Stupid Stories for Irreverent Elves by darthfingon

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Virginity

Oropher, Glorfindel, Fingon, FA 48

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Oropher stood in the bedroom doorway in a grand sort of pose to make his announcement, with his hands on his hips and his chin haughtily raised. "I am getting married," he stated.

Not even bothering to look up from his book, Glorfindel made a sound along the lines of, "Huh."

"I said, I'm getting married."

"I heard you. Who this time?"

"Erethif," said Oropher. A stupid sort of grin passed over his face. "I asked her this morning out on the parapets and she said yes."

Glorfindel looked up with a frown. "Is she the really short one who always wears her hair in two plaits? The one you've been seeing recently?"

"Yes, that's her!"

"Oh," said Glorfindel. He went back to studying his book.

"You don't sound very excited for me. This is important news and you're just sitting there reading... something."

"It's a book about court functions in Tirion. I'm supposed to learn all the rules and etiquette. Did you know that it's forbidden to look anywhere but at the King when he is speaking? And sneezing in his presence can have you banned from court for up to a year."

"Amazing," Oropher said as he crossed the room to sit beside Glorfindel on the bed. "Now let's talk about my wedding. I know Erethif isn't the most beautiful, but she's pretty and thinks everything I say is very important. I like her enough. And she wants lots of babies, which is good because I do too."

"And you'll be marrying her when?"

"Next year probably, once my service is up."

Carefully, Glorfindel closed his book and set it aside. "Oropher... Do you honestly think that by this time next year, you'll still want to marry her?"

"I don't see why not," he answered.

"I do," said Glorfindel. "First, you're forty-three."

"So?"

"So, you're probably thinking with something that isn't your head. Second, you have no money."

"Erethif doesn't care about money."

Glorfindel shook his head. "She might say that. But all girls care about money. That's why it's easier for them to get married, you know. Girls only have to be pretty, while we have to prove we have money. You've seen it happen. Remember last time you proposed, to Amlind or whatever her name was? She agreed, and then it was nine days before she left you for a Golodhren man with a bigger pocket."

"Well, she was stupid anyhow," said Oropher. "And had bad fingernails, and-"

"And there's the third point," Glorfindel interrupted. "Even if your love of the day doesn't leave you for somebody richer, you always get bored of her soon enough and say she has fat feet or a low hairline, or what did you say was wrong with Mainib?"

"Her brothers threatened to tear my arms off."

"You see?" Glorfindel said, clapping his hands against his thighs. "There's something wrong with every girl."

"Not every girl."

"The last five you've been about to marry, then."

Raising his nose, Oropher gave a derisive sniff. "A whole five out of hundreds in Eithel Sirion. That's nothing. And Erethif is different. I really am going to marry her this time."

"I'll believe it when I see it," said Glorfindel. "Remind me the day before your wedding. Then I'll get you a gift."

Oropher narrowed his eyes, staring at Glorfindel and scowling. For several moments, he said nothing, while Glorfindel returned to the book of courtly manners.

"I know what it is," he finally muttered. "You're envious."

"Of course I'm not envious. Don't let's be silly."

"You are envious," Oropher repeated. "It's obvious. You wish you were the one getting married."

"Not to Erethif. Nor any of your other choices."

"Because they'd laugh in your face if you asked."

"No," said Glorfindel: "because I have standards. I do not want your seconds. And besides, I have to marry a virgin. Otherwise the marriage is invalid by the laws of Valmar."

Oropher snorted. "Oh right. Your fancy Valmar laws. Nobody here's good enough for you. Well just so's you know, my people have standards, too. And Erethif is a virgin, elsewise I couldn't marry her either."

Carefully, Glorfindel closed his book, and looked up to meet Oropher's gaze. "Erethif?"

"Of course she's a virgin."

"No, she's not."

"Yes, she is!" Oropher replied. "And how would you know, anyway?!"

"Oropher, you told me two days ago that you and your newest lady- I'm assuming this was Erethif- enthusiastically proclaimed your undying love under a willow tree in the King's garden."

"And?"

"Therefore, she is not a virgin."

Oropher only blinked. "I don't understand what one of those things has to do with the other," he said after a pause.

"Oh, you stupid twit!" Glorfindel hissed. "She lay with you! She's not a virgin any more!"

Again, Oropher blinked, and raised his eyebrows. "But she hasn't had a baby yet."

This time, it was Glorfindel who looked confused. "What?"

"I said, she hasn't had a baby."

"I heard what you said. But why should that have anything to do with it? Of course if somebody has a baby she's not a virgin."

Oropher nodded. "Exactly."

Sighing again, Glorfindel raised his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes. "I think we might have a ... Hm. I don't think you understand. Listen. When a girl lies with somebody, as Erethif did with you, then she ceases to be a virgin."

"No," Oropher said slowly, "when she has a baby, then she's not a virgin."

Glorfindel dropped his hands and stared. "But... No, that's stupid. If that were true, it would mean that every girl is a virgin when she gets married, regardless of what she's done."

"That's right."

"No, it's not right!" Glorfindel shouted. "The whole point of getting married is to be faithful to your spouse alone! It's completely meaningless if you go about bedding others beforehand. You have to be a virgin on your wedding day, and being a virgin means not having lain with anyone."

With a sympathetic smile, of the manner used to humour children, Oropher slowly shook his head and patted Glorfindel on the shoulder. "Somebody told you wrong."

"No, I think somebody told you wrong."

"You're just angry now because you're ignorant."

"I am not angry because... oh, you're impossible."

"Look," said Oropher. "This is going nowhere. I have a better idea."

"What?"

Oropher stood and took a step toward the door, motioning for Glorfindel to follow. "You think I'm wrong, but I know you're wrong. So, I think we'd better find somebody else, who will know for sure."

"Yes," Glorfindel agreed, though his voice still kept its superior edge. "I think we'd better."

~

Armion was not in his work room. Henael, however, was. Sitting at the table as she stitched one of the King's stockings, she did her best to ignore Oropher until he was so close she had no choice but to put down her mending and shove him away.

"I have a question," he said as he dodged a slap aimed at his ear. "We were going to ask Armion, but since he's not here, I reckon you'll do."

"Go away," said Henael. "And quit bothering me. I have important work."

"When is a girl no longer a virgin?"

Henael dropped her hands to her lap and stared at Oropher as if he had two heads. "Are you really stupider than you look?"

"He wants to know," Oropher said quickly, pointing his thumb at Glorfindel.

Growling in her throat, Henael looked from one to the other. "Are you serious? At your age?"

"Well, I know," said Glorfindel, "but he thinks a girl loses her virginity when her first baby is born."

Henael nodded. "Well, yes. When else would it happen?"

"When she first lies... and... you know what, with somebody!" Glorfindel half shouted.

"That makes no sense," said Henael. "Everybody knows that 'virgin' is a word for a woman who has no children. You're no longer a virgin when the first baby comes."

"See, that's what I told him," Oropher said. "But he has these funny ideas about things sometimes. That's why we had to ask you. Now it's two against one. We must be right."

"Girls are always right about these things. We would know, right?"

"Right."

Glorfindel smacked his hand down on the tabletop. "No! You're both wrong and stupid! A virgin is a girl who is pure and her body unknown!"

"By babies," said Henael.

"Exactly! By-" Glorfindel caught himself just in time. "No! I mean, no, not by babies!" Growling, he grabbed his hair in frustration. "By a man! As soon as you've lain with somebody, you're not a virgin! That's how it works! It has nothing to do with babies! It's only about saving your body for your future husband!" He let out a strangled shout of rage and kicked a nearby stool.

Henael raised an eyebrow as she looked to Oropher. "Is he always like this?" she whispered.

"Yes," said Oropher. "Usually worse. You should hear him when he gets on about the Belein."

~

Still, though, Glorfindel refused to admit that Oropher was right. He also refused to ask the opinions of any more Sindar, who would undoubtedly share Oropher's incorrect knowledge. He needed a trustworthy source.

"Finno?" he asked once Fingon had settled in front of the fire.

"What?"

"When is a girl no longer a virgin?"

For what seemed like an uncomfortably long time, Fingon only sat there, perfectly still. Then he slowly turned to fix Glorfindel with a withering stare. "What did you do?" he asked darkly.

"Nothing!" Glorfindel assured him. "Nothing. Oro- ... somebody brought up the topic today and I think the Sindar believe that virginity is lost when the first baby is born."

Fingon snorted. "Ludicrous."

"Yes!" said Glorfindel, and he sighed in relief. "I know! I was trying to say that all day, but nobody would listen to me."

"Sindar have some funny ideas sometimes. You should know better than to listen to them or try to teach them anything."

"I know. I don't know why they would think that. It makes no sense." With a smug grin, Glorfindel looked toward the door. Fingon's word bettered anything said by Henael or any other of the tower servants. He would tell Oropher first thing in the morning.

From his seat by the fire, Fingon stretched his arms above his head and yawned. "Besides," he told Glorfindel, "everyone knows virginity can only be lost on one's wedding night."