Stupid Stories for Irreverent Elves by darthfingon

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Orma-Corma

Descendants of Finwe, Years of the Trees

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The game was called Orma-Corma, and this is how it worked.

Each team had seven players. Each player had a javelin. Two teams would square off on a field with a centre line but no boundaries, trying to throw a wooden ring over the opponent's goalpost. Maedhros fancied it to be a rather pleasing combination of rugby, frisbee, and lawn darts. In his opinion, it was the best game in the world. He had invented it.

He had also organised the Orma-Corma tournament that would be taking place over the coming weekend. His team, the Tigercats, was made up of him and his six brothers. There being seven of them was the main reason for Maedhros inventing a game in which each team had seven players. They were called the Tigercats because when they all stood in a line, the alternating reddish-orange and black of their hair looked vaguely like the stripes on a tiger. Celegorm had to stand on the end and be the tiger's blond bum. They all wore black uniforms with reddish-orange racing stripes. Because Maedhros had invented the game, they were the team favoured to win the tournament. Only they really knew all the rules.

Fingon's team consisted of himself, his brothers, his cousins Finrod, Angrod, and Aegnor, and either his sister or Artanis- he couldn't decide which. His sister was more athletic by far, but Artanis had the sort of presence that made people do what she said, and he was fairly certain that any opposing players would simply hand her the ring and get out of her way if she mustered a fierce enough look. The downside was that she could only throw a javelin twelve feet. They would lose for certain on her toss.

Of course this was all irrelevant, because they weren't even entered in the tournament yet.

In order to participate, each team was required to have a name. Fingon's team did not have a name. Not because they were unable to think of one, but because all the good names were taken. The Tigercats, of course, but also the Wildcats, the Bobcats, Lions, Cougars, Panthers, Jaguars, Leopards, Cheetahs, Pumas, and even Ocelots, who got their name after being informed by tournament officials that "Wildcats" was taken. The only cat not represented was the lynx. This was because nobody knew what its plural form was.

The following names and so far been put forward as possibilities for Fingon's team: the Winners, the Sevens, and the No-Names. Nobody particularly liked any of them. Turgon had been unreasonably attached to "The Sevens", because he had thought of it himself, but after Fingon hit him in the eye and told him to quit being stupid, he went off to the corner to sulk. He was convinced that Fingon had purposefully damaged his nicest eyelash. The thought of this made him furious. Fingon was always trying to sabotage his good looks! He briefly considered quitting the team out of spite, but then realised that this would only help Fingon, by solving the Aredhel-or-Artanis dilemma. If he was gone, they could both play. He decided to stay on the team out of spite.

"What about... The Sensible Descendants of Finwë?" asked Finrod.

Fingon rolled his eyes. "Does anybody here think that's a sensible suggestion?"

Nobody said anything.

"There you have it," he told Finrod. "With you on the team, our collective sensibility would suffer, and the name would be meaningless. No."

"And it's too long to put on our tunics," Aegnor added wisely. Everyone nodded at this, and said things like, "That's right," and "Mm-hmm."

Finrod bit his lip. "Then what about... just The Descendants of Finwë?"

"Good one," said Angrod. "That won't confuse anybody at all when we're playing Maedhros' team. The team called The Descendants of Finwë versus... another team made up of descendants of Finwë."

"Are you being sarcastic?" Finrod asked.

Angrod looked him directly in the eye for a good ten seconds. "No."

"If we can't be the Descendants of Finwë, then we should call ourselves the descendants of Indis," Aredhel said. "We're the only ones descended from her, you know."

The boys all looked equally uncomfortable at this suggestion, and Turgon shook his head. "No way. Nobody wants to be on a team named after a girl. We'll be laughed at. We might as well just call ourselves the Mermaid-Princess-Riding-A-Lavender-Unicorn team."

Both Aredhel and Artanis glared. "What's wrong with girls?" Artanis asked, sounding very menacing.

"Nothing," said Fingon, "except that nobody in the sports world takes girls seriously."

Aredhel was about to argue with him, but realised straight away that he was right. Nobody did take girls seriously. She and Artanis would just have to change that. Sneering at everyone, they went to sit far away by themselves and plot how best to get both of them on the team. Aredhel figured that people would have to take them seriously if they stuck a javelin up Turgon's-

"Anyhow," said Fingon, "the tournament entry deadline is just over an hour away. We need a name, and a good one, right now."

"I still want to be The Sevens," Turgon muttered. Fingon pretended not to hear him.

"What about The Mountaincats?" asked Angrod.

Fingon looked at him. "Are we from the mountains? Do you see any mountains around here?"

A dejected chorus of, "No, sir," came the reply.

"We need something different. Something snappy. Something so completely unexpected that all of our opponents quake with fear at the mere thought of us!"

For the first time all day, Argon tentatively raised his hand. "I... I have an idea..."

The others stared at him in awe. They had forgotten he even existed.

Nervously, Argon got to his feet and cleared his throat. "Well," he said, "I was just thinking... if we wanted a name that's different from everybody else, we could call ourselves... we could call ourselves... erm... the... uh... Argonauts."

A full minute of silence followed his suggestion, before Fingon said, "What the hell is an Argonaut?"

"No idea," said Aegnor. "But it sounds cool!"

"I like it!" Finrod agreed.

Turgon nodded. "All in favour?"

Everyone shouted a loud, "AYE!"

Everyone but Fingon. "No!" he said. "This is ridiculous! That's not even a real word! And besides, I'm the team captain! If anything, the team should be named after me! Argon doesn't even have his own javelin! Why do you want us all to be named after him?!"

"Because 'Fingonauts' sounds retarded," said Turgon. "And I also think we should make Argon our new team captain, just so our name makes sense. All in favour?"

Everyone but Fingon yelled, "AYE!" again.

"Fine," said Fingon. And with that he turned and left, pausing only long enough to yell, "I quit!" over his shoulder.

"Does this mean both Aredhel and I are on the team?" asked Artanis.

Argon shrugged. "I guess so... yeah..." He handed her a spare javelin.

And with that, the newly-formed team marched off to the tournament grounds to register. A happy ending would be to say that they beat the odds and came in first place, but unfortunately, this is not the case. In fact, they came in third to last, managing only to defeat a team of Vanyarin farmers who were using pitchfork handles in place of javelins, and the Ocelots, who didn't even show up. Fingon lorded over them with a smug "I told you so" smile for the twelve days following. But Aredhel insisted that winning or losing didn't matter; at least they had their happy memories of the joy of playing organised sports.

Except Argon, who was beaned in the head ten minutes into the first game, suffered a severe concussion, and consequently didn’t remember much.