A Soul like broken Wings by chrissystriped

The falcon beat his wings restlessly, his talons buried in the thick leather glove Eonwe was wearing. He caressed Reviahûn’s soft breast feathers before laying his hand on his back, that always seemed to calm him  - at least from him. Since the falcon had landed exhaustedly on his balcony a few weeks ago, he let no one beside him get close. Not even Manwe.

Reviahûn seemed to have forgotten everything. When he touched his being, Eonwe didn’t find the mind of a Maia who had chosen the shape of an animal, just the mind of an animal. It had frightened him at first, but then he had found the Wall and knew there was still hope. The Wall didn’t allow Eonwe passage and he mustn’t breach it forcibly, but he was sure that Reviahûn was hiding behind it. He seemed to have buried his self deep inside his being.

What did they do to you? Eonwe never asked him that question, Reviahûn was running from something and he wouldn’t force him to face it – he was glad that he had run to him. He had thought to never see him again after Melkor had abducted him and he didn’t want to picture what Reviahûn had been forced to endure in the meantime that had made him embrace the falcon and hole up inside.

“Reviahûn”, he hummed at the falcon. “Beloved. Come back to me. Let me help you. We can do this together.”

Did the falcon know why he had come to him? Why he felt safe with him? He had to be in there somewhere! Eonwe caressed the falcon’s feathers and started to talk, telling him about their past. He had done this often in the last weeks, always hoping to draw Reviahûn out.

The memories came easy to his lips. How they had noticed each other for the first time in the Timeless Halls, their beings without physical form but still unique. Two beings sharing a song. Their first kiss, an innocent thing, more a touch of their minds than their bodies. The many shared flights and hunts. The union of their bodies and souls. Eonwe wiped tears from his cheeks.

“I love you, Reviahûn. I love you so much. Please, wake up. I miss you. Come back to me.”

The falcon tried to let the Maia’s words not touch him. They’d wake images, happy images, but it wouldn’t stop there. All the bad things... no, that had happened to a man and he was just a bird. He wanted to stay a bird and forget the pain. But the Maia sounded so sad, he became sadder every day. The falcon should have stayed away from him, he knew that, but he couldn’t. He felt drawn to him like on an invisible string. He longed for him. His hand on his sk... plumage. Eonwe...

The name came from nowhere and with it a flood of memories that swept his calm away. Eonwe kissing his lips. Eonwe gently caressing his naked skin. Eonwe who loved him and who he didn’t deserve anymore. Not after the darkness. Not after the things Sauron had done to him. The falcon screamed in despair and then he wasn’t a falcon anymore. Reviahûn huddled trembling on the floor. Eonwe reached for him but he shrank back. He was so dirty, he had no right to the closeness of this wonderful man – Eonwe just didn’t know it yet.

“Go”, Reviahûn begged. “Please, leave!”

“Reviahûn”, whispered Eonwe and made step in his direction, Reviahûn cowered against the wrought iron of the balcony.

“Please!” Reviahûn sobbed, Eonwe was so full of pain at his rejection and that hurt him so much. But he hadn’t a right to be close to him anymore. Eonwe left without another word and Reviahûn slumped crying.

He didn’t know how long he had sat there on the tiles of the balcony when he felt someone coming closer. Manwe’s being touched his. Gentle, cool and soothing like a breeze. Reviahûn looked up, wiping his eyes, his Master stood in the door and looked worried. “Let me help you, my friend”, he said softly.

Reviahûn shook his head, his body wreaked with sobs. “I let you down. It is my fault... my fault that...” The Trees, he had been supposed to protect them.

“No”, Manwe said and he sounded so decisive that Reviahûn fell silent. “It was Melkor’s fault – and that of Ungoliant – not anyone else’s, least of all yours. You couldn’t have defeated him.”

Reviahûn’s lip quivered, but he didn’t start crying again. He longed for Manwe to hug him and as if he had heard him, he came slowly closer and pulled him against his chest. Reviahûn buried his head on his shoulder and closed his eyes. He was so exhausted... the new body... and all that crying... and Manwe was safety.

“Don’t let Eonwe come close”, he asked softly before he succumbed to sleep.

Reviahûn had spent the last days just staring at the ceiling and trying not to think of what had happened to him. He was weak, his body hale but his soul too sore to inhabit it properly. More often than not, he woke screaming from a dream. Manwe was always there, calming him, holding him until he fell asleep again or it turned morning. Manwe was there now when he woke and Reviahûn felt immediately secure.

Reviahûn slowly opened his eyes but couldn’t meet Manwe’s gaze. He was so ashamed of everything that had happened. No, maybe he really couldn’t have achieved anything against Melkor, but Sauron... Sauron was a Maia like him and not that more powerful. He should have put up more of a fight – but every refusal had been met with so much pain... even more pain than he had been subjected to anyway.

“Reviahûn?” Manwe spoke quietly as if he expected a loud voice to frighten him and he realised that he'd started to tremble.

“Yes, Manwe?” He lifted his eyes before quickly looking away again.

“You are hurt, my friend.” It wasn’t a question and Reviahûn wasn’t surprised at that. It was obvious that it was true. “And I want to help you heal, but I’m afraid to do something wrong.”

“Please don’t send me away!” Reviahûn felt his panic rise. Was he so useless now that his Master rejected him?

“No, Reviahûn, I didn’t intend to.” Manwe laid his hand on his shoulder and Reviahûn leaned into his touch. “But that’s what I mean. I say something and don’t know how you’ll react to it. I don’t want to make it worse.”

Reviahûn choked on a sob. “You can’t make it worse.”

Manwe’s hand squeezed his shoulder. “What I wanted to say is: Irmo might be more suited to care for you. You can stay here, of course”, Manwe added quickly, he must have felt Reviahûn tense. “And if you want, I’ll stay with you and... hold you?”

“I don’t know if I can bear anyone else nearby”, Reviahûn answered quietly.

Manwe didn’t ask, but Reviahûn could still hear the question. He wavered between the wish to ignore it and the desire to confide in Manwe.

“Because you are my Master”, he finally said. “No matter how much I disappointed you, you are my Master and you are gracious and I know that you’ll forgive me. I can trust you. And you never looked at me like... like Eonwe. You don’t want me like that.”

Manwe sat down beside him on the bed and Reviahûn hid in his arms.

“I trust Irmo”, Manwe said and his voice vibrated under Reviahûn’s ear. “You trust me. Do you think, you can trust him, because I trust him?”

Reviahûn mulled it over, Manwe’s hand caressed his back calmingly. Irmo would ask questions. Painful questions about things he wanted to forget, but... even the falcon hadn’t slept through a single night because Sauron followed him to his dreams. He knew that he wouldn’t forget, he needed help.

“Now. I... I’ll try if you stay with me, but I can’t wait for it.”

Manwe nodded slowly. “He’ll come. And if it is too soon, he’ll leave again. I promise.”

Irmo didn’t let him wait. Reviahûn felt a cold weight sink to his stomach. It wasn’t Irmo, more the prospect of the questions. Irmo sat on the chair Manwe had left when he sat beside him on the bed.

“I won’t force you to tell me anything, Reviahûn”, he said. “I’ll ask a few questions, but if you don’t want to answer – or can’t – I’ll not insist. And I won't judge you, no matter what you tell me. Do you want Manwe to stay?”

Reviahûn nodded. He wasn’t afraid for his Master to hear what he would say, he’d never had secrets from him.

“Yes”, he said softly and braced himself.

“Why don't you want to see Eonwe?”

“I... I...” He shook his head and held tight to Manwe, he couldn’t say it.

Irmo nodded, his Music soothing. “I’m just wondering, because when you wore the shape of a falcon, only Eonwe was allowed to come close to you. Can you tell me, why?”

“The falcon knew that he’d be safe with Eonwe. The falcon didn’t remember and Eonwe was safety.”

Reviahûn’s breath calmed, Irmo’s presence felt good. He didn’t demand anything of him. He could answer or not and it would have no consequences whatever he said or didn't say.

“And now you aren’t safe with him anymore?”

Reviahûn shook his head. “That’s not it.”

He wasn’t sure if he... could with Eonwe and, anyway, it hurt too much to contemplate something he’d never have now.

“I’m not afraid of him. That’s not the reason why I can’t be close to him.”

Reviahûn looked at the white blanket. White. Pure. Like he wasn’t any longer. He clenched his hands and wished he could be the falcon again. The falcon’s heart hadn’t hurt like his. But he had just lost a body, he was too weak to change shape again.

“I’m weak”, he whispered.

Manwe held him close. “You aren’t”, he said softly, but Reviahûn knew that his Master wasn’t right this time. He shook his head.

“What... what he - Sauron - did to me... Eonwe has to forget me. I don’t deserve him anymore, I’m not... not worthy of him.”

“Oh, Reviahûn”, Irmo’s Music remained gentle, “that’s not true.”

“You are very kind to say that, herunya”, whispered Reviahûn, “but you don’t know...” He broke again into sobs and leaned into Manwe, who rubbed his back.

“Do you want to talk about what happened? Why you think that? I know you have bad dreams.”

Reviahûn shook his head. “Please.”

“I won’t force you”, Irmo said. “I could come to your dreams, help you through those nightmares.”

Reviahûn peeked at him through the hair that had fallen into his face. “You would do that for me?” He was so much trouble for them.

“Of course.” Irmo smiled at him. “I think, I should leave now. You can call me any time, if you want to talk.”

“Thank you, herunya.” Reviahûn closed his eyes, he was so tired.

“How is he? Can I see him?”

Eonwe had barely left the hallway before Reviahûn’s room in the last days. He couldn’t bear to be parted from his beloved – again. Reviahûn was hurt, he should be there for him. Manwe shook his head, giving him a pitying look.

“It would be better if you stay away from him for now, Eonwe. He is... not well.”

Eonwe stared at his Master, speechless. “Of course he isn't. But... I love him, Manwe!”, he finally stuttered. “Please, let me talk to him. I’ll be gentle.”

“I know.” Manwe patted his shoulder. “But he begged me to keep you away.”

“Why?”, Eonwe choked out. “Why would he say that?”

“I don’t think that’s for me to tell.” Manwe lifted his hand when Eonwe wanted to say that it didn’t look like Reviahûn would tell him. “No, Eonwe. I know how much this hurts, but Reviahûn is not in a good condition and to see you would upset him too much. Irmo is going to look after him. I promise you, this is not forever, but right now the best you can do for him, is to stay away.”

Eonwe blinked hard to keep his tears back. “But... doesn’t he love me anymore?”

“Oh my friend,” Manwe embraced him. “If you ask me, he loves you too much. I can’t say what he thinks or what happened to him in Angband, but I’m sure that he still loves you. He suffers by pushing you away, but he thinks it’s better for you. Right now, it would hurt him even more to see you, because he’d have to tell you that then. Please, be patient.”

Eonwe nodded slowly. Patience. That wasn’t his strong suit. Manwe smiled wryly as if he knew what he was thinking.

“Learn to be patient for him.”

Eonwe sailed in the sky, let himself be carried on the upwinds and wished for Reviahûn to be at his side. But even if his beloved would have wanted to be with him, he was too weak to change his shape. Obviously the death of a body had far reaching consequences. The eagle cried out. He was so frustrated. He tried to have patience, but it was so hard. Months had passed and still Reviahûn hid from him.

At least he could be sure that he was in good hands with Manwe and Irmo – he was grateful that both Valar looked after him. As if he had heard him think his name, he felt Irmo’s soul against his own and Eonwe followed his voice. You didn’t let a Vala wait and he hoped he could tell him about Reviahûn. Manwe didn’t talk about what Reviahûn said to him. Eonwe alighted on the island in the lake and walked to the house. The Vala waited for him in a bright room, the high windows looked out on the lake.

Eonwe bowed to him and sat on the offered chair.

“How is he?”

“Better... in some respects.” Irmo looked so seriously at him that he straightened. “I’m reluctant to do something that is expressly against the wish of someone who is under my care, but... Reviahûn isn’t keeping you at a distance out of fear and I think you might be able to help.”

“How? I’ll do anything”, Eonwe said immediately. He wanted to see his beloved so much.

“That’s good to hear. I see how much he suffers by not being with you and...”

“He wants to be with me?”, Eonwe interrupted him disbelieving. “But why...”

“He thinks, he doesn’t deserve you anymore. I won’t go into detail about what Artano did to him, but it was bad. He was tortured and abused and humiliated. He feels dirty and inferior and not worthy of you. He thinks, if you were near to him, you would realise sooner or later that you don’t want him, he wants to spare himself that – and you, too – and so he keeps away. But yes, he wants to be with you.”

Eonwe stared at Irmo. He didn’t know what to say, it was so... “But... but doesn’t he know that I love him?” Eonwe felt tears come to his eyes. “I’d never think about him like that! It isn’t his fault that all these things were done to him!”

Irmo nodded slowly. “And that’s why I told you. I can help him with his dreams and other things, but for this he needs you. I think, you should remind him that you want him, whatever may come.”

The barn owl alighted soundlessly on the balcony rail. His night eyes saw that the occupant of the room lay in his bed and slept. He shook his feathers and braced himself for a sleepless night. Eonwe didn’t want to disrupt Reviahûn’s sleep, Irmo worked with dreams and he didn’t want to interfere. He would prove to Reviahûn that he wanted him, no matter what that bastard had done to him. In the morning, when he woke. He just didn’t know yet, how. Somehow he was sure that words wouldn’t impress Reviahûn.

The owl kept his eyes glued on the sleeping Maia. Reviahûn was restless, tossing about and whimpering. It was so hard to watch, but Eonwe feared that he'd frighten him more if he woke him, and finally Reviahûn calmed again. The moon set in the west, a rosy hue lighted the sky over the mountains and Reviahûn moved. Eonwe felt him startle when he noticed him at waking. He left the rail and changed shape. The door opened from the outside as well as from the inside, they often used balcony doors as front doors in Ilmaren. Reviahûn stood up hastily, putting the bed between them.

“Eonwe!” There was panic in his eyes. “Please, leave!”

“Why?”

Eonwe had wanted to be gentle – Reviahûn had been tortured and he didn’t want to frighten him – but now he felt all that frustration, that had piled up in the last months, wanted out.

“What’s wrong, Reviahûn? What did I do to you?”

He decided impulsively to play dumb. Reviahûn mustn’t lose his trust in Irmo.

“Nothing.” Reviahûn was shaking and slung his arms around himself. “Please, Eonwe.”

“Reviahûn, we are a couple! Don’t you think I deserve an explanation at least?”

Reviahûn whimpered, his Music disharmonious with despair. Eonwe just wanted to embrace him and make it better somehow.

“Let me help you, Reviahûn”, he whispered.

Reviahûn slumped sobbing on the bed. Eonwe didn’t move, waited, although his heart was slowly being torn into shreds. He felt so useless!

“Don’t you understand, Eonwe?”, Reviahûn finally sobbed. “I’m damaged, soiled. You deserve someone better than me, someone pure.”

“I don’t understand a word, Reviahûn.” Eonwe moved closer and saw Reviahûn’s shoulders tense. “Are you afraid of me, love?”

Reviahûn shook his head. “Believe me, you don’t want me anymore after what he did to me. I’m so dirty, Eonwe, you shouldn’t stain yourself on me.”

Eonwe stared at Reviahûn’s trembling body. Damaged. Dirty. Soiled. He realised that he hadn’t completely believed what Irmo had said, but to hear it from Reviahûn himself made it real. I think you should remind him that you want him, Irmo had said. And suddenly he knew what he would do. It was crazy and probably would make everything worse, but...

“So you say... if you didn’t think for some preposterous reason that you don’t deserve me, you wouldn’t be afraid to be with me... have sex with me?”, he made certain. Reviahûn looked at him with red rimmed eyes.

“No... at least I don’t think so.”

He gave a startled squeak when Eonwe jumped at him and flipped him on his back, his wrists securely in his grasp. Reviahûn stared at him wide-eyed.

“You are mine!”, Eonwe growled. “Do you hear me?”

He gathered Reviahûn’s wrists in one hand and gripped his chin with his free one.

“Mine! It’s not for you to decide if I want you. I want you! Don’t you dare doubt that. Do you understand?”

Reviahûn just stared at him his breath hitching.

“I said: Do you understand?”, Eonwe snarled at him.

“Yes”, Reviahûn whispered. “Eonwe, please... would you... would you do something for me?”

Eonwe nodded curtly. Not sure if he could keep this front up for much longer.

“I’m yours, I want to be yours”, Reviahûn croaked, but his gaze didn’t waver as he continued. “Take possession of me again.”

Eonwe kissed him roughly, his hand slid down to palm his cock, he’d slept naked, and Reviahûn moaned softly.

“You want me to fuck you?”

Reviahûn nodded. “I want to feel you inside me, Eonwe. Make me forget his hands on me. Don’t...”, he gulped, “don’t be gentle. Make me yours.”

He should be frightened by the way Eonwe stooped over him. His hands were caught in his grip and his weight was holding him down. Reviahûn only noticed now that the body he had chosen was more lean and delicate than his old one – they had been evenly matched once. He should be afraid of being so completely at his mercy. But his heart didn’t race with fear.

You are mine!, Eonwe had said. He shivered with desire when Eonwe’s hand stroked his cock. He had longed for him – he hadn’t been sure if this was possible but... he had wanted him. He had just thought he couldn’t have him. Eonwe’s words somehow made it possible for him to believe that what had happened didn’t matter.

He had kept away from Eonwe, although it had hurt so much and he still thought that he wasn’t worthy of him.

‘It’s not for you to decide if I want you.’

Didn’t he have to believe Eonwe if he told him so clearly, who he belonged to? Not Sauron – Eonwe. And if that was true... He wanted to be his – in a way he hadn’t known before. Reviahûn whimpered when Eonwe entered him slowly. He'd almost forgotten how good this could feel.

“Mine!”, Eowne gasped, his breath hot on his neck. “But I won't hurt you. I don't need to be rough to make you mine.”

Reviahûn moved with him, moaned loudly when Eonwe’s hand closed around his arousal. (He’d mock him for it... but no, not Eonwe. He was with Eonwe now.)

“This... this is mine, too”, he growled. “Say it!”

“I belong to you!”, gasped Reviahûn, the pleasure shooting through his body so intense that talking was becoming harder every moment. “Completely. My pleasure. My pain. My bodies – no matter which I wear – my whole being. Yours, my song.” Reviahûn felt tears come to his eyes.

“And I want you. All of you. With all your dark memories.” Eonwe kissed the tears from his cheeks. “Don’t you dare to think otherwise again.”

He let go of his hands to better angle his thrusts and Reviahûn wrapped them around Eonwe's neck, holding tight as his thrusts became quicker.

Eonwe groaned when he came inside him and continued to stroke him until Reviahûn followed. Reviahûn sobbed, clinging to him as tears rand down his cheeks. Now that he was here, he didn’t want to let him go. He was so afraid that he would leave him. Eonwe’s eyes, his Music had become gentle again. He didn’t say anything, just held him in his arms and stroked his hair until Reviahûn’s tears dried and he fell asleep again.

Eonwe felt the trembling that ran through Reviahûn’s body when he woke around midday. He was almost sure that his beloved would throw him out after what he had done. But he hadn’t known another way.

“Eonwe?”, he whispered with closed eyes.

“I’m here”, he answered softly. “But if you want me to leave...”

“No!”, Reviahûn interrupted him. “Please.”

“I’m here”, Eonwe repeated and hugged him tighter. “I’m sorry. I shouldn't have...”

Reviahûn shook his head and finally opened his eyes to look at him. “You did the right thing. I... I wouldn’t have believed you if you had been more gentle. You were gentle, you just didn't talk like it. Maybe I’ve been the possession of others for so long that I only understand it that way.”

Eonwe felt the pain behind his words and held him close. It wasn’t over. It would be foolish to think that it would be that easy. But at least Reviahûn was talking to him now and that was progress.

“You always liked it when I told you that I want you”, he said. “I thought, I’d make that indisputable.”

He trailed the freckles on Reviahûn’s shoulders with his fingertips, it looked like the little speckles formed feathers under his skin. They had fought playful fights in  the sky to decide who’d be on top in bed. Sometimes he had won, sometimes Reviahûn had won – and sometimes Eonwe had let him win because he wanted him on top that day. Eonwe had enjoyed it then, when he could finally make him his – and he had felt the same pleasure in Reviahûn’s Music.

“I can’t do that anymore”, Reviahûn whispered as if he’d read his thoughts – and maybe he had, they had been so close once that they had heard each other’s thoughts even if they didn’t consciously comunicate them.

Eonwe continued to caress Reviahûn’s shoulders. He didn’t want to push him, but he didn’t want to make him feel like he couldn’t talk about this with him either.

“He hurt me so much when I fought him – even more than he already did anyway”, his beloved whispered and when he closed his eyes two tears ran down his cheeks.

“Melkor?”, Eonwe asked softly and caught the tears with his thumb.

He’d never said anything, because he didn’t want to contradict his Master, but he had shared Ulmo’s and Tulkas’s distrust – they should never have allowed Melkor to walk free.

Reviahûn shook his head. “He captured me but... he wasn’t interested in me, he didn’t care what happened to me. He gave me to Sauron – that’s how the slaves call him and he deserves the name – you’ll know him as Artano. I was his and he... He tortured me because he enjoyed it and then he raped me.” Reviahûn sobbed and Eonwe rubbed his neck.

“Shh. You don’t have to tell me, except if you want to. I’ll listen, but I won’t pry.”

Reviahûn shook his head. “Not today. But do you understand now... do you really still want to be with me?”

Eonwe kissed his lips gently. “Always”, he said softly. “And if you don’t want – or can’t – fight anymore, we’ll toss a coin.”

Reviahûn laughed and laid his head on Eonwe’s chest. “I missed you, my song”, he whispered so softly that Eonwe almost didn’t hear it – but he could feel it.

“I was so afraid for you”, Eonwe answered. “If they’d let me, nothing would have stopped me from flying to Angband and taking you home. For you I’d even take it up with Melkor.”

He didn’t know what it was he had said, but Reviahûn tensed in his arms.

“Eonwe... would you leave me now, please? I have to think about something.”

Eonwe’s heart constricted painfully, he wanted to protest but he didn’t. He’d give Reviahûn the time and space he needed. Maybe he’d already gone too far. Slowly he stood up.

“Can I...” His voice broke at the thought that Reviahûn might say no and he coughed. “Can I come back in the evening?”

Reviahûn looked up and nodded once. “You can. I don’t want to push you away again, Eonwe. But I need a little... time to myself.”

Eonwe nodded. “Don’t worry too much”, he said gently and blew him a kiss before he dressed with a thought and left Reviahûn’s room.

Reviahûn stood on the balcony, the wind tousling his hair and making the hem of his robe flap. It was late, the sun ship sinking into Ekkaia to make to journey east. Soon Eonwe would come back. Reviahûn shivered a little. He had thought about it the whole day, but he was still not sure if he could say it. Didn’t this belong in Angband? Did he still think like a slave? But he had hurt Eonwe so much... although he’d thought it was for his best. Reviahûn still wasn’t sure if letting him get close was the best for Eonwe.

‘It’s not for you to decide if I’m supposed to want you.’

Reviahûn shivered as Eonwe’s words came to his mind again and how he had sounded when he said it... Reviahûn hugged himself and wished it were Eonwe’s arms holding him. This morning he hadn’t had any doubts that Eonwe wanted him. As if the thought had summoned him, there was a knock at the door.

“Come...” Reviahûn coughed when his voice failed. “Come in.”

He turned halfway to look at Eonwe who slowly walked in. Eonwe didn’t ask: ‘How are you?’ He surely heard it clearly. He came closer and spread his arms, a silent offer and Reviahûn let himself sink against his chest, letting his warm arms embrace him. He closed his eyes, breathed Eonwe’s smell – wind and clouds and snow.

“Were you in the mountains today?”, he asked and Eonwe made an affirmative sound.

“I think, Manwe tries to keep me busy, though I won’t brood too much about you”, he said with an amused smile.

Reviahûn felt guilty. He didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t want Eonwe to suffer because of him. He smiled when a soft breeze that didn’t come from the window moved his hair. He opened his eyes and looked at the wings that enveloped him in a white and caramel cocoon.

Reviahûn caressed the feathers beside his head and smiled at Eonwe. This felt so good. For a long moment he let his thoughts come to rest and just enjoyed being secure.

“Reviahûn...” Eonwe licked his lips. “I just wanted to say... we don’t have to have sex, if you don’t want to. I can wait.”

Reviahûn shook his head. “I didn’t lie when I said that I’m not afraid of that. Maybe I should, but...” Reviahûn shrugged. “I know that you aren’t Sauron.”

“Good.”

Eonwe caressed his back with long, firm strokes and Reviahûn hummed with pleasure, kissing his neck.

“But thank you for your concern.” Reviahûn licked his lips but then he decided to keep his thoughts to himself for now. Eonwe’s Music was so full of love and he felt so good in this twofold embrace. He didn’t want to lose that now. “And right now... can we just cuddle”

“Of course.” Eonwe’s gaze was soft. “Bed?”

Reviahûn nodded and Eonwe opened his wings. Reviahûn immediately missed the embrace and asked him to fold them around him again when they had gotten comfortable. Eonwe did it with a smile and kissed his forehead. Reviahûn snuggled into him, the wings soft around his body. He hadn’t been that relaxed in a long while, he hadn’t realised how much is muscles had hurt. It felt good. So good. He closed his eyes and listened to Eonwe’s breath, his slow heartbeat under his ear, the rustling of his feathers...

Eonwe was awake when Reviahûn tensed in his arms, he didn’t need that much sleep and he enjoyed it too much to be close to Reviahûn to waste the time with him. A quiet whimper left Reviahûn’s lips and Eonwe shook him gently.

“Reviahûn?” He was having a nightmare. “Reviahûn, wake up!”

“No!”, his beloved screamed and opened his eyes, trembling and panting.

“It’s okay, Reviahûn”, Eonwe murmured. “No one is hurting you.”

Reviahûn squirmed out of his arms and stumbled on the balcony where he clung sobbing to the railing. Eonwe sat up and watched him with acing heart. He felt so powerless. Reviahûn was hurting and there was nothing he could do.

“There was a boy”, Reviahûn suddenly said. “He was... a Noldo but he was so young.” Reviahûn sniffled. Eonwe saw that he wiped his eyes. “He shouldn’t have been there. None of them should have been there, but he was almost a child. I forsook him. If I’d had my body better under control...”

“Reviahûn”, Eonwe whispered and stood slowly up. Reviahûn turned around, his eyes shining with tears.

“I... Sauron wanted me anyway, but after Mablung came there, I made certain that Sauron didn’t look at anyone else. What if he... now that I’m gone...” Reviahûn threw himself into his arms and buried his face on his shoulder.

“Reviahûn”, Eonwe whispered again and stroked his head. “I’m sure you did what you could to help him.”

“I didn’t tell anyone about him”, Reviahûn whispered. “Not Irmo, not Manwe. They... are so angry with people like him.”

People like him...

“He fought in Alqualonde?”, Eonwe asked and felt a shiver run down his spine. None of them had thought that elves were capable of something like that.

Reviahûn nodded. “He has nightmares about it. He... he isn’t a bad person, he was just swept up in it. He’s so afraid of Mandos... because of what Namo said to them. He doesn’t want to die and I... idiot that I am, strengthened his beliefs! Wouldn’t it have been more kind to tell him death is merciful? You can’t imagine how it is there, Eonwe, what he’ll have to do to stay alive.”

“No, I really can’t”, Eonwe said slowly, “but Reviahûn, I know how horrified and angry they – we – were. I saw it, Reviahûn! Manwe ordered me to watch the Noldor. I saw them murdering the Teleri – and if I hadn’t been ordered not to intervene, I’d have fought on the Teleri’s side. Namo might not be needlessly cruel, but he is just and they’ll have to atone for what they did. I’m not sure how merciful his death would be.”

Reviahûn sobbed and Eonwe held him close.

“I’m sorry, my song. I wish I could tell you something more comforting.”

“I just wish I could have saved him”, Reviahûn whispered.

“But maybe this is Father’s plan?”, Eonwe said cautiously.

Their father knew that he had doubted him often these last years, but maybe the thought would help him – and himself, too.

“Maybe your boy has a task there”, he continued. “Maybe you had to be there to help him survive.”

Reviahûn looked up surprised. “That... I didn’t think about it that way.”

He smiled weakly and Eonwe felt guilty for trying to make him believe in something he wasn’t completely sure of himself.

“It’s an... encouraging thought.”

Eonwe kissed his forehead and hoped that he wouldn’t hear his doubts. Reviahûn felt like hope and he didn’t want to take it away from him again.

Reviahûn felt rested when he woke, still hugged by Eonwe’s pinions. He had allowed himself to be persuaded to lie down again after their nightly conversation, although he’d thought he wouldn’t fall asleep again. He snuggled up to his beloved and sighed when he caressed his hair. His body felt more right than it had for a long time.

“Thank you, Eonwe”, he whispered.

“For what?”, Eonwe asked surprised.

“For coming to me although I didn’t want you to. For not giving up on me. I love you.”

Eonwe beamed at him. “I love you, too, Reviahûn, always.”

Reviahûn’s stomach rumbled and Eonwe looked surprised.

“Do you need food?”

Reviahûn nodded ashamed. “I’m so weak now...”

“Stop it”, Eonwe interrupted him. “Or do you want me to get angry again? You’ve been through a lot, including the loss of a body. You’ll get better. Let’s find breakfast. What do you think about a trip to Valmar? Elves cook so much better than we.”

Reviahûn smiled at him. “That would be nice, I think.”

“Have you been outside since...” Eonwe stopped, obviously not sure how to end his sentence.

“I was in the garden a few times, with Manwe or Irmo, but not outside Ilmaren.”

Eonwe stood up, kissing his cheek before letting go, and opened the dresser beside the bed. Reviahûn put on the robe he offered him and combed his hair. It still felt strange to have it long again... Reviahûn chased the thought away. Breakfast with Eonwe in the sunlight. He smiled at his beloved again. He could look forward to that.

They walked in a leisurely pace because Reviahûn didn’t have enough control over his shape yet, to travel like their kind usually did. Eonwe knew that it would get better with time, he knew Maiar who had lost their shapes in the war with Melkor. Patience. Eonwe grimaced. He hadn’t told Manwe, yet, that he had ignored his order – but Irmo had advised him to talk to Reviahûn, after all. And Reviahûn seemed to be happy that he had done so, so he wouldn’t be too angry – he hoped.

“What’s wrong?”, Reviahûn asked.

Eonwe shook his head and laced their fingers. The smile Reviahûn gave him made him happy – and broke his heart at the same time. He was so grateful for his affection... Did he really think that he didn’t deserve this?

“I just remembered that Manwe forbade me to see you and I’ll have to confess to him that I disregarded his order.”

Reviahûn squeezed his hand. “I’ll talk to him. He did it on my request and. I’m sorry.”

Eonwe gave him a quick kiss on the temple. “You don’t have to be. It’s not your fault.”

Reviahûn looked around curiously as they walked through Valmar’s streets.

“I haven’t been here for so long”, he said. “Always on the move to see for Manwe.”

Eonwe laid his hand on his back, always ready to put distance between them, if it was too much closeness for Reviahûn, but his beloved leaned against him.

“I admit that I would like to have you here for longer”, he said. “Although I hate how it came to pass.”

“If you don’t leave me, I won’t mind that much that I’ve lost my wings for a while.”

“It was always beyond discussion that I won’t, Reviahûn – on my side at least. And if you long for flying, I can carry you.”

Eonwe would have been worried about Reviahûn doubting him, if it weren’t so clearly himself he was doubting.

“How could you ever think that I wouldn’t want you anymore?”

Eonwe called himself an idiot when the pain came back to Reviahûn’s Music.

“You don’t know so many things”, he whispered. “I feel like deceiving you.”

Eonwe shook his head. “Nothing will change my love for you, my song. Let’s not talk about this any longer. Here is the café I had in mind.”

They sat on one of the tables outside and Eonwe pushed the menu at Reviahûn.

“Won’t you eat anything?”, Reviahûn asked blushing.

“Of course I will, but I already know what I want. I don’t need to eat, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. I like the pies they make.”

“Do they know...”

“Eonwe! What can I bring you?”

‘Question answered?’, Eonwe asked with a wink at Reviahûn.

“Good morning, Varanye. The spinach pie and fennel tea for me. Reviahûn?”

“The mushroom omelette and black coffee, please.”

“Fennel tea?”, Reviahûn asked with a laugh in his voice, when Varanye had left. Eonwe shrugged.

“I like the taste. You were absent too much after the elves came here.” Eonwe had had to search him in Arda when he wanted to see him. “But we’ll catch up. I’ll show you all my favourite places.”

Reviahûn put his hand on his arm and gave him another of these smiles that made Eonwe’s heart skip a beat.

“I’d...” He jumped when something shattered in the interior of the café.

Eonwe felt fear flare up in his Music and took his hand between his own, it was icy cold. Reviahûn was pale and panting.

“Everything’s alright”, Eonwe hummed. “Someone shattered a glass.”

Reviahûn nodded and gulped, but the fear didn’t leave.

“What can I do?”, Eonwe asked pleadingly.

“I don’t know”, Reviahûn answered with trembling voice.

Eonwe hummed a calming melody and rubbed Reviahûn’s cold hand while he frantically searched for a way to help his beloved. He wished there were something he could defeat with his power, but the threat was in Reviahûn’s head and he could do nothing about it. He felt so clumsy and helpless. He pushed the thought aside because it wouldn’t help Reviahûn.

“Can you feel the sun on your face?”, he asked, getting an idea. “The wind in your hair? You aren’t caught, you are free and safe. Feel how warm the light is and how gentle the breeze. Do you smell the linden blossoms from the tree on the other side of the street?”

Reviahûn’s other hand came up to close around Eonwe’s and squeezed gently.

“Yes”, he answered ant took a deep, shuddering breath. “Thank you. I... feel better now. Tell me about those favourite places of yours?”

Eonwe accepted the diversion all too willingly and told him about his life while Reviahûn had been absent. Reviahûn sounded not frightened anymore, he ate his breakfast with relish and when he laughed about a joke Eonwe made, Eonwe felt his happiness. He would have liked to know why the shattering glass had frightened him so and if there were other things that might scare him, but he didn’t want to remind him. Reviahûn would talk about this when he was ready.

“Eonwe?”, Reviahûn whispered into the night.

He wasn’t sure if Eonwe was sleeping, but he’d been lying awake for hours. It had been a bad day and it promised to become a worse night. Eonwe had held him and tried to dissuade him from his self-hatred with tenderness – and Reviahûn hadn’t had the courage to tell him that it wasn’t tenderness he needed.

But his self-doubts, the surety that he didn’t deserve to lie in Eonwe’s arms, were gnawing on him. His soul hurt so much. He needed him, he needed him like he had been on that morning he had first come to him.

“Eonwe?”, he said a little louder and Eonwe made a sleepy sound.

“What’s wrong?”, he mumbled.

“I need you.” Reviahûn felt hm jerk, the words waking him instantly.

“Reviahûn, my song”, he said gently, but Reviahûn shook his head before he could start trying to calm him.

“That’s not what I need”, he said haltingly. “I... be possessive. Maybe a little rough?”

Reviahûn squinted when the lamp beside his bed was lighted. He tried to look away but Eonwe held his chin and looked searchingly into his eyes.

“You are doubting again if you deserve me?”

Reviahûn nodded and whispered: “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Eonwe’s hand caressed Reviahûn’s cheek and Reviahûn thought he could almost hear Eonwe think.

“I hear what you ask me for, my song”, he finally said. “I’m just not sure if it is prudent.”

Reviahûn wasn’t either, but... “Please”, he whispered. “It hurts so much. Help me.”

“Oh, Reviahûn.” Eonwe kissed him gently. “Do you remember how we fought in the sky?”

“Yes”, Reviahûn answered softly.

It would be so much easier to be a falcon. Maybe even... a tamed falcon? He shivered and bushed the thought away for later, to listen to Eonwe. He couldn’t change anyway.

“Do you remember, too, that we had a safeguard in case it got too much for one of us?”

Oh! Reviahûn smiled at him and sang a short melody into Eonwe’s thoughts.

“Exactly.” Eonwe traced his lower lip with his thumb. “If you... become afraid of me or you want me to stop for some other reason, you just have to sing.”

Reviahûn nodded and held his breath when a hard look came to Eonwe’s face. His beloved gripped his chin tighter.

“I thought I’d told you that it isn’t your decision if I want you”, he said. “Didn’t you understand that?”

Reviahûn took a shuddering breath. “I did, love, I...”

“No!”, Eonwe interrupted him. “Don’t lie to me, I can hear you think. I know that you disparage yourself again.”

Reviahûn closed his eyes, he couldn’t bear the intensity of Eonwe’s eyes. He was laying his soul bare.

“Look at me!”, Eonwe snapped and Reviahûn’s eyes flew open. “You are hurting yourself, Reviahûn, and I won’t tolerate that you do this to yourself.”

“I won’t do it again”, Reviahûn whispered.

He had tears in his eyes, but he felt the doubts drain away. Yes, he needed this.

“Really?” Eonwe cocked his head. “I don’t believe you. You think yourself soiled and worthless, but you aren’t. You can’t rely on your own picture of yourself, my song. So I tell you: Depend on me in this! You belong to me! And if you doubt your place at my side, you’re doubting me for choosing you.”

Reviahûn wanted to protest, but something told him that would be a bad idea, so he just nodded.

“I will depend on you, Eonwe. I’ll see myself only through your eyes.”

His heart beat wildly in his chest. He was sure that Eonwe wouldn’t be content with that.

“You already said so the last time. This time...”

Reviahûn made a startled sound when Eonwe flipped him around and held him down. Reviahûn tried to struggle instinctively but Eonwe smacked his backside and ordered: “Keep still!”

Reviahûn obeyed, his muscles tense.

“This time I’ll teach you a lesson, my song. So you’ll stop to think next time before you let your doubts get the better of you again.” Eonwe caressed his hair and kissed his ear. “You remember what to do, if you want me to stop?”

Reviahûn nodded. It was weird. This was so close to some things Sauron had done to him and still... he wasn’t afraid. Maybe because he was absolutely sure that Eonwe would never go as far as Sauron had done.

“Good.”

Eonwe’s hand met his buttock with a resounding slap.

“I love you.”

Another slap. Eonwe’s voice was gentle again, but the slaps that rained down on his buttocks were firm. Reviahûn moaned, his skin was burning. The pain was cleansing. The pain silenced his doubts completely. The pain made him Eonwe’s.

“I love you and it hurts to see you hating yourself.” Eonwe’s voice was husky. “I’ll prove to you that you are deserving of my love until you can believe it again. And until then”, an especially hard slap made Reviahûn cry out softly, “I’ll spank you every time you forget to see yourself through my eyes.”

Reviahûn sobbed. Eonwe’s laid his hand gently on his hot, throbbing backside.

“I’m sorry”, Reviahûn croaked and let his tears run freely.

“My Reviahûn.” Eonwe embraced him again and this time Reviahûn could enjoy it with his whole being. “It’s not your fault, but I forgive you”, his beloved said and kissed his forehead. “Let it out, my song.”

Eonwe held his crying beloved in his arms and didn’t know if he had done the right thing or if he had made everything worse. But Reviahûn clung to him as if he were the only thing keeping his head above water. He didn’t feel fear from him and no pain, either. Well, at least not the deep pain of the soul he had carried around all day, his backside was sore.

“Was this what you needed?”, he asked and Reviahûn nodded. “Good. I’m glad I could help you. If I notice that you feel bad again, do you want me to just treat you like that or should I wait until you ask me to?”

They both knew that it would happen again and Eonwe wanted to have clarity. Reviahûn bit his lips, then he looked at him, his eyes red rimmed but clear.

“Just do it. If I... can’t, I’ll sing.”

Eonwe nodded and kissed him gently. “As you wish, my song. Whatever you need to heal.”

Manwe smiled at Reviahûn when he came into his office.

“Am I disturbing you?”, he asked insecurely, but his Master shook his head.

“What can I do for you, my friend?”

Reviahûn sat on the chair he was offered. “I’d like to work again, Manwe. I feel better and I’m going to go stir-crazy if I have to lie around in bed much longer. Please, give me some task. I know I’m not yet strong enough to change shape and that means I can’t be your eyes, but maybe you can think of something else for me to do?”

Manwe nodded. “Of course. We’ll find something for you. Would you rather work alone or would you like to mingle with elves?”

“I think I would like to work together with elves”, Reviahûn answered without hesitating.

He hadn’t had much dealing with elves in the past, but in Angband he had suffered and bled alongside them, had shared food and comfort. He had found friends there – and he would never see them again. Reviahûn held his breath to stop his tears when despair overwhelmed him.

“Reviahûn?” Manwe came around his desk and gently laid a hand on his shoulder. “Are you sure that you are ready?”

Reviahûn nodded. “I just had to think about the people that I had to leave behind.” Reviahûn looked into Manwe’s eyes. “I can understand that you don’t want to help the Noldor after what happened, but... there are so many elves there who never left Arda. Why can’t we fight for them?”

Manwe looked suddenly very sad and Reviahûn almost regretted to have asked.

“It’s not fair for those, I know, but the way the Noldor left... I’m sure you heard about the Kinslaying. They’ll have to fend for themselves for now.”

Reviahûn didn’t ask any further, he could feel how much it pained Manwe.

“So, how can I be of service to you, Manwe?”

“Alaco flew east with Thorondor and I didn’t find time to replace him, yet. You’d be my voice at Ingwe’s court. I often sent... someone else in the meantime, but...”

“Eonwe?”, Revaihûn asked with a smile. To say his beloved was diplomatic would be a blatant lie.

“Yes. It’s good to see that you can smile again when Eonwe comes up.” Manwe smiled and squeezed his shoulder. “Ingwe and I are in contact, but it would be good to have a representative at his court. I know from experience that it is easier for elves to come to a Maia with their requests, especially one that is already around anyway, than to come to Ilmaren. If you don’t feel up to that yet, we’ll find something else, so don’t feel pressured.”

“I’d like to do it”, Reviahûn said. “But I’d feel better if they didn’t know that I was in Angband. I want neither pity nor questions.”

Manwe nodded. “I think that can be done.”

Reviahûn hadn’t been well known to the elves of Aman. He had been one of Manwe’s birds that watched the world for him and when he had been in Ilmaren he had spent his time with Eonwe.

“So be it. I’m happy, Reviahûn. Is it thanks to Eonwe that you feel so much better?”, Manwe asked. “I told him to keep his distance, so if he is harassing you, be honest about it and I’ll see to it that he stays away.”

Reviahûn shook his head. “He doesn’t force his presence on me. I just had to... be convinced that he still wants me.”

Eonwe had held him in his arms, wings wrapped around them, again all night.

“I’m very happy, Manwe.”

And he meant it. Eonwe was good at seeing, what he needed - now that he knew what Reviahûn sometimes craved - and he always gave it to him. Manwe smiled relieved.

“I’m happy to hear it, my friend.”