Bloody silmarils, book I by Dilly

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Chapter 12: Shut up and sand!

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"So, what is the agenda, Penlodh?" King Turgon asked.

"The smoothing of the hill of Amon Gwareth's majesty."

"What?!" exclaimed Egalmoth, the Lord of the Heavenly Arch. "But it is still not finished?"

"Three quarters are done," the king explained. "But the northeast quarter is still missing."

"Wait a minute," Egalmoth said, "How many years has this work been going on? It's been 150 years, hasn't it? What's with those copper fingolfins workers you've employed? Can't you ask them to work faster?"

"I tried," said the king. "But they have acquired rights and maximum working time per week..."

"Show them who's the boss, damn it."

Penlodh coughed and then spoke.

"I believe that if Egalmoth could, he would enslave all his employees."

Egalmoth had a scornful laugh.

"You can't stand the merchants anyway."

"That has nothing to do with it."

"Yet your father was one, you should remember that."

"That's not true... My father was not a merchant."

"I remember him in Valimar, with his... carpets. He gave them away for free, perhaps?"

The steward's cheeks turned red.

"He made carpets, but he didn't sell them."

"He exchanged them for chickens, it's the same thing."

"All right, that's enough," says Turgon. "If you want the work to go faster, Egalmoth, we can always use orcs. But in that case you will get orc work."

"So the agenda was: should we leave a projection in this part of the hill, or not? Duilin brought the plans."

But the respite lasted only a few minutes.

"And you know what he did next with his chickens? He traded them for jars of honey. I'm not telling you the traffic."

Turgon took his head in his hands.

"Such assertions..." Penlodh began.

"The thing about Penlodh is that by the time he get to the object in his sentence, you have time to finish the dessert and go and empty your bladder..."

"STOP."

"Majesty", Penlodh said at the time, "since Egalmoth seems so sure of himself... Why don't we propose to him to negotiate with the workers' unions?"

"Are you serious?" said Turgon.

"Yes, I am."

"A piece of cake! Let me take care of that and in a month's time your hill will be completely sanded down... like an egg. And above all, you'll stop breaking our jewels with it!"

Penlodh, the king's chancellor, had a slight ironic smile on his lips. He was savouring... because he knew what was going to happen.

 

 

The next day, on the north-eastern quarter of the hill, two workers among many others were working inside a gigantic scaffolding. 

The one on the left, the Noldo, was brown and muscular. The other, a Sinda named Thavron, was thinner in build and wore a wreath of spring flowers on his head. He did not rub the stone, but artistically caressed it with his hand.

"I love the stone... and it loves me... I enter into symbiosis with nature, so that my hand can perform the finest and most delicate sanding..."

"Rha, but shut up and sand!" said his neighbour on the left.

"No, no... On the contrary, I want to sing... I want to sing while I work!"

 

It is said that beyond the seas
Over there under the clear sky
There is a city
Where the stay is enchanted
And under the big green trees
Every evening
To her goes all my hope

I have two loves
My country and Tirion
By them always
My heart is delighted
My forest is beautiful
But what's the point of denying it
What bewitches me
This is Tirion, Tirion as a whole.
See it one day
It's my pretty dream
I have two loves
My country and Tirion

When on the shore sometimes
In the distance I see
A ship leaving
Towards him I reach out my arms
And the heart beating with emotion
Half voice
Slowly I say: "Take me away!"

I have two loves
…

"Are you all right, am I not disturbing you?" asked the foreman suddenly.

"Let's just say I had one more verse left," Thavron replied.

"Is this an approved helmet? " he asked, pointing to the wreath.

Thavron frowned.

"It's Friday."

"Let's be serious, Thavron. I have a problem with you. You've been on the same square metre of stone for a month. And you still haven't finished. So I think you'd be better off sanding with more energy instead of singing along !"

"The right to sing is enshrined in the Charter of Rights in Beleriand which was signed at the Mereth Aderdad," Thavron protested. "It is stated that in the case of monotonous and boring work, every elf has the right to start singing. Anyway, I'll leave you to it, it's four o'clock."

"And?"

"So, it's time for the crêpe break. We'll talk about it again in half an hour?"

 

 

 

 

At the same time, at the foot of the hill and the scaffolding, Egalmoth was in the middle of a discussion with another foreman, the chief foreman.

"Penlodh?" said the merchant. "But there's no one more unequal than this guy! To ransom the richest, ah that, he's the first, but as soon as it's a question of making the poorest work, there's nobody left!"

"You tell me we're not going fast enough," said the First Foreman, "but I assure you that we're doing our best given the legal framework we have in place."

"Wait... Why are three-quarters of the workers leaving their posts now?"

"According to the sundial, it's time for the crêpe break."

"The what?"

"The break where you eat a crêpe and drink a glass of milk or cider. It was the Sindar trade union that made this happen."

Egalmoth then saw a line of elves pass in front of him with a triangle of pastry filled with jam or honey in their hands.

"And the wreaths of flowers on their heads?"

"It is also an idea of the Sindar trade union."

"So, let's get things straightened out and make it clearer for me... How many breaks do they have during the day?"

"Work starts at 10 o'clock. At 11 a.m. there is a 20-minutes break for Valar prayer, but this is not compulsory. Finally, there is a compulsory break, but not for prayer. The workers can take a glass of cordial, to warm themselves up. Then work resumes until 1 pm. There, there is a two-hours meal break. See the building over there ? There is a large refectory and rooms for free activities. At the moment there is a novelty, the knitting course. Work starts again at 3 p.m. At 4 pm there is the Crêpe Break, until 4.30 pm. At 6 p.m. the working day is over."

"Are you kidding me now? They only work five hours a day? In Tirion, we worked forty!"

"But these were valian days, my lord..."

"I don't give a damn! What are these lazy slackers? Convene the unions now!"

 

 

 

 

Egalmoth sat on a high-backed chair in the hall of the Gondolidhrim Workers' House. The leaders of the three main unions soon arrived, looking suspicious.

The president of the SSCL, the Sindarine Solidarity Confederation of Labour, spoke first: "I am astonished that the king has sent you, a merchant whose sinister reputation is to practise a wild and unbridled capitalism."

"Huh? Firstly, I don't understand what you're saying, and secondly, you're going to moderate your remarks, because I'm one of the heads of one of the twelve noble houses of Gondolin!"

"So what?" replied the president of the NUU, the Nandorin Unitary Union, an elf with a green headband. "How did you win your title ? Explain to me in the name of what we should accept the decisions of aristocrats who were not elected by the elven people, and who most of the time were born with a diamond spoon in their mouth ? Is there a higher principle, written somewhere, that says that a person's birth gives him the right to govern the lives of others ?"

Egalmoth opened wide eyes.

"But what kind of bullshit logic is this," he murmured, wondering where he'd landed in.

He turned to the leader of the NWF, the Noldor Workers' Front, thinking he could find support there.

"You, I suppose, are reasonable, and you agree to parley."

The Sinda and Nando burst into a cold laugh, preventing the Noldo from speaking.

"So let me tell you that your attempts at racial discrimination..."

"Where is Penlodh? Why is he no longer our contact person?"

"Racial discrimination? I can't help it if your people are soft ragpickers who spend their time not doing anything and are still making wooden tree houses!"

"By Elbereth!"

The three trade unionists looked at each other and then left the room, furious.

"Come back, that's an order!" shouted Egalmoth.

In vain.

 

 

 

The next day, the First Foreman succeeded in getting the trade unionists back to Egalmoth. This time a table was set up, around which everyone took their seats.

"Good. I hope that we will be able to resume the discussion under good conditions. Let's start with working time... Five hours a day, or twenty hours a week, since Wednesday is a public holiday. That's not enough, the work is progressing too slowly."

"What are your proposals for increasing productivity?" asked the head of the NWF, the Noldorin Workers' Front.

"At least ten hours of work per day."

"Ten hours!" exclaimed the Sinda. "But we are not in Angband!"

"Already when they leave work at 6 p.m., it is difficult for our workers to have a fulfilled personal life, especially given the hardship of their task."

"Hardship, hardship... Please, your guys aren't Enerdhil's miners!"

"Do the same gestures for five hours, we'll see what condition your arms are in!"

"If 10 hours is really too much, then let's say 8 hours."

"Is this a joke?"

Egalmoth took a deep breath.

"I suppose that since this morning you have agreed among yourselves on what you have to offer me."

The First Foreman laughed.

"If there's anything you can't expect from them, it's to agree among themselves."

"No wonder we can't reach an agreement," replied the NWF chief, pointing to the Sindar, "half the time they are drunk."

"Rubbish! "exclaimed the President of the Sindarine Solidarity Confederation of Labour. "And you, the Foreman, the Oppressor, don't try to sow discord between us. We may sometimes have differences of opinion, but we remain united beyond partisan labels!"

"It makes me laugh," replied the foreman. "I know that you're the one who is sticking SSCL parchments all over the premises! There are even some in the toilets!"

"Speaking of sanitary facilities," said the Noldo, "there are big improvements to be made."

"I agree," said the Sinda.

"Me too", said the Nando. "There aren't enough of them, which causes queues."

"Do you want a measure to improve productivity? Here's one," said the head of NWF.

"Yes, and I would add that the marble used for the bowls is cheap marble that is very uncomfortable."

"OK, OK for the toilet if it saves time," conceded Egalmoth, "Anything else?"

"Yes, a significant number of workers would like to have music in the toilets."

 

 

 

 

Egalmoth was sweating profusely. He began to caress the bell of his blue mantle (a large diamond) to try to keep his calm.

"So we're cutting back on the pauses, then. Do you realise that between the lunch break and the crêpe break there is only an hour and a half of work?"

"This is out of the question! The introduction of the Crêpe Break is a major social breakthrough! We can't go back on such an achievement!"

"I agree!"

"So we're cutting back on the lunch break."

"...And digestion?"

"The mental well-being of an elf requires a two-hour lunch break. Studies have been done on this subject. The meal is an indispensable moment of socialisation. Moreover, to be in full possession of his means, the worker must have had time to digest his meal."

"In Tirion we ate on the run and didn't piss off our world!"

"In Tirion you had the two Trees, here we're freezing!" replied the Sinda.

"And then you need time to digest the digestif, otherwise you'll still have workers falling from the scaffolding!"

"Rather, there will be Sindarin workers falling from the scaffolding", specified the leader of the Noldor Workers' Front.

 

 

 

 

Three days later, Egalmoth returned to King Turgon and gave him, without a word, a list of the reforms decided upon.

"So, let's have a look at it..." Turgon said. "The end of the day is set for 5.50 p.m... A new sanitary building is to be built. The marble of the latrines will be changed. Barrel organs will be installed there... And hand massage sessions will be offered in the Gondolindrim Workers' House... Well, such a wonderful result. I think you agree to leave this task to Penlodh in the future."

Egalmoth nodded his head and left the room, still silently, without noticing the SSCL parchment that a trade unionist had hung on the back of his coat.

 

 

 

Notes:

- The song is © Joséphine Baker.
- I hope there are no grammatical errors in this translation...

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Chapter End Notes

- The song is © Joséphine Baker.
- I hope there are no grammatical errors in this translation...