100 Days of Silence by just_jenni

Chapter 2

Part Two: Haldar

I had been living in my little forest hut for exactly one hundred days. I knew this because I had been marking out the days on a smooth pine log that supported a corner of my new home. I was happy to stay where I was, letting my wounds heal, hunting and fishing in the surrounding forest and nearby streams. I had no desire to move on. Allowing my mind to heal and soothe itself, to become clear and free from violent thoughts, terrible memories and guilt became of primary importance. I desired to feel elvish again - it was something I felt I had lost in the pursuit of battle upon a foreign soil. Solitude was what I pursued in those 100 days of quiet.

On one glorious day when I was enjoying the warm sunshine and still waters while sitting on the edge of a stream fishing for my supper, I heard dry branches crackling in the brambles behind me. Startled, I turned my head to look over my shoulder and saw a man approaching me through the undergrowth. He surprised me by the way he looked - somewhat alien though he possessed two arms, two legs and other body parts the same as me. Yet he was not like me. He was much shorter than anyone I had ever seen and his body was covered in a short fur, or what he later told me he called his "fuzz". His complexion was not as pale as mine, his hair much coarser and worn short and unkempt, falling to just below his chin. Upon his face was a bushy growth of hair sprouting from his cheeks and chin. I was embarrassed that he noticed I was staring at him for much longer than was polite, but his appearance was so odd I could not help it.

"Welcome sir," I said simply in my own language.

He looked at me with a puzzled expression and returned my greeting. "Hello. I am called Haldar. I am son of Haldad of the region of Thargelion." He spoke in a common tongue for that part of the world which was quite simple for me to master - indeed I could understand most of it from when he first started speaking.

I stood and offered my hand to this strange man. When I rose to my full height I stood almost two feet taller than him. He stared up at me with his blond eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Amras," I told him, indicating my name by putting my hands on my chest and tapping my fingers. Picking up what I had just heard from him, I attempted to add in his language, "Son of Feanaro of - of -," I stammered a bit, then decided to say it although he probably wouldn't know where it was - "Valinor".

He didn't respond verbally, but sat himself down on the bank beside my fishing pole. Picking it up with a deft hand he expertly flung it out over the wter and almost immediately caught a fish, a large, nice-looking one with silvery scales glinting in the sun. He smiled hugely at me before he unhooked its mouth and tossed it into my hands.

"Amras." He nodded and smiled at me. In that moment I knew he and I would get along well. Without saying much at all this odd creature had charmed me.

My brothers and I had discussed the possibility of there being other inhabitants of Arda when we had arrived at Losgar and were sitting around the campfire one night.

"What will the people of this land think of us?" Macalaure, the most thoughtful of my siblings, posed this question which caused an immediate debate on whether or not any inhabitants existed, what they would look like if they were not elves like us and whether or not they would be welcoming to us.

Later on when it became clear that Haldar was settling in and meant to spend some time with me in my humble cabin and I had successfully learned his language, we talked to each other in depth about our families.

Haldar despised the result of war more than the fighting itself. He mourned many of his people who had died in battle but he did not fear death for himself. He told me tales about his sister called Haleth who shared his birthday, and in return I told him about Ambarussa, my twin, and since we had this in common I felt it strengthened the bond between us. But there was also an immediate attraction between us that we realized almost from the start. We began talking about everything we could think of - our families, our homes and personal experiences, how beautiful we both thought this land was with its rugged charm and all its contrasts - and how despite our differences we had so much in common.

Haldar spoke of his father and his sister who were both great warriors and loved fighting. He said it seemed to energize them and give them purpose. He explained that he was not like them but felt obligated to fight alongside them though it made him greatly unhappy. He told me that he had lost his way after escaping from the enemy during a recent battle and that is how he came to wander into the clearing that I had made near my cabin.

We talked about the evil that had permeated his world. I could not keep despair from creeping into my voice when I realized that my people and I had brought it with us.

"I'm sorry," I cried. "I hate what the pursuit of Morgoth has done to my family and my people. I believe that killing each other is wrong. Sometimes I think that the right thing to do would be to tell him to take whatever he wants and go, rather than continue to fight endless losing battles against him and his evil creatures. To continue suffering the wounds of battle, sometimes resulting in terrible deaths, without any end in sight sickens me until I cannot function anymore. I escaped from it, not because I was afraid but because I loathed fighting and suddenly I felt I could not continue."

When I said this to Haldar he became angry with me.

"Do you think that Morgoth would go away and leave your people alone even if you gave him what he wanted?" He shook his blond head vigorously. "There will never be an end to what he wants and he will never go away. That is why your people continue to fight him, in the hope that some day they will defeat him and cast him out."

I hung my head in despair. "Why am I so different? Am I stupid and too simple-minded to understand what you have just told me? Why am I so different from my father and my brothers?"

Haldar hugged me and stroked my hair. "You do think differently. It is what makes you unique. Perhaps your mother was this way?" He raised his eyebrows in a query.

"Yes," I replied, my voice low, letting the memory of her flood back into my thoughts. "She was that way - and I do resemble her in many aspects. She hated the thought of leaving her home and detested the plans my father had made for coming here. In fact, she could never understand why my father had changed so much and how he could have developed such hatred for Morgoth. She understood his desire for revenge but not to the extent to which it changed who he was. I grew up in a very happy home, as did my brothers. Two of them were married but only Curufin's wife accompanied us on our journey here, with their child in her arms to face the terrible crossing. But after we arrived on your shores and the fighting started she left him, taking the baby, my nephew Celebrimbor, with her at the urging of our cousin Galadriel. We know not where they are."

We spent almost 100 days together. I had been gone for 200 days in total. They were glorious days that I will never forget. they contained so much bliss and the comfort of healing that I will always be grateful for the time he spent with me after my first 100 days of silence.

I remember the first time we lay together. I think our physical attraction was borne out of curiosity but I believe that it was more our destiny that we were meant to meet and spend the time talking and working things out until we came to our ultimate and very different decisions.

Haldar needed a lot more sleep than I did and I would watch him as he lay, eyes closed, breathing deeply and contentedly as a babe. I would lie beside him gently stroking his chest or his thighs, enjoying the feel of his fair "fuzz", so new to me. I would smooth the untidy hair from his face, being careful not to wake him. I studied him, a finger as light as a strand of silk tracing the fine lines etched on his face by time and the elements - factors that did not turn the smoothness of my own features into wrinkles. But Haldar had told me all about his people with their short life spans. They aged much faster than we did and their lives ended what seemed to me to be far too soon. It made me sad to think of it but he told me not to feel that way because it was inevitable and they welcomed it as long as it did not come too prematurely.