Golden Days by Lyra

Chapter 19

In fact, it turned out to be more than just a little party. As we rode towards the house, I could hear musicians tuning their instruments. Then I noticed a flash of movement at our gate, and saw Roitariel run through the front garden, probably to inform the others that I was finally arriving.
„Go ahead,“ Prince Fëanáro said. „This is your day. I'll join you later.“
I almost replied that he didn't have to join me at all, but I managed to keep that uncivil thought to myself. At least he was showing a little consideration and sparing me from being seen alone with him. At any rate, there was no time for arguments because I could see people coming out of our house now, gathering in the road. I rode towards them and felt my lips spread in a broad grin again.

„Welcome home, Mistress Nerdanel!“ my parents' entire household shouted, all of them – even Father and Mother! They were scaring the horse, so I got off and lead it the last bit of the way. Some of the younger apprentices rushed towards me, while Mother managed to hold back my sisters for long enough that I could hand over the reins to Helyanwë, who dragged the poor horse into safety. I noticed that Alcarincë was nowhere to be seen. His absence struck me harder than I would have expected. It was only natural that he would be resentful after his father's humiliation, but somehow I had hoped that he would be able to forgive me. I had obviously been wrong.
But I couldn't dwell on that for long, as I now found myself wrapped by too many arms at once. Everybody was cheering and calling my name. I could hear Sarnië's happy little voice sing „Nerdanel's the smartest, Nerdanel's the best!“ over the general din. My parents were watching, their eyes shining with pride. My chest felt like too small a vessel to contain all that joy, my own and theirs: My heart was about to overflow through my eyes. I blinked away sudden tears.

Father waited until the apprentices and Erenwen had let go of me, but not a second longer; now it was his turn to hug me tight. „Congratulations, dearest,“ he said. „I hope I may still call you that, in spite of your newly-earned dignity!“
„Of course, Father!“ I leaned against his shoulder, the unfamiliar fabric of his formal robes, and got my hair tangled in his fox brooch. Mother had to help freeing my braid from the wire.
„So much for dignity,“ Helyanwë said dryly; he had returned from the stable just in time to witness the spectacle. I stuck out my tongue, ruining whatever vestige of dignity I had left.
„Ts!“ Father said in a mock-stern voice. „Don't make me think Alcaráco was right!“ Even though I knew he was joking, his words made me flinch.
„Mahtan,“ reprimanded Mother. „You're making her feel bad.“
„Nerdanel knows that I am only joking,“ Father said, sounding a little guilty. „Although I wish she'd told us. Nerdanel, really, I could have prevented Alcaráco from becoming your chief examiner in the first place, if only I had known! Why didn't you tell us that he was giving you trouble? Why didn't you tell us you'd won?“
The familiar heat of embarrassment spread on my cheeks. „I hadn't! It was a draw.“
„That's not the story we heard today!“ Helyanwë said, ignoring the glare I shot at him.
„Didn't you trust us?“ Father went on. „You could have told us the truth.“
„I thought the problem would solve itself, given some time,“ I said. „I didn't want you to worry. And think how hard it would have been on Alcyo.“
„You could have told us in private. We could have helped you,“ Father said, his tone so hurt that I could no longer meet his eyes. The happy feeling was draining from my heart.
Mother came to my rescue. „Now's not the time for that,“ she said. „Come, child, let me congratulate you also. You've done so well today, and I'm endlessly proud of you!“ She pulled me close. I relaxed into her embrace, closing my eyes. Sarnië started singing „Nerdanel's the smartest, Nerdanel's the best!“ again, and Mother and I both began to laugh. „We've prepared a little surprise for you,“ Mother said when we were done.

I let my eyes and mouth fall wide open in an exaggerated demonstration of surprise. „No!“ I exclaimed. „Really? I never!“
Erenwen chimed in, „We've decided not to host a party for you...“
My surprise began to feel a little more real.
„... because we thought that would be too predictable.“
I felt my brow crease in confusion. „No party?“ I was genuinely disappointed for a moment, but then I remembered the musicians I'd been hearing as I'd approached our house. „Then why can I hear a fiddle and a flute?“
„We've prepared a ball!“ Erenwen hollered happily. „Hah, fooled you!“
„For a second,“ I defended myself. „I don't think I have much intellectual capacity left today.“
„Well, let's start celebrating,“ Mother kindly interfered. „You have yet to see what we've prepared for you.“

In the short time they'd had, my parents and their apprentices had transformed our garden into a lantern-lit dancing lawn. Next to my friends, the apprentices also had invited their friends and siblings. Master Carnildo had also come with his family and apprentices, so there were quite a lot of people. There was a make-shift stage for the trio of musicians, who played an abbreviated version of Rúmil's Song of the Trees when I entered the garden on Father's hand like a bride is led to her wedding. My face grew hot, but it was a happy sort of embarassment. The tune ended, Father let go of my hand, and everybody applauded. I curtsied, brushed my dishevelled braids out of my face, looked around in delight. Everything was so festive and beautiful, from the colourful paper lanterns in the trees and on the walls to the iron fire baskets in the corners and the work-benches that had been lugged outside and packed full of delicious-looking snacks! At their sight, my stomach rumbled, and I was tempted to raid the buffet right away before I remembered my duties. Sure enough, I was standing in an expectant circle of guests.
I swallowed and smiled even more. „Thank you so much,“ I said with every ounce of feeling in my heart. „Thank you for preparing this, and thank you for being here. I'm sorry I can't be more elaborate, I'm just so overwhelmed. But please accept my deepest gratitude! I hope you'll all have as wonderful an evening as I'm planning on having!“
„Hear, hear!“ Helyanwë called, sidling towards the food.
„I've made a song for you!“ cried Sarnië, climbing onto a chair and singing again, at the top of her voice „Nerdanel's the smartest, Nerdanel's the best! Nerdanel's the greatest, she has passed the test!“ She repeated it over and over until the musicians picked up the simple tune. People started to clap along. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. Instead, I lifted Sarnië up and whirled her around in a circle, which made her stop singing and cry „Wheeeee!“ instead.
„Thank you so much, my lovely little pebble*,“ I told Sarnië. „It's a lovely little song.“

The snacks were delicious, and I stuffed myself happily. My previously so nervous stomach was now happy to be filled with mustard eggs and meatballs and baked tomatoes and goat's cheese and fried bean curd and toasted bread with oil and salt. Father put a glass of wine in my hand and explained, a little teary-eyed, that they'd stored a few bottles of wine when I was born to open on special occasions, and today was such an occasion. I felt my own eyes well up, and hastily clinked glasses with Father, Mother and Erenwen. The wine wasn't quite to my taste, and stronger than I was used to – we normally diluted and sweetened the wine we drank with our dinner – but I knew that it was a precious gift, and tried to enjoy it. Erenwen made a face, so I guessed she didn't like it much either, but she, too, understood that this was a momentous libation, and didn't say anything. She did poke her elbow in my side when we noticed that our parents were staring at each other with a lovestruck, far-away look on their faces, seemingly oblivious to us for a second. Who knows what the wine meant to them! Erenwen and I barely kept from giggling. I took another sip, feeling the warmth run down my throat and into my belly while laughter wanted to bubble up. I wondered whether the wine was strong enough to make me drunk in so few sips, then decided that it didn't matter much. The exam was over, so I could as well be a little irresponsible.

While I had been eating, the dancing had already begun. For a while, I was happy to watch and nurse my wine. Erenwen had poured the remaining contents of her glass into mine, more eager to dance than to finish the old vintage. The musicians were doing a good job, playing popular tunes, and people appeared to be enjoying themselves. Those who weren't dancing were clapping their hands, or eating and drinking, or talking. I chatted with Númiel and Oricondë while they paused for a breath and a drink. They brought out a toast to my successful examination, and I spoke one to the fruitful course of their own studies. The taste of the wine was beginning to grow on me. I glanced around to see where Father and the bottle had gone. He was standing near the back door of our house. Prince Fëanáro stood next to him, apparently listening to something Father said; he didn't look as if he liked what he was hearing. I couldn't help smirking a bit, and quickly looked back to the lawn, where Erenwen and Helyanwë were twirling and laughing. Erenwen seemed to be more than just a little tipsy, so I prepared a glass of lemonade for her. When the music ended, I pushed it into her hands, and she downed it all in one go. „Thank you!“ she declared, out of breath. I was relieved to hear that her speech was not slurred. „I don't know about you, but that wine made me thirstier rather than the opposite,“ Erenwen declared. She wrinkled her nose. „Did you like it?“
„I like the idea behind it,“ I said, and Erenwen laughed. „That's a nice way of putting it!“
Helyanwë raised an eyebrow. „If you're done drinking the idea of wine, would you grant me the honour of a dance, Mistress Nerdanel?“
„Cheeky fellow!“ I said, wagging my finger. „But yes, I believe I would.“ He made a caricature of a courtly bow, I curtsied daintily, and we joined hands and waited for the next tune to begin.

After Helyanwë, Sailatulco asked for a dance, and after him, I danced with Master Carnildo's apprentice Timosanwë. Afterwards, I needed to quench my thirst. I had forgotten that my glass contained pure wine, but was quickly reminded of that fact after taking a greedy gulp. I grimaced, then looked around guiltily, hoping that my parents hadn't seen it. No: Mother was dancing with Master Carnildo, and Father was now talking with... Alcyo? My heart lept a little. If Alcyo was joining the party, maybe he wasn't so angry after all. I apologised to Mother's apprentice Lisanto, who was dutifully asking for the next dance, waiting for my turn to speak with Alcyo. At last, I saw Father pat his shoulder and nod. I assumed that their conversation was over and began to walk towards them. Alcyo turned away from Father, looked around, and caught my eyes. I was half afraid that he would run away, but he did the opposite, walking in my direction so we met half-way.
I smiled in what I hoped was a welcoming way. „Alcyo, I'm so glad to see you.“
To my great relief, he smiled in return, although it was a rather lopsided smile. „Mistress Nerdanel. I apologise for being late, and I offer my congratulations.“ He held out his hand, which I took, and briefly pulled me into an embrace, friendly and harmless.
„Thank you,“ I said. „And I'm so sorry.“
„What for?“ Alcyo asked, his lip twisting a little.
I shrugged uncertainly. „For the whole business with your father. I didn't want any of that. I really didn't. So I'm sorry. I don't know if he can forgive me, but I hope you can.“

Alcyo was silent for a while, apparently lost in thought. The music ended once more. People came off the lawn, new couples took positions for the next dance. Alcyo gave another lopsided smile and bowed. „Do me the honour?“
I blinked. „Yes, certainly,“ I said, curtsying and taking his proffered hand. As the next tune began and we stepped along, Alcyo said, „Everybody seems to expect that I will side with Father. I don't, you know.“
We turned, placed our hands against each other, paced in a slow circle. „I wouldn't blame you if you did,“ I said.
„Well, I don't,“ said Alcyo as we changed directions. „Father is wrong. I can see that, and I have no problem acknowledging it.“
„I am sorry,“ I replied while I walked around him as the dance required. He grimaced unhappily.
„It's not your fault,“ he said, now walking around me.
„Maybe it isn't, but I'm still sorry.“ I said, taking his hand again. Step, step, turn, step, step.
„I'm sorry,“ Alcyo said, and then lapsed into silence. He only spoke again when the dance had ended. I expected him to bow and look for another partner, but he stayed where he was. „If you don't mind, I'd like another dance,“ he said. Over his shoulder, I saw Father talking to Prince Fëanáro again. This time, the prince was looking excited. I wondered what they were talking about now.
„Nerdanel?“ Alcyo asked.
I returned my attention to him. „Certainly, if you don't want to ask anyone else,“ I replied. I rarely got asked for a second dance, even by the apprentices.
Alcyo sighed. „I suppose it's my way of defying Father,“ he said. Then he gave another grin that didn't reach his eyes. „It's probably my last chance to dance with you for a long while,“ he said. „I've already told Master Mahtan. Father has forbidden me to continue my studies here.“ The grin was gone, replaced by an angry scowl. „He says he can complete my education himself if need be. He wants me to take the exam as soon as possible, of course.“
„Master Alcaráco is an accomplished craftsman,“ I said, trying to console Alcyo. „And surely you're only half a year or so away from your own examination.“

We almost missed the upbeat of the next dance, and stumbled to get back into step with the others. Once we had found our balance again, Alcyo said, „You know, I was looking forward to becoming a master craftsman soon. But now, I think I'll drag it out as long as possible – just to spite Father.“
I frowned. „Don't hurt your own purpose,“ I said.
„What else can I do?“ Alcyo said hotly. „I'm already of age, yet Father commands me around as if I were a small child, and I have no choice but to obey. I don't want to leave here. Oh, sure, Father is an accomplished craftsman. But he's not as good a teacher as your father, and let's be honest, his arrogance is disgusting. I really don't want to return into his tutelage, but since I have to, I'm going to spoil his plans of showing off his – his prodigal son.“ His lip quirked in disgust.
I was spared from answering right away because the choreography now demanded that we turn, sidestep and take the hands of the person dancing to our right, gallopping into the middle of the circle and back. Poor Alcyo, I thought. It was frustrating to be given no say in such important matters as one's studies, especially if one was technically an adult. The truth was that in spite of the great weight given to everybody's coming of age, it did not actually change all that much. The overwhelming majority of young people lived in their parents' household until they married. Despite my rebellious thoughts in front of my examiners, it was unlikely that I would leave home and set up an independent workshop anytime soon, master craftswoman or no. But then, I loved my parents and felt that they respected me. Alcyo, although he doubtlessly loved his father, was dissatisfied. All the more reason to finish his studies swiftly. Maybe he could move out and set up his own workshop then.

As I turned back to Alcyo, I told him so. „That way, you'll spend an even longer time under his tutelage when instead, you could be a craftsman in his own workshop. It may annoy your father, but it'll also prolong your suffering.“
Alcyo shrugged. „I admit it's not terribly well-thought out. Maybe I'll come up with something better. But until then, I'll just refuse to play Father's game.“ We linked arms and turned, turned, turned. There was some giggling and shrieking around us. They typically accompanied this part of the dance. You had to hold fast to your partner or you'd topple over from your own momentum, which naturally was a welcome excuse for hugging more tightly than was entirely proper, or to fall and drag your partner down with you. Among all the cheerfully rotating couples, I felt as if Alcyo and I stood out as a rock of sobriety. Well, a mill of sobriety; we were dancing after all.

We danced a third dance, and a fourth. It was nice not to stand or sit around waiting for a partner, even if I only owed my luck to Alcyo's anger at his father. I didn't feel resentful about that. I was feeling resentful towards Master Alcaráco, so I was quite happy to defy him. Alcyo and I didn't discuss the matter further – there was nothing more to say, really – but instead reminisced about the lessons we'd learned as Father's apprentices, shared funny anecdotes and joked about some of the lovey-dovey couples we could observe among the dancers. When the musicians announced that they would now rest and eat for half an hour, forcing us to stop our dance of resistance, Alcyo bent down and placed a formal kiss on my hand.
„Well, I'll have to pack my things. Father expects me home by the Mingling,“ Alcyo said, straightening and turning to leave. „I'll miss you.“
As he stepped away, Prince Fëanáro planted himself in front of me. His eyes were glinting like polished steel. „What was that about?“
I glared back. „What was what about?“
„You two dancing. Talking. Having a good time.“
„We were not having a good time. Not that it's any of your business, but Alcyo's had very bad news, and we needed to discuss them.“
His expression softened at once. „Ah. Yes. Master Mahtan already told me. One man's loss is another man's gain, of course.“
I stared at him in disgust. How could he utter such heartless sentiments about Alcyo's misery? He cheerfully continued, „I am sorry for Alcarincë, generally, but personally I can't help rejoicing that his place has become free for me.“ He smiled his winning smile at me, eyes now bright and happy. „I will stay, and take up my studies with Master Mahtan.“
„Oh,“ I replied. I hadn't thought about that. Another reason to mourn Alcyo's leaving. Dutifully, I said, „good for you. Pardon me, I need something to drink.“ I didn't wait for a reaction, instead marching to the table where I had left my glass of wine. Someone had refilled it. Good. I drank thirstily, no longer put off by the tannic acidity of the wine.

I had hoped that Prince Fëanáro would give his supposedly happy news to the other members of my parents' household and leave me in peace, but I was sorely disappointed; he merely got himself a glass of wine – the normal sort, for the guests - and then strolled over leisurely, standing beside me and holding out his glass.
„A toast?“ he asked. „To the future.“
I snorted. „My future, or yours?“ I couldn't help asking.
He had the grace of being taken aback, but his frown of confusion was quickly replaced by another winsome smile.
„I was thinking of yours; but maybe we can drink to both. I do hope the two are linked.“
„Stop that.“
„Stop what?“ His brow creased, pretending ignorance.
There was a sour taste in my mouth that had nothing to do with the wine. „I've told you before. Trying to flatter me. It's annoying, and it isn't necessary. You're overestimating my importance.“

He tilted his face so that the damned lock of hair dangled freely, black as soot and soft as strands of silk. The mere sight made my fingertips sting.
„Or maybe you are underestimating it,“ he suggested. His eyes were glinting in the shadows. The sharp outline of his nose and lips made them appear like chiselled to perfection. „After all, this is your night. You're the youngest person to become a master craftswoman on record. You're a rising star among the Noldor.“ He leaned in closer. „Besides, I find you endlessly fascinating. As your little sister said, you're the smartest, the best and...“
„I told you to stop,“ I repeated firmly. Of course I was flattered. I was also tired, tipsy, and entertaining inappropriate thoughts like what it would feel like to kiss those firm, beautiful lips. Not in any romantic way, mind you, just to understand their shape and texture! I shook my head and took a step back, just in case.
With a sigh, he drew himself upright. „As you wish,“ he said. „We can speak of other things.“
I closed my eyes in frustration. „You can speak to other people. I am in no mood for conversation.“
He gave a little snort. „Neither are other people. The musicians are taking their places again; soon everybody is going to be dancing.“
„Good. This is supposed to be a ball, after all.“ I emptied my glass. „Maybe you want to dance, too.“
His shining eyes, the colour of mist during Telperion's hours, bored into mine. Underneath their cocksure and possessive glint, I could glimpse something unexpected – was it insecurity? My foolish heart softened for a moment, the precise moment when the flute began to warble, inviting people back to the dance.
„Is that an offer?“ Prince Fëanáro said, the corners of his mouth creeping into a surprised smile. It made him look so young and hopeful! „Mistress Nerdanel, may I please ask you for a dance?“

That was not what I'd meant, and I should have said no. I should have stuck to my resolve to stay away from him. I did not want to turn into another fawning lady, and I could feel that I was already falling under his spell: In the silvery night, between the dancing flames and the many-coloured lanterns, after the wine and the celebration, while the beckoning call of the flute grew ever more intense, the thought of dancing with him made me all but tremble with excitement. And hadn't I just thought about kissing? Hadn't my fingers itched to push that sneaky strand of hair back behind his ears? If I didn't resist such thoughts tonight, it would become much harder to push them away in the future. I knew that.
On the other hand, it was a ball. It was my ball, to be precise, so I should be dancing. And surely I could forgive myself for giving in to temptation this once.
Besides, it wasn't as if this temptation was likely to ever come again. He danced with every woman exactly once, after all. So if I gave in today, that would settle the score. I would not have to resist any future attempts from him, because they wouldn't be coming anyway. How I dealt with my confusing and inappropriate feelings – should they persist in the first place – was a question I'd address at a later time.
I curtsied. „Yes, I suppose you may.“
He drew my hands to his lips for a kiss – a mere formality, but it seemed to set my skin on fire. I hoped that the gentle gloom would hide my blush as we joined the other dancers. It was nothing special, I told myself very sternly. It was just another dance with one of Father's apprentices, even if everybody acted as if dancing with Prince Fëanáro was such a wonderful thing. Well, I'd find out for myself whether they were right.
So we stood in the circle, and placed our right hands against each other, and waited for the tune to begin.

And then, we danced.

Chapter End Notes

*Sarnië literally means „pebble-bank“. Whyever Mahtan and Istarnië chose the name I leave up to your imagination.