything to do with him, but I knew his name and should have known his face. He was leading among those craftsmen who created practical structures, like pillars and arches and fountains, rather than decorative sculptures. He was an authority. He would not be easy to impress.

Master Alcaráco went past me as he left the table, presumably to join the audience; but he neither looked at me nor said a word. Master Quantuvar meanwhile strode from the back to the center of the arena, sitting down with a little flourish and flexing his fingers as if about to grasp his tools and start to work. „Right,“ he said. „Here we go. Can we begin?“
„I certainly hope so,“ Aulë said, and with a heavy sigh. „If there be yet more reasons why this examination should not take place, let them be voiced now.“
I held my breath and clenched my hands, praying that nothing else would come up. My prayers were answered. Even Prince Fëanáro seemed to be done shaking the peace of the Noldor, or at any rate interrupting my examination, for the time being.
„Good!“ Aulë said, clapping his hands. „Excellent. We may begin.“
I could see a brief smile on Master Ercoirë's face as he leaned back. „Very well. Nerdanel, kindly name the most important tools used in stone sculpting, as well as the proper care and maintenance thereof.“

After the embarrassment and frustration of the preceeding argument, the examination was an almost pleasant experience. I suspected that the masters felt the same: They asked only benevolent questions. Many of them were simple to answer, and whenever a question was a little more complicated, they rewarded my response with a smile. My mind was also cooperative, providing the necessary information promptly. My tongue didn't get tied and my voice didn't fail. Even when Master Ercoirë asked a question that I had been worried about, concerning my artistic vision, I managed to answer with ease. At home, I hadn't been sure how to deal with that question, but now I remembered how I had told King Finwë that art should always contain an element of surprise, and simply repeated that. I clarified what I meant by naming examples from Father's and my chief examiners' work, and saw quite a few satisfied nods among the observing masters. I was beginning to feel at ease so much that when Master Quantuvar asked how I would organise a new apprentice's very first lesson, I dared to quip that „As you know, I will not be training any apprentices for a long while yet...“, which earned me some stern looks but also some chuckles. Naturally, I then answered the question properly. It was not hard; after all, I knew how Father introduced beginners to sculpting – he had even explained to me why he did it in this manner. So I simply described the lessons given to new apprentices in Father's household along with Father's own explanations. In short, all was going really well.

And then Master Ercoirë said, „Finally, we would like to ask you for an expertise.“
I had completely forgotten about that dreaded task. Now my breath caught in my throat, and my stomach twisted as though I had swallowed a heavy stone. One of the recording Maiar removed the canvas sheet that had covered the strange, pole-like structure, and I saw the chosen sculpture clearly, and I was utterly, entirely stumped.
It was made from very pale wood that had been made to turn and twist in some strange (if elegant) manner: three slim beams rising from a common base and curving around each other, almost like flames from a fire. At the same time, there was nothing fire-like about their shape, it was just their arrangement that distantly reminded me of dancing flames. Or were the bright spots upon the almost white wood supposed to signify sparks? Was I on to something after all?
„Um,“ I heard myself say. „May I take a closer look?“
„By all means,“ said Master Quantuvar, and I could hear that he didn't know what to make of the strange sculpture, either. That was some small consolation.

As I made my way over, I glanced sideways at the other masters. Quite a lot of frowns. I was destroying whatever good impression I had made so far, I was sure. From up close, the sculpture was no less puzzling. Aesthetically, I found it quite pleasing, but I could not make head or tail of it. Abstract art was always difficult to understand, of course, but this didn't even seem to follow the usual rules. I thought feverishly. No, it didn't seem to be about fire. The dark spots, I could now see, were dark purple pearls and black, polished pebbles that had been set into the wood in places where knotholes provided a natural framing. Gold leaf had been applied thinly around these inlays, but no other additions had been made to the wood. It seemed that the artist respected the material as it was, merely seeking to enhance its natural beauty. Maybe that was a starting point.

„If there is nothing you can think of,“ Master Quantuvar said, not unkindly, „I think we can wrap this up.“
„No, wait!“ I protested. „Give me a moment to order my thoughts. I will begin forthwith.“
Master Quantuvar glanced around, his eyebrows raised. I could see the same expression on various other faces, and wasn't certain whether it was scepticism or annoyance.
I continued my study of the alien object. If the artist didn't want to change the natural state of the material, then why had the wood been excorticated in the first place? Why had it been twisted like it was, a process which must have required great force? Why had it been worn to a peculiar smoothness in what must have taken hours of sanding? And its whiteness – it must have been achieved with bleaching. I could think of no wood that was so perfectly pale by itself. I leaned in even closer to sniff the wood – maybe I could discern the chemicals that had been used. All I could smell was salt. Salt brine, then? And... something like fish?

They eat raw fish, I heard in my memory, and, they make fine driftwood statues. That must be it, I thought. Joy threatened to make me giddy, and I had to take a deep breath to steady myself.
„This excellent example of a Telerin driftwood sculpture,“ I then announced, „perfectly expresses the eternal dichotomy of the Telerin heart: On the one hand, the longing for a safe harbour,“ I pointed at the firm base of the sculpture, „and on the other hand, the yearning for the width and freedom of the sea.“ My hands mimicked the uprising shape of the twisted beams. I could not know whether I was on the right track, but the words simply came, as if I had tapped the feelings of the artist that she – I was certain that it was a woman, not a young girl like me but an old, seasoned female artist – had poured into her work. I could not know that I was right – maybe I was simply imagining things – but it certainly felt as though I had unlocked the sculpture's secret.
I decided to trust that feeling. „The artist has used materials that are commonly found on the beaches of Alqualondë, such as bleached driftwood and pebbles worn smooth by the sea: Simple, mundane objects that have some aesthetic value by themselves, enhanced by their inspired arrangement. Few changes have been made to the natural state of the materials as they were found. They not only symbolise a life governed by the tides, they represent it by their very nature. In contrast, the more costly materials of pearl and gold leaf have been used to signify the light of the two Trees as it kisses the waves: rare and distant, made all the more precious by the shadow of the Pelóri. The vertical arrangement of the wood recalls many ideas: circling fish, flying seagulls, rising waves, hands opened in prayer, dancing children and other organic shapes. As such, it masterfully combines the everyday experiences of the artist with the higher theme underlying Telerin culture, the love of the sea and the love of light.“ Suddenly, I felt an almost violent longing to go to Alqualondë, to see these things that I had not thought about before: to taste the salty spray on my lips, to hear the waves crash and the gulls shriek. In fact, my mind was already there; although I knew that I was standing in Aulë's court, around me I no longer saw my examiners, but a white, pearl-strewn beach where the sea washed the feet of the Encircling Mountains, rising and falling with the tide, swirling around unseen rocks underneath the surface, white foam on the water lit by the beams that made it through the Valacirya. It was beautiful, and at the same time unsettling. The only thing that still linked me to reality was the sculpture. I could no longer think or speak; my words faltered.

I did not know how much time I spent simply standing in front of the sculpture. Eventually, Master Ercoirë cleared his throat. „Very well. Thank you. You are familiar with the artist and her work?“
The vision disappeared, leaving me empty and a little sad. I shivered. „No,“ I answered truthfully. „I've never seen anything like it before today.“ I took a step back from the sculpture, afraid that it might abduct my mind again.
„Hm,“ said Master Ercoirë, sounding doubtful. „Very well. That will do, I believe.“
„Will you tell me the name of the artist?“ I asked. I felt that after this glimpse into her mind, her life, I would need to visit her in person. Knowing her name would help.
Master Ercoirë frowned down at his notes. „Volabrandë,“ he said. „And the sculpture is named 'Heart's Dance'.“ He raised his head and looked around, his eyebrows waggling meaningfully.
„Any further questions?“ Master Quantuvar asked after a moment, also looking around at the other masters. Heads were shaken, lips formed the words „No“. People relaxed, shifted in their seats, leaned towards their neighbours to exchange opinions. The serious mood of the examination was already lifting. Aulë was smiling at nobody in particular.
„Then, my lord Aulë, learned brethren, dear observers, we are done,“ Master Quantuvar said.

Somebody in the audience began to applaud, and soon everybody was clapping their hands – everybody but me. I let the noise wash over me, embarrassing and satisfying at once, shattering the iron focus that had up to now held my mind in its grip. Suddenly, I realised how hungry I was. The morning's rice pudding seemed to be days away. The entire exam seemed to have lasted weeks, but Laurelin was still very bright: It was only early afternoon.
Aulë let the applause continue for a bit longer before he raised his hands again. „We have not yet decided whether the examinee today has passed her exam,“ he announced. „A mere formality, of course, but it must be done. Those in favour of bestowing upon Nerdanel the title of Master Sculptress, please rise.“
My heart fluttered a little, nervous that my answers had not after all been as clever as I'd felt – or that too many masters would side with Master Alcaráco. But I saw nobody that remained seated, and when Aulë asked that everybody against making me a master sculptress rise, I could see none that stood.
Aulë smiled. „It seems that we do not need to count votes,“ he said. „Congratulations, Mistress Nerdanel.“
„Congratulations,“ echoed Master Ercoirë, giving me a generous smile.
„Well done,“ Master Quantuvar said with a nod.

I knelt to receive Aulë's blessing, then waited while the other masters – no, my fellow masters! - stood in line to shake my hand and clasp my shoulder. The audience was draining away. Queen Indis waved, smiling, before ascending the stairs. My parents and their apprentices had already gone, hurrying home – no doubt in order to prepare the 'surprise party' we always had when an apprentice became a master, although it would hardly be a surprise for me, having grown up with the tradition. I shook hands, smiled and said my thanks mechanically. My shoulder was beginning to ache, but I was happy that the master craftspeople were now considering me worthy of the usual rites. It made me eager to prove that I wasn't some delicate girl, that I really deserved to be one of the master craftswomen of the Noldor. Not all of the masters sounded altogether thrilled to welcome me in their honourable midst, but at least they appeared to be willing to accept that I had passed the exam, and therefore become one of them.
Except for Master Alcaráco, of course. He was nowhere to be seen. But then, I hadn't expected him to congratulate me. I didn't even know whether he had stayed around to watch my examination after he was no longer a part of it. I didn't exactly mourn his absence. Maybe we'd be able to reconcile one day, but it clearly wasn't going to be today.
When finally everybody was done and I was ready to return home, Aulë approached me once more. „Congratulations again, Nerdanel,“ he said, „and an apology. I had not realised that Alcaráco did not want you to receive your just reward. I would have excluded him from the examination myself if I had known.“
What could I say? That one should have guessed? That it had been obvious? That was hardly appropriate, especially if it was true that Aulë didn't understand grudges or rivalry. I went for a diplomatic, „It all went well, Lord Aulë. So you needn't apologise.“
„I do,“ Aulë said earnestly. „We all must apologise when we make a mistake.“
I had to smile. There was something almost childlike in the Vala's honest, worried expression. „That is true. Then I accept your apology, my lord.“
„I am glad,“ Aulë said, now echoing my smile. „And yes, it went well. Alcaráco even seems to have done you a favour with that Telerin sculpture.“
„I doubt he intended to,“ I said, „but yes, he did.“

One should think that I'd had enough time to come to terms with my newly-earned dignity, but the fact of it only really sank in as I left Aulë's court. Absurdly, it made me silly rather than more mature. With every step – growing increasingly springy - the corners of my mouth crept further upwards. When I reached the pasture where my horse was waiting for me, I was grinning like Sarnië grinned when facing a bowl of sweet berries. The exam was over! I had passed! I was Mistress Nerdanel now, at least as far as sculpting was concerned! A world of commissions and excitement lay ahead, and nobody could stop me from exploring it!
My horse wasn't waiting alone. There was a second horse grazing not far from it, and its rider was sitting nearby underneath a tree, reading a book. I knew who it would be even before I could see him clearly. A certain raven-haired shaker of the peace. I was too happy to be annoyed – yet.
As I made my way to my steed, he shut the book and rose, walking over to meet me. I still couldn't get the absurd grin from my face. „Prince Fëanáro.“
„Mistress Nerdanel,“ he retorted, grinning also. „You are happy. You deserve it. Congratulations!“
„Thank you,“ I said.
„You are welcome. May I embrace you?“
„If you must,“ I said. I didn't particularly care for an embrace from him, but on this day, I couldn't muster enough hostility to tell him off. And when Prince Fëanáro promptly wrapped me in his arms, I discovered that I didn't actually mind. In fact, it was rather nice. He had a firm, warm, strong body that it felt good to lean against. If I was entirely honest with myself, I wouldn't mind doing it more often. At the very thought, I felt a flare of warmth between my legs. All right, I was enjoying this altogether too much! I stiffened in his arms.
„That's rather enough,“ I said. The urge to grin had finally worn off. My hands, which had somehow snaked around Prince Fëanáro's hips, now moved to his chest and pushed him away.
He let go at once, taking a step back and raising his hands appeasingly. Unlike me, he was still looking cheerful. „Sorry, Mistress Nerdanel. I forgot myself.“
„I noticed,“ I said, turning away and climbing onto my horse. „No harm done, but don't do it again.“

He tilted his head. His face was really far too handsome, especially with that rakish grin. The shadows were lengthening, the light growing more gentle; Laurelin was beginning to fade, but Telperion had not yet kindled. Birds were chirping. The meadow was full of golden light and flowering grasses and drifting dandelion seeds. My body was already missing the embrace that I had escaped. He had smelled nice, too – not in a perfumed way, just clean and summery.
„Really?“ he asked as if he had read my thoughts. The softening light was reflected on his sleek hair, golden against the black. As usual, he had left one streak to hang freely. That sight – that reminder of his mockery - finally drove away the longing, replacing it with anger.
„Really,“ I said coldly. „Thank you for your felicitations, but I will take my leave now. I am eager to return home.“
He was still smiling. Perhaps he thought I was joking. „Of course. Let me accompany you.“
„No, thank you. Don't trouble yourself. There's no need for a detour on my account.“
The smile grew even brighter. „But it's not a detour! We're taking the same road after all.“
„Don't be absurd. There's a shorter road to Tirion, and you know it.“
„But I am not returning to Tirion,“ said Prince Fëanáro, still pretending not to notice my displeasure. „Master Mahtan has promised to take me on as an apprentice as soon as one of his old apprentices becomes a master. That's happened today.“
I blinked, hard. A sour taste was rising in my mouth. „But – that's not! I'm not-“ I stopped and waited until I had calmed enough to speak. „I'm not just an apprentice! I'm his daughter!“
„And you were his apprentice.“
„But I am not leaving his household! That is what he meant, that one apprentice needs to leave his household before there's room for you!“
The smile was beginning to fade. At last. „If you permit, I will discuss that with Master Mahtan in person,“ Prince Fëanáro said.
Snorting, I made my horse trot towards the road. „I can't stop you.“
He was walking next to my horse, staring up at me. „But you would if you could?“

I found his keen stare disconcerting, and looked away. Prince Fëanáro waited until his horse had caught up with him, then sprang onto its back and fell into pace next to me. „What have I done to you, Nerdanel?“ he asked in a plaintive tone. „I thought we were friends.“
One might almost believe that he meant it. In fact, he really sounded surprisingly sincere – sincere enough to make me think about his complaint.
What had he done to me? Made fun of me. Annoyed me. Refused to leave me alone. Behaved rudely to Queen Indis and to his siblings in my presence. Used me to endear himself to Father. Interfered with my examination. Intoxicated me with his embrace and his pretty face. The list went on and on. Yet I had to admit to myself that nothing on it was bad enough to justify standing in the way of his future as a craftsman. In fact, my resistance was beginning to look much like Master Alcaráco's behaviour. My face burned at that realisation, and my anger bled away. Friends or not, I was going too far.
„I don't know,“ I admitted. It wasn't the whole truth, but it was easier for today, maybe forever. „I suppose I'm exhausted and peevish. It was all a bit much. I'm sorry.“
I was surprised by the warmth in his voice. „I understand. Anybody would be exhausted after such a day. Allow me to accompany you home. I promise that if Master Mahtan tells me that he has no room for me yet, I will go home tomorrow. But I want to hear it from him personally.“
„Yes,“ I sighed. „Fair enough. They'll probably have prepared a little party. You can come along.“