Mereth Aderthad by chrissystriped

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Chapter Five

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Maedhros had returned to Hithlum with Nolofinwe and Findekáno, sending Makalaure ahead. There was no rush to return home — Morgoth was lying low — though he knew he’d have to eventually. But right now he wanted to spend a little more time with his lover and his friend — and maybe glower at a few elves who treated Findekáno badly.

He found Nolofinwe sitting in the library, turning a golden ring between his fingers and staring into space. Maedhros had only wanted to return a book, but now he sat down beside Nolofinwe.

“What’s wrong?”, he said gently.

“Today — at least I think so, considering the changing of our calendars — is the anniversary of my wedding.” He held the ring up between thumb and forefinger. “I haven’t worn it since the Prophecy of the North, when I realised we were well and truly sundered forever, but…” Nolofinwe met his gaze and there was pain in his eyes. “Will you hate me, if I say that I still love her?”

“No!” Maedhros reached out and squeezed his hand, suppressing a jab of jealousy. “I can’t hate you for loving the woman you married.”

He looked away, because it did hurt. Even when Nolofinwe said ‘I love you’ he was never sure how seriously he meant it.

“We have something different here”, he croaked.

Nolofinwe shook his head emphatically, moving closer to lay an arm around Maedhros’s shoulders.

“It started like that, but… I love you, too. I’m sad that Anaire stayed behind, but what hurts even more is that even if somehow we could be together again, I’d have to choose between you and her… and I couldn’t. I do not want to. I love you both equally.”

Maedhros gulped, tears coming to his eyes. It wouldn’t happen, they were exiled, but it mattered to him to hear Nolofinwe say that.

“You would go against the Valar’s ruling?”, he whispered, his voice deserting him.

“Yes. I do not think the Valar were right to force my father — or Míriel — into this decision. I would have you both, openly, if I could. But…”, he sighed, “I can’t, so it doesn’t matter what I want.”

“It matters”, Maedhros said. He wanted to pull Nolofinwe closer and kiss him, but he was keenly aware that they were sitting in a public place — he would not risk someone walking in on them again. “It means the world to me that you’re saying this. I love you, too. And I don’t want you to think that you have to hide it from me, when you’re thinking of Anaire.”

Nolofinwe shot a look at the door before kissing his cheek quickly. “Thank you. I know that can’t be easy for you.”

“She is not here”, Maedhros said. “And that’s painful for you, but for me that means I don’t have to worry about her. If she were here, we’d have to hide even harder. I always knew you were married, that is nothing new, and how could I wish you’d never met her if that would mean Findekáno would not be? I would be content to share you with her, though I’m not sure she would be. But as it won’t happen… it’s foolish to even think about it.”

“One can dream, hm?” Nolofinwe shrugged with a guilty smile. “I sometimes dream of announcing our relationship — not what we do in bed, but that we are a couple — to the world... It’s only a foolish dream of course.”

Maedhros felt his heart flutter. Yes, it was a foolish dream. The consequences… But he was happy that it was Nolofinwe’s dream.

“It’s a nice dream, even though it can’t be”, he answered. “Am I welcome tonight, even though it’s your wedding day? We don’t have to play, if you’re not in the mood — I could understand that. I’d just like to be with you.”

Nolofinwe nodded with a smile. “You are welcome. Though, yes, I don’t feel like playing today. I’d love to cuddle with you for a while.”

“Then I’ll be there to cuddle. Though I’m not sure how cuddly I am.” Maedhros looked down along his body, all sharp angles and firm muscle.

Nolofinwe’s suppressed laugh came out as a choked snort. “I’m sure we’ll make do.”

 

Nolofinwe snuggled into Maedhros’s side. He loved how much taller his prince was, how good it felt to be enveloped in his long arms. Maedhros’s fingers lazily drew circles on his shoulder as they rested together, their minds touching gently, dreaming the same memory.

“Is it hard for you?”, Nolofinwe asked softly, resurfacing from their dream after a long time. “Opening your mind to me, I mean?”

Maedhros shook his head. “It is a conscious effort to lower my guard, but I trust you. I don’t have the urge to hide myself from you.”

“I’m honoured that I have your trust”, Nolofinwe said. “And very happy that we can lie together like this. Just sharing a moment of peace… without the sex. I didn’t know I needed that, when we were still in Aman.”

“I always wanted it.” Maedhros kissed his forehead. “I didn’t dare to ask back then. But we are more than we were then, aren’t we? A couple, in some way.”

Nolofinwe could feel Maedhros’s heart speed up under his ear. “Yes”, he answered without hesitation. “We are. I love you. And…” He’d had it for a while, maybe now was the right moment to approach it. Nolofinwe reached over Maedhros’s chest to open the drawer of his bed table. “I’d like to have something permanent of you.”

He opened the box and showed Maedhros the metal rods inside. Maedhros started to laugh.

“Are those nipple piercings? For a moment I thought you’d had a ring in there.”

“Yes they are.” Nolofinwe blushed, only now realising how this might have looked from Maedhros’s point of view. “I’m sorry, if I got your hopes up.”

Maedhros shook his head. “You didn’t. I was a little scared, in fact. Marriage is… a step further than I think I could go, all things considered. I hope you don’t mind me saying that.”

“I don’t. I am already married. I mean… I’m not even sure how that would work.” Nolofinwe bit his lip nervously. He didn’t want Maedhros to feel less loved, because that wasn’t what he meant. He shook his head. “Anyway. Would you? Pierce my nipples?”

Maedhros grinned at him an circled one of them with his finger. “Yes. I’d love that.”

“Great.” Nolofinwe smiled back. “I love you”, he said again, meaning it with all his heart.

 

Nolofinwe stood at a window looking out on the plain, watching the small group of horses slowly become smaller. Letting Maedhros ride away again was hard. Their visits were so rare, they always needed an official reason as pretext to meet. He reached under his shirt, touching his sensitive nipple where it was pierced by a steel rod — at least he now had a permanent reminder of Maedhros on his body.

They’d always known they couldn’t live together, but seeing him go still hurt every time anew. He’d seen on Maedhros’s face that he felt the same, that he wished, too, they could find a place where they could stay together. But they each had their duties, it was only a fantasy. They’d have to make do with what they had and Nolofinwe was grateful for every day he’d been able to spend with him — but it was hard to feel grateful when he had to watch his lover ride away, knowing he wouldn’t see him again for years.