The Words You Left Me by eris_of_imladris

Noble

As if Nolofinwë was not enough of an insult, Indis’s second son with Fëanáro’s father is named Arafinwë. First wise, then noble, and Fëanáro wonders if anything he has done since Nolofinwë’s birth has mattered at all.

Since his one night of weakness, he has grown from strength to strength, but everything pales in comparison to the face of the new baby and of Indis, healthy after delivering a nearly unheard-of fourth child. He hears the words in the marketplace, not whispers but spoken at full volume, that the Valar bless Finwë’s second marriage, and he knows what that means.

Finwë treats him kindly, but the way he treats Nolo and the girls – and the new baby, of course – is beyond compare. Fëanáro’s own childhood had been filled with grief, and nothing he did had been enough to jolt his father out of the subdued state he was in. But this new Finwë carries his children on his shoulders, reads them stories, tucks them in to bed and hovers in the doorway until they fall asleep. He loves them with his actions, and all the words of praise in the world are not enough for Fëanáro.

He needs to take action, he tells Nerdanel one day after coming home in a rush, his braids askew. She turns from her work, touching his arm with a hand crusted in dried clay. He tells her in a rush that he has been thinking about what she asked, and that he might be willing to sire a child.

Her face breaks into a large smile, and he pictures the muscles withered and limp as her body lays in Irmo’s gardens, and he nearly freezes.

But then he remembers Finwë with his new baby and with Nolo who looks more like him every day, and the kingship that alone can prove his father’s love. If Fëanáro can conquer his greatest fear, he may be able to earn that love at last, and he will be unchallenged, alone at the top. The mere thought fills his heart with dread, but he knows he must exchange one fear for another, for he would never forgive himself if he chose to stand by. He will not let Nolofinwë win by his own inaction.

When Nerdanel tells him she is pregnant, he is seized with a nauseating mix of joy and terror. It is the biggest risk he has ever taken, gambling the life of one who he knew loved him unconditionally in such a callous manner, but he knows that if he fails to play all of his cards now, there may not be another chance.

He lies awake at night staring up at the ceiling, wondering if the deadly game will only leave him more alone. But then he hears the words in the marketplace, and he sees his father clapping Nolofinwë on the back, and he knows there is no going back.