To Tell the Truth by chrissystriped

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To Tell the Truth

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Anaire sat on her balcony, crocheting a shawl with yarn that was almost too fine for the light breeze blowing from the east. The way the wind played with her yarn was annoying but it was too nice a day to spend it inside.

When Nolofinwe was announced, she put her project aside and looked at him. He’d been back for a few months and had visited her often in the house they’d lived in together before the Darkness. They’d talked about their children — Findekáno was alive, though Turukáno and Írisse were still in Mandos. (Anaire’s heart clenched at the thought of her daughter. She knew her daughter would not leave her son and Lómion had a lot of healing to do still.) But conversation with Nolofinwe had been rather stilted all in all, it seemed they both weren’t sure how to proceed.

Oh, he had apologised for leaving her and she’d accepted, but no word had been spoken between them, about their relationship. Anaire thought that something was holding him back and she thought, too, that it was his part to make the first step. He looked nervous now as he took a seat beside her and she wondered, if he’d come to a decision.

Apprehension made her stomach clench. Maybe she should have been more welcoming. She still loved him deeply, despite the years they’d been separated. She did want him back. She just didn’t want to make it too easy for him — for him to think she’d done nothing but languish for him while he’d been away on this doomed endeavour.

“I love you”, he said, looking at her imploringly, and Anaire felt a weight lift from her heart. “Please believe me, Anaire, that I do and always will love you, regardless of what your decision is going to be.” He took a deep breath. “I know, we’ve lived two separate lives, we’ve changed and so I want to ask for permission to court you again. Start fresh.”

She opened her mouth to say ‘yes, of course’, but he lifted his hand, to stop her.

“Before you give me an answer, you have to know something.” He held her gaze, his face serious, and Anaire knew he’d tell her of the thing she’d sensed troubling him. “There is a secret. Something I should have told you long ago.” He looked away, a flush creeping up his neck. “I… I like to kneel.” His voice was only a whisper. “I like… in a sexual context, to be bowed low, to be at the mercy of my partner… to be beaten. There are places in Tirion, where one can have needs like these fulfilled.”

Anaire stared at him. Her heartbeat was thundering in her ears. “Are you trying to tell me, that you cheated on me?”, she hissed.

“I…” He closed his eyes. “That’s not all. By chance, I met Maedhros… Maitimo in one of these places and… yes.” He looked up. “Yes, I cheated on you with Maitimo. And we fell in love.”

A wave of anger crashed over Anaire and before she knew what she was doing, she’d reached for the glass of water on the table beside her and thrown it at Nolofinwe. He ducked, shards and waterdrops showering him when the glass shattered against the wall. He stared at here wide-eyed. She wasn’t known for reacting violently in anger, but thinking of Nerdanel’s sweet little boy — who’d turned into a bloodthirsty monster on the other side of the sea, if she could believe the tales, but still…

“What have you done to Maitimo!”, she growled.

“Nothing!” Nolofinwe brushed shards of glass from his lap with trembling fingers. “It was never anything but consensual between us.”

“He’s your nephew!”, Anaire hissed. “Apart from your… your betrayal towards me! It’s forbidden! You are the elder! You should have known better!”

“Do you think I don’t know that?”, Nolofinwe shouted. “Do you think, I didn’t tell myself, I shouldn’t? But I was too much of a coward to tell you of my cravings and he knew already. He wanted it, too!”

“Out!” Anaire pointed at the door. “Get out, before I forget myself!”

Nolofinwe looked at her with hurt in his eyes — and how dare he be hurt, when he’d been the one doing wrong! — but he left without argument.

Anaire let herself sink back into her chair and breathed out slowly. Anger still simmered in her breast. She sobbed, tears running down her face. She’d thought, she knew her husband. It seemed she’d been wrong. Her heart ached with betrayal.

 

Nolofinwe almost ran into Findekáno, his sight blurred with tears, when he hastened down the stairs into the entrance hall of Anaire’s house.

“Father!” Findekáno held him by his shoulders. “What happened?”

“I… I told your mother something she didn’t wish to hear”, Nolofinwe croaked and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

Findekáno stared at him, a smile coming to his lips inexplicably. “You told her about you and Maedhros?”

Nolofinwe jumped and sputtered: “You… you know?”

“I found his letters to you.”

Nolofinwe looked away. “And… what do you think?” He was surprised, his son hadn’t confronted him with his knowledge before.

“That telling mother now was the right thing to do. I’d been wondering, if I should ask you if you intended to, but it seemed too… awkward.” Findekáno shrugged. “She has a right to know about it.”

“Yes, I know.” Nolofinwe sighed and tried to catch his son’s gaze. “But what do you think?”

“I…” Findekáno blushed. “I try not to think about it. But as I try to not think about other people having sex in general, that’s not unexpected.” He smiled wryly. “To be honest, I got used to the thought. And when I found the letters, I was so mad at you for going to your death and leaving me behind to sort out the mess that this seemed insignificant. It isn’t, but… yes, I’ve got used to the thought and I’m glad you told mother.” His son embraced him. “I love you, father, no matter what. And I wish he’d be allowed to come back to us.”

Nolofinwe held him tight. “I love you too, my brave, kind son”, he whispered. “And I’m sorry for the pain I brought you by challenging Morgoth. I was mad with grief, I didn’t see a way out.”

“I know.” Findekáno kissed his cheek. “I’m here to see mother, but maybe we could meet some evening soon, with a bottle of wine or two and… talk about him?” Findekáno’s eyes were suspiciously bright. “He was my best friend, despite all he did, and I long to talk about him with someone who doesn’t think him a monster.”

Nolofinwe leaned his forehead against his son’s. “Oh, my boy”, he whispered. “Yes, we can do that. Though two bottles will not be enough, I fear. I’ll leave you now to visit your mother. I’m afraid she’s not in the best of moods right now.”

 

Nolofinwe watched Anaire leading her horse through a sequence of complicated dressage lessons, making it look effortless. He didn’t know the horse, a well-formed black. Animals did age more slowly in Aman, but they died nonetheless and he’d been gone for a long time, he was sure she’d trained a lot of horses in the meantime.

Anaire had been a highly decorated dressage rider in her youth and although she’d stopped competing when she married him — saying it didn’t befit a married woman to take part in sports competitions — she’d continued to ride and had instructed many fine horses and young riders.

A few weeks had passed since he’d told her about Maedhros and when a note had arrived today that she wanted to see him, his heart had beat quicker. He wondered, why she’d asked him to come here of all places, but was glad that she wanted to see him.

As he watched her lead the horse with gentle but firm motions, the animal following her lead willingly even joyfully, he felt his body react. If only he could be in the horse’s place, being led by Anaire’s firm hand… he blushed. He should push those thoughts far away. Their reunion seemed further away than ever, after his confession.

Anaire finished her training and rode over to where he stood at the fence.

“Good day, Nolofinwe.”

“Good day, Anaire.” He smiled up at her. “You still ride beautifully.”

He’d noticed her at one of the competitions for the first time. They’d met before, but she’d been only a woman of many that had been introduced to him. He hadn’t thought twice of her until he’d seen her ride. The beauty and competence and the calm happiness she’d exuded had enchanted him then.

“Thank you”, she accepted his compliment with a small nod.

Nolofinwe couldn’t read her mood. She rarely showed her feelings in public. She gave the horse to a groom.

“Let’s walk”, she said and Nolofinwe offered her his arm. They strolled past the stables towards the paddocks.

“I wanted us to be out of earshot of any accidental listeners”, Anaire finally said. “Servants gossip.”

“Ah.” Nolofinwe waited for her to continue, not knowing what to say.

“I’m still angry with you”, she said with a glare in his direction. “For cheating on me and with our nephew of all people. But I’m also wondering… You said you met him by chance. You’d been visiting this place many times before?”

“Yes.” Nolofinwe admitted. “Everyone wore masks, so no one else would have known me, but he recognised me. I was always careful, I didn’t want to cause a scandal.”

“At least that.” Anaire sighed. “Was it my fault, too? That you hid this from me, I mean, and thought you had to find this pleasure with someone else. We always were of different minds as to when it is proper to have sex.”

Nolofinwe weighed his words carefully. “The fault is mine alone. I was too much of a coward to lay my cravings open to you. But I think… knowing that you wouldn’t indulge me anyway, might even judge me for it, made it easier for me to search somewhere else. Do you judge me?” He looked at her and counted it as a good sign that her hand still lay in the crook of his arm.

“I always thought you a little frivolous, you know that.” Anaire smiled wryly at him. “I stand by my opinion — as it is the custom with my kin — that sex is for making children. Yes, it can be pleasurable, but it is nothing to indulge in simply for the pleasure. I… don’t judge you for being even more frivolous than I thought — though I have a hard time to understand what it is you get out of being humiliated. I don’t blame you for finding pleasure with someone after we’d parted ways. What I judge you for is committing adultery while we were together.”

She stopped walking and Nolofinwe turned around to face her.

“I beg your forgiveness for my past misconduct”, he said seriously. “I know, I’ve been disrespectful to you, my wife, and I hurt you. But I also want to be completely honest with you now. You might think the love that grew between Maedhros and me wrong, but it is very deep. I know there is little chance for him to be ever reborn, but if it ever happened… By the ruling of the Valar I’m married to you and only you, but I could not deny my love for him. If it were possible, I would be married to both of you.”

Anaire held his gaze. “Your honesty is very painful”, she finally said, her voice husky. “But your honesty is honourable and I cannot blame you for being that. I’ll have to think on this new information, before I decide on your request, but meanwhile I’ll be honest, too. I do not wish for more children and I do not long for sex. Intimacy, yes, but not intercourse. I cannot fulfil your cravings.”

Nolofinwe lifted her hand to his lips. “I love you”, he said. “Your words do not change that. I will wait for your decision.”

 

“You loved him, didn’t you?”

They’d already emptied a bottle each and Nolofinwe felt slightly woozy — his new hroa clearly wasn’t able to hold his drink as well as he’d been able to before his death.

“Yes”, he answered Findekáno without hesitation. “And I still do. You do, too, don’t you? Albeit in a very different way.”

“Yes.” His son sighed. “Should we hate him, for what he did? People look weirdly at me, when I call him my friend, but… he was and he would still be. Doriath was bad, Sirion was even worse… but the Oath…” Findekáno looked at him with haunted eyes. “Did he ever talk to you like the Oath was something alive?”

Nolofinwe took another swig of wine. “He did. It was… unsettling. He made me king because he knew he’d put the Oath above his duty to his people. He was such a good leader. To hear him say that…” Nolofinwe shivered. “I cannot believe he did these horrible things without remorse. He must have thought there was no other way out. Did you find him in Mandos? I searched, but he hid from me.”

“I found him sometimes — I think Námo had a hand in that, when I did.” Findekáno emptied his cup in one gulp. “At first I could barely reach him. I think… I think sometimes he thought he was in Angband again. And he was so sure we’d all hate him. He got better in time, but then I had to leave. I’d already stayed so much longer than I should have, I couldn’t bear it any more.”

“I wish I could have helped him.” Nolofinwe did not wish to think of what it meant that Námo had led Findekáno but not him to Maedhros. “He always felt better, when I could be with him on a bad day — and that was seldom enough.”

“Was I oblivious? Should I have noticed? I mean, I knew you got along remarkably well, considering your relationship with Feanor, but… I’d never have guessed…”

“We were very careful.” Nolofinwe turned his cup between his palms, staring into the dark red liquid. “We knew we couldn’t afford to be found out. That you didn’t just proves how good we were at hiding. Maglor caught us once, but he was the only one who knew. It hurt.” He let the wine run down his throat, it fanned the fire already burning in his stomach. “It was so hard to hide it, at times.”

“Yes…” Findekáno looked out of the window over the dark city, lights flickering in the windows. “Can I tell you something, father? A secret of my own?”

“If you want to?”

“My son, he… It is true, we found him with his dead mother. It is true, we could not find her relatives — but we knew exactly where she came from. She was an orc.”

Nolofinwe blinked at him, thinking the wine must have gone to his brain and made him mishear. “What?”

“She was an orc. Maedhros thought, she ran away to save her child — because he looked like an elf. We told no one. We took Ereinion to Himring and went back to bury her, Maedhros wanted her to have a proper burial. He… as fiercely as he fought in battle, I think he felt a kind of kinship with them that we couldn’t understand. Have you heard about the orcs on Tol Eressea?”

“Yes.” Nolofinwe nodded absentmindedly. “Ecthelion introduced me to their leader. An orc… Valar! Did you tell the boy?”

Findekáno nodded, swaying slightly. “I did. Told him how brave she was to flee from Angband. Told him he must keep it a secret at all cost. He made me wonder, you know…” Findekáno stared into his cup. “How different from us they really are, the orcs, I mean. If you talked to Sharû, you must know how… normal he is. And we killed them without mercy.”

Nolofinwe caught Findekáno’s shoulder because he thought he might topple off his chair otherwise. “It was war. And how could we have given them quarter when most people didn’t even trust our own if they managed to escape? But yes, meeting Sharû, realising they weren’t just mindless monsters, was a bit of a shock.”

Findekáno nodded bleakly and filled both their cups. For a while they drank in silence.

“How is it going with mother?”, Findekáno finally asked. “She still angry with you?”

“Don’t know.” Nolofinwe sighed. “I met her, few days ago, said she needs time. I’ll not push her, of course. But…” Tears came to his eyes suddenly. “I want her back”, he sniffed. “I love her.”

Findekáno patted his shoulder awkwardly.

 

“I’ve made my choice”, Anaire said, holding herself very straight. She hoped, he would agree. “I permit you to court me again. However, I ask of you not to have other… affairs beside me. I do not want you to sleep around with strangers. Once… if Maitimo is ever allowed to be reborn, we will talk about this again. I heard you when you said you loved him, too, and could not choose. I accept that, I won’t make you choose, if the time comes. Will you accept my condition in return?”

Nolofinwe bowed to her, laying his hand on his chest. “I accept. There won’t be anyone but you. I’d swear it, but…”

“We’ve had enough of oaths.” Anaire smiled thinly. “Yes, I understand.”

Nolofinwe offered her a sheet of heavy, cream-coloured paper, sealed with his sigil. “In the hopes that your answer would be favourable, my lady, I allowed myself to compose a poem for you.”

Anaire’s heart made a happy jump, she felt her cheeks blush. “Oh, you really mean to court me, do you? I almost feel young again.” She winked at him. “Will you declaim it for me. I so love your voice.”

“With pleasure.” Nolofinwe gave her a dazzling smile.

Anaire closed her eyes and let Nolofinwe’s mellow voice, the rhythm of the poem wash over her. She would say that she wasn’t vain, but Nolofinwe praising her skill with horses, her grace, the lustre of her hair and skin, made her feel aglow. She smiled at him when he ended and he reached out to lift her hand to his lips and press a kiss to her skin.

“I hope this finds your approval, my lady”, he said.

“It does.” Anaire pulled her hand from his, slowly as not to make him feel rejected and led her fingertips slide along his jaw. “Thank you. It is beautiful.”

“You inspire me, my lady.”

She looked into his beautiful grey eyes. Maybe she shouldn’t have even contemplated taking him back after everything he’d confessed to her, but looking into his eyes she knew she couldn’t have stayed angry with him forever. She loved him. She had to remind herself that she had vowed to herself not to make it too easy for him. He should not think that everything was forgotten. But fact was, she did not want to think of his love for Maitimo too closely.

She dreaded the day Maitimo would be reborn — she did not think the Valar would be so cruel to deny him the union of fea and hroa forever. Would Nolofinwe look at their nephew like he looked at her? Could she really stand by and accept that? She wanted to. She feared to lose him, if she didn’t. She could not anticipate her reaction in this, it was too strange, too foreign a thought to her.

The Eldar could be married to one person only, thus was the law. Could she knowingly let Nolofinwe break that law? Anaire shook her head slightly. There would be a time to contemplate all this, but it was not now.