Beren Stinks by Sinneahtes

P.U.

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It was a dark and stormy night. (Except that it was actually daytime and the weather was perfect, but anyway...) A hairy, smelly, dirty man covered in muck and ticks trudged on through the mucky, tick-infested landscape--what Luthien saw in this guy, Eru only knows (one can speculate she was just really pissed off at Daddy Thingol for giving her Odor Eaters socks for her birthday instead of that stereo system for her horse that she'd asked for, and here was her revenge), but he was on an Epic Mission, and Luthien was hot (because she's a female Elf, and a female Elf's primary purpose is to be hot), so he had to trudge on. A bunch of Elves hiding in the trees were staring at him like, "Eew, that guy smells like a sick warg and looks like he just took a bath in grasshopper spit," but let him pass. That ring he had on looked pretty spiffy. And, of course, nobody wanted to touch him if they caught him. Though they wished he wouldn't hold the ring aloft--it exposed his armpits to the world and the consequences of that were rather painful.

All lifeforms too near to Beren wilted and died from his stench, and various solid substances melted or crumbled as if a very strong acid had been poured over them (complete with dramatic hissing and shreiking noises), and the entrance to Nargothrond was revealed to him.

Finrod saw the ring, but did not need it to recognize the son of Barahir. Apparently B.O. of that magnitude ran in the family. The two sat behind closed doors (at everyone else's insistance) and talked. Finrod felt dizzy and distracted and found himself nodding a lot, but not really listening. Obviously, he agreed to whatever Beren asked because of this.

To make a long story short, they went on a quest and stuff. Finrod really shouldn't have bothered to save Beren from the wolf, because that wolf would have had instant major stomach problems just sniffing Beren before eating him. And when Beren died and went to the Halls of Mandos and Luthien followed and begged his release, Mandos, with tears in his eyes and trying to breathe through his mouth, agreed. There were no showers in his halls, and he feared that if Beren stayed any longer, too many other spirits would refuse his call after death.

So Beren and Luthien returned to life, but couldn't be seen by anyone else. If you can't guess why, I probably haven't done a great job of beating it into your head that Beren totally reeked. Luthien had a special clothespin designed for plugging her nose, which the Silmaril was set into. But everyone else said the Silmaril was set into some necklace, because nostril-plugging clothespins don't sound as "epic fantasy" as jewelry.

The End.