A Great Ocean by Cirdan

A Great Ocean

Elros went down to the harbor to be alone, but as he neared the Sea, he realized that it was not solitude that he sought but Cirdan the Shipwright. Although it was still early morning and the sun had barely risen, the Shipwright was already awake and seemed to have been for some time. He was engrossed in the building of another ship. Most of the shipwrights had been lost in the Sack of the Falas, and more had fallen in the War of Wrath. But it seemed to Elros that even if Cirdan had many shipwrights to aid him in his work, still the old Elf would wish to personally toil on the swanships of the Grey Havens.

Elros stopped some distance from the shore and turned to leave. Cirdan was busy. He would not wish to hear his problems. A gull wailed in the quiet morning and flew overhead. Elros looked up to see it circling about him. He covered his head; these birds could be wicked. The gull seemed to laugh and then flew inland.

"Good morning, Master Elros." Elros jumped and spun around. Cirdan was practically next to him.

"Cirdan!"

"I'm sorry to startle you." Cirdan bowed slightly. "You're up early." Cirdan put a hand on Elros's back and steered him towards the shore. "Were you drawn here by the Sea?"

"No, Lord Cirdan," Elros said. "I am yet new to these Havens and wandered here by mischance. I will return to town for breakfast." Elros began to turn eastward again, but Cirdan stopped him and laughed. Elros marveled that the man should be so full of joy at such an early hour of the day.

"Stay, Elros," Cirdan said. "I would enjoy your company and will repay your kindness by preparing breakfast for you."

Cirdan led Elros to the very edge of the Sea, where the swanship awaited completion. Before the ship and timber was a small campsite with a pot of stew already over the fire. Cirdan rekindled the low fire and served Elros some of the sharkfin soup when it had warmed. There were also rice cakes and oranges. It was a simple meal, but Elros certainly didn't complain. He had eaten worse in the days of Morgoth's Reign, before the end of the First Age. Besides, even the simplest foods of the Falathrim were flavorful and delightful to the palate.

"So what troubles you, young Elros?" Cirdan said after Elros had eaten.

"It's nothing," Elros said a bit too quickly. Cirdan raised an eyebrow. Something about the Shipwright's pleasant disposition despite all of the trials of the First Age made him seem like a good confidant. Or perhaps Elros was simply desperate to talk to someone. At last, Elros said, "I can't seem to ever say the right thing. I think Gil-galad is upset with me. Maybe he's been upset with me for a long time, and it only came up recently when Elrond took his side." Elros felt like a young child who wanted to curl up in a dark corner and cry though he'd already reached maturity by reckoning of the Elves.

"You've only slept for little more than two hours. It's affecting your judgment," Cirdan said.

"Maybe. I was always told that I was too sensitive," said Elros, who wondered how Cirdan knew how many hours he'd slept. "But why am I always too sensitive?" Elros's tone became more agitated as he continued. "Why aren't insensitive people ever charged with not being sensitive enough? By Mandos, don't any of these people think about my feelings?"

"Well, when both parties are hurt, it is often difficult to see the other side."

"It's not just about the other side," Elros said hotly. "Even Elrond thinks I erred in critiquing Gil-galad's leadership. 'Good leadership takes a lot of time and effort.' It does indeed, so I also put a lot of time and effort into my criticism of Gil-galad's leadership. Everyone is acquainted with everyone else, and no one is on my side. That's the problem with a tight circle of friends. Then, when trying to be diplomatic, Gil-galad brings up my past comments about the use of Quenya and tells me that I should be more careful because I seemed 'egocentric' and 'self-serving.' Fine. I was honestly trying to help, then as well as now, but if someone is going to willfully misread my intentions, and if everyone concurs with his opinion, than I might as well leave. Maedhros once said, 'That's when you find new friends.'"

"I suspect that Maedhros's words applied to an entirely different situation." Cirdan put an arm around Elros and pulled the younger man to him. Elros balked at first, then he leaned his head against the Shipwright's shoulder. "Even those who claim to be able to take criticism are sensitive to it. I don't think Gil-galad is as upset as you think he is. He angers quickly, but he also moves past these temper tantrums quickly. I'm not saying that he was right necessarily, but you must realize that he reacted in an unstable mindset."

"That's fine. I know that Gil-galad is dealing with a lot of other work stress; the kingship is no picnic. I'm fine with it. I'll feel bad about it, lick my wounds, then come out again. But it seems to me that this touches on a bigger issue." Elros looked westward. Maglor had spoken of perfection in Aman before the discontent bred by Morgoth. Elros could not imagine such a land of harmony, a time when the no one was jealous of another's possession and all the people toiled happily to enrich the greatness of Arda. He believed that Maglor was exaggerating in his nostalgic love for his childhood homeland.

"I'm no longer a child," Elros said more to himself than to Cirdan. "I am not a sycophant. I will not simply agree with anything that the King says. I have my own opinion, and at last I am old enough and assertive enough to voice that opinion. But a great ocean divides my opinions and Gil-galad's. I will forgive Gil-galad, as I said, but this will not leave me. I do not have the freedom to criticize the King as his close friends do, as you might. Fine. I value his friendship and we will continue to be friends, but I will be more cautious. And someday, when his opinions differ too radically from mine, when he stops listening to me in favor of those who agree with him, when he does not compromise sometimes for me as I do for him, then I will leave this land." His voice fell to a hush. "I think I understand why Feanor left the Blessed Realm."

"We can never know," Cirdan said wistfully. "I do not believe that the Blessed Realm is as restrictive as you now imagine it to be, but perhaps it is because my personality differs greatly from yours. I am not so willful. I advise the King but I do not challenge his authority."

"I suppose, then, that you are also on his side," Elros said softly. He hadn't meant to say that aloud, but he couldn't help it. No one was ever on his side. He was alone.

"Nay, Elros," Cirdan said. He looked at Elros with his sea-grey eyes. "You think that I do not understand because I counsel you to make peace between yourself and Gil-galad. That is not the case. I have watched Gil-galad since his childhood, and so I know his faults as well as his strengths. I will not turn a blind eye to his faults, and I readily admit that his great will may conflict with yours, for yours is also a great fire. When the time comes, if you find these lands of Gil-galad intolerable, then I will help you." Cirdan smiled wanly. "Besides, it is better that I aid you than that you come to steal the ships of the Falathrim."

"That was a bad joke," Elros said as he made a face, but even as he did so, he felt better.

Cirdan smiled more brightly as he saw Elros's heart lighten. "But that time is not yet here, Master Elros. I ask that you put aside this dispute and renew your friendship without bitterness."

"Yes, my Lord." Elros wondered if the happiness was but a cloud for the sorrow that laid in the Shipwright's depths. Has he seen what will pass? In time, will I refuse to forgive Gil-galad for his slights because he will not forgive mine? "Teach me the art of ship building," Elros said aloud to Cirdan. "I will feel less trapped if I know that I have a way of escape."

"A great ship needs a great ocean. Right now, you are only a lake." Cirdan smiled and nodded at the unfinished swanship nearby. "I will teach you to set sail."