The Words You Left Me by eris_of_imladris

Half-Brother

Nolofinwë cannot remember a time before he knows of Fëanáro’s greatness. He revolutionizes as easily as he breathes, and he thinks in ways Nolofinwë can’t begin to imagine. He shines as bright as the Trees themselves, and all Nolofinwë wants is to get closer to the light that he is lucky enough to be related to.

But when he voices that thought, he is met with a sigh and a turn of the head, a clench of a fist that perhaps Fëanáro wished he hadn’t seen. Or perhaps he had, because when Fëanáro turns around, the fierce determination in his eyes is back, and he calls him half-brother.

Half is so much less than Nolofinwë wants to be. He knows he is no Fëanáro, inventing languages and learning forgecraft for no reason other than to look impressive. Compared to Fëanáro, Nolofinwë does seem like half of a person, and knowing that his own brother sees him as such only makes him believe it more.

His parents and Findis try to help, but their words stumble. Findis is too critical of Fëanáro, Indis too quiet, Finwë too loud in his defense of his firstborn son. Nolofinwë learns that “half-brother” can tear his family apart if spoken aloud, and so he learns to stay silent. He hides his pain behind smiles that look too easy, behind studies that only make him think of why he is even learning. Fëanáro is his father’s heir, no matter their mothers; why does he have to work so hard to be so much less?

The nights are hardest; when there is no one to make small talk with, Nolofinwë is alone with his knowledge that he is so much less than he needs to be. Second son or not, his father is a king, and he needs to please him, even if it is in such a small way. Finwë smiles at his attempts at scholarship and crafting, but he needs that shine that comes into his father’s eyes every time Fëanáro presents a new discovery. He knows it is Fëanáro’s shine alone, but sometimes, he wishes his brother would share.

He tries, several times, to get Fëanáro to help him become better, but he is met with a carefully built wall and no room to squeeze through. He wonders if Fëanáro is lonely in there, but with no way to get in, he will have to stay on the outside, only a half-brother.

But he still longs to be close to Fëanáro. They call him a living flame, and no matter how many times he is pushed away, Nolofinwë cannot stop himself from getting drawn in.