Aftermath by hennethgalad

Chapter 1

Read Chapter 1

 

 

 

As they dressed, Gildis spoke suddenly, in a calm, almost conversational tone.
   "What are you going to do ?"
   Hador was startled, he had forgotten everything in his relief that his marriage was saved, but now they must face the world together, and Fingolfin was waiting. He breathed in sharply, his mind buffeted by memories of his time with the Elf, and the thought of the hidden Dwarven door. He considered lying to Gildis, pretending that henceforth he would merely be a friend to Fingolfin, but he could not bring himself to deceive her, even if he could convince her. He bowed his head.
   "I cannot resist him. You know how they are..."
   She was silent for a time. When she spoke again, her voice was cool and distant, as though she were discussing a theory problem in music, rather than the closest relationship in their lives. "I tried to imagine how I would act... I imagined that Finrod was my lover, and what I would say to you. 
   I understand... Truly I do. But I do not forgive you for including me in your life, for encouraging me to believe that your love for me was more than friendship, that it was something on which to build my life. For this is how you have betrayed me, Hador Lórindol. 
   In Nargothrond I might have found a love which gave me the joy of harmony, not this hollow shell you offer. Oh, not from Felagund, I do not deceive myself ! But there were others there... But there, all that is gone. We must endure what we have. So I say again, what will you do ?"

   Hador sighed, searching for the words that would hurt her least, but there were none. When all his striving came to naught, he faced her, and looked into her distant grey eyes.
   "There are doors in this Hall, secret doors, magic doors ! The Dwarves built them, your beloved Felagund himself had them made for Fingolfin. He has shown me one, in his chambers, there is another near here, though I have not yet seen it. I shall be able to visit him unseen, should that be needed. Though we are accustomed to passing a great deal of time together, and you are always busy with music; I do not know what difference the doors will make. I would not conceal them from you, nor lie to you. I wish... I wish I were different... But there has never been a time, in all my life, when I did not dream of the Elves, and to have the love of one so fair, of Fingolfin himself ! I... I cannot... I cannot wish it otherwise."
   "But what of Dor-lómin ? You have... We have spoken often of the need to be free of their influence, to make a Mortal life, and a Mortal culture, and a place of our own."
  Hador sighed again "I have not forgotten. But... I do not know... My mind is divided against itself... At the hearth, as a child, my father would sing of our people, songs from the East, and I was proud to be the descendant of such mighty folk ! Then my great grandfather would sing a haunting Elvish song, and the walls of the house would disappear, and the wide world, so wide, so very old ! The wide world would be all about me, and I swam in dreams, as a fish in the lake. And my dreams are here ! More than I ever dared to dream ! The... He... We... Oh Gildis, I am unworthy of your love."
   "Truly. But we are wed nonetheless. So, you will continue your relationship with him, but feign indifference before the world ? Do you think these Elves, who read each other’s thought, will not know ?"

   Hador turned away and stared out of the windows at the haze on Ard-galen. "They do not concern themselves overmuch with the... the personal side to such matters. It is less important to them than to us. Perhaps because they live so long... I do not think they will be troubled. Indeed, I fear that even should I say to you 'I shall never touch him again.' " His voice choked at the mere thought, and Gildis glared at him, but he did not see. "Even were it true, and I never did, still I would wish to. And they would see that wish, in my heart and in his. There is no... We cannot hide such a thing. We are not among our kin here, with secrets, and hiding, and lies. There is only what is."
   "Do you love him ?"
   "I... I do not know... There has been no... He merely beckoned, and I went to him. I do not know if he has enchanted me, or if it is the truth of my heart. But it may be that my great grandfather enchanted me in the cradle, and Fingolfin merely plucked the fruit. But then, Fingolfin enchanted old Malach, long ago... How can I say ?"
  "But you must know what you feel !"
   Hador turned back to face her "Yes... At least, I think I do. But when I am with you, and we speak of the future, the world seems very different, and I know that you are right, we are merely Mortal, and must grow as we are, free from their spell. But what shall we become ?"
   But Gildis held up her hand, and he fell silent. "No, you speak only of what you think. You must learn your heart. But tell me, what if there were another who waited behind magic doors, not for you, but for me. What would you feel then ?"
   Hador gaped at her in astonishment. His life, the life of his people, told him that he would seek out the lover and slay him. But his heart lit up with hope, and Fingolfin was waiting for him, and he was free, not only to love him, but freed from guilt that he must. He frowned, and groped for a chair, and sat down, his thoughts scurrying like ants in his mind.

   "Children..." he gasped finally "What if there were children, and we did not know who..."
   Gildis laughed bitterly "What if I loved a woman ?"
   Hador widened his eyes, "Do you ?"
   "No. But you have avoided the question ! This is about us, not any children we might have." She snorted sarcastically "Besides, your precious Fingolfin believes the words of the seer, that your children and his will be united in blood. You have shown your distaste for married love, I do not fear a rival other than the one I know. If you are to have a child, it will be I who carry it. 
   But what if I took a lover ? What would you feel ? Would anything more than your vanity be hurt ?"
   Hador frowned and sighed "Oh Gildis... I am so very sorry. I do not know how you came to love me, knowing what I am... When first I went to Fingolfin, I did not love him, though he was my idol. But now, after all the time together... I turn to him in all things... I hoped, I still hope, that you and I, together, can come to such harmony, and share our lives, and grow old, when he had cast me aside..."
   "Ha, so I am to have the leftovers from his feast ? What riches ! But is there to be no feast for me ? You do not answer my question, Lórindol." The scorn she put into his name shocked him into new awareness; of her pain, and his own confusion. He wondered what to say. He could tell her that he would not mind if she took a lover, but then she might be hurt even by that, for it would merely prove how little he cared. But he did care. Even were they not who they were, even were he a humble soldier and she his humble wife, still he cared. They had been through so much, he could not add to the pain she felt.

   "I... You must do as you wish, Gildis. I cannot..."
   "You do not care, do you ? As long as you can run to his bed, you do not care what else happens."
   Hador felt the blood rush to his cheeks, thinking of Fingolfin, sitting in his chair, waiting... He thought of the painting of him that Írimë had given them, the thoughtful look on the face of the High King, that Fingolfin had hated, saying it made him look puzzled. Words from the lessons in Thought that the Elves had taught him came to his mind 'The more you think you know, the less you can learn.'

   "I think... I think we must... We have much to learn yet. When... When we know more, we will think differently. Or perhaps only I am ignorant. I am not an Elf, I cannot read your thought, I can scarcely read my own ! But I would not hurt you, even with a lie. If you find the love that I should give you, with another, I cannot begrudge you that. But... But I would... I shall strive to make you happy, and hope that you will not need to seek another."
   "Happy ? Fool ! You have already broken my heart ! Happy !" She turned away, her fists clenched, her teeth bared. He looked up at her fine profile and wondered at himself. It had seemed the perfect match, for she was all he could wish for in a wife, and more. But in his heart he began to question whether he truly wished for a wife at all. Fingolfin gave him everything he needed, companionship, laughter, pride, and intense love. They spent all their time together, he had never seriously considered even limiting the time he spent with the Elf, nor imagined that he should no longer be in bed with him. He began to wonder if he knew himself at all. The stories he had told himself, of following in his father’s path, of raising children in Dor-lómin with Gildis, had been as the words of familiar songs, and he merely a member of the chorus, reciting his lines. But the words had not yet reached his heart.

   He rose to his feet and laid a hand gently upon her arm. "Oh Gildis... I am truly sorry. I hope that you do find the love you seek. I had hoped... No, I still hope that together we shall grow closer in time, and I shall learn... But if that is not... If we do not... Then you must do as you please, of course."
   She looked at him with anger close to hate "Do you ask me to wait for you ? After we are wed ? In case you decide you do like me ? Or women at all ? Or in case he tires of you ?"

   Hador put his hands over his face, pressing his fingers into his eyes until the stars burst within him.
   "Gildis... I have asked your forgiveness. You must do as you see fit. I cannot... I have no more to give, nor to say." he looked up again, and into her eyes as she turned to him once more "I have told you all that I can of what is in my heart. I truly believed my words to you, when I spoke them. I truly wish to sit by the hearth with you, and sing to our children. But Fingolfin..."

   Gildis narrowed her eyes, her words came hissing between her teeth "Get out. Go to him ! Go to him until you have scratched your itch. Submit to the Elves like a good little slave !" She sagged then, her anger spent, or merely exhausted "Oh Hador, I too know the songs, both theirs, and our own. It may be that you speak truly. For if Felagund had loved me, I would never have left Nargothrond. It may be that I am not jealous but envious, for you have found a love that I merely dreamed of.
  I knew... I knew, yet still I accepted your hand. They speak of the Music, but they say that we Mortals are free of it, free to choose for ourselves, in ways that they never can. But how can this be, if our lives are entwined with theirs ? If we move through time together, and they are not free, how can we be free ? We are caught up in their dance, Hador, and we must move with them. But tell him... Tell him that we shall give him his child, but that he must, in the end, let us go. We must live apart from their timelessness, their immortality, their world. We must look to the changing seasons and the changes of time.
We must travel to the House of your father, for I would meet your mother before..."

   Hador swallowed; the thought of home, and his dying mother, descended upon him like winter rain. "Oh Gildis ! I am in a dream ! I am in a song, in the Music... I am under their spell ! How I admire you, having the strength to leave Nargothrond, having the pride ! Ha ! He would not even take me there, for fear that I would remain ! Yet here you are... 
   They are so strange ! What can I do ?"

   Gildis shook her head, then laid her hand on his "My poor Hador, you are like a bone fought over by dogs... We shall see what time may bring. I do not think there is malice in you. If I am hurt, it is not through your will. But I am hurt. And it is to you that I should turn for comfort, but I cannot. We must... we must... I do not know. You must consider these thoughts, Hador Lórindol, for you will be asked to lead our people when your father's time ends, and if you cannot, if you do not know your own heart, how can you know the hearts of others ? 
   But I fear that you will confide in Fingolfin, and he will speak to you, and his words will come to seem as your own thoughts, and change you. You would ride two horses at once, and the horses have minds of their own."
   Hador looked at her as though he had never seen her before. She was so calm and sensible, when he felt sure that he himself would have burned with rage. His admiration grew; the more she strove to shrug him off, the more he would hold her close. He stood, indecisive, until she laughed once, and pointed to the door. 
   "Go, Hador ! Go to him ! I can hear no more of your excuses ! I would say 'remember who you are.' But first you must learn who you are, and then you will know what to do."

 

   Hador hurried down the corridor, his heart strangely light within him, eager to see Fingolfin, and tell him all that had happened. But when he reached the chambers of the High King, there was nobody there.

   He stood in the empty rooms, utterly at a loss. He could not return to his own rooms, where Gildis was. He could not seek out the High King. He ran his hand through his hair, frowning, and finally sat down, drained by the storm of passion and the events of the last days.

   He was wed, but to whom ?