The Book of Short Tales by Lyra

B2MeM '19 - The Good and the Bad

Young Aragorn discusses Noldorin history with Erestor, touching upon matters of good and evil, tough choices, and how to deal with mistakes.

Responding to various B2MeM prompts:
On the Fëanatics card, 072 (Fëanor: saviour of Middle-earth), I18 (In Beleriand... freedom fighter), B14 (The war of Telerin Aggression) and I25 (Knight in shining armor);
on the Person vs. Self card, I16 (peer pressure), I24 (making tough choices) and N44 (self-doubt);
on the Emotions card, N44 (amusement);
and on the Mary Oliver 1935-2019 card, G55 (perfect imperial distance).

The young fellow had been sneaking around the library for a while, staring at him from afar but turning towards the bookshelves whenever Erestor looked openly in his direction. Eventually, the counsellor decided to address him. Estel looked vaguely guilty when Erestor approached; in fact, he gave the impression of considering running away, which did not seem like Estel at all.
Erestor frowned at him. "What's the matter, Estel? Why are you hiding here in the dark? Have you misplaced a book, or are you planning some mischief?"
Estel shook his head. "I would never! I just... ah, never mind."
The counsellor's stern face softened. "Come on, it can't be that bad. What's troubling you?" Privately, he thought that it must be very troubling indeed, for it wasn't like Estel to hide behind bookshelves or to avoid giving a direct answer. Estel seemed to be chewing on his reply, but a last he managed to get it out. "I've been reading about Fëanor," he explained.
"Oof," Erestor said. "Not exactly a matter for light bedtime reading. And now you're having nightmares?"
"No," Estel replied with some scorn. "I have questions that I wanted to discuss with Master Elrond, but he is still in the Hall of Fire. So I'm waiting here until he goes out."
Erestor raised an eyebrow. "You could wait until tomorrow. It is probably going to get very late."
"I know, but the questions have been keeping me awake."
Erestor sighed. "And talking about them will keep you awake even longer, no doubt, since I expect they aren't simple questions." Estel shrugged. Erestor studied the young man earnestly. He found it hard to judge Estel's real age; he seemed simultaneously much younger, and yet more mature than his years. Following a sudden impulse, Erestor suggested, "Would it help you to discuss the matter with me? I know I am not Master Elrond, but maybe I can still help you to put these questions to rest - at least until the morning?"
Estel smiled. "That is very kind of you, Master Erestor, but I would not want to keep you from the Hall, either."
"That's quite alright," Erestor said cheerfully. "I was just looking to do some quiet reading. I can do that anytime."

They sat together in Erestor's study, a pot of tea between them, the curtains open to overlook the lantern-lit courtyard. "So," Erestor said, handing Estel a cup, "what about Fëanor has been keeping you awake?"
Estel breathed in the steam without drinking. "Well, the thing is this," he began. "I know that Fëanor was evil, alright? That's not it. He's not a hero in shining armour. He shed a lot of blood and caused more bloodshed even after he was dead. I understand that. But nonetheless..." He paused. "Promise you won't kick me out if my questions are too bad?"
Erestor blinked. "I cannot imagine that they are bad enough to warrant that," he said, "and at any rate it would not be my decision alone!" Seeing Estel chew on his lip anxiously, he spoke more gently, "Come on, out with them. I promise we won't kick you out so easily."
The anxious look didn't quite leave Estel's face, but he nodded.
"What I've been wondering," he said, "is this. Fëanor did all these wrong things. But if he hadn't - if he had obeyed Manwë's messenger - if he had turned back - if the Noldor had stayed behind - then who would have fought Morgoth? Because the Elves in Middle-earth weren't doing it either, not even Thingol who was more powerful than the others. And my people - mortals, I mean - who would have looked after them? The Lindar hated them and the Sindar hated them, so they'd probably all have been overrun and corrupted by Morgoth. Or killed." He took a deep breath. "So the Noldor had to come back to Middle-earth. So the Valar were wrong, and Fëanor was right. Wasn't he?" He gave Erestor a worried stare. "Are you going to kick me out after all?"
Erestor, whose face had taken on an increasingly bemused look at Estel's sudden barrage of words, very nearly laughed. "Estel, if I thought that the Noldor should not have come back to Middle-earth, do you think I would be sitting here right now?"

That clearly gave the youth something to think about; his mouth fell open, and he stared at Erestor no longer in fear, but rather in awe, as if he had not previously considered that the events of the First Age, ancient history to him, were within living memory for the Elven counsellor.
Erestor smiled. "Like most matters where actual people are concerned, this is a lot more complex than 'right' or 'wrong' can cover," he said. "I agree with you; it would not have been right for all the Elves to remain in Valinor, to leave Middle-earth unprotected and undefended against the rage of Morgoth. He would have turned all of it into his dominion - maybe even Doriath, though Melian might have held it for a long time - if he had not been distracted by the returning Noldor; and he would certainly have brought your ancestors under his power, if he had not killed them outright. In that light, Fëanor was right to insist on leaving Valinor. The Valar should perhaps have sent us back of their own accord, but I suppose they loved us too well and wished to protect us. Perhaps they should have gone themselves, but they were afraid of the damage they would do. So they chose to do nothing: to keep a perfectly peaceful distance, imperial and impartial, to watch from afar and let Morgoth do as he would. I must accept that they did what they felt was best, but I cannot claim to agree." He lifted his cup to his lips and drank, watching Estel's face, inviting the young man to comment; but Estel was in turn watching him avidly, waiting for him to continue. Setting his cup down, Erestor went on, "But the return to Middle-earth, even though it had to be done, still should have been done in a different way. We should have attempted further negotiations with the Teleri, or we should have built our own ships, or we should have gone on foot right away, as most of us ended up doing anyway. Attempting to steal the ships was wrong, however right it was to get to Middle-earth. The first kinslaying was a direct consequence of our impatience. The Teleri shot the first arrows and cast the first blows, but they would not have done it if we had not attacked their havens. We cannot justify that by saying that ultimately, Middle-earth needed us. Do you understand?"

Estel nodded, still awestruck. "So you mean that people can be right and wrong at the same time," he said, "about different things - or maybe even about the same thing, in different ways."
Smiling, Erestor agreed, "That is indeed in our nature. It is very rare that somebody is wholly evil, just as few people manage to be purely good."
At that, Estel frowned. "But you are good, and Master Elrond is good," he said, "and I am told my parents were good, too."
"I am flattered," Erestor said. "And yes, I do my best to be good. And therein lies the key: One has to choose to be good. Nobody is born wolly good or wholly bad. Goodness is a choice, and we must make it every day. Sometimes it's an easy choice because you have no reason to do something bad, but as you grow up, you will find yourself in situations where it is tempting to choose something that is wrong. Maybe it is the easier path, or maybe you think you cannot achieve your goals in another way, or maybe the wrong choice is simply tempting and glittering. At such times, being good is hard work. Remember that. Goodness does not come from nothing. Both goodness and badness lie within the freedom of Ilúvatar, and you only become a good man by choosing to do good things."
"I shall remember," Estel said. "And I thank you. For listening, and for not telling me that I'm horrible to have these thoughts."
"On the contrary, I think that it is a very good thing that you're having these thoughts. It shows that you are thinking beyond the simplistic patterns that we teach to young children. That will be important - on your own way, and also when you sit in counsel or judge the deeds of others. Master Elrond will be very proud of you when you speak of this with him."
"You think so?" Estel sat up proudly; but then his brow creased in another frown. "But what if I fail? What if I cannot always make the right choice?"

Again, Erestor found himself studying the youth, wondering at how swiftly time seemed to have passed for him. "You are right," he said, "that might happen. Good intentions are fine, but mistakes can happen to the best of us. Sometimes we are weak or misled. That, too, is within the freedom of Ilúvatar."
"That sounds awfully dangerous," Estel said. "As you said, people can be weak or misled. I certainly feel weak sometimes. And I don't always know enough to know what's the right choice. And sometimes I do things because my friends do them. But I don't want to make mistakes!"
"You will," Erestor said. "You will, and I pray that they may only be light mistakes, but it may well be that they are serious mistakes - though not, I hope, mistakes as grave as Fëanor's." He leaned ahead conspiratorially. "Do you know what's the most important thing is about mistakes?"
"Learning from them?" Estel suggested.
"Learning from them! Indeed! Understanding why they happened, and then making sure you don't repeat them. And you know what else is important?"
Estel shook his head.

Erestor reached out and took his hands. "That you don't give yourself up," he said. "You will make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes. Small mistakes, embarrassing mistakes, or even awful mistakes. But when you have made a mistake, don't let that mistake define you. Learn from it, take responsibility for it, make up for it if you can, and above all, don't forget that you can still be a good person. If you forget that - if you think that your mistakes have made you bad - then you will no longer strive to do better, and you will end in despair, and people will later say that you were evil." He gave Estel's hands a gentle squeeze. "Don't give yourself up. Even if somehow you come upon an evil path - which I think is unlikely, but nothing is impossible in this marred world - you can still strive to make your way back towards good."
"Really?" Estel asked, wrinkling his nose.
"You called me a good person just now," Erestor said, "and yet I, too, unsheathed my sword in Alqualondë."
Once again, Estel was speechless. It was a bit much for one evening, Erestor supposed. "It is possible to turn back from evil deeds. Sometimes you may not be able to make amends, but even then, you can go on to make better choices in the future. Some people have forgotten that. You should not."
"I won't," Estel promised; and although he said it with the ready eagerness of a child, something in his eyes convinced Erestor that he would keep that promise.

Chapter End Notes

Inspired by Lordnelson100's Silm fic Untended, which my Tumblr queue happened to bring up again yesterday, and bolstered by Tolkien's own thoughts about motives in The Silmarillion:
"If we consider the situation after the escape of Morgoth and the reëstabishment of his abode in Middle-earth, we shall see that the heroic Noldor were the best possible weapon with which to keep Morgoth at bay, virtually besieged, and at any rate fully occupied, on the northern fringe of Middle-earth, without provoking him into a frenzy of nihilistic destruction. And in the meanwhile, Men, or the best elements in Mankind, shaking off his shadow, came into contact with a people who had actually seen and experienced the Blessed Realm." ~ Morgoth’s Ring, "Notes on motives in The Silmarillion"