Dear Irmo

September 2021 SWG challenge Dear Irmo with old-fashioned typewriter

What is at least 330 years old and deliciously salacious? A young Glorfindel? A Númenórean king having a midlife crisis? That wheel of cheese lost in the darkest corner of the Bag End larder? All of the above, right?? (Well, maybe not the cheese …) And also …

... advice columns! Historians trace the first advice column to 1690, and in the three centuries hence, the heartsore, woebegone, and perpetually puzzled have turned to these "agony aunts" (and uncles) to solve their most debilitating dilemmas about family, work, and of course, love.

Prompts for this month's challenge will be an actual advice column, tweaked just slightly to make it more relevant for Middle-earth. You can use your prompt however you want. Answer the question with a fanwork! Create a fanwork about the dilemma described! Take a passage, phrase, or even just a single word to inspire your fanwork! We encourage you to be creative in how you use your prompts. (And remember that names and other details about the identities of "LWs" are changed to protect the guilty, so swap out characters as you please!) You can choose your own prompt from our collection of letters below.

This challenge opened in September 2021 .

Prompts

Choose your prompt from the collection below.

View Prompts

For Those Nine-Year NoMe Pregnancies ...

Dear Irmo,

I had a baby six months ago. Due to luck, general good health, and diet/exercise, I gained a fairly small amount of weight during pregnancy and shed it pretty quickly afterward.

My friend "Míriel" is pregnant with her first baby and has gained substantially more weight than I did, but looks great and apparently is in good health. Our families get together often, and her husband has taken to casually interviewing me about how I stayed in shape through pregnancy.

He is totally transparent -- he only asks when Míriel is in the room, presumably either to help motivate her or to outright shame her for gaining weight.

I don't want to be complicit in this. What should I say to Míriel's husband, and do I say it in front of her or privately? I don't just want him to stop asking ME for advice, I want him to stop shaming her altogether.

(Adapted from Carolyn Hax, 14 June 2019)

Yes, Master

Dear Irmo,

An employee, “Túna,” started at our workplace about a year and a half ago. She’s not my subordinate, but is the subordinate to a peer of mine, and works frequently with my subordinates. A few months later she got a new boyfriend, “Teleporno.” (I found out about this through normal cask cooler-type conversation.)

After she’d been with the company a few more months, at Yuletide, she invited her boyfriend to our holiday party. (This is totally normal in our workplace; people are welcome to bring any family or friends they like to the party as long as they RSVP.) Everything there seemed fine as well, although at one point Teleporno asked Túna to get him a drink, to which she replied “Yes, master!” in a very “I Dream of Jeannie” kind of way. We all laughed it off as a joke, and it didn’t come up again.

…until it did. We had an early summer party in late May at which Túna and Teleporno both attended (again, bringing SOs and friends was totally acceptable, so that was not in itself a problem). At this party, there was a good deal more of Teleporno ordering Túna around and Túna calling him “master”: he sent her to fetch drinks and hot dogs, he told her to find a place for them to sit, etc., to which she replied consistently with “Yes, master.” It made a number of people, myself included, clearly uncomfortable, but there was nothing objectively abusive about it (he never yelled at her or threatened her), and her immediate supervisor and her supervisor’s supervisor weren’t there, and so no one said anything (perhaps incorrectly?).

After the party, at the office, I overheard a conversation in which one of her coworker-friends was like, “so uh, what’s up with the master thing?” and she explained that she was in a 24/7 dominant/submissive relationship, and he wasn’t her boyfriend or her SO or her partner, he was her “master,” and needed to be referred to as such. Her coworker was clearly flummoxed and didn’t have much response to that.

Later, I heard her correct someone who referred to her boyfriend as her boyfriend/partner, saying that he wasn’t her partner, he was her master, and should be referred to using his appropriate title. She compared it to gay rights, saying that if she was a man, they wouldn’t erase her relationship by referring to “Teleporno” as “Celeborn,” and so they shouldn’t erase the D/s relationship by calling him a partner instead of a master. It’s pretty clear that her coworkers aren’t comfortable asking her “will your master be at the end-of-summer barbecue?” or “did you and your master do anything fun this weekend?, though, and thus have just stopped referring to Teleporno at all.

Her direct boss, my colleague, is baffled as to how to sensitively address this issue. My instinct is that there’s a very big difference between insisting that colleagues acknowledge that you’re in a gay relationship and insisting that they refer to your partner as “your master,” and that it borders on involving other non-consenting parties into your relationship … but I can’t really articulate why. For what it’s worth, I am a bisexual woman, and our office has a number of gay/lesbian, trans, and poly individuals, so it’s not an issue of being against nontraditional relationships. It just seems to be that it seems very important to Túna that Teleporno be referred to as “her master,” and it seems equally clear that her coworkers find this intensely uncomfortable.

Help? How can I advise my colleague? What’s reasonable in this situation?

(Adapted from Ask a Manager, 27 September 2016)

Too Many Birthday Presentses

Dear Irmo,

Maybe this is too small a problem for your column, but here goes: I hate holidays. It’s the gift-giving specifically that I hate so very much. Hates it we does.

I don’t really like stuff. I try to have as little of it as possible in my life, and my entire family LOVES stuff. They love it so much that they buy stuff to keep their stuff in and spend recreation time on missions to acquire more stuff. I literally beg them to stop buying me things and they won’t. I tell them every year that I'm not going to spend good money on things no one needs and they act like I plucked their nightingale in front of them.

Even worse is that everything they buy me is aspirational. Gear for a life I don’t have and don’t want. I don’t need fancy dresses and fancy hair shit and fancy jewelry and fancy hunting clothes. That’s their world. It’s fine for them but I do not like or want any of those things.

What’s my question? How do I avoid all this gift-giving! And I suppose if I can’t, then how do I learn to hate it less? And if you can’t handle that one, can you at least tell me how to get my mother to cook something vegetarian for Yule dinner? Literally anything.

(Adapted from Asking Bear, 8 December 2015)

"Close in Friendship"

Dear Irmo,

I am a bachelor in my early 30s. I don’t share an apartment with a maiden because of my high moral standards, and I am not yet ready for marriage.When I used to share an apartment with another bachelor, people assumed that we were gay. I now have a very nice place of my own. However, if I have bachelor friends over, I am still perceived as being gay. And if I entertain a female friend, people say I am bisexual. (I just can’t seem to win!) Why is it that a single man cannot have friends over for a simple card game or to play dueling harps without people thinking there’s something sexual going on?I am straight, and I am sick of all this ugly talk. What can I do to stop this vicious gossip?

(Adapted from Dear Abby)

Not a Good Look

Dear Irmo,

I am engaged to an amazing guy. When I was a little girl, my dad was involved in a really bad accident and was burned over a large portion of his body. He lost part of one limb and has some serious disfigurement. He has been a great dad and I never think about it. A few weeks ago, my fiancé started acting strange when we talked about the wedding. I asked him what was up and he avoided the question. Then his mom sent a messenger out of the blue and told me that she didn’t think that my dad should come to the wedding. She thinks that he will upset the guests and “traumatize” any children who might be there. She is suggesting that we have a private family ceremony before the big celebration. I got upset and my mom asked why. When I told her, she said that she and my dad understand, which only makes me feel worse. Maybe my future MIL has a point, but I would really rather disinvite HER than my dad.

(Adapted from Dear Prudence, 6 August 2013)

Now You've Spoiled the Cheese ...

Dear Irmo,

My husband, "Bingo," and I accidentally offended my mother-in-law, "Lobelia." Bingo's parents are very nice people but are pretty conservative. They had a party at their house a couple of weeks ago to celebrate my brother-in-law's name day and I offered to go over early to help cook and set up. We arrived to a seemingly empty house, which didn't surprise us -- Lobelia had texted to say we should let ourselves in since she and my father-in-law had some errands to run.

I immediately got busy in the kitchen and after a few minutes my husband came up behind me, started kissing my neck and saying some very graphic and sexual things. He does this often at home and as usual I was giggling about it.

Suddenly we heard Lobelia loudly clear her throat. Bingo jumped back, apologized and explained that we didn't know she was home. I hoped she hadn't heard too much but then during the party she was much icier to me than usual. I assumed it would blow over since we hadn't actually done anything, but she doesn't seem to be getting over it. I saw her last weekend at my sister-in-law's house and she barely spoke to me.

Bingo talked to her about it and she wants ME to apologize for us "violating her kitchen" that way. Apparently, Bingo's not at fault but I am, since women should know better while men can't help themselves.

That sexist attitude really bothers me and I am not inclined to indulge it. However, if this grudge of hers continues, it is going to make things very awkward. What should I do?

(Adapted from Carolyn Hax, 22 June 2019)

Prelude to an Oath

Dear Irmo,

I work in a small shop of a larger crafts guild. Since I’ve have been there, our master craftsman has run a very … I don’t know, everything just worked and everyone got along. But last year, that craftsman retired and recommended the daughter of a friend of his to replace him. She had just graduated as a master from a very prestigious university. There was no discussion of whether she was qualified; we thought that his decision must be great, and the other master craftsfolk concurred.

Her first week last summer was a dragon in a teacup, as she changed everything we did without asking why we did it that way. And yet, she was rarely there; instead she was “networking” with other master craftsfolk types in the area, and some were receiving parchments from our former master craftsman about how we were mistreating her. We do a lot of commissions, and she reported that many of our customers felt unwelcome at our shop. I actually asked a customer who is a member of my guild, and he reported that nothing seemed different. Still, we were asked to bring in lots of personal items to make our work areas more welcoming. Suddenly there were dolls and bows and lutes and other stuff everywhere.

We returned from Tarnin Austa break to find everyone’s cubicles rearranged, with all of our personal items in boxes, and many items were missing. Most things were there, and there was lots of exchanging, but my grandfather’s little cast iron dirk was gone. I was sorry to lose it, but I was sure it would turn up.

It just did. My best friend from high school was invited to a party at the home of his guildmaster. That guildmaster is a real bladesmith buff and showed my friend the cast iron dirk given to him as a gift last Tarnin Austa by my master craftswoman — with my grandfather’s initials carved/welded into the hilt.

Should I / could I pursue this? Or is it water under the bridge?

(Adapted from Ask a Manager, 2 August 2016)

Oiolonely

Dear Irmo,

I’m a lesbian. I’m also Vanyarin (which in my case means conservative) and married to a man. I thought getting married would resolve everything. But it hasn’t. It only complicated things. It’s unfair to my husband that I don’t love him. It’s unfair to my parents-in-law. And I wish I had the independence of being single.

I have had one lesbian relationship with my best friend which I can never forget and my heart still hasn’t mended. I watch Telerin musicals about LGBTQ people, and wish I had watched them before getting married. If I had, I wouldn’t have gotten married. I don’t know what to do.

(Adapted from Ask a Queer Chick, 18 May 2018)

City Cake Saga

Dear Irmo,

I had a small spree for my begetting day. It was supposed to just be my brother, roommate, boyfriend, and me. But my brother brought his new girlfriend, “Bíriel,” and her small sister-son without asking. Our apartment is on a busy lane, and our yard is not fenced in. It wasn’t fun. We had to keep an eye on the kid so he wouldn’t run off the patio. Bíriel was more interested in our decoctions than anything else.

My roommate got me an expensive cake. She was handing out slices when Bíriel pushed her over and tried to take a huge slice for her sister-son. I stopped Bíriel and told her to take a smaller slice, since the cake was very rich. Then I put the rest of the cake back in the larder. I told my brother he needed to get a handle on the situation, but he just told me to chill. When they left, only my brother said goodbye to us. Then my boyfriend looked in the larder and noticed that my cake was gone. I was pissed off and ran after my brother. They were still in the lane. I went up to Bíriel and demanded she give me back my cake. First she said she didn’t know what I was talking about. Then I saw the cake box on the back seat of the carriage and told my brother to give it back. Bíriel swore I had given it to her because “cake is for kids.” I called her a liar. My boyfriend and roommate followed me out, and my roommate went around the carriage and opened the door to grab the cake. Bíriel tried to stop her. The cake ended up on the ground. The kid started crying, Bíriel started swearing, and everyone went home mad. Bíriel claims it was an “accident,” but I believe my roommate, and she says Bíriel knocked it out of her hands. I want nothing to do with Bíriel ever again, and I am angry at my brother for bringing this witch and trying to defend her. Everyone in our family is appalled by what happened. I told him when Bíriel apologizes and replaces my cake from the same bakery then I will forgive her. He got angry at me because it was a 50-coin cake from the city. He told me I was being petty and unreasonable and that it was just cake. I don’t care. My birthday was ruined. This was the first time Bíriel met anyone in our family, and she got drunk and stole from me. This is a red war banner if there ever was one. I don’t think I am out of line here.

(Adapted from Dear Prudence, 6 August 2020)

Huh.

Dear Irmo,

There’s a person I like, who likes me back, who I would like to get into something with. The problem is that they’re not my usual kind of person at all, by which I mean I have pretty much only ever liked girls and he’s a guy. So that’s new.

I have basically zero idea how to handle any of this. I don’t really feel gay (how does gay feel)? I still notice girls. I have no idea how the sex would possibly work and I haven’t had any gay experiences so what if I’m terrible at it? But I feel a lot of things for him and one of them is very definitely in my pants.

Here’s my question I guess: Would it be awful of me to date him/sleep with him/hang out with him but just kind of not talk about it until I’m sure this is really a thing? I just kind of don’t want to do the whole dramatic coming out if it turns out to be… an idea and not really a relationship.

What if this just turns out to be a fluke? I’m young and I’ve never been into a guy ever, though I have dated a couple girls seriously and also had some hookups. Is it weird at my age to suddenly get into this guy?

(Adapted from Asking Bear, 29 September 2019)

Grave Error

Dear Irmo,

Three weeks ago one of my compatriots lost a kinsman. She has been off work on bereavement and family leave. Our commander isn’t happy with her being off for so long. Since it is out of his control and he doesn’t get to approve or deny her leave in this case (the HR guild is in charge of that) I have been doing my best to ignore him whenever he complains.

Last week my commander gave me a scroll with my compatriot's name on it and told me to leave it at the cairn of my compatriot's relative. He said it was a condolence card at first, but I didn’t buy it because our work had already sent a card. When I asked him about it again, he said it was a note with some work-related items only she knows about and he needs answers posthaste and she won’t answer her door when he calls upon her. He gave me directions to the cairn and everything.

Irmo, I hope you don’t judge me for this but I did what he said and brought the scroll to the grave. I don’t know if she has seen it yet. I am horrified and disgusted with this. I am disgusted with myself. My commander threatened my appointment if I didn’t but it’s still no excuse. I don’t even have a year of work experience not counting apprenticeships. I was scared of being fired and so I did it. But now I’m disgusted with myself and I don’t know what I should do about this. I imagine telling my commander off or telling his commander but I’m scared to actually do it. I wish I had never delivered the scroll but I don’t know what to do next. Any help or tips you or your readers have for me would be so helpful.

(Adapted from Ask a Manager, 8 March 2017)

Twincest

Dear Irmo,

My fraternal twin and I (both men) were always extremely close and shared a bedroom growing up. When we were adolescents we gradually started experimenting sexually with each other. After a couple of years, we realized we had fallen in love. Of course we felt guilty and ashamed, and we didn’t dare tell anyone what we were doing. We hoped it was “just a phase” that we’d grow out of, but we wound up sleeping together until we left for college. We knew this could ruin our lives, so we made a pact to end it. We attended schools far apart and limited our contact to family holidays. But we never fell out of love with each other, so after graduation we moved in together and have been living very discreetly as a monogamous couple ever since. I’m not writing to you to pass moral judgment on our relationship—we’re at peace and very happy. Our dilemma is how to deal with our increasingly nosy family and friends. They know we’re gay, and we live in a realm where same-sex marriage is legal, so we’re getting pressure to settle down. I feel we should continue being discreet for the rest of our lives and blow off their questions. It’s nobody’s business, and I fear they would find our relationship shocking and disgusting. My brother, though, is exhausted with this charade. He thinks that if we get the family together with a mediator to talk through the issues, they’ll eventually accept it. I think he’s out of his mind, but I also want to make him happy. Is this one of those times when honesty is not the best policy? If so, how do we get everyone to stop worrying we will die alone? I’m also concerned about the legal implications of this—would the therapist be required to report us to the authorities? Could we go to prison?

(Adapted from Dear Prudence, 16 February 2012)

Lighten Up, Manwë

Dear Irmo,

I work at an up-and-coming, high-flying, mid-range e-comm [Eagle communication] company that’s always felt very inclusive, fun, and positive. Most falconers are male and between the ages of 25-35, and are prone to ribbing and bets — “grow out your mullet for a year for a gold ingot,” that type of thing.

One of our employees bears a striking resemblance to the Manwë often portrayed in chintzy kid’s Ainulindalës: long wavy brown hair, soft eyes, big beard. Because of this, his unofficial nickname used throughout the company is “Manwë.”

I’m assuming he was involved in a bet of some sort, because today he walked in decked out in full vestments–long white robes, Valarin embroidered on the chest, sandals, Eagle pendant, the whole costume. A few people laughed, and he got right to work at his desk. Our head falconer walked right past him and didn’t bat an eye.

I’m a fierce proponent of free speech and believe there’s value in cheeky pokes at things we often put on pedestals, like the Valar. That being said, it seems inappropriate to me to lampoon a spiritual leader in a work environment.

What would you do? Am I being too sensitive?

(Adapted from Ask a Manager, 7 February 2017)

Except On Party Business

Dear Irmo,

About four months ago, the house across the street was sold to a “father and son”—or so we thought. We later learned it was an older man and a young fellow.This was a respectable neighborhood before this “odd couple” moved in. They have all sorts of strange-looking company. Men who look like women, women who look like men, Dwarves, Elves, Wizards. Yesterday I even saw two dragons go in there! They must be running some sort of business, or a club. There are unicorns, expensive carriages and even bicycles parked in front and on the lawn. They keep their shades drawn so you can’t see what’s going on inside but they must be up to no good, or why the secrecy? We called the police department and they asked if we wanted to press charges! they said unless the neighbors were breaking some law there was nothing they could do. Irmo, these weirdos are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of this once-respectable neighborhood?

(Adapted from Dear Abby)

Into the Woods

Dear Irmo,

I’ve recently been contacted by a journeyman in our guild who has heard that one of his subordinates has been regularly “cursing” both him and his daughter (who also works for our guild). By “cursing,” I don’t mean using foul language. I mean this subordinate considers himself something of a necromancer and has been literally putting curses on these people.

These people don’t generally put much stock in that sort of thing, but they are starting to get scared to work with this person (especially the daughter). Not exactly sure how to approach the “necromancer”…. Suggestions?

(Adapted from Ask a Manager, 26 July 2013)

Making a Skein

Dear Irmo,

My daughter-in-law enjoys knitting and crocheting. For her birthday, my husband and I gave her a generous skein of wool, for which she thanked us and seemed very pleased. Imagine my dismay, however, when six months later for our anniversary she gifted us with a lovely bedspread, which she told me she made with yarn from the skein! I told my son that we’d in effect paid for our own present and that he needs to communicate to his wife how improper and stingy this move was. He refuses, saying that her labor and time were also part of the gift. We haven’t spoken much since except to discuss our grandchildren, and our DIL has been outright cold. I’m considering writing her a letter directly explaining why this was an improper gift and expressing my sadness that her own parents didn’t teach her gift etiquette. My husband wants me to drop the whole thing and pretend like it never happened. Irmo, I don’t like the idea of moving on as if nothing happened.

(Adapted from Dear Prudence, 22 November 2018)

Dís-ingenuous

Dear Irmo,

So this question is … more just truly bizarre than anything. But recently, a coworker of mine has decided she is now Dwarven and has been regularly slipping into a thick Khuzdul accent — very Dís-ingenuous.

On one hand, I guess live your life. On the other hand, OH MY MAHAL, WHAT? It’s truly impossible not to notice and has been gradually noticed by hordes of people within the office at this point, yet nobody really knows how to even begin processing this new information. Do we just carry on as normal? Is this what life is now? I suppose it really isn’t harming anyone — but wow is it something.

To expand on this, though we can’t fully unpack what the reasoning behind all of this is — it feels a bit like a personal branding play. Thanks for indulging!

(Adapted from Ask a Manager, 30 May 2018)

Pub Grub

Dear Irmo,

My companion of many years and I live a few hours away from some of his family. When one of them plans a visit, she always insists on taking us out to a tavern for a meal. She doesn’t ask if we would like to eat out but rather “commands” it. Then she insists on paying for the meal.

I enjoy cooking and visiting with family during and after meals. I know what our dietary restrictions are, and most tavern fare does not meet those requirements, which include low salt, no honey or mead, and no chilis. According to my companion, I’m a good cook, and he enjoys everything I make.

I know I should say something, but what? I need a suggestion on how to deal with the situation without hurting anyone’s feelings.

(Adapted from Dear Abby, 8 November 2019)

Ghosted

Dear Irmo,

I know it’s pretty standard for queer women to remain friends with their exes, and I swear I’m not the jealous type, but my girlfriend’s girlfriend died under mysterious circumstances and she’s still haunting OUR house ten years later. I’ve tried to be polite, express my needs—even bring in exorcists—but I’m just not comfortable with how much time they still spend together. My girlfriend has admitted that she doesn’t tell me every time she sees her ex in dreams, begging her to help solve her murder, because I get insecure. We’ve talked about moving, but my gf doesn’t want to be “one of those women who abandons her friends whenever she’s in a couple.” Am I crazy or does it sound like there are still feelings there?

(Adapted from Ask a Queer Chick, 26 October 2018)