Where have they gone? by ford_of_bruinen

Where has they gone?

I stand looking out over the water, the white sand burning beneath my feet, this was where it ended, all hope, forgiveness and salvation. It should be Macalaure standing here, finding words for all the emotions strangling me, the shame, the fury and regret. Yet it is me, the dark one. Not one of my brothers stand here with me now, not one of them yet returned, maybe some still live, dwelling on that far side of violence and hate. I doubt that Telufinwe does, there was no wholeness on the other side.

I know Tyelkormo has been lost, I saw him fall, honeyed hair matted by blood, and the youngest of the Ambarussa, well that had been a long time ago yet somehow neither have found life again.

I knew what they had called me, the child of no talent, shadow child of the bright flame, quick to fury, quick to violence, yet with embers glowing hot for a long time. Still I do not think my reign there had been worse than either of my brothers, but maybe I am deceiving myself, wishing for an ever elusive redemption.
My eyes sting from the memories, love and long forgotten grief. I want them here with me, I was neither youngest nor eldest and now being middle in that midst of brothers traps me in confusion. Who am I without my brothers? Without the sword? Shall I lead or follow, shall I whimper as a child, beg forgiveness for the past or stand defiant as my father once did, facing his believes no come what may? Who am I Haleth and why am I standing here, this sinner given new life when your people age and die and disappear?

The sand whispers behind me as someone move closer, quietly, and I fight down the urge to send my hand towards a sword I no longer carry. I have no wish for company or accusations so I force myself to ignore the sound behind me. Pretend there is no one there, no one save my brothers. No strangers, cousins or mother, for they can no longer relate to who I have become. My mother and I can find no words to bridge the gap of years where she was not with us, where she turned her back on us, sparks from her soul. I cannot move past that nor can she move past me choosing my father in the end.

‘The sand feels like it should still be soaked in blood, and yet it washed away as if nothing happened. I am sorry Carnisti, I could not keep any of you safe, too caught up in that damned oath and father’s fire.’

The scent of fresh air, open fields and light suddenly fleets into my awareness and I freeze, unable to move. I dare not breathe for fear that he will not be there should I turn now and I reach a hand out beside me, touching flesh and, as if caught in the mist, I spin around and there he is. Taller than the Valar themselves, fiery hair running down his back yet it is the peace in the grey eyes that catches me. The peace and the grief though it had been there since Findekano returned him to us.

I throw myself at him, suddenly a small child again as his arms close around me. I feel whole and safe now. He was always safety, this eldest brother of mine.

‘I have missed you,’ I hear myself croak against his chest as the tears start falling, and somehow from bitter waters and the pieces of my soul I am slowly feeling my self, soul, re-knit into something solid.

Chapter End Notes

No beta so excuse any error in spellings, grammar or canon, i am still trying to re-learn these things :)