First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by oshun

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Fanwork Notes

I rushed my Beta (the wonderful IgnobleBard) through this with hysterical prodding. I wanted to make the deadline. Any errors are my own. He caught a bushel basket full of tiny typos.

Fanwork Information

Summary:

For the April-May A Woman's Sceptre Challenge. Prompt:

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou

Fëanáro remembers Nerdanel. A story of redemption. If you do not like Fëanor, you will probably not want to read it.

 

 

Major Characters: Fëanor, Lórien, Mandos, Nerdanel, Valar

Major Relationships:

Genre: General

Challenges: Woman's Sceptre

Rating: General

Warnings:

This fanwork belongs to the series

Maitimo and Findekáno
A Nerdanel Series
Chapters: 1 Word Count: 2, 575
Posted on 10 May 2017 Updated on 10 May 2017

This fanwork is complete.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Comments

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Fëanor's and Nerdanel's relationship is to me one of the most complex and beautiful relatinships in the entire Silmarillion, and here it was beautifully protrayed.

I really liked the little insights into the beginning of their relationship; Nerdanel's inner strenght and Fëanor's insecurities are precious.

That bit of quiet sadness at the end, when they think about their children and how only Maedhros and Caranthir are released, almost made me cry, so very well done!

I love how true you stayed to the prompt, putting such a heavy focus on sensations and feelings. Being just the tiniest bit partial towards Fëanor, I also loved that you allowed him to be reborn (and without any end-of-the-world shenanigans, at least immediately after, too). It was such a touching (literally! XD) read! At the same time, you had me grin quite frequently - at Irmo's and Námo's good cop/bad cop routine, and the very clever observation that Irmo isn't purely good and kind either; at Fëanor's adolescent pride about his strong chest and arms; at awkward Námo... these elements made this feel quite lighthearted (well, for a redemption story!), and it worked like a treat for me.

Thank you so much! Although I brought a fair amount of emotional investment to the story myself and a certain amount of opinionated baisis toward the Noldor, I did try to keep it on the lighter side. The really grim part of the "work" that Feanor might have had to do in the Halls of Mandos has been done by the time we stick out noses in. I had a vague idea that Feanor suffered a great with updates on how things were going for his family and his people in Middle-earth whenever anything bad happened. Maybe that contributed to a crash course in what happens when you lose your shit and going haring off to M-e without a lot of consideration of the possible consequences. There is nothing worse than watching one's kids get hurt without being able to help them and that would be worse if one had put them in danger to begin with. [Prejudice here: I do think the Valar share some blame for pushing him. They should have chilled the f*ck out also, since it turned out that they perfectly capable of creating light without destroying Feanor and his Silmarils afterall.]

Anyway, thank you very much for reading and commenting. I do love Nerdanel and Feanor a lot. I guess one could call this a fix-it fic for me. I needed a little cheer-me-up  this week.

 

Omg!! I just lost my whole review also! :(

Aaargh.

I'll try again. I love Fëanor and Nerdanel stories. I really enjoyed the attributes and characteristics of hers that he recollected so fondly. I think he truly valued her as an individual, an artist and a partner. I love that you reveal his insecurities in the face of her soLid confidence. I found his reminiscences about his family fascinating--the love hate with Nolofinwë there again and even Fëanor not really able to make much sense of it. 

we know so little about the halls of Mandos. The fëa go there for an indeterminate amount  time and then some (why?) are reembodied. No criteria. Finrod made it out of there in record time. Again why? How? We know Namo is the keeper if the Halls and that Vairë weaves the history of Arda. I think that history of hers muse play a role For the inhabitants of Mandos. The addition of Lorien is an interesting one. I like it and I find it believable. Dreams provide insight. 

It makes me wonder why Fëanor was released before his other sons. I like that Maitimo is first. Carnistir makes sense to me also. I like the mystery as to why Fëanor and why Now?

your Fëanor, as evidenced by the last line of the fic, has come to some realizations about himself. Is thay what brought about his release? Is there expiation of "sins" in Mandos or is it simply a time of meditation on ones life and the lessons learned?

Thanks for reading and leaving a comment! Glad to have it read by a Nerdanel and Feanor fan. I love them together. And have always wanted them to reconcile in my version of their story. This is just a teaser.

I am so distracted today. I wrote most of what I wanted to say about Feanor getting released early in the response to the comment below. I got confused about who I was answering!

I had a vague idea that Feanor suffered a great with updates on how things were going for his family and his people in Middle-earth whenever anything bad happened. Maybe that contributed to a crash course in what happens when you lose your shit and going haring off to M-e without a lot of consideration of the possible consequences. There is nothing worse than watching one's kids get hurt without being able to help them and that would be worse if one had put them in danger to begin with. [Prejudice here: I do think the Valar share some blame for pushing him. They should have chilled the f*ck out also, since it turned out that they perfectly capable of creating light without destroying Feanor and his Silmarils afterall.]

It's pretty annoying that there are so many different opinions about what the Hall of Mandos is and how it operates, resulting from the fact that JRRT hadn't really quite sorted it all out anyway.

One of the kinds of Halls of Mandos stories I often enjoy are the ones where the characters go prancing around and visiting one another and arguing and talking, etc., a bit like an ongoing group therapy session (e.g., would you like to talk with your brother? sorry not ready for that yet, wetc,) or one-on-one talk therapy with Namo. I did not set my story in that kind of world.

I did not take the purgatory view either--the expiation of sins one. But mine is more of a striving for enlightenment version, set in isolation, with the understanding that one can get better at living but not necessarily resolve all of one's issues--hence Feanor remains Feanor. His suffering was not intended to be a punishment, but the bitter reflection could perhaps cause him to be more detached and forgiving and take the edge off his anger. But he is still packing a grudge for the Valar. He hasn't received any apologies from them. Perhaps those should be forthcoming at some point.

Thanks again for reading and taking the time to respond!

I always enjoy stories set in the Halls of Mandos and this is a great take on it. I love the imagery, especially things like this:

but neither did one feel the sucking obsidian darkness of the underground cave of a night that would later ensnare us after the destruction of the Trees

and this:

Námo wounded me with deprivation and denial. While Lórien delivered his hurt through phantoms that were tangible one instant and gone the next. Lórien’s dreams, a seductive form of magic, took vivid form bringing back memory, filled with grief but also holding promise of a future.

I love that his memories and regrets are so bound up with Nerdanel and the simple things like how she made him feel and what her strength and patience meant to him.

You pack a lot of emotion into this one but it's tempered with humor and warmth. Nobody writes this relationship as palpably as you.

As usual, you were an enormous help to me. I am so glad I caught you and roped you into giving me a hand. (I gotta say, I did provided you with a sufficient amount of difficult to spot typos to keep you on your toes!). It was like applying for a job in a law firm as a copychecker and they give you a typo-ridden text to fix as part of the job application! Ha! I never take you for granted. Thank you so much. Do know that I appreciate you.

I am so happy also that you appreciate the language and the story. I got very emotional writing it. I do know something about failed long-term relationship. No matter how difficult the ending, if it started with a passionate attachment, it is impossible to feel cold about it.

Thank you. It makes me want to pick up the Nerdanel novella mouldering on my hard-drive. All I have it to finish the last chapter or two. (There I go--not sure if the last is going on too long and might be two.)

Anyway, thank you for coming here and taking a look after all that work. Thank you so much for the lovely comments.

 

 

 

I read this this morning but had to come back and read it again because...

Oh, the feels!


I seldom cry while reading fics but reading this made the tears spring to my eyes.  Such painfully beautiful descriptions such as the following will always do that to me:

 

Then instantly—with a sense of horrifying devastation—I recognized that it was not eventide in Formenos; this was not our bed. I had no body and she was not here with me.


You just got all the emotions so real with this story.  It's exactly how I imagine couples who have a long-standing relationship that did not necessarily go well all the time behave with each other.  Like the passage below:


We had always been well-matched physically. But the memory of our loving-making brought to mind by conscious effort was horrible and painful, as painful as the dream which had seemed to be as real as it had been consoling.


I am particularly partial to stories involving Namo and the Halls of Mandos as well so it was a pleasure to read your take on him.  There is something so spooky yet satisfying about the thought of him.

 

Feany's take on his implicitness in the deaths of his sons is heartbreaking to read. But then Nerds seems quite willing to deal with her ex-husband and help him cope with this.

 Oh, how I wish this story hadn't ended when it did!  I want more, more, more of these two and that's down to your skilful portrayal of one of the most complicated but compelling relationships in the Silm.  I think your story is brilliant - such a testament to love and the test of time on a relationship no matter how it ended.  If I were beside you right now I'd hug and kiss you until you pushed me away and then thank you effusively for writing such a passionately gorgeous piece.



So happy that you enjoyed the story. When I write something this emotional I get really worried that it is too sappy and sentimental. Thank you more than I can say for stopping to comment and let me know that it worked for you.

I also think it is my very favorite relationship in The Silmarillion--warring with Maedhros and Fingon. Tolkien must be rolling in his grave. Ain't it suppose to be Beren and Luthien? I'm looking forward to seeing if Christopher Tolkien can change my mind with his definitive edition coming out next month. I do look forward to finding all the material in long-form in one place!

OMG! "effusively for writing such a passionately gorgeous piece." You're going to spoil me rotten! Not necessarily. But I up it does convince me to keep writing more fiction. I've up my input so far this year, but have not reached my level of productivity I effortless achieved ten years ago or so.

This is a fun challenge series, right? I told you that I enjoyed yours this month a lot also.

I LOVE this! Of course (to borrow your own turn of phrase) you are kicking in an open door for me.

I worshiped and resented her in equal parts and she tolerated me with great tenderness despite my unforgivable arrogance and self-absorption.

This is an amazing line. You capture so many of their contradictions and imply so much history just in this single sentence.

up to my old tricks after barely taking three breaths.

This made me smile. They did have seven kids!

I adored your Namo and the scoffing way Feanor perceives him. This made me laugh out loud:

how could ‘Ahem’ manage to sound both menacing and insecure at the same time

I see Namo as intimidating and even a little sinister, but the insecurities are a new (to me!) dimension and an interesting one. It makes sense, since I don't think he got out much.

I find your choice of reembodied sons to be interesting. I love hearing Silmfic writers' rationales on who gets sent back first. (This is a not-so-subtle plea for yours, if you want to share.)

I'm sorry I took so long to get to this but am glad I finally did. I adored it!

Maedhros is simply the best. The most honest and honorable; tried to fulfil his duties and did what he thought he was supposed to do with that cursed oath; he tried to mend fences and make peace; he cared about his people as a whole and not only his brothers; he took upon himself the most difficult and dangerous aspects of the defense of Middle-earth against the evil to its north.

Carnistir never did much of anything except stick with his brothers in their attempts to abide by the oath they had taken and act a little cranky with the Arafinweans. I suspect he could have been insensitive and arrogant about other peoples, an assumption of Noldorin superiority but I think, even if that were the case, he operated out of ignorance and not malice and did manage to maintain mutually beneficial relations with Dwarves and Men and he rescued Haleth and her people and did his best to offer them further aid. As far as being harsh and foul tempered--he seemed to me to be somewhat socially awkward--not a diplomat. I don't see evidence that that he was ever a true misanthrope or gratuitously cruel. (A lot of this is based in canon, but also some invented at of the whole cloth, or even dependent upon my first impressions of your terrible toddler Carnistir in AMC).

To keep Feanor locked up forever or cast into the void, would mean the Valar did not learn a thing from their mistakes with the Eldar and I find that hard to believe. Feanor was due to be released by my reckonings--the first to die and suffered the worst while living (with the exception perhaps of Maedhros). Feanor's original mistakes were born out of a world of personal pain and a sense of betrayal by the Valar--who do wrong and kick him personally in the teeth. His arrogance reminds me more of the Valar than anyone else. If one is truly smarter than everyone else it is sometimes difficult to learn humility and that others might have different but useful perspectives to offer. After messing up so badly themselves, perhaps the Valar could learn something about Feanor's errors by looking at their own and have a little compassion.

On Namo being awkward--awkward as hell and Feanor choses to perceive that as him perhaps a little insecure. Doubtful.

My other personal canon is that people do not come out of Halls of Mandos washed clean--they are still themselves, perhaps wiser, more patient, more tolerant, but not perfect.