Maps by grey_gazania

Chapter 15: Maedhros

Perhaps it was unfair of me to be angry with Findekáno; he had saved my life, after all. But with every nightmare, every memory, every moment of pain and frailness, with the awareness of every ounce of anguish my little brother felt on my behalf, it became harder and harder not to hold it all against him. Despite what he said, I wasn't free. I did not think I would ever be free. Death was no longer an option, not with Káno and my brothers and Nolofinwë all counting on me. I was under no illusions. It was true that they all cared for me, but right now they also saw me as a valuable piece in the ongoing game that would decide who would rule the Noldor.

Káno loved me, but he couldn't hide the fact that politics had played a part in his decision to rescue me. My brothers, too, loved me, but to them I was the rightful king of the Noldor, returned to take up his crown once more. And while Nolofinwë had treated me with nothing but care and kindness, it was clear that he also saw my presence here as a way to keep my brothers in check. With all of this weighing on me, was it any wonder that I felt angry?

And yet.

I felt selfish, too. Káno had saved my body from further torment, at least, if not my mind. Carnistir had barely left my side. And Nolofinwë was caring for me as though I were one of his own children, despite the part I had played in his people's suffering. What right did I have to be angry at them when it was my own foolishness that had led to my capture? What right did I have to be angry at anyone when it was my own fault that my friends and companions had been killed?

I didn't deserve their kindness. Not after all my mistakes, not after all Moringotto and his servants had done to me and forced me to do. I wasn't Maitimo anymore. I was something rotten, something broken, something spoiled.

Something Orcish.

Chapter End Notes

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