Arda Marred by Ulan

Chapter 1

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"Some held that [love not returned, the only cause by which sorrow entered the bliss of Aman] came from the marring of Arda, and from the Shadow under which the Eldar awoke; for thence only (they said) comes grief or disorder. Some held that it came of love itself, and of the freedom of each feä, and was a mystery of the nature of the Children of Eru." -- Laws and Customs Among the Eldar, Morgoth's Ring, J.R.R. Tolkien/C. Tolkien

As had now become habit between the two of them, Elrond sat back comfortably in his usual seat in Ereinion's back garden, watching as the other laid down their usual things for tea. The former high king's abode was now a mere one-bedroom bungalow near the edge of a cliff, overlooking the Sea, vast and seemingly endless even for Elven eyes. In the distance, wisps of clouds seemed to approach them, blown in by the same wind that touched their faces.

"Your sons have arrived," said Ereinion conversationally as he took his seat. "You must be relieved."

Elrond smiled at him, although it is a small one, and his eyes were downcast and distant as one lost in thought. He took his cup, already filled with tea. "I am relieved," he finally said. "For a while, we feared for Elladan. Many of us thought he would not sail, and even I resigned myself to perhaps seeing again only one child out of three when the time came."

"What do you think made him sail?" asked Ereinion.

As if this was exactly the question he was waiting for, Elrond sighed. He met Ereinion's gaze, and the other could see that he was troubled despite his earlier words. "Truthfully? I believe he did it for Elrohir." His gaze drifted to the blue waters below them. "I worry still that he might regret his decision, for such things should not be made for the sake of another. I have yet to speak with him about it though, for the past few days have thus far been spent in reunions and celebrations. What ever their feelings may be with the choice they made, they are both relieved to see their mother again."

"And Celebrían? How is she?"

"She is well," answered Elrond. "It has been all about Elladan and Elrohir ever since they arrived. It is only recently that things began to settle. The boys are now out meeting old friends, I believe, while Celebrían is with Erestor, keeping him company while Glorfindel visits family."

At the mention of the two advisors, Ereinion smiled. "It was good of them to stay and wait for your sons. And I see that our friends were wise enough to follow through with what we all at the time saw in Lindon but never named. When did you say they married?"

Elrond looked at him strangely, but answered all the same. "A little after my sons were born. Those were days of peace, felt after so long. It was good for them, for such a time allowed them to be more honest with one another."

"For a long time I feared that they would not," said Ereinion with a small smile. "They were Elves of the First Age and I understand it can be difficult to cast aside the influence of the old ways."

Elrond raised an eyebrow at this. "You were in support of them even then? I did not know."

Ereinion looked at him. "Of course, I supported them. They were clearly in love. Why would you think me against such a thing?"

"It is just that you are also, as you called them, an Elf of the First Age. It is not a judgment upon you as an individual, only as one of that generation. I was born a little late in the age, but I knew enough what people at the time thought of such unions.

"Gondolin, being a realm closed off and with limited territory, did not hold much value in the bearing of children. Although not encouraged, such unions were at least tolerated, if only for the opinion that it was just as well, as at least no fruit shall come from such things. However, Glorfindel knew that outside of their city it was still heavily frowned upon, and so was careful when he joined us in Lindon. As for Erestor, I do not believe he meant to hide; it is just that he is discrete by nature. It was only that we were at war that he distanced himself from Glorfindel when they met, which the other unfortunately took as rejection."

"They were insufferable, the two of them," laughed the former high king. "I remember how often they argued. Erestor had such a tongue on him, and Glorfindel was much too soft of heart to remain indifferent, although at the same time he kept taunting Erestor. And yet ever did Glorfindel follow him, as a moth cannot help but approach a flame. I envied not your position as their mutual friend and confidant. They spared me, fortunately, due to my position, although even I could see them dancing as plain as day."

"I did not know you saw and thought all these," said Elrond with some wonder. "It is why I stayed my tongue although we were good friends then, for Glorfindel and Erestor were both in high positions, and I did not wish for any of you to be compromised. You did not agree with the old ways?"

"Strong was its hold on us all, but no, I never agreed with it, nor did I understand the prejudice." Ereinion shook his head. "Look at my cousin and predecessor, for one, who braved Thangorodrim in secret to save one for whom all hope had already been lost and whom everyone else had forsaken to his doom. How can anyone claim that what love led him to such a fool's errand was inferior to others by virtue of the hroä's form alone? It is ridiculous that even as a high king he could not take whomever he wished for a spouse. And for what? To avoid offending the ignorant sensibilities of a people who wanted heirs from their kings?"

"Of course, theirs was a story more complicated than this," said Elrond. "I would argue with you that it was not so much what people thought but also Maedhros' own choices that led them to their fate. Even here, Fingon has long been reimbodied, but still he waits for him whose sins were too great to be healed so quickly."

"Three ages," supplied Ereinion. "But you are also correct. Be that as it may, had they only been but two ellyn, without any oath or curse upon the one's head, do you think they could have been together? Even then, I say nay, not at the time. They would not have been allowed, and it would have given them far too many enemies at a time when they needed all the allies they could keep."

"There I cannot disagree," said Elrond with a sigh, which Ereinion also did in turn.

"It is a shame that we sometimes have to pay a price for such simple things," said the former king. "Those who are fortunate enough to not be in such predicaments can even easily take them for granted. Some say that what business is between two Elves is theirs alone, and that as long as such things are not displayed for all to see, it could be tolerated. Still, recognition is a powerful thing as much as hiding such strong regard is poison to the soul. No one ought to hide. I would have had it accepted in Lindon, especially in light of my two advisors evidently on their way to it. But then we found ourselves at war; that, at least, is equal in its contempt for all forms of love. Other matters were pushed aside for more dire concerns."

"You were a good king, Ereinion," said Elrond with a smile. "A kind one, who understood and respected each one of his subjects. You may not have succeeded in passing such a law, but that the intent was there in the first place counts for something."

It was a compliment, but this, for some reason, made Ereinion frown. For a long time he was quiet and did not look at Elrond.

Eventually, just as Elrond was about to inquire about this sudden change in mood, he spoke. "You think it noble of me, that I would be sympathetic to this because I am a kind king, or a wise king. There I must stop you, my friend, for my sentiments, I confess, may also be construed as biased and self-serving. How can I be opposed to something if, in opposing it, I would be turning my back on my own self? I see no wisdom in accepting less than the fullness of who I am.

"Did you not know that I loved you in Lindon?"

There was a clutter of porcelain and metal as Elrond dropped his teaspoon. "What?"

Ereinion looked back at the other for a long time, clearly troubled.

"I see," he said later in a low voice. "You did not know. No wonder you looked confused by my sentiments. I do not know if that is a relief to me, for long have I thought that you did know, and chose merely to ignore it."

The look of shock still had not left Elrond's face. "Ereinion..."

"Peace, Elrond," said the former king in a placating tone. "Nothing is expected of you, and I am your friend. More importantly, I am a friend of Celebrían's - a true one, in which I mean that I do not hold for her any ill will. I resent her not for being your wife, and there is nothing that is hers that I maliciously covet or intend to take for my own." He sighed, shook his head. "I apologize; this must have then come as a shock for you."

"It has," said Elrond, steadily finding his voice. "Forgive me if I should have seen it."

Again, Ereinion shook his head. "Perhaps I had only hoped you did. Now that I think about it, you were much too loyal and likely would not have thought it of me. Will your opinion of me now change, I wonder, now that you know this about me?"

"What do you mean - that I would judge you for your preference, or think ill of you for looking upon your subordinate with such regard?"

Ereinion frowned. "I never thought you were my subordinate. You were my successor, for the Valar's sake. But, for the sake of the discussion: both."

"You must not think so highly of me if you think I would judge you harshly for such things. For the first, I tell you: I wed Erestor and Glorfindel myself. I was happy for them." Elrond then averted his eyes. "Even for the second, I cannot judge you. You were a high king, yes, but you were your own person, too. I thought people often forgot that about you, that you were the same just like the rest of us, with hopes and desires much like any other."

Ereinion smiled at him. "You have always seen and understood me more than any other, and allowed me an identity apart from my title. A king's crown is a heavy one, but it seemed as if people preferred that their king does not show it, and the person beneath the crown is even of less interest to them. You, at least, did not seem to mind, and I appreciated that beyond words." He sighed. "Forgive me. It is not you I doubt. It just makes it easier sometimes to expect the more unfortunate things, just so one could prepare for them should they, in fact, occur.

"I know some look upon those in the same plight as me with pity. They wonder how it can be that it is our nature to take in mates, but that there are those with regard unrequited such as mine." He chuckled. "A feature of Arda Marred, I believe is what they call it, a product of Melkor's dark intent, for only from it must such a tragedy come to pass. It seems that is always the conclusion when someone asks why certain things are allowed to happen. And this thing, they cannot imagine how it can be anything but horrible, a twisted torture, to be saddled by such feelings and not be able to express them."

"Are you saying that it is not so?" Elrond asked, skeptical.

Ereinion shook his head. "Oh, it is horrible, and cruel, and difficult for one to be in such a position. Even now..." He hesitated, but only for a moment. "Even now I see you in my mind's eye from time to time. It could be that I saw you with your wife earlier in the day, saw how you held her hand and kissed her hair, and I would wonder how that must be like, to be so close and familiar with you, to be the subject of such affections."

Surprise came briefly to Elrond's face, before he averted his eyes again.

Ereinion saw this, for he was watching and waiting for his reaction. When he asked his question, it was with a voice just above a whisper. "Is it so abhorrent that I think of you thus?"

"Nay," Elrond said, though he still did not meet his companion's eyes. "Only unexpected. I am... surprised." For a long time he was quiet and seemed deep in thought. He looked at the waters below them, his hair blown about by the breeze. He did eventually turn back to Ereinion, though it did not seem as if he found what answer he sought in his own mind. "You began this speech as if you do not agree with those who judge your situation as horrible. I find, however, that I agree with them, for I cannot imagine feeling... feeling the way that you described for a person and to not be with them."

Ereinion caught the pause in Elrond's statement and smiled. "You spare me; you do not have to. You may say Celebrían's name, and you may say that you love her, as you have said to me many times before. It was what was on your mind, was it not? You cannot imagine what life would have been like if you loved her the way you do and not be able to touch her, nor could you imagine having to watch her in the arms of another.

"I will not wish this on any other, I admit, but I believe the few of us who find ourselves in this place can still find beauty in it all the same. It is... constant, a source of comfort, a part of you just as any other form of love defines each of us. On my better days, I can find contentment in the knowledge that at least my choice is a good one. Few have I met with hearts kinder than yours, with more capacity for compassion. Nor have I also met anyone wiser. It does not even surprise me that you could be a great healer despite having also the hands of a warrior. Both things should be contradictory, but somehow you manage, and do well in both."

These, at least, brought a smile to Elrond's face, though it was a bemused one and he shook his head. Ereinion laughed and simply shrugged, for everything he said was true. He said, "All I am saying is that if something must cause me grief, it might as well be for the sake of someone worthy.

"Now, at the same time, being unrequited, these things do test the limits of your patience, and in this and even similar situations, we can discover things about ourselves that we might not have otherwise known. In losing, while the path to bitterness is the most obvious of roads, there is a path more narrow and more difficult to take, but it leads to a well of kindness and understanding that you might not have thought was within you in the first place. Love is a strange thing, I discovered, and sometimes you could surprise even yourself with your own reactions.

"For instance: I used to visit the realm of Vairë just to see her tapestries. It is how we here know what events occur in Middle-Earth. It is how I knew you married, had children, two of which were just like you and Elros. Long it seemed was the time it took me to come to terms with the knowledge that you are forever sundered from me, that my love is now hopeless. Yet, at the same time, I was happy for you. Curious, that love can thrive still even through such things, for it did not die on the day you married. I would come to look at the tapestries still, and lived with you each day. It is how I knew that you did find happiness for many years, and how I knew that you also experienced great sorrow in Middle-Earth.

"My reaction to this came to me as a shock: I mourned with you completely and absolutely when Celebrían sailed. I shed many, many tears for you at the time, for I knew the heartbreak of being so sundered with the one you love. Yours is worse, I believe, for she loved you in return, and you knew of her love and felt the joy and warmth of her embrace. I would have gone mad myself had I been in your place, to know that love that I so covet, only for it to be so cruelly taken away. I realized then that I would rather see you with another and be happy, than for you to live the way you did when Celebrían left.

"I do not know if Celebrían told you the story of how it is that we became acquainted as we are now here in Aman. Do you know?"

"I confess I do not," said Elrond. "I had not questioned it, for the news came to me as a source of joy. You are important to me, as is she, and that you became friends was a great comfort to me. People often do not question such things."

Ereinion smiled. "Fair enough. Let me tell you, then. I met her on the shores the moment she arrived. She must have been so confused, for never had we been great friends, though we knew of one another in the Second Age. But I took her in my arms as I would have taken my own sister, and cried with her. Oh, how she cried that day, for in leaving you she felt she failed you, and thought herself inadequate, or her love inadequate, for her failure to prove to you that nothing could separate her from you."

"I did not know this," whispered Elrond, a great sadness now coming over his face. "Celebrían never told me."

"She made her peace with it, I believe," Ereinion said. "It is what Valinor does. As one born to Middle-Earth, she did not know the ways of Aman. I showed to her the tapestries from which I watched you, and we would go together everyday. I believe it just as well that she had company, for the images we saw would have been painful to bear alone."

"Her sailing was a cause of grief to us all," said Elrond, remembering that time, and how difficult it had been to heal the wound of Celebrían's leaving. Everyday Elrond feared for the lives of his sons, and each day that he passed Arwen's empty rooms weighed heavier in his heart. For many nights he could not sleep, and he must have dried his eyes from its well of tears crying for Celebrían, whom he could no longer feel in his fae the day after she sailed.

"I know, my friend. We saw. But you did all live again, and found happiness somehow, and this came as a relief to her. It was also around this time I think that she figured it out. She told me one day that I paid too much attention to the corners of the pictures where your face was weaved in, and that she recognized the look on my face, for she knew she wore it on her own face ever since your wedding day."

Elrond's eyes widened at this. "Celebrían knows?" he asked.

"Of course, she knows," laughed Ereinion. "I would not have you meet me this way otherwise, for it would be disrespectful to her."

"And yet she allows us to meet."

Ereinion sighed. He did not meet Elrond's eyes when he replied. "She trusts you, and I believe she trusts me, too. Somehow, I also think she pities me. Just as I felt some kinship with her by virtue of loving you, so do I think she felt it for me, too. She must wonder at what it must be like for me, just as I wonder what it must be like for her."

"Stop, Ereinion." True distress was now on Elrond's face, marred with lines of pain so rarely seen in fair Valinor. "I cannot listen to this. You speak as if you would let her pity you. But to allow one's self to be pitied, one must believe himself to be inferior to another, and you are not. You can never be, not to anyone."

"In terms of my overall worth, no, maybe not. But in terms of this, in your eyes and heart? Celebrían must take first position, and so in this I am inferior. Do not attempt to protect me from it, for I know it, and have made my peace with it."

"How honest are these feelings, Ereinion?" asked the Half-Elf sternly. "I know people attempt to cope by voicing things, forcing things, although they are not yet there. I will not have you lie to me, and I will not have you making me think that you are all right, only to find later on that I wound you with my actions because I thought that you would not mind them."

"In this world, one of two opposing things must always yield," said Ereinion. "We know two things: on the one hand, you are married to Celebrían and such unions can never be broken, nor would you wish to, as you love one another; on the other hand, there is also the truth that I love you. Here, I think it obvious which will yield."

Elrond sighed. "It is logical, I give you that. It is in the execution for which I worry. How will this yielding be done?"

"By clinging to dignity," said Ereinion. At Elrond's sigh, the former high king smiled. "You are saddened, but you know it is true. Often, when one is left with no other options, the best way to resign is to just do so in a manner that would let you leave with as much as you are able still to take. I choose your friendship and Celebrían's, for their value to me is beyond what my words can describe. Furthermore, you would wish to do it in a way that leaves you with as much of you intact, for it is easier then to pick up the pieces right after." Ereinion chuckled at the look on Elrond's face. "I see you worry, my friend. I appreciate it, and yes, it takes time. Even now, I cannot say I have fully healed. Some days are more difficult than others, but this is my burden and not yours. All that is required of you is to forgive me if sometimes I refuse you and Celebrían when you invite me over for dinner."

"How can you find it in yourself to feel such things? To just... let things be?"

"To just let myself lose at something so crucial to those who achieved it, you mean? I see your happiness, yes, all of you with your mutual mates. Worry not for us, my friend. The heart, I found, is stronger than we expect, resilient and more generous when the need is dire. I would not have survived otherwise, and likely faded even here in fair Valinor. I know this is also difficult for you to hear, but I suggest you just accept that you cannot help me in this. Consider yourself an unfortunate casualty, if it helps."

Elrond leaned back in his seat, clearly weary. "Do you ever wish to be free of it?"

"I have held it for so long, I do not know how I can be completely free of it, save that I forget you entirely. Memories, however, are the curse of the Eldar, and they stay with us until Arda's end. But even if I could, I would not make such a choice. I woud never wish to forget, and that, I believe, should tell you somehow of the choices I make in regards to this. I am no victim of yours, Elrond, and to continue to watch you is as much my choice rather than a mindless act of compulsion, although many would claim that acts of love are so. Some things just come easier and more naturally, but always there is choice. You need not worry. Although, I suppose, I can be honest in saying that the loneliness gets tiresome on occasion."

Elrond sighed sadly. "What of the possibility of loving another? Do you seek it?"

"Seek? No. Perhaps it will come, but I do not seek it." He laughed, a brief huff, which did not reach his eyes. "Will you think it foolish, that I do not seek it because I believe that to do so would be unfaithful to you? Nay, let me clarify. It would be unfaithful to what I feel for you, for I feel it strongly still, and I do not wish to tarnish that with denial and forced seekings." He waited for a response, but none immediately came. "Come now, Elrond. It is the height of folly, what I just said. I give you permission to mock me."

Elrond, however, seemed to grow even more frustrated. "How can I?" he asked. "How can I, when I cannot help but be in awe of you? And I cannot help but also feel regret... oh, but that, too, is the path of folly. But I see now that this is no subject for humor, although you say things in jest once or twice. I cannot help but think what a waste it is for a love such as this to be so neglected. Honesty, recognition of its existence - I hope only that these were discussed now so you may heal, for such things are done in the path of healing. I do love you, Ereinion, more than you probably think, and I wish you happiness, though you are right in that it cannot be with me."

Arien was now barely visible in the horizon, her light glowing red and lengthening the shadows around them. Tilion, however, was nowhere to be seen. It would likely be a dark night.

They said their goodbyes, for they have reached that point in the day when they must part. Celebrían would be waiting, and Elrond was never late in coming home.

"Good night, my friend, and thank you as always for having me," said Elrond as they stood now face to face.

"Today was a little different," said Ereinion. "Perhaps it will be a while yet before we should meet again."

Elrond sighed at this suggestion, but did not protest. He turned to leave, but just as he was about to step foot on the pathway that led back to the main village, he heard Ereinion call him back again.

"Elrond, there is something I wish to ask." Ereinion approached but stopped maybe ten steps away. "You need not answer if it is against your wisdom to do so. Back in Lindon, I thought you knew, and thought your silence as rejection and lack of hope, so I did not approach you." He paused, and he looked torn between two thoughts. "Ai, it is foolish to even ask this. I lied to you, you know - about your wife knowing, I mean. Or maybe not so much as lie as there was something I ommitted. Apart from what she saw in me, she once confided that in another place, another time, she could see that things could have unfolded differently for you... had I been quicker, more brave. Had I secured you to me, she said, even if I died still in that world, you would have sailed to me. She claims to have listened to how you would speak about me, even after my death, and seems to imply that had I taken a chance with you, my case would not have been as hopeless as I thought it was.

"Large is your wife's capacity for kindness, and in this I see how you suit one another. She is a strong woman, too, to even consider such things and let them play in her mind. And where others would have seen a threat in me, she instead saw the goodness in you and chose to believe that you will remain faithful to her, and believed even in me, thinking that I would not dishonor you.

"But tell me, for I cling to nothing anymore nowadays save for truth, no matter how painful: what she said, is she right?"

Elrond looked at Ereinion for only a little while, regarding him thoughtfully, before he turned his gray eyes to the sky and the Sea in front of them. Strong was the Sun's light even at its setting, casting the skies now in purples and reds. He sighed.

"Perhaps. Had I known about you, or if I had not met her when I did, she could be right." He looked at the clouds and the clashing colors that streaked the sky above and around them. As if in afterthought, he concluded, "Ai, what a mess."

Ereinion's lips twitched; it was almost a smile, but it twisted and failed at the last moment. He, too, sighed a deep sigh. "I see it now," he whispered, looking out to the vast sky and Sea. "Arda Marred, indeed."

---

Chapter End Notes

(1) There are several themes that I played with in this story, many of which are near and dear to my heart. I hope at least some of them would be apparent. I fell in love with the quoted paragraph at the beginning of the story the first time I read it, and I have always wanted to write something around it. It just took a really long time to come out.

(2) My biggest frustration as a huge fan of Elrond and being primarily a slash shipper is that I really, really want to see him with Ereinion Gil-galad. I think they make a really awesome (not to mention sexy!) duo, but I cringe at the thought that any happy ending for these two logically leads to Celebrían suffering Miriel's fate. Plus, in canon, there is that blasted line about Elrond sailing to join Celebrían. So, fine! I relent and let Elrond and Celebrian have their eternal marriage - except you know, I apparently cannot let Ereinion rest. For one, I am immensely fascinated with characters that were written as without wife and child, especially if it is said that to take mates is the way of Elves. I think if there is any space in Professor Tolkien's world for same sex marriages, it is in those things. Fingon's case and the later revision of him being childless (and not Ereinion's dad - God, Christopher!) was, really, just delightful fodder for the Fingon/Maedhros camp. Next to them, though, Ereinion is the next most fascinating case, especially since he was a king.

Oh well. Sad kings exist, too, I guess. Come to think of it, does it not seem as if all the high kings had tragic love affairs? They should start a group - Heartbroken Kings Anonymous, lol.