A Song for My Beloved by Cheeky

Chapter 1

Read Chapter 1

He was frozen to the spot. Trapped in slow motion. Desperately he reached for it as it slowly tilted......tilted .........and finally fell, slipping through the edges of his fingers and crashing onto the stone floor below with a ear splintering crash.

He stood in horror and stared. He could not move, could barely breathe, what had he done?

"Erestor, you idiot!"

The sound of Glorfindel's voice tore him from his inertia and he clumsily dropped to his knees hastily investigating the damage. It was in two pieces.

"It is broken!" He cried, " What have I done?, he will kill me." If Glorfindel hadn't been there he was sure he would burst into tears. Glorfindel sat beside him and gently took the pieces from his shaking fingers.

"It looks pretty grim, Erestor. You had better tell him. Don't worry," he gave him a weak smile, " I am sure he will forgive you, he has a real soft spot for you."

Erestor took a shuddering breath. He must stay calm, maybe there was a way out of this.

"I can't tell him. He will think badly of me, I don't want that."

Glorfindel laid a hand gently on his arm.

" Look, you can hardly hide the evidence of this. He is going to find out, sooner rather than later. It will be better for you if you confess........I know.........I know you have a bit of a thing for him, seriously who doesn't? But really, it's not like it will ever go anywhere will it? At least he is fond of you. Be a man and admit to this."

" It is his HARP, Glorfindel. Besides his brothers is there anything more precious to Maglor than this? He will never wish to see me again."

Glorfindel stood and his expression was intensely frustrated.

"Don't be so melodramatic. He can get another harp. And he is hardly likely to ignore you forever, he leans on you, you are his scribe and his right hand man, he might just be a bit.......chilly......for awhile." He reached out his hand and pulled him to his feet.
" Go now and find him, get to him first and it will go easier for you believe me. You must be honest. It is the most important thing." And before he knew it Glorfindel was pushing him out the door.

He wandered for what seemed an age searching for Maglor but no one had seen him, in fact in truth his heart wasn't in it and perhaps he didn't search as intensely as he should have. As he looked, he thought. Glorfindel didn't understand. What he felt for Maglor was more than a "thing". He had always watched him from afar and dreamed, but He was simply ordinary and Maglor was.....Maglor. Then the nightmare happened, that had taken Feanor from them and...........Maedhros was gone, captured. Maglor, thrust into the job of leading a broken people while drowning in his own grief had struggled though the people never knew that, they never saw anything except total strength and determination. But quiet Erestor had seen it, had found himself swept up into the midst of the Feanorian brothers and their councils. Erestor, the scribe and tactition. He was clever he knew and Maglor had noticed it, had claimed him as a cog in the machine that governed the Noldor.

And when his brothers left him and he was alone wrestling with his grief and uncertainty as to the right thing for their people it was Erestor he called for support, to help him agonise over the maps and documents, whose calmness he said eased his chaotic mind. Maglor had not been meant for the trauma of leadership, Erestor thought, he was a singer and poet. He had none of Maedhros's brilliant hard edge for all that he could be prickly and difficult to get along with.

But now Maedhros was returned, Fingolfin was King and all had changed yet still he had a place as Maglor's scribe, still Maglor sought him out but for how long now? How long when he discovered the wreck of his harp?

Giving up his search he returned to Maglor's room hoping perhaps to hide the evidence. Not that that would work for long. His heart sunk to the bottom of his boots as he entered and he felt sick to the stomach for there, sitting in the middle of the floor was Maglor, cradling the harp on his lap and his cheeks were wet with tears. Couldn't Glorfindel have at least cleaned up a bit before he left?

Briefly he wondered if he could just quietly slink back out the door but there was no such luck as Maglor noticed him almost immediately. He raised his face to look at him.

"Erestor! Someone has broken my harp. Look what they have done!"

He shuffled awkwardly, what to do? In the end he went and sat next to him, what else could he do? Although being in close proximity to Maglor when he told him of his crime was not something he wished for. Maglor had a temper.

" Who would do this?" Maglor cried. "Who hates me this much? One of Fingolfin's people? My Father made this for me. It is all I have left of him!"

Oh dear, it was even worse than he had thought. He chewed on his fingernails then cautiously placed an arm around Maglor's shoulders. He was not good at this comforting business and not quite sure what was required of him. The diffident hug seemed to be the right thing to do though, Maglor accepted it at least.

"Ah, I miss him so much Erestor!"

He was uncomfortable with Maglor's grief and didn't know what to say, it didn't seem right just to blurt out his guilt. Something nice perhaps?

"I know you do." He settled on the obvious, " Feanor was........Feanor was very......."

Help, there must be something nice he could think of to say about Feanor! Think damn it, think. But try as he might he could come up with nothing. He had never been comfortable with Feanor, he was too...too much of everything for the shy Erestor. Glorfindel's voice floated into his mind... ' you must be honest, it's the most important thing.' ......and before he knew it he was opening his mouth and putting his foot in it.

"Actually, I never liked him much."

As soon as the words were out he regretted them. How could he? Must he always be such a total idiot?

Maglor raised his head and looked at him in shock. But then.......slowly ......... he smiled, and the smile turned into a giggle.

" Oh Erestor, you are so funny, You always make me laugh, you know just the right thing to say!" He leaned towards him, Erestor's body burned at the touch.

How had that been the right thing to say? Erestor wondered. Maglor thought him clever and witty. He often laughed at things Erestor had had no idea were funny. In fact Erestor knew he was actually shy and awkward, a social cripple, but somehow when he was with Maglor and had surprisingly said what turned out to be just the right thing Maglor's praise of him made him feel as if he actually was the clever, sarcastic wit Maglor thought he was. He felt valued and his fea soared.

" Oh, you know," he shrugged, "Just trying to lighten the mood."

Maglor laughed out loud his tears forgotten.

" Well you have succeeded! What would I do without you! Erestor?"

And Erestor knew one thing.
There was no way he could admit to his transgression now.

...............................

Glorfindel turned this way and that, trying to see himself from every possible angle in the mirror before him. Tonight was Fingolfin's big party, a show of unity for all the elves and he wanted to look his best. It was very important. His tunic was a deep and startling blue that showed off his eyes to perfection and glowed against his glorious hair. It really was glorious and he knew it, his best feature. But was the blue the exact right one? Did he need more jewels in his hair?

He was startled from his ruminations when his door flew open and turned to see Erestor standing there. He looked well enough, smart in a plain and ordinary way. Erestor was never very showy, he liked to blend into the background.

"Erestor, I am glad you are here, tell
me..... Is this blue the right one for me?"

"It's fine Glorfindel." Erestor sounded utterly miserable.

He had a closer look at him, what was wrong? Then he remembered the harp.

"Did you tell Maglor then? You seemed to have survived intact."

Erestor hung his head.
" I have not told him. I couldn't."

"You must. You cannot hide it forever!"

Erestor looked increasingly desperate.
"You do not understand Glorfindel! His father made that harp. It was all he had of him. He is devastated."

Oh dear, what a mess, Glorfindel thought. Maglor would cut Erestor up and throw him to the dogs. Perhaps it was for the best though. Erestor needed to get over this infatuation he had with Maglor. It was not as if Maglor would ever notice him, or be interested even if he did.

Erestor leaned forward and took him by the arm.
" I need to ask you a favour. I need you to do something for me."

Glorfindel began to feel very uneasy.
"What exactly?"

"Tell him it was you."

" Are you serious? No!"

" Please Glorfindel, please." Erestor begged, "You are my closest friend. He will detest me and I cannot bear it."

Glorfindel gazed at him in amazement.

"You want me to offer myself up as a sacrifice? Throw myself on the fire that is Maglor Feanorian to save your skin? No Erestor! No! I will not do it. He will tear me limb from limb."

At that very moment, the worst possible moment, the door opened to reveal the man himself. Maglor stood there and when his eyes fell on Erestor his face lit up with a grin.

"Erestor, I hoped you would be here. Sorry, Glorfindel for intruding," he said almost as an afterthought. Glorfindel frowned, he did not like to be an afterthought for anyone, even one of the sons of Feanor.

Erestor threw him a pleading look but he shook his head firmly. He was not going to do what Erestor wanted him to.

Still Maglor looked happy, radiant even, in fact you could say he was glowing. He did not look that distressed by the loss of the harp. Erestor must have been exaggerating.

"Come on then" Maglor said, eyes dancing. He really was magnificent Glorfindel thought, quite distracting.

"The celebration is beginning, you do not want to miss it. I think I will sing tonight!"

Erestors voice squeaked like a mouse as he cringed in the corner.

"Sing? How will you sing Maglor? Without a harp I mean."

"I have Fingon's!" Maglor held it up triumphantly. "Maedhros convinced him to lend it to me. Anything to stop him singing his dreadful love songs. Maedhros calls it caterwauling," he leaned forward conspiratorially, " Dont tell Fingon!"

Erestor was as white as he had ever seen an elf. He opened his mouth to speak,

"Glorfindel broke your harp." He said it in a rush, such a gabble of words Glorfindel almost missed it but then he understood and horror rushed over him.

"What?!" He and Maglor spoke in unison.

Maglor stared at him, he looked almost......hurt. Glorfindel was frozen to the spot. How could Erestor? How could he do this?

Erestor rushed on in a panic.

"It was an accident Maglor! He didn't mean it, he has been wanting to tell you. He didn't want to hurt you."

Glorfindel cowered under the look Maglor fixed him with then. It was as if he could see right through him. He felt stripped to his very bones.
And then Maglor simply shrugged.

"Ah well, no need to look so terrified Glorfindel, it was an accident, no harm done." He patted him on the shoulder.

"But Maglor," Ersstor looked as confused as he felt,"You are not upset? Your father...... This afternoon.....you seemed..."

Maglor smiled happily.

"Curufin says he can fix it. He is good with his hands you know. It will be as good as new he says." He grabbed Erestor's hand,

"Come, I am eager to get to the party, are you coming Glorfindel?" He glanced at him over his shoulder as they left throwing him a brilliant smile. "I must say you are looking exceptionally gorgeous today. You outdo yourself!"

And Glorfindel, despite himself, was completely dazzled.

As he hurried after them he was fuming at Erestor. They were supposed to be friends, best friends, how could he. He drew alongside Erestor and hissed angrily in his ear.

"How could you?"

"Shush," Erestor whispered back, "He has forgiven you, It all worked out."

"It all worked out for you you mean! I can't believe you did that,"

Maglor, who was striding along ahead of them, (really his legs were impossibly long), stopped and turned around.

"What are you whispering about?"

Suddenly he was filled with an overwhelming desire to get his own back.

"Oh," he said nonchalantly, "Erestor was just telling me he thinks he will give us a song tonight." He heard Erestor gasp with horror beside him.

"Really?" Maglor's eyes lit up. " I did not know you were a singer Erestor, you have kept that well hidden."

"I am not...." Erestor cried and Glorfindel turned to him smiling, oh yes getting his own back felt so good.

"Hush now Erestor, Don't hide your light under a bushel. He tells me he is going to seranade his beloved tonight Maglor."

It was all he could do not to grunt as Erestor aimed a rather painful elbow into his ribs.

To his surprise a cloud seemed to pass over Maglor's face at that. It was fleeting though and gone before he was even sure he had seen it.

"Well," Maglor said quietly, "I look forward to hearing it Erestor." He paused lost in thought, his exhuberant mood suddenly changed.

"If you would excuse me," he said turning on his heels, "I must find my brothers." And just like that he was gone, an empty space where his presence had once been.

"I thought he wished us to go to the party with him?" Glorfindel mused out loud. Erestor, beside him was white with fury.

"Thank you Glorfindel."he snapped. "Thank you so very very much!"

...................................

Erestor was not enjoying himself in fact it was possibly the worst party he had ever attended. For a minute, one glorious minute he had thought he might spend the evening in Maglor's company. He had even begun to delude himself into thinking Maglor's bouyant mood might have something to do with himself. But Glorfindel has ruined all that. He kicked angrily at a stone in front of him and scowled.

As if he had heard his very thoughts Glorfindel chose that moment to appear by his side.

"Don't look so melancholy Erestor. This is a truly magnificent party! Come and have fun."

"I am not in the mood." Erestor muttered bitterly.

Glorfindel looked at him carefully.
"Ah, you are angry with me."

"You spoiled everything Glorfindel!"

"Come on Erestor, give it up, you know you have no chance with Maglor.........speaking of Maglor, where is he? I have not seen a glimpse of him, haven't heard him singing either."

Erestor sighed, Glorfindel was at his most tedious this evening and also rather drunk.

"He must have changed his mind, given Fingon his harp back, did you not hear him singing earlier?"

Glorfindel laughed, a bright, brilliant, happy sound

"Did I hear it? How could I not? That terrible wailing. Maedhros is right, in fact caterwauling is quite a kind description of it." He sighed, "It is such a shame I cannot find Maglor, did you hear him say I was absolutely gorgeous!"

"I did hear that." Erestor snapped, and he had not liked it one little bit.

"Calm down Erestor," Glorfindel smiled at him, "I know Maglor Feanorion is not for the likes of me, no matter how gorgeous I may be. We are all far too ordinary for his shining star."

"I think I will go home Glorfindel, I will just depress you all if I stay." He was desperate to get away from this conversation.

Glorfindel looked briefly concerned,

"Shall I walk with you?"

He smiled, trying to look more cheerful and unburdened for he really did not want any company.

"It is alright, stay, have your fun." and he breathed a sigh of relief when Glorfindel took the chance he was offered, he was never one to miss an opportunity, and happily went on his way.

He did not get far on his lonely trek home, the joyful noise of the partygoers echoing behind him, before he was stopped by another. It was of course Maglor, that was just the way this terrible day seemed to be going.

"Erestor," he called, "What is wrong? You look as miserable as I feel."

"Don't worry for me Maglor," he replied lightly although he did not feel it. "I am on my way home, Glorfindel bores me."

Maglor smiled, rather sadly he thought.
"I do not blame you then, I met him just before......he was very......... inebriated, shall we say well lubricated. But you cannot go, you have not yet sung, I have been waiting to hear you."

"Then I have saved you from a terrible fate for I cannot sing a note." He began to walk away but Maglor stepped in front of him.

"You know it does not matter," he said quietly, "If you sing to your beloved, to them your voice will sound as if it is the Valar themselves singing the world alive,....if their love for you is true."

"That is very poetic Maglor but you do not believe that. You told us yourself Maedhros thinks Fingon's singing is truly awful and there is no doubting their love."

Maglor smiled ruefully,
"Yes, indeed he knows Fingon is not exactly gifted with song, he tries to stop him to prevent others laughing behind his back, Maedhros is hurt terribly by that although Fingon doesn't mind, he simply laughs. In private Erestor, he will ask Fingon to sing to him for hours. He loves to listen to him, It warms his heart."

He placed a hand gently on Erestor's arm,

"I would listen to your songs Erestor."

Erestor rolled his eyes at that for the idea of Maglor, his voice the most beautiful he had ever heard, and was likely ever to hear, listening to the tortured notes he would sing was ludicrous.

"In truth Maglor, Glorfindel was only teasing me. There is no one waiting to hear me sing and certainly no one willing to serenade me, Why would they?"

And why would they indeed for Glorfindel was right, he was plain and ordinary and far below Maglor, that much was true.

Maglor gave him a deep intense look, the kind that sent shivers down his spine and made his skin tingle, then his face lit up.

"I must go Erestor!" He cried, suddenly full with energy and purpose."There is something I must do. I will see you tomorrow perhaps," and he was off.

"I will come round tomorrow then," Erestor called after him, "to see if you have work for me."

But he was too late, Maglor had vanished into the dark.

He did not see him the next day, or the day after that. When he went to the Feanorian camp to enquire Celegorm informed him Maglor was composing.

"He has shut himself away Erestor, he does that when he is inspired. He says he writes a song for his beloved. He is the most enthused I have seen him for.......since Father...."

He supposed he should be glad. Maglor was obviously happy, to be writing songs again something must have happened to lighten his load. But a Beloved? He knew of no one and could not think who it could be. Celegorm had not known either, or if he had he was keeping the information to himself.

And so Erestor moped, and wallowed. He was very good at wallowing. He had missed his chance, although he knew at heart he had never had any kind of chance at all. He spent his time wondering, who was it who had won Maglor's heart. Someone special, incredible, not ordinary at all of course.

He retreated to the Library and read. Reading had always provided him with comfort. And so he read, and read some more, ignoring even Glorfindel's pleas for him to come and socialise. It was there Maglor found him one evening when he finally ended his self imposed exile and emerged into the world.

"Erestor, I have been looking everywhere for you. Why are you shut away here? I need you to come with me."

"Do we have work to do?" he asked, "I came to find you but you were......unavailable."

"No work!" Maglor grinned, "I want you to hear my song."

Erestor was startled, torn between longing to hear it and dreading it.

"Shouldn't the one you wrote it for be the first to hear it?" He stammered, but Maglor was not listening,

"Exactly! Come with me." He cried and dragged him out into the dark.

They walked for what seemed hours through the night, until Erestor was quite disorientated and lost.

"Where are we going?"

"It has to be the perfect place." Maglor replied firmly "and I have found it, not long now."

He had to agree when they arrived at their destination that it was the perfect place. A smattering of stars lit the night sky and all was peaceful and quiet.

"What do you think?" Maglor was an eager as a small child and quite unlike himself.

"It is beautiful," Erestor said sadly, how he wished it was him Maglor would bring here with love.

"Sit then and listen." It was an order and Erestor promptly sat. You did what you were told when Maglor spoke like that.

And Maglor began to sing. Erestor had heard him before, often of course but nothing like this. He was transported, lifted out of himself. The song itself was glorious, wonderful, beyond anything he had imagined it might be. Truly some of Maglor's best work.

He sung of his love, burning bright, an endless ache, an explosion of joy, and the one he loved. Gentle, quiet, calm, and yet luminous and blazing, lighting a crowd so all around them faded into gray. Although Erestor listened carefully transfixed he did not know who it was Maglor sung of, he recognised them not at all. There was no one he could think of quite as magnificent as this.....save Maedhros and he knew it was not he.

Eventually it had to end and when it did his face was wet with tears. He did not want it ever to end, it was so beautiful and yet he could not bear to listen to another note. Oh if only, if only he could be loved like that.

Maglor broke the silence.

"What did you think?"

"It was lovely," Erestor said flatly, his voice full of bitterness he could not hide.

And Maglor's face fell.

"You did not like it? Tell me what is wrong and I will change it! I wanted it to be perfect....I thought..."

"No!"
Suddenly he could not tolerate the thought of Maglor changing even one note of that incredible song.

"Don't change it Maglor....it is.....it truly is perfect. Do not listen to me. I am sorry, it is just self pity. I wish.........I really wish one day someone would love like that for me."

"How do you not know?" Maglor's voice was little more than a whisper.
"Did you not listen? Did you not see who it was in the song?"

Erestor frowned slightly in thought.

"I did listen but Maglor, I do not recognise them. I know no one even close to that. I know it is not my right but will you tell me who it is, who is your love?"

He held his breath, who was it? and where could they be for he was sure he did not know them.

"Erestor, it is you."

The world stopped turning.

He could not breathe, the stars spun above him wildly and his heart beat as though it would explode through his chest.
It was him.

That wondrous brilliant love was for him. The shining, radiant, entrancing being was himself. Did Maglor truly, really see him as that?

"Erestor?" Maglor spoke with concern, "Erestor it is too much? Forgive me. You have your own love already? you must of course, how could you not."

"I do." He answered, his tongue sounded thick and clumsy with the words, he felt as if he was in a dream.

"I do have a Beloved. He is more precious to me than life itself, I keep him safe and secret near my heart so no one knows."

"Aye Erestor. I am sorry, I have presumed too much. Is it Glorfindel? Forget this, forget it all. I did not mean to cause you discomfort. I will go."

"Wait!" He cried alarmed, Glorfindel? he wondered, what a strange idea, where had that come from? But Maglor must not go. Not now!

"Maglor wait!" He grasped his hands in his, gently, shyly raised a hand to stroke his cheek. He was awash with joy. Exploding with it, it was not real, it could not be real.

And then he said it. The secret of his heart he had carried for days, months, years. The one he never spoke.

"You cannot go for it is you who is my beloved,
As long as I can remember,

It has always been you."