Finding Lost Family by chrissystriped

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Chapter Fifteen

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Sharû woke from a knock and rolled around with a groan.

“Yes?”, he croaked and sat up, his knees protested indignantly against every motion. He wrapped the sheet tighter around himself when Ecthelion came in. “What are you doing here?”, he asked, feeling panic rise in him.

“Matil tipped me off that it was your turn yesterday. I wanted to see how you are.”

Sharû groaned and hid his face in his hands to not have to see the worry on Ecthelion's face.

“Leave, please.”

He had asked them to meet him in an inn because he hadn’t wanted Ecthelion to see him like this. It was one of the new houses they had helped the Angband-Elves build.

“Sharû...”

Sharû shook his head. “Please. Wait downstairs, I’ll come, just... get out now.”

Ecthelion didn’t say anything to that and Sharû sighed relieved when he heard him leave. He stifled a moan when he stood up, the thought of having to walk to the pier later made him feel faintly sick. But first he had to talk to Ecthelion and he didn’t look forward to that, either. He knew that his friends had only wanted to help, but that didn’t really make it better.

The shirt chafed on his sore back. He washed his face to wake up a little more – he really could have used a few hours more sleep – and limped down the stairs, glad that it had a sturdy handrail. His bruised knees would have buckled without something to brace himself on. Ecthelion walked up and down the empty seating area, Sharû’s stomach growled at the smell of frying eggs and bacon from the kitchen.

“I took the liberty to order you breakfast”, Ecthelion said when he saw him. He looked uncertain. “If I overstepped the mark by coming here, I’m sorry for it. Can you explain to me why it is so bad that I'm worried for you?”

Sharû sighed and tried not to limp when he walked to a table and sat, although everything hurt.

“Orcs don’t show weakness, ever”, he said when Ecthelion had sat down across from him.

“What does that... oh, it makes you feel uneasy if I see that you are hurt?”

Sharû nodded silently. He didn’t want to talk about it, but he saw that there was no getting around it. He was glad that breakfast was served that moment and gave him a few minutes more. Ecthelion waited silently while he ate, Sharû could see that the wheels were turning in his head.

“What do you think will happen, if you let show that you are in pain? That you lose my friendship?”

“Your respect”, Sharû answered. “There is... was no friendship for us. Camaraderie, yes, but different from what it means for you. I was colonel, Mormirion appointed me, but that wouldn’t have done me any good if my men hadn’t respected me." Things had changed since then, but some old customs stuck, they were ingrained too deeply. "Strength is respect and part of it is to bear pain uncomplainingly. It is rude to comment on someone’s injuries especially if they are from a punishment, it can be even seen as a challenge. What you did, says in my world: ‘I think you weak.’”

“I’m sorry, Sharû! I... I didn’t know that.” Ecthelion looked pleadingly at him. “I didn’t mean it like that, please, don’t be angry.”

Sharû sighed and almost felt bad for feeling the way he did. He didn't want Ecthelion to think they weren't friends, but... this was so difficult.

“I’m not angry. But I don’t want you to coddle me. I can deal with this alone.”

Was he being too harsh? He didn't want to push him away, but he didn't want him to ask anymore about his injuries, either.

 

Ecthelion had a lump in his throat. He’d only wanted to help but somehow he’d insulted Sharû with his worry.

‘You don’t have to deal with it alone’, he thought but didn’t say it, because he was sure that Sharû wouldn’t like it.

“But... I’ve heard you complain about sore muscles!”

Yes, he had known that orcs respected strength, but he’d only seen it from the viewpoint of an outsider, he hadn’t realised how much it permeated their culture.

“That’s different!” Sharû rubbed his neck. “That was just banter. No one would take that seriously. That’s not really pain.”

Ecthelion shuddered. “Does that mean the worse you are injured the less you are ready to admit it? And now I’m not supposed to worry? But you had healers, didn’t you? You did let them treat you?”

“Yes, of course!” Sharû sighed. “But healers were... outside of the hierarchy.”

Sharû pushed the empty plate away and turned on his chair so he could stretch his legs. Ecthelion could see him wince and wondered what had happened, but he knew better than to ask now.

“Healers didn’t have a military rank, they were healers, they couldn’t contest anyone’s status. To get treated by a healer wasn’t defamatory.”

It was so foreign, this attitude. It wasn't that he had never seen injuries downplayed to impress people, but to deny being in pain so completely... to see a question about one’s well-being as challenge... It went over his head.

“Fine”, Ecthelion said. “I’ll accept that this is a part of your culture, I won’t ask again.” Although he’d have very much liked to know if Sharû was fine and what they’d done to him to make him limp like that. “But I want you to understand, too, that you could never lose my respect or friendship by admitting to be hurt. I hope, you’ll feel like you can confide in me if you ever need help.”

Sharû looked wordlessly at him for a long time and Ecthelion couldn’t read his expression.

“I don’t know, Ecthelion”, he finally said in a soft voice. “It isn’t that I don’t trust you. I do. I trust you more than I’ve ever trusting anyone but my family. But you are not part of my family. You are my friend and for you that means that we can confide in each other, but I’ve never had anything like that before outside of my family. It is hard for me.”

Ecthelion tamped down on the impulse to say: “I’d like to be part of your family.” It wasn’t the right time for it and he wasn’t even sure if Sharû would view a sexual partner as part of his family anyway.

“I’m sorry”, he said instead. “I didn’t want to bring you into a trying situation. Are you angry with me?”

Sharû reached out and squeezed his hand. “No”, he said gently. “I’m just not in a good mood. I intend to travel back to the Island today, but maybe you’d like to visit me one of these days. We could hunt together and I promise I’ll be more cheerful then.”

Ecthelion nodded, smiling in relief. He didn’t want to feel like they’d fallen out. “I will. And now I’ll leave you.” Although he was still reluctant about it when he didn’t know how hurt Sharû really was.

 

Ecthelion was sitting in the garden, reading a novel that he quickly slipped between the armrest of the wicker chair and his thigh, when he heard voices. He didn’t care if his mother saw what he read, but he didn’t want to have to discuss his choice of books with her friends. He relaxed a little when he realised that both the voices were male and he recognised Indo. So it was probably a visitor for him. He shot up and ran to meet them when he recognised the elf.

“Glorfindel!”, he called and embraced his friend.

He had known that he was rehoused and had sent him a message to visit once he found time – he’d felt the need to see him the moment he’d heard the good news, but he hadn’t wanted to be intrusive, Glorfindel surely was busy at the beginning of his new life.

Glorfindel returned the embrace affectionately. “Ecthelion. How are you?” He looked at his scarred skin. “Your eye...”

Ecthelion shrugged. “I’m almost blind on that side, but I’ve got used to it. It doesn’t hurt anymore. How are you?”

They sat down and Indo served them white wine.

“I’m not completely... here, yet, if you can understand.” Glorfindel gave him an apologising look. “It’s so strange to be alone in this huge house...” He shook his head. “I’m just trying to find out what I have to do to get all the landholding back.”

“If you want, I can help you. I have a little experience with getting the property of homecomers back, though not with something that large.”

Glorfindel smiled at him and although he looked tired, his smile was as radiant as he remembered it. “Yes, I heard you’ve been busy. And you’re still good for some wild rumours...”

Ecthelion laughed. “For other reasons than before, I assure you.”

“But always good for a scandal! That matter with the orcs...”

Ecthelion sighed. “Do we really want to spend our first meeting after fire, pain and death arguing my choices?”

He could understand him, Glorfindel had fought them, had given his life to save the fugitives. Of course he wouldn’t feel friendly towards orcs. But Ecthelion was just back from the promised hunt with Sharû. They had camped in the forest and talked late into the night. Ecthelion had amused him with stories about his youth. They had shot a deer and because it was hot and the hunt had made them sweat, they had jumped into the forest lake afterwards – from the steep bank. Ecthelion smiled at the memory of Sharû’s incredulous face, when he’d suggested it. He didn’t feel like listening to the doubts of others right now.

Glorfindel raised his eyebrows. “I didn’t mean to argue, your judgement is usually sound. And I know that look. Please, tell me it is not the orc. Egalmoth says you see him a lot.”

Ecthelion felt his face heat. Damn. He’d forgotten how well Glorfindel knew him.

“You’ve met Egalmoth?”

“He wasn’t as restrained as you with visiting. But don’t try to sidetrack. If it's him, I want to know.”

“Sharû is...” Ecthelion sighed. “Sharû is my friend. A very good friend, but nothing more.”

Glorfindel stared at him. “But you’d like it to be more! Valar, Ecthelion!” He leaned his had back and groaned. “To think that I was called mad because I spent time with a servant.”

Ecthelion grimaced. “I’m sorry about that”, he said. “It was wrong to look down on Mablung, I know that now. I wish I could take it back.”

Should he tell him what had happened to the boy? He shook his head. Not now. Glorfindel looked surprised.

“You really are different.”

“Angband will do that to you.”

“Sorry, I didn’t want to remind you.” Glorfindel squeezed his hand. Ecthelion saw his throat move when he gulped and his voice was husky when he continued: “I thought you were dead – when we fled. Had I known that you are alive, I’d never have left you behind.” Glorfindel had tears in his eyes and Ecthelion embraced him.

“It’s not your fault”, he said softly. “I was injured badly. I wouldn’t have had the strength to run. And... it was a dark time – being a slave – but if I hadn’t been there... my people needed someone like me after the war.”

“And still so modest!” Glorfindel laugh was a little shaky. “But I saw the many new houses and if only half of what I heard about you, is true than you did a lot of good.”

Ecthelion smiled because Glorfindel’s words showed clearly that he was on the Angband-Elves’s side.

“I’m doing the best I can.”

“Will you tell me about it? What you did in the last years?”

“Sure.”

Ecthelion poured himself more wine and leaned back. He wasn’t afraid of Glorfindel’s judgement, he was as sure of his friendship as of barely anything else.

 

“I can’t believe that there are people who make life even more difficult for you”, Glorfindel said a while later. “It’s dishonourable.”

Ecthelion shrugged. “Don’t think I’m not angry about it, but that’s how people are. They think us weak and somehow tainted by our experiences and many people who don’t despise us outright feel embarrassed by our past. They don’t like to think about what happened to us. But we are doing well, by now most of us are financially independent and those who don’t – maybe some never will – are supported by the others. That’s how it was, that’s how it is.”

“If you need money...”, Glorfindel started. Ecthelion shook his head. “You take care to settle in again, but thank you for offering. Arafinwe supports us with money as do some others and my mother ‘encourages’ her friends and acquaintances to buy from Angband-Elves who have shops. She’s been a great help to us.”

Glorfindel nodded. “What does she say to you helping orcs?”

“Oh, she got used to the idea.”

“I can’t say, I already have... and much less that you make eyes at one of them, but I suppose I’ll have to. Does he know that you fancy him?”

Ecthelion shook his head. “I don’t know how he’d react. He was dependent on my goodwill for a long time, I didn’t want him to think...” Glorfindel opened his mouth and Ecthelion said irritable: “Yes, I know I might have exploited such a situation in the past. Where does persuasion stop and rape start? I’ll never again have sex if the consent of my partner can be doubted in any way.”

“Both of us weren’t guiltless of that", Glorfindel said with a grimace.

“Yes”, Ecthelion smiled wryly. “But you noticed much early that it isn’t good. Be that as it may, I didn’t want to risk Sharû getting my intentions the wrong way. And then there’s the fact that he was brought up so differently. They aren’t as different from us as we believed during the war, but they think differently in some points and I don’t know how they view sex between men if both are free.”

“And you like him too much to risk it. It’s not like you to worry.”

Ecthelion shrugged embarrassed. “He means a lot to me. I don’t want to risk losing his friendship.”

“You surely know better than me how high the risk is”, Glorfindel said gently, “but I’d advise you to tell him. Or at least feel him out. You are good at that!”

Ecthelion laughed. “Yes, I was.” He was a little surprised at Glorfindel’s words. “Do you want me and him to get together?”

“You like him a lot, I can see that. And I don’t know him. I won’t judge him prematurely. I won’t try to talk you out of it.”

Ecthelion embraced his friend tightly. “Thank you”, he whispered.

How he was looking back on Glorfindel’s relationship with Mablung now, didn’t change how he’d acted back then. Glorfindel would have had every reason to make this hard for him. Glorfindel rubbed his back.

“It’s okay. I hope you’ll introduce him to me. As friend or as lover.”

“I will.”

“Did you... did you hear anything about Mablung?”, Glorfindel asked, his thoughts clearly on the same track as Ecthelion's and Ecthelion felt a cold weight descend on his chest. “He wasn’t in the Halls and the webs didn’t show me anything about him, they told me it wasn’t my business.” Glorfindel’s tone of voice told Ecthelion clearly what he thought about that. “I only know that he must have survived the ice.”

Ecthelion gulped.

“If they didn’t tell you in Mandos, maybe I shouldn’t say anything either...”, he said haltingly. Glorfindel gripped his shoulders.

“So you know something!” His voice was excited – excited and fearful. “Ecthelion, please! You have to tell me! You know how important this is for me.”

Ecthelion nodded slowly. “I don’t know, where he is now”, he started. Yes, he knew that Glorfindel had blamed himself his whole life for losing Mablung on the ice. “He isn’t among my people, but I saw him in Angband.”

Glorfindel’s fingers dug into his shoulders. “He was... he was Morgoth’s slave. I don’t know what happened to him after the Valar’s victory. He must have stayed in Middle-Earth.”

Glorfindel closed his eyes. “Oh, Valar!”

Ecthelion caressed his hair. “I’m sorry”, he said softly. “I wish, I’d have better news for you.”

“Did you talk to him?”, asked Glorfindel, his voice rough with feeling.

“No.” Ecthelion licked his lips. “Morgoth kept him close. He didn’t have contact to us work slaves.” He watched Glorfindel pull himself together.

“I just hope he’s fine, whatever he’s doing right now", he said, his voice trembling.

“I’m sure he is.” Ecthelion didn’t say anything of how broken some of his people were and the things that had been known about Morgoth’s tastes. He didn’t want to make Glorfindel feel worse than he was already. “So... let’s go riding one of these days?”

Glorfindel smiled bravely and nodded. “Yes, I’d like that.”