Transcript of Divorce Proceedings: Mairon v. Melkor by Rocky41_7

Transcript of Divorce Proceedings: Mairon v. Melkor

Read Transcript of Divorce Proceedings: Mairon v. Melkor

Transcript of Divorce Proceedings Mairon v. Melkor

10 S.A.

Court of Máhanaxar

Honorable judge MANWË presiding.

Bailiff TULKAS standing by.

 

COUNSEL: Would you please state your name for the record?

MAIRON: Sauron.

COUNSEL: Your legal name, please.

MAIRON: That’s not important.

MELKOR: It’s Mairon.

MAIRON: You’re not on the stand. Answer your own [redacted] questions.

MELKOR: You’re going to fight with them about your [redacted] name? Are you serious?

COUNSEL: Could you please state your legal name for the record?

MAIRON: Mairon.

COUNSEL: Thank you. Now, in your request for legal divorce from the respondent—Your Honor.

MANWË: Melkor, stop making faces at the witness stand.

COUNSEL: Thank you. In your request for legal divorce from the respondent, you state that he failed to pay sufficient attention to you, that he destroyed your things on a number of occasions, that he…“spoiled your potential” and that he coerced you away from your natural habitat.

MAIRON: He also got most of our property destroyed in war with the Valar.

COUNSEL: I understand most of this property existed in the respondent’s name.

MANWË: This is academic. Melkor’s estate was seized at the end of the war; he owns no property.

MAIRON: It’s about the principle.

COUNSEL: Alright, so he ignored you, he destroyed your things, he stole you away from your native home, and he caused to be destroyed much of the property which you had enjoyed jointly with him during your marriage. Is that correct?

MELKOR: You didn’t mention that I took your favorite crucible.

MAIRON: Shut the [redacted] up. If I listed everything you stole, we would be here until the breaking of the world.

COUNSEL: If you could please not engage the respondent, Mairon.

MAIRON: He’s engaging me.

MELKOR: I’d engage you harder if you weren’t making us go through this asinine proceeding. You know he’s been threatening to do this for millennia. He’s only [redacted] now because he’s lost access to Angband.

MAIRON: You never could have run Angband or Utumno without me. I warned you, Morgoth. I warned you.

MELKOR: [Imitating the petitioner] I warned you, Morgoth. [No longer imitating the petitioner] You’ve been full of hot air for years, it’s only now that you’re sure you can’t suck anything else out of me like the vampire you are that you’re going through with it. If I had anything left to offer you you’d give it up now—I see that greedy shine in your eyes, Mairon.

COUNSEL: Your Honor.

MANWË: That’s enough crosstalk. We need to get through this in an orderly fashion.

MAIRON: Thank you.

MELKOR: What, you have something else to do? We’re the only case on the docket.

MANWË: Melkor.

COUNSEL: Can you give us an instance of the respondent’s unsatisfactory behavior towards you over the course of your relationship?

MAIRON: He had wandering eyes. I think he was having an affair with Curufinwë Fëanáro.

FËANOR: What the [redacted] is that supposed to mean? What the [redacted] are you suggesting? You think I had anything to do with this [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]?

MELKOR: [Laughter]

MANWË: If the audience could refrain from comment, please.

FËANOR: I will not sit quietly while I am impugned this way. Is this what you went around telling people? You went around telling people you were having a [redacted] affair with me? Are you that [redacted] pathetic? Do you want to fight me?

MANWË: Fëanáro, please.

FËANOR: Do you want to fight? I’ll fight you. Meet me on the courthouse steps, you sniveling wretch. It’s about time you followed through.

MANWË: Fëanáro, don’t make me have you removed from this courtroom.

MELKOR: [Laughter] [sic] were Mairon’s feelings hurt because someone else was a decent smith?

MAIRON: [Untranslatable]

COUNSEL: [Redacted] I am not getting hazard pay for this.

MANWË: Mairon, if you set fires in the courtroom I will have you removed.

MELKOR: [sic] that was a hot one.

MANWË: Can we get that cleaned up? Can we…

TULKAS: I’ll get Eönwë on it.

MANWË: Let’s take a twenty minute recess.

BREAK

MANWË: Okay. The rules of the court were already established, but I want to reiterate that the use of offensive magic is not permitted within the courtroom. Regardless of provocations, any such use of force will be answered with removal from the court. Thank you, Tulkas.

MELKOR: I want to report that Fëanáro threw a chisel at me in the hallway just now.

MANWË: Duly noted.

MELKOR: I don’t feel safe with him in the courtroom.

MANWË: I doubt that.

MELKOR: Shouldn’t he be removed for threatening a party to this proceeding?

FËANOR: Come remove me yourself, you [redacted] coward.

MANWË: Fëanáro. Are you going to behave yourself? Good. Melkor, are you satisfied?

MELKOR: No. But let him stay. If it irritates Mairon, I don’t mind. Hey, is he allowed to make gestures like that in the courtroom? That’s really unprofessional.

MANWË: Mairon, please refrain from antagonizing the respondent.

COUNSEL: Mairon, will you take the stand again? Can you tell us, in your own words, how the respondent came to steal you away from your original home?

MAIRON: I was a Maia of Aulë in the beginning.

COUNSEL: And you were considered a very talented smith, is that correct?

MAIRON: I was exceptional.

MELKOR: Do you see what I have to put up with? His ego could have sunk Beleriand on its own.

MANWË: Melkor, please let the petitioner finish.

COUNSEL: Was it because of your talent that the respondent approached you?

MAIRON: Yes. He was growing sloppy. He was struggling. It was only just starting, but he needed someone to help him. And so he seduced me away because he needed my skill to keep his workshop running. I could have been happy with Aulë. I could have lived among the Valar to this very day. He coerced me away and then he ruined me.

COUNSEL: What do you mean by that? That he ruined you?

MAIRON: Melkor can’t make anything of his own anymore. He can only alter that which already exists. When I first met him I was the greatest smith Aulë had. I was the greatest smith any of the Valar had. Now my skill is diminished as well, and it’s. All. Your. Fault.

MANWË: Mairon, the seat is smoking. Please.

MELKOR: [sic] yeah? I ruined you? Why don’t you come over here and I’ll ruin you a little more, you whiny brat? Aulë never could have given you what I gave you. Don’t pretend you were some swooning debutante who toppled into my arms. You wanted power. You wanted dominion. And you knew Aulë would never give it to you. You spat in daddy’s eye because I made you a sweeter deal than you were ever going to get in your “natural habitat.”

MAIRON: You were nothing without me. You needed me. And then you stole my rightful abilities from me.

MELKOR: I didn’t steal anything from you. If you got sloppy, that’s your own fault. You think I needed you? You think I couldn’t have failed to extract the location of Gondolin from one miserable Man without you?

FËANOR: [Unintelligible]

MAIRON: I made your plans a reality. I gave life to your blueprints. Without me, you never would have held out so long against the Valar.

TULKAS: Sit down, Fëanáro.

MELKOR: [sic] yes and where were you, when they broke down the gates of Angband? Were you by my side, my loyal little sweetheart? I don’t seem to recall that. Manwë, was Mairon with me when you and your attack dog there bound me up at the foot of my own throne?

MANWË: I am not on the stand. And neither are you. Let the petitioner tell his story.

MELKOR: And you, charming Tulkas? I’m sure you remember. Was Mairon there, ready to fight to the last, ready to be clapped in irons with his true love? [Laughter] You are the most self-serving creature I ever met, Mairon. I hear you’ve repented to Manwë. It won’t last, brother. Mairon will only kiss the hand of the biggest bully in the yard. The second he sees someone more enticing than you, he’ll be gone, giving that simpering look to someone else. Give him the worth of my estate, then. I have little use for it, and I might like to imagine how he’ll spoil it this time.

MAIRON: A lot of idle chatter from one who has already lost.

COUNSEL: Can we…

MANWË: There is no value of your estate.

COUNSEL: Can we get back to the line of questioning? Mairon, can you tell us

MAIRON: He ruined me. He stole from me. He lied to me. Is there more that needs to be said? He promised me power and wealth and control and now I have nothing. He promised me.

MELKOR: Boohoohoo, Mairon wants his due. He wants what he was promised. Did you not enjoy millennia of having anything at your fingertips that you wanted? What do you sue me for, because it didn’t last forever? You know me better than that, don’t you Mairon? I have never been a creature of constancy. Change is inherent.

MAIRON: You sunk yourself and dragged me down with you and I want recompence.

MELKOR: I have nothing left to buy your better temper this time, you little worm. But I suppose Manwë might have something that interests you, some generously-given restitution for your terrible suffering at my hands.

MANWË: I think it may be prudent to take another recess. Fifteen minutes?

MELKOR: Sure, why not? Maybe Mairon will manage to get his fana under control by then.

MANWË: If you could maintain a stable physical form, Mairon, that would be helpful…

BREAK

MANWË: I would like to again reiterate the necessity of keeping crosstalk at a minimum. If we are to get through these proceedings before the next age, the personal disagreements between the parties will need to be settled outside of court.

MELKOR: Difficult to do that, brother, when I’ve been cast into the Void. Or are we going to establish a line of connection so Mairon can continue to reach out to me with all his many complaints about me? Please, do spare me the possibility of conjugal visitation. Surely I do not warrant that much punishment.

MANWË: This is exactly what I’m talking about. Melkor, you will have your turn on the stand. Let it lie. Counselor?

COUNSEL: We have a character witness here who is…listed for both the petitioner and the respondent. Well, I will question him first about the respondent. Take the stand?

COUNSEL: Can you give us your legal name for the record, please?

WITNESS: Gothmog.

COUNSEL: Excellent. And Gothmog, you worked closely with both the petitioner and the respondent, correct?

GOTHMOG: Yeah. [Redacted] idea that was.

COUNSEL: And during that time, did you observe any friction in their relationship?

GOTHMOG: Does it count as friction if it’s constant?

COUNSEL: Please describe for the court what you saw. Specifically, if you saw any behavior from the respondent in line with the petitioner’s complaints of neglect and ill treatment.

MELKOR: That is a very open-ended question.

MANWË: Proceed.

GOTHMOG: Sauron

COUNSEL: For the record, you are referring to the petitioner, Mairon the Maia?

GOTHMOG: Yeah. Sauron was always whining that Melkor didn’t pay enough attention to him. So he was always doing dumb [redacted] to [redacted] Melkor off so he’d come flying in all black clouds and thunder and hail about it and they’d go on for days.

COUNSEL: By “go on,” do you mean they would fight?

GOTHMOG: Yeah.

COUNSEL: And what was usually the result of these fights?

GOTHMOG: That depends on when. Later, Sauron got more interested in physical form.

COUNSEL: Can you explain?

GOTHMOG: He was interested in [sic] the [sic] reproductive processes of the Children. You know…

COUNSEL: So these fights…

GOTHMOG: Yeah, sometimes. Most of the time it didn’t seem to come to anything though. It was like…a game, I guess. Just something they did. Sauron threatened divorce a lot, but he never actually filed the paperwork.

MAIRON: Your Honor.

MANWË: Melkor, please refrain from obscene gestures in the courtroom.

MELKOR: I told you he was a freak behind closed doors.

MAIRON: I would have thought someone trapped in his fana would be more interested in physicality.

MELKOR: That was a low blow. You just wanted to show off your fair form. Who exactly was supposed to be impressed with that? Anyone can look like a scrawny Elf.

MAIRON: You can’t.

MANWË: Crosstalk. Let counsel proceed with the questioning. And can we get the audience to settle down? Please, no responses to the proceedings…

COUNSEL: Mr. Gothmog, was it your opinion that these instances of physicality were a cry for attention from the petitioner?

GOTHMOG: Um…

COUNSEL: Would you agree with the respondent’s characterization that the petitioner was seeking admiration of his various physical forms?

GOTHMOG: Look, I just managed the balrogs and took care of some of Melkor’s armies…

MAIRON: Someone please kill me.

MELKOR: [sic]

COUNSEL: You say the petitioner was often dissatisfied with the attention paid to him by the respondent, and that this resulted in arguments. Did the respondent make any effort to ameliorate the situation?

GOTHMOG: He gave Sauron a lot of stuff.

COUNSEL: Stuff? Like gifts?

GOTHMOG: Yeah. He got a dragon, once. That made him happy for a while.

COUNSEL: But it didn’t last?

GOTHMOG: Melkor made some comment…I don’t remember what…about the Noldor and smithing…so Sauron set him on fire while he was working the forge.

MAIRON: He said the Noldor had some excellent smiths, and if you had been there, you would have done the same thing.

MANWË: No commentary from the parties.

GOTHMOG: Yeah, he did stuff like that a lot. Did some real damage to our working space, too.

MAIRON: You’re supposed to be my character witness you stupid oaf.

MANWË: Mairon. Enough.

COUNSEL: You suggest the petitioner was violent with the respondent?

GOTHMOG: [Laughter] [sic] yeah. It was constant. He’d destroy Melkor’s projects if he thought they were taking up too much of his time and weren’t helping the cause enough. He was always going on about Melkor wasting too much time, or doing things [sic]…inefficiently.

COUNSEL: And how did Melkor usually react to that?

GOTHMOG: With glaciers, usually.

COUNSEL: Can you elaborate?

GOTHMOG: One time [Laughter] One time he froze Sauron like an ice cube for ten years straight. [Laughter] Left him on display in the main hall. [Laughter]

MAIRON: It wasn’t funny.

MANWË: If the witness could refrain from pounding on the stand, it appears to be starting to splinter.

GOTHMOG: Sauron had wrecked something of his that was close to completion—I think it was a wyrm or something—and boy, that was a fight.

MELKOR: You see? I’m the victim here.

FËANOR: You’ve never been a victim in your miserable life.

MELKOR: Bitterness suits you, Noldo. Still holding a grudge about my little duel with your brother? That is your complaint, isn’t it? That that wretch Nolofinwë got a chance to fight me, but you never did?

COUNSEL: Does anyone else smell smoke again?

MANWË: Tulkas, please restrain Fëanáro, and remove him from the courtroom if he cannot control himself.

MELKOR: Perhaps you aren’t as important as you think you are, Curufinwë.

FËANOR: [Unintelligible]

MANWË: Bailiff, can you please show Fëanáro out.

FËANOR: You can’t make me leave, this is a free courtroom.

TULKAS: Yes, I can.

BREAK

MANWË: Okay, now that that’s…can someone prop the door up, there? [sic]. It’s not…it’s not going to stay, is it? Just set it aside then. Put the hinge with it.

TULKAS: You want me to fix that?

MANWË: Later. Could we get someone to sweep up the…? Thank you, Eönwë.

COUNSEL: The petitioner has another character witness, if she’s ready to take the stand.

WITNESS: I am.

COUNSEL: Could you state your name for the record?

WITNESS: [Unintelligible]

STENOGRAPHER: Could you spell that out?

WITNESS: T-H-U-R-I-N-G-W-E-T-H-I-L

COUNSEL: Alright, Ms. Th…Turing…

THURINGWTHIL: Thuringwethil.

COUNSEL: Ms. Thuringwethil. You also worked with both the petitioner and the respondent, is that right?

THURINGWETHIL: Yes.

COUNSEL: Can you describe the nature of their relationship for the court?

THURINGWETHIL: Not really.

COUNSEL: Why not?

THURINGWETHIL: I don’t know how you describe a thing like that. Pathological, maybe.

COUNSEL: Would you describe the petitioner as happy in this relationship?

THURINGWETHIL: I wouldn’t describe Sauron as happy in general. He always had a complaint about something.

COUNSEL: Let the record show the witness is referring to the petitioner, Mairon the Maia. Is it true that he often threatened the respondent with divorce?

THURINGWETHIL: Yes, but I don’t think he was serious.

COUNSEL: Why not?

THURINGWETHIL: I think it was mostly a ploy for attention. Most things he did to Melkor were. [sic] I’ve never seen anyone throw tantrums the way Sauron does.

MAIRON: You’re a [redacted] and a traitor.

THURINGWETHIL: Perhaps you should be regretting now that you chose to mock my bat form.

MAIRON: You looked like a used oil rag draped over a couple of twigs.

THURINGWETHIL: [Untranslatable]

MANWË: Please refrain from harassing the witness.

THURINGWETHIL: At least I didn’t fly directly over Gondolin and somehow still miss it.

COUNSEL: It was your view that the petitioner was not genuine in his desire for divorce from the respondent?

THURINGWETHIL: Given the length of time over which he made these threats, I’d say no. He’s only going through with it now because he knows Melkor is done for.

COUNSEL: You are referring to the respondent’s eternal sentence in the Void?

THURINGWETHIL: Yes.

MAIRON: If nothing else, I should be granted humanitarian release from being chained forever to someone who barely exists.

MELKOR: Why don’t you come a little closer and say that again?

COUNSEL: May I proceed with questioning?

MANWË: Yes, please do.

COUNSEL: The petitioner has alleged the respondent had a habit of breaking his personal affects. Can you testify to that?

THURINGWETHIL: Melkor would break anything in a temper. You just learned to keep your stuff out of the way when he was wroth. But Sauron kept so much of his stuff in Melkor’s spaces it did get broken. Sometimes he went after Sauron’s stuff on purpose.

COUNSEL: And why was that?

THURINGWETHIL: To make him angry, usually. Sometimes he liked driving Sauron into a temper so he would lose control of his fana and set things on fire.

COUNSEL: Why?

THURINGWETHIL: He thought it was funny. Other times it was because Sauron had broken something of his first.

COUNSEL: Did the petitioner often break things belonging to the respondent?

THURINGWETHIL: Yes.

MAIRON: I hate you.

COUNSEL: Why did he do that?

THURINGWETHIL: Because he’s an ill-tempered beast? Like Gothmog said, it was usually about getting Melkor’s attention, or punishing Melkor for whatever thing Sauron decided he had done wrong this time.

MELKOR: You see? I’m the…

MAIRON: Shut up.

MELOKR: I’m the victim. This feral little savage ran around destroying my things left and right…

COUNSEL: Ms. Thinwethle. What makes you believe the petitioner did these things to get the attention of the respondent?

THURINGWETHIL: Because he only did it when he had been whining that Melkor wasn’t paying enough attention to him.

MAIRON: I don’t whine.

MELKOR: [Laughter]

MAIRON: Shut up, you miserable…

MELKOR: I never heard such whining in all my life. Have you?

AULË: I am not a party to this proceeding.

MANWË: Melkor, if you could please not address the audience.

THURINGWETHIL: He had this look on his face. Petulant. And once Melkor paid attention to him he usually stopped. Sometimes he would sulk for months at a time.

MAIRON: Objection.

MELKOR: You’re not the [redacted] attorney.

MAIRON: This isn’t fair. She’s supposed to be my character witness.

MELKOR: Bad choice.

MAIRON: Your Honor, please make the respondent stop talking to me.

MANWË: Both of you should stop talking, and let counsel work. Melkor, please refrain from making faces at the petitioner.

COUNSEL: Can you speak to the petitioner’s claim that the respondent “spoiled” his potential? Did he make such claims in the past?

THURINGWETHIL: I could see he was growing displeased with the quality of his work. He began to bar people from intruding while he was working. I once saw him push an Orc into the incinerator for asking him a question.

MAIRON: Like you wouldn’t have incinerated some Elves if you had the chance? Maybe the one that gave you that ugly scar?

THURINGWETHIL: It’s not ugly.

MAIRON: You don’t enjoy your badge of honor from losing to a single Sinda whelp?

THURINGWETHIL: As I recall, she beat you too. Idiot.

MANWË: If witnesses could refrain from pejoratives, please.

THURINGWETHIL: Are we almost done here?

MELKOR: What, you have somewhere to be?

THURINGWETHIL: Yes. Not here.

MELKOR: Why don’t you tell them about the time he erupted a volcano by accident because he shrieked so hard at me?

COUNSEL: Can you give us any word as to the petitioner’s temper?

THURINGWETHIL: Bad.

COUNSEL: Can you elaborate?

THURINGWETHIL: You’ve seen him here in court. He’s no better out of it.

COUNSEL: Was it your experience that he employed this temper against the respondent?

THURINGWETHIL: Yes. Frequently.

MANWË: Mairon, please return all parts of your form to your seat, and do not reach across the aisle.

MELKOR: Yeah, Mairon. Stay on your side.

MAIRON: [Unintelligible] [Untranslatable]

MANWË: Can we please…can we stick to intelligent speech, in the courtroom?

COUNSEL: Please don’t hiss at the respondent.

COUNSEL: How did the respondent usually respond to these expressions of temper from the petitioner?

THURINGWETHIL: That depended on his mood. Sometimes he’d pound him into a greasy spot on the floor. Other times he’d buy him off. Sometimes he just seemed entertained.

COUNSEL: Did the petitioner sustain any lasting injuries from these incidents?

THURINGWETHIL: Not that I know of. It never deterred him much either, from what I could see.

COUNSEL: Did the respondent make frequent gifts to the petitioner?

THURINGWETHIL: Yes. He liked to show off that way. Nobody could adulate about his latest creation like Sauron, and I think he liked feeding Sauron’s greedy side. It amused him. When it didn’t irritate him.

COUNSEL: Can you speak to the incident referenced by the respondent, involving the volcano?

THURINGWETHIL: I wish I couldn’t. Melkor had promised Sauron something…dire bats, or something like that. Anyway, he had decided for some reason Sauron didn’t deserve them anymore and he wasn’t going to give them. Sauron went on about this for weeks, making the lava flows gush and screaming about what he was promised.

THURINGWETHIL: Where are my bats? He kept on shrieking like wraith, like he was trying to drive us all mad. Where are my bats, Melkor? I would have left for Nan Elmoth if I hadn’t been needed there, just to get away from his racket. It was really a nightmare. I took on a mist form so at least I wouldn’t have to hear the sound of his voice anymore.

THURINGWETHIL: When Melkor finally told him he wasn’t getting them, that’s when he let the volcano loose. It might have been an accident. It might not have been. Hard to say.

MELKOR: For a being without a constant corporeal form he sure does have a set of lungs on him, doesn’t he?

COUNSEL: And was this behavior unusual for the petitioner?

THURINGWETHIL: No. Are we almost done?

MAIRON: Let her go. She doesn’t want to be here and I don’t want her here.

MELKOR: Who doesn’t whine, now?

MAIRON: Shut up. You’re not supposed to talk to me.

MELKOR: You’re not supposed to talk to me either. Remember? What, are you ignoring me now? [sic] the silent treatment…that’s new. You’re lucky you don’t have a stomach or you’d be giving yourself an ulcer right now. You can’t hold your tongue without ripping the fabric of your being apart. Mairon. Mairon. Hey.

MANWË: Melkor. Leave the petitioner alone.

COUNSEL: I think that will be all, Ms. Thingwithol.

THURINGWETHIL: Great. Enjoy your divorce.

BREAK

MANWË: I am giving you one warning, Melkor. Behave yourself, or you will be returned to the Void to await this verdict.

MELKOR: At least I won’t have to listen to Mairon’s [redacted].

COUNSEL: Can you state your name for the record, please?

MELKOR: Melkor was the first one.

COUNSEL: And it is your opinion that divorce should not be granted to the petitioner?

MELKOR: Of course.

COUNSEL: Can you elaborate on that answer?

MELKOR: Mairon’s gotten everything he wanted for too long. He’s just throwing another tantrum. You really want to reward that? I mean, he’s your problem now, but I’d advise you train him better than that. Once he picks up a habit…

MAIRON: Don’t talk about me like a beast to be broken.

MELKOR: That’s what you are, babe.

MAIRON: [Untranslatable]

MANWË: Eönwë, the fire extinguisher, please.

COUNSEL: Can you describe for the court your relationship with the petitioner?

MELKOR: [sic] gladly. You see that little [redacted] there? I picked him up from Aulë ages back. He was whip-smart back then, a real clever little thing. Good with his hands. A creative mind. Wasted in Aulë’s forges. I could see it. He was yearning to break free. He wanted more and was afraid to admit it to himself. Didn’t want to upset Aulë, after all. And he thought he was Eru’s gift to all of them. Wouldn’t give the other Maiar the time of day. [Laughter]

MELKOR: So I made him a deal: He would come with me, and be my Maia instead, and in return, I would give him dominion of some lands, and I would help him create beyond his wildest dreams. Forget his piddly patch in Valinor; I could deliver to him all of Middle-earth.

MAIRON: I told you he lied.

MELKOR: Made that little Maia spirit beat like the wing of a bird, all wavering and light. You’re still doing it now. Admit it, Mairon: If I came to you with promises so sweet again you’d be singing my praises again in a heartbeat. You wanted me to take you. You wanted what I had. You wanted to join your craft with mine.

COUNSEL: If we could…

MAIRON: You lied to me.

MELKOR: I didn’t lie, you crawling cockroach. I gave you exactly what I said I would. If you thought it would last forever, that’s not my fault. I never gave you a timeframe.

MAIRON: You don’t know me.

MELKOR: I know you better than anyone. I’m the only one that does know you. You’ve always been a cocky little [redacted] and you thought you could get the best of me, didn’t you? You thought if you stuck it out you’d steal out from under me, and wrap me around your pretty little hand, and twist until you were the one calling the shots. So I think the mistake is yours, Mairon. Your mistake was in thinking you could beat me.

MELKOR: You bet all your coins on one roll of the dice, and that’s on you.

MAIRON: My mistake was thinking you were worth anything.

MELKOR: [sic] you’re really feeling catty now, aren’t you? It tastes bad, being on the losing side, doesn’t it? Isn’t that what you’re really sore about?

COUNSEL: Can we get on with the questioning?

MELKOR: Sure, sure. Ask about the property. That was one of his [redacted], wasn’t it? I got our [redacted] destroyed?

MANWË: Put your feet on the floor, Melkor.

COUNSEL: Yes, that was one of the petitioner’s complaints. Can you explain that situation at all?

MELKOR: I can tell you that’s some pretty audacious talk from somebody who was involved in the affair.

COUNSEL: Elaborate?

MELKOR: Sauron was my right hand during the entire war. Didn’t he tell you how he ran Tol-in-Gaurhoth? Or did he leave that out after he murdered Finrod Felagund without knowing who it was? And got his [redacted] handed to him by Melian’s brat? [Laughter][sic] wasn’t he sore after that. He sulked for years. Bit me, too.

COUNSEL: He bit you?

MELKOR: He has a variety of charming forms. Most of them have a lot of sharp [redacted] teeth. He’s taken fingers and flesh off before.

EÖNWË: You bit him?

MANWË: Please, no interruptions.

EÖNWË: Apologies.

MELKOR: Sauron did great with instructions. Problem was he thought he was a lot smarter than he was, so if you left him to his own devices he ended making a cluster[redacted] of everything. And he lacked vision.

MAIRON: I didn’t lose the war.

MELKOR: You didn’t win it either, you useless [redacted].

COUNSEL: Do you mean to imply the petitioner had a hand in the destruction of the estate?

MELKOR: Putting aside the amount of my things he destroyed himself in fits of jealous rage or childish pique, yes.

COUNSEL: And while this property was legally yours, did the petitioner reside primarily on the estate?

MELKOR: Yeah.

COUNSEL: And how long was this his primary residence?

MELKOR: [Redacted]. I guess…30,000 years? Are we counting the time he was at Utumno?

COUNSEL: Let us focus on the main estate at issue here, Angband and its associated properties.

MELKOR: Yeah, I guess something like that then. I don’t really remember.

COUNSEL: And you are aware that this time period, combined with your relationship status, may make him eligible for a common law claim on your property?

MELKOR: [Redacted], really? You know, it would have been nice of you to tell me we were a common law marriage state.

MANWË: If you had ever attended a legal council meeting, you might have been aware.

COUNSEL: However, if he is also culpable in its destruction, he may not recover the full value of the property.

MELKOR: Yeah, I do remember that.

MAIRON: I wasn’t the one who pulled the walls down. And you say I throw tantrums.

MELKOR: Babe, the ship was sunk by then. Brother dearest here and his troll were going to tear the thing down anyway.

TULKAS: You should address the judge with respect.

MELKOR: You should [redacted] that [redacted] hammer up your [redacted] [redacted] so your wife can finally [redacted] [redacted] [redacted].

MANWË: I will remove you from the witness stand if you continue with this infantile display.

MAIRON: You cost us Ancalagon, the finest weapon we ever had.

MELKOR: Well maybe if your defenses had been better, Eärendil never would have gotten to him in the first place. Honestly, holding the skies was your job. And for the record, we wouldn’t have had to deploy Ancalagon at all if you and the sludge-brained Lord of Balrogs over here had managed to push the Valar back from our territory.

GOTHMOG: I didn’t

MELKOR: No one asked for your excuses.

MAIRON: You were too hasty

MANWË: This is not a military court or a debrief on your martial shortcomings. Counselor?

COUNSEL: Several character witnesses have testified, as has the petitioner himself, that you did not pay him sufficient attention, as was his due as your partner. Care to respond to that?

MELKOR: Yeah, he’s an attention-mongering little brat. If I did nothing else but stare at him and lovingly caress his fëa he would still whine that it wasn’t good enough.

MAIRON: That isn’t true. You ignored me.

MELKOR: The only time I ignored you was when you were being a stupid [redacted]. The rest of the time you just got it into your head that you weren’t being adored enough and started screaming and stomping your feet until you got what you wanted.

COUNSEL: Did these instances usually end in fights?

MELKOR: That’s what he wanted.

COUNSEL: The petitioner wanted to fight with you?

MELKOR: Yeah. That was the point.

MAIRON: You never appreciated me.

MELKOR: Never appreciated? I gave everything into your hands. Did I give Gothmog or Thuringwethil what I gave you? Did I trust them with the running of my plans the way I did you? Did I produce from the joining of our fëas the works of art I created with you? And that was even after you led me on that goose-chase through the north for four decades because you wanted to play keep-away with my best lamp. Hey, did anyone else get to talk to me the way you do? [Redacted]. I’m the one who’s never appreciated.

MAIRON: It’s your fault.

MELKOR: That makes it easy for you, doesn’t it? Wrap it up all nice and neat? Pin the whole thing on me, make yourself out to be the helpless ingenue seduced to wickedness by a bad influence, plead your repentances to Manwë, and take your place in Valinor again? That would be a pretty bow on the end of this Age for you, wouldn’t it? [Laughter] Maybe Aulë will even take you back, although I can’t fathom how bored you’ll be in his forges now. You won’t get fire drakes from him.

MELKOR: Own up, Mairon. I know your backbone is flexible, but let’s have some effort. You’ve been hoisted on your own petard, and you know it.

MAIRON: No, I was good. I was good, and I had talent, and you ruined me.

MELKOR: I gave you exactly what you wanted.

MAIRON: No, you didn’t.

MELKOR: You’re a good liar, but we both know the truth.

MAIRON: [Untranslatable]

COUNSEL: [Redacted]

MANWË: Mairon.

MAIRON: [Untranslatable]

MELKOR: [Redacted] now that’s impressive. Why bother walking around like some pathetic, pasty-faced Elf when you can do that? [Redacted]. That’s something worth looking at. [Untranslatable] That’s my feisty pet. Come on, let’s see what you’ve really got.

MANWË: Melkor, please sit down. Mairon…

MAIRON: Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. [Untranslatable]

COUNSEL: I am not going to keep doing this if my [sic] life is going to be endangered. Somebody do something.

MANWË: Tulkas, would you please get Mairon under control? Eönwë, the fire extinguisher?

MAIRON: Don’t touch me.

TULKAS: Then sit down and stick to a reasonable physical form.

MELKOR: Temper, temper, Mairon. It always did get the best of you.

MAIRON: Stop looking at me like that. Stop looking at me at all.

MELKOR: Please. You’ve always been a [redacted] for attention. Isn’t that what that whole display was about? Or did you just want to sit there dripping foam like the world’s most pathetic sponge cake?

MAIRON: I’m not trying to impress you.

MELKOR: Aren’t you? But that wasn’t a bad try. Better than this whole proceeding.

MAIRON: Don’t try to sweet-talk me in court. I won’t change my mind. And this is not for you, it’s for me.

MELKOR: I’ve heard that song and dance before.

MAIRON: I mean it. You’re a [redacted].

MELKOR: Sure you do.

MELKOR: You know what? I’ve changed my mind.

MAIRON: What?

MELKOR: Give him the divorce. Hand over the papers, let me sign those.

MAIRON: What are you doing?

MELKOR: Giving you what you want, like always.

MAIRON: Well, good. It’s about time. I can’t believe you dragged it on this long.

MELKOR: Neither can I. I should’ve scraped you off my boot a long time ago. I think a few years in the Void made me forget how [redacted] irritating you are.

MAIRON: You chose me.

MELKOR: And what a mistake that was. Aulë didn’t warn me what a [redacted] moody thing you are. And I’ve had enough of being made out like I twisted your arm into things you couldn’t run to fast enough. [sic] Melkor seduced me. [sic] Melkor lied to me. [sic] I didn’t know what I was doing. I was just a poor helpless little thing who didn’t know any better. He whispered in my ear and my fëa went all aflutter and I just couldn’t help myself.

MELKOR: Am I really that convincing?

MAIRON: I hope you hated every second of being with me.

MELKOR: You better bet I did, you obsequious slug. I passed more pleasant evenings with mountain trolls than you.

MAIRON: Must have been nice to spend time with someone better-looking than yourself.

MELKOR: Well it sure as [redacted] wasn’t you. Somewhere along the way you torched your imagination along with the tantrum of the day [sic].

MANWË: Let’s have an end, then. Melkor, you can return to your seat.

COUNSEL: Your Honor, Fëanáro is outside the window.

MANWË: Well, we’re almost done here anyway. Leave him. Unless, Varda, you want to…?

VARDA: Let him see the verdict, it’s almost over now.

MANWË: Melkor, don’t look at the window. Stop threatening Fëanáro.

MELKOR: He started it. Did you see the gesture he was making at me?

MANWË: Be the adult. Now…

MANWË: In the matter of Mairon v. Melkor, I have determined that no divorce is to be granted.

MELKOR: What?

MAIRON: What?

TULKAS: What?

COUNSEL: Pardon?

MANWË: Looking over the circumstances, I think the most just outcome here is for you to remain wedded. I think today’s testimony has proven that you are a perfect match for each other.

MAIRON: What are you doing?

MELKOR: You’ve got to be kidding me.

MANWË: As there is nothing remaining of the estate in dispute, there is no monetary award, nor any other damages. So the court has decided, so let it be.

MAIRON: No, you can’t

MELKOR: This is [redacted], you can’t make me stay with this little [redacted].

MAIRON: This isn’t fair.

MELKOR: [Redated] right it isn’t. I don’t deserve to be stuck with this spoiled infant. Eru wouldn’t let you do this to me.

MANWË: Actually, I think that’s precisely what you deserve. Enjoy your married life, brother.

MAIRON: [Redacted] you Melkor. This is all your fault. If you had just signed the [redacted] papers.

MELKOR: And here we go again. Did you ever think it was stupid to start these proceedings in the first place?

MAIRON: No, because I didn’t think you were going to be a child about it.

MANWË: Bailiff, please return the respondent to his cell.

MELKOR: I hope you’re happy. For once all your wailing and blubbering hasn’t gotten you anything.

MAIRON: You’ve stolen from me again, you selfish [redacted]. I can’t believe I ever listened to you. I can’t believe I listened to you. Oh, I would kill you myself. I’m going to kill you. Do you hear me, Melkor? I’m going to kill you. I’m going to [redacted] kill you.

MANWË: Eönwë…

MELKOR: Why don’t you come give it a try? I’d like to see you try, you jumped-up little Maia [redacted]. Or else go home and make sure to take care of the pets. Try not to spend too many nights bawling without me.

TULKAS: Let’s go.

MAIRON: [Redacted] you. I had potential.

MELKOR: See you, babe.

MAIRON: No, you won’t.

MELKOR: We’ll see about that.

END TRANSCRIPT

 

 

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Chapter End Notes

Melkor vc: lol ur cute when ur pissed
Sauron: I'm about to be fucking adorable

They really do deserve each other. Feral brat Sauron is my fav.

You should also really go check out am_fae's Finrod/Sauron AU.

So apparently there's a chance that when he was fleeing from Luthien, Sauron actually did fly over Gondolin.