Monty Python and the Athrabeth by cuarthol

Finrod: Old man!

Andreth:  Woman!

Finrod: Old Woman, sorry.  Would you tell me of the swift passing of your people?

Andreth:  I'm forty-nine.

Finrod: What?

Andreth:  I'm forty-nine - I'm not old!

Finrod: Well, I can't just call you `Woman'.

Andreth:  Well, you could say `Andreth'.

Finrod: Well, I didn't know you were called `Andreth.'

Andreth:  Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

Finrod: I did say sorry about the ‘old man,' but really I meant it in terms of your race and not -

Andreth:  What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!

Finrod: Well, look some Elves might, but...

Andreth:  Oh Elves, eh, very high and mighty.  Calling us ‘children’ and all.  Lording your immortality over us, and them Valar who can’t even deign to show up -

Morwen:  Andreth, there's some lovely cows down here.  Oh - how d'you do?

Finrod: How do you do, good lady.  I am Finrod, king of Dorthonion.  Would you tell me-

Morwen:  King of what?

Finrod: Dorthonion

Morwen:  Where is Dorthonion?

Finrod: Well, it is here.  We're all in Dorthonion and I am your king.

Morwen:  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were an fiefdom under the head of our houses.

Andreth:  You're fooling yourself.  We're living in darkness.  An imposed mortality brought on by-

Morwen:  Oh there you go, bringing mortality into it again.

Andreth:  That's what it's all about!  If only people would--

Finrod: Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  What can you tell me of the swift passing of your lives?

Morwen:  You’ve got it wrong, we’re rather long-lived here.

Finrod:  But you die within a hundred years!

Morwen:  That’s ‘cause the Dark Lord.

Finrod: What?

Andreth:  I told you.  We were originally immortal but death was imposed upon us.

Finrod: What?!

Andreth:  Back when we did what is no longer remembered in the darkness we thought we left behind us.

Finrod: No, that can’t be right.

Andreth:  Our very natures marred by the Lord of this World.

Finrod: Be quiet!

Andreth:  By he whom you call Morgoth.

Finrod: Be quiet!  I order you to be quiet!

Morwen:  Order, eh -- who does he think he is?

Finrod: I am your king!

Morwen:  Well, I didn't vote for you.

Finrod: You don't vote for kings.

Morwen:  Well, 'ow did you become king then?

Finrod: Ulmo, Lord of Waters, as I slept beside the fens of Sirion, sent to me in a dream a warning to build a realm to be a place of refuge for when the northern kingdoms fall and are brought to ruin.  That is why I am king.

Andreth:  Listen - strange demigods lying in ponds distributing dreams is no basis for a system of government.  We know you derive your kingship from your immortality, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Finrod: Be quiet!

Andreth:  Look, you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart gave you a wet dream!

Finrod: Shut up!

Andreth:  I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empress just because some water nymph got me all moist, they’d put me away!

Finrod: Shut up!  Will you shut up!

Andreth:  Ah, now we see the arrogance inherent in the Elves.

Finrod: Shut up!

Andreth:  Oh!  Come and see the arrogance inherent in the Elves! HELP! HELP! I'm being Elfsplained!

Finrod: Bloody mortal!

Andreth:  Oh, what a give away.  Did you here that, did you here that, eh?  That's what I'm on about -- did you see him Elfsplaining me?

Chapter End Notes

I make no apologies.

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