Finding Lost Family by chrissystriped

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Chapter Eighteen

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Glorfindel was a surprise to Sharû. He'd been nervous since Ecthelion had persuaded him to meet his best friend, but he hadn’t needed to be. Glorfindel treated him with a warmth that made him relax immediately. He asked him about life on the Island, their relationship with the Solosimpi and teased Ecthelion about keeping silent so long – Sharû gathered from his words that he’d been interested in him quite a while longer than he’d been knowing.

It didn’t seem to disturb him at all that his best friend had taken an orc as his lover. Sharû even found that he could answer the question how Ecthelion and he had met without feeling too bad about it. Glorfindel made him feel like he could say nothing that would make him look bad.

“You would have fought weaponless against armed soldiers?”, Glorfindel asked Ecthelion, an awed look on his face and Sharû agreed with him. Ecthelion had been awesome standing in front of them, ready to sell his life dearly with only a stick in his hand.

Ecthelion shrugged as if it were no big deal. “It is one thing to cower in order to survive, but I didn’t intend to let myself be slaughtered like cattle and a few others thought the same. We were lucky that Mormirion and Sharû had something else in mind.”

To Sharû’s surprise Ecthelion seemed embarrassed. Was it the topic? Sharû squeezed his hand and Ecthelion gave him a smile before he seemed to come to a decision and said to Glorfindel: “Why are you so damned nice?”

Glorfindel laughed. “Feeling guilty, Ecthelion?”

“Yes, damn you!” Ecthelion hid his face in his hand. “I was such an idiot.”

“I admit, I thought about bringing the booze and suggesting a drinking game”, Glorfindel said with a wide grin. Sharû frowned in puzzlement, they’d lost him there. “But I thought, Sharû is probably much more able to hold his drink than Mablung was and...”

Whatever else Glorfindel was saying was drowned out by the rush in his ears. He knew that elf names didn’t usually repeat – sometimes, but not often – how probable was it that it was the case here? Sharû felt cold sweat run down his back. He couldn’t say, but he knew Glorfindel would stop being so nice as soon as he found out what he’d done to his... friend? lover?

“Sharû?”, Ecthelion looked worried at him. “Are you okay? You look pale. Don’t worry, you don’t have to get drunk.”

Sharû laughed shakily. “No, I... I’m fine. It’s nothing.” He tried to calm down.

“Did I say something wrong?”, Glorfindel asked and the worry in his voice made Sharû feel sick with remorse.

He shouldn’t keep it from him, if he’d been Mablung’s friend. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it. He shook his head but he could see Ecthelion going through what had been said and the moment when he realised why he was so upset.

“Valar! You know the name”, he groaned.

“I knew him”, Sharû croaked because he didn’t want to lie outright, dread curled in his belly. What would Glorfindel do now?

Instead of lunging for him or challenging him to a duel, an excited look came to Glorfindel’s face.

“Do you know what happened to him after the war? He seems to have vanished.”

Sharû shook his head. “I knew him when he was brought to Angband, but then he...” He fell silent because he really didn’t want to be the one to break the bad news to him.

“Glorfindel knows that Mablung was Morgoth’s slave at the end”, Ecthelion said gently. “I recognised him.”

Sharû breathed a little more easily. Sure, he was still one of the people who’d raped the boy, but at least Glorfindel already knew the worst thing.

“I don’t know what happened to him”, he said. “But maybe Mo can tell you more. I know that he talked to... Morgoth”, a shudder ran down his spine, it was hard to call him that – a death sentence in Angband – but he didn’t want to call him his king any longer, he wasn’t anymore and that was a good thing. “Mo talked to Morgoth before he was locked up in Mandos and I know that Mo had a soft spot for the b... for Mablung. He might have asked him about him.”

“Mormirion was Sharû’s superior, he was the Maia who saved our lives and now he’s one of Aule’s again. I know him pretty well because he makes an effort to help the Angband-Elves”, Ecthelion said. “He’s not a bad guy, I could introduce you.”

Glorfindel nodded. “Thank you, Ecthelion, that would be nice. Sharû?” He licked his lips. “You... did you know Mablung... well?”

Sharû had a lump in his throat as he answered: “He was a slave in the part of the mines I was in charge of and... I’m not sure you really want to hear more than that.”

He didn’t want to tell him how he’d abused the boy. Ecthelion squeezed his hand and Sharû felt even more ashamed, he shouldn’t have to comfort him because he regretted his misdeeds.

Glorfindel was silent for a long time, just staring at him, Sharû squirmed.

“I think it is going to hurt to hear this – a lot – and I can see that you don’t want to talk about it, but please, tell me what you can. I was in love with him, here in Aman before the Darkness. He wound up in Angband because I didn’t take good enough care of him. I owe it to him to hear this.”

Sharû took a deep breath. “He was... strong-willed. I know that sounds strange when I say at the same time that he submitted to us, but he didn’t break and that’s strength of will.” He couldn’t look at Glorfindel so he lowered his eyes to his lap where his hand still lay in Ecthelion’s. “He had to mine for ore and if he didn’t fulfil his quota, he was punished – cruelly. He was so thin... the rations the slaves got were not enough – even when Mo and I slipped him something in addition sometimes, because he...” Sharû tasted bile. “Because he was such a good slave.” He closed his eyes, but it only made him see Mablung, his eyes wide with fear. “Do you need to hear more? Do you need to hear in detail how I raped and abused him because I saw it as my right to use the slaves as I wished?”

Remorse was pushing its sharp claws into his intestines and it was hard to keep his voice from breaking. He'd never taken for granted that the boy was complaisant, but he had taken for granted, that he could have him. He'd ignored his conscience to live out his desires.

“I’m sorry", he whispered, uncomfortably aware that he was showing this stranger much too much of his feelings.

Ecthelion took his hand in both of his and rubbed his knuckles comfortingly but didn't say anything knowing he'd feel uncomfortable if more attention were drawn to his feelings.

Glorfindel didn’t say anything for so long that Sharû finally made himself throw a quick look at him. His pale skin had a green tinge, he looked like he wanted to throw up.

“I know that he...” Glorfindel gulped. “But to hear it...”

“I understand if you hate me now”, Sharû said softly although he feared what that would mean for his and Ecthelion’s relationship.

Glorfindel rose so abruptly that Sharû winced. “I can’t... Ecthelion, will you excuse me?”

“Of course.” Ecthelion sounded sympathetic. “I’ll bring you to the door.” He squeezed Sharû's hand and murmured. "I'll be back in a moment", before following Glorfindel outside.

 

Glorfindel was trembling when he accepted his cloak from Indo and Ecthelion embraced him.

“I know how hard it is to hear this, my friend”, he murmured. “But please, don’t hold it against him.”

Glorfindel leaned his forehead against his shoulder and laughed desperately. “Not as hard as to live through it, I think, but you can judge that better than me. I couldn’t appreciate until now how much it must have cost you all to forgive them. How can you share his bed when you know what he did? When you suffered this, too?”

Ecthelion shrugged. “I live in the present and Sharû is a good one, despite having done horrible things in the past.”

“I liked him – before he said all these things. I’m not sure if it isn’t my duty to take revenge for Mablung’s suffering.”

Ecthelion took Glorfindel’s face between his hands and looked deeply into his eyes. “Do you not think this is exactly the reason why you weren’t allowed to see this part of the webs? Mablung is alive. He might not be here, but he is alive and he is no longer a child. Leave the decision if he wants to take vengeance on Sharû to him when the day comes that they meet again. I know you have a lot of feelings right now, but it is not your task to decide this for him.”

Glorfindel took a deep breath and nodded. “You might be right. Don’t worry, I won’t ambush your lover. You are my friend and I can see that you are wildly in love, as hard as that is for me to understand considering your past.”

Ecthelion kissed his cheek. “I understand your pain and I thank you. Do you still want to talk to Mormirion or should I ask you for him?”

“If he agrees, I’d like to meet him”, Glorfindel answered and Ecthelion nodded.

“I’ll write him today and let you know as soon as I hear from him. See you soon, Glorfindel, and don’t blame yourself too much. What happened on the ice was not your fault.”

Glorfindel smiled sadly but he nodded. “I’ll do my best. See you soon, Ecthelion.”

Ecthelion waited until the door had closed behind him before walking back to Sharû who looked at him with pained eyes.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to get you into trouble with your best friend!”

Ecthelion shook his head. “I’m not in trouble with Glorfindel.” He stepped behind him and laid his hands on his shoulders, kissing his crown. “It was good of you to mention Mormirion. The uncertainty about Mablung’s fate has been a burden on Glorfindel’s shoulders for a long time. I think, it would be good for him to know anything certain about his whereabouts”, he said softly.

“I feel so guilty”, Sharû answered. “He was almost a child and I didn’t care.”

Ecthelion could feel the tenseness in his shoulders and started to massage them.

“Can I ask you how it comes that you remember his name? Glorfindel didn’t notice, but isn’t that a little unusual? I was rarely ever asked my name.” He knew it was a tough topic for Sharû. “I’m just curious, you don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.”

Sharû relaxed a little into his touch.

“Mablung was... special”, he said after a while. “He was the first elf who told me he can see the elf in me.”

“Really? You can’t have treated him so badly then.”

Sharû turned around to him and stared at him. “I raped him! And so many others, too. And it doesn’t matter at all, if I was nice about it or not. Rape is rape!”

“That might be true", Ecthelion sighed, "but I know you wouldn’t do something like that now. You and your men made amends and we forgave you. I can’t give you absolution in Mablung’s name, he can do so only himself.” He caressed Sharû’s cheek. “But he isn’t here. If you would take my advice, don’t let things you can’t change darken your life. Worry about it, when the time to meet him again comes. You did bad things, but you didn’t have a good life yourself and you deserve to be happy now.”

Sharû kissed his cheek. “Thank you for saying that. Sometimes, when the past comes up, it is hard to believe that.”

Ecthelion walked around the armchair and sat on Sharû’s lap, pulling his head to his chest and caressing his hair. He knew how hard it was for Sharû to show feelings that he thought made him weak and how ashamed he must feel to show it.

“If you want me to leave, tell me”, he said, remembering vividly that morning at the inn. Sharû shook his head.

“I’m not afraid to show my feelings to you anymore”, he said and leaned into his touch. “It feels good to be able to confide in you.”

“That makes me glad.” Ecthelion rubbed his neck soothingly. “I’m here for you, always.”

 

“What was this about a drinking game?”, Sharû asked sleepily, Ecthelion’s caresses had him pleasantly relaxed.

Ecthelion laughed embarrassed. “Glorfindel and I were partners in crime, we had a reputation when we were young. Mablung was a servant in the palace, worth nothing more than a fling in my eyes back then.” Ecthelion grimaced. “You aren’t the only one who’s ashamed about their past. Anyway, I could see that Glorfindel was seriously in love with him and I was jealous that he spent so much time with him. I invited him to one of my parties and made him drunk to make him look like a fool and prove to Glorfindel that he wasn’t worth his time. Glorfindel was furious with me.” Ecthelion shrugged. “I thought he might pay me back now that I chose an unconventional lover, but he’s too nice for that.”

“You were a vain lot, weren’t you?” Sharû chuckled. He couldn’t imagine Ecthelion like this, he treated no one condescendingly.

“Yes, long ago.” Ecthelion smiled wryly. “People change. You and I, we are better than we were. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t look back and learn from our mistakes – that’s what makes change possible – but if you let the shame about your past dominate you, you can’t do anything to make up for it. Do you understand?”

Sharû nodded. “Yes, I think I do.” He kissed Ecthelion gently and allowed himself to be happy that they could be together.