We meet again by chrissystriped

We meet again

My dear Silwen,

I only found out today that you came across the sea with your family. I hope you all are well. I would understand and will respect your decision, if you don’t want any contact with me, now that you don’t need my help anymore, but if it is otherwise, I’d like to meet you as soon as possible.

Yours,

Sinthoras

Father!

How can you believe even for a moment that I wouldn’t want to see you?! Visit us as soon as you can! I’m currently setting up shop and will be around for most of the day (and if I’m not, I’m sure you’ll be able to find me in the city). We are all looking forward to see you.

Love,

Silwen

Sinthoras still smiled at the indignant tone of the letter as he walked down the street where Silwen lived. He probably was heading into a severe scolding – and maybe he deserved it for his doubts. He was a little angry that no one had thought it necessary to tell him that his daughter lived in Tirion. He’d only found out by accident, overhearing a conversation. He didn’t leave Mandos often.

‘Namo must have had his reasons’, he told himself once again. He didn’t need to understand it. After all, he couldn’t understand either, why his Master hadn’t said anything, when the Valar pardoned Melkor. In hindsight it would have been much better for everyone if they had locked him up for good the first time – not that he would have thought that way back then.

Sinthoras took a deep breath and knocked on the door. He felt nervous, but he was also smiling with happiness. He would see Silwen again! Something he’d never dared hope for, she was married to a half-orc after all and he had believed that there was no place in Aman for someone like Lantelen. But the Valar had decided differently and he was glad about it.

The door was opened and Sinthoras, expecting Silwen or Lantelen or maybe her mother, couldn’t process for a moment what – or who – he was seeing. Untamed fear hit him from the elf across him and Sinthoras stumbled a step back. “Galathil...”, he whispered the same moment he heard Silwen call from inside: “Galathil, wait!”

Why hadn’t he taken into consideration that he might meet him here? Why hadn’t Silwen said anything? Had Galathil feared him always that much? Sinthoras cursed at himself. Of course he had, but he had allowed himself to be persuaded by Mablung to submit to him anyway. The elf was white as a sheet and stared at him wide-eyed. Sinthoras’ felt a fist close around his heart. All the things he had done to him... It was his own fault that he looked at him like this now.

Silwen laid a hand on Galathil’s shoulder. “He came to visit me, Galathil. I told you about it, do you remember?” Galathil nodded without taking his eyes away from Sinthoras. “Do you want to sit down with us?” Galathil looked horrified at the thought and Sinthoras’ heart broke a little more. “No!” He shook his head. “I... I’ll just take a walk”, he murmured but didn’t make a move.

Sinthoras realised that he stood in his way. Galathil didn’t want to come close enough that they might have touched. Sinthoras slowly moved backwards. “I’m so very sorry, Galathil”, he said softly. He didn’t know if the elf heard him, he didn’t look at him as he walked past him, his shoulders hunched. Silwen sighed when he was gone. “That shouldn’t have happened.” Then she turned to him again and her face lit up. “I missed you so much, father.”

Sinthoras embraced her when she threw herself into his arms. “I missed you, too, flamelet”, he whispered, tears coming to his eyes. “I was afraid for you.” “I didn’t want to believe it when I heard you were dead.” Silwen looked at him with serious eyes. “How did you fare? ...I’m a bad host. Let us go in.”

Sinthoras followed her into the living room. It was spacious and full of light, Silwen’s mother sat at a big window and embroidered a fabric. She looked up and smiled at him. Sinthoras smiled back shyly. They had lived together but he knew almost nothing about this woman, she had never been as easy with him as Silwen. Silwen pulled him to the couch and took his hands in hers when they had sat down.

“So, what happened after you sent us away? I tried to interrogate Mo, but he wasn’t very cooperative.” She pouted disapprovingly and Sinthoras laughed – despite everything. “I can imagine. It wasn’t pretty, for none of us. And I don’t really want to talk about it, flamelet. Let it be enough to know that I lost Melkor’s favour. I went to war because he ordered me to – and he ordered me to not come back.”

Sinthoras took a deep breath. “My body died in Gondolin and my soul moved here. I don’t know why. I always only served Melkor, there was nothing here for me. But... it seemed right. I serve Namo now and help to heal the wounds of the dead. How have you been?” What he wanted to ask was: ‘Why did Galathil open me the door?’ Somehow he had thought the elf would go his own way.

Silwen smiled a little sadly as if she knew who he was thinking of and squeezed his hands. “It was hard for a time. We searched for mother’s people but they must have moved away and wherever we showed up... Lantelen is not exactly inconspicuous. They distrusted us, no one wanted us to live with them. We muddled through on our own until the Valar came. They were wary, too, at first, but they were ready to give us a chance.”

Silwen’s mother gave an amused huff. “She understates her role in this. You should have heard how she talked  to that Maia we were brought to at arriving at the camp, herdir.” Sinthoras chuckled and winked at Silwen. “I can imagine.” To Nelwen he said: “You don’t have to call me ‘herdir’. And it would be my honour to be allowed to address you by name.”

Nelwen’s eyebrows rose but she smiled. “Yes, I suppose, it’s a little different now. You are family, Sinthoras. You are the reason this family exists at all. So yes, let’s address by name.” Sinthoras gulped, he hadn’t thought she would feel that way about him. “Thank you. But... is Galathil living with you?” “For now, yes. Why?”, asked Silwen. Sinthoras sighed. “When I visit again, I want us to meet somewhere else so Galathil won’t be that distressed again.”

“He was only startled.” Silwen waved it off. “He’ll get used to you again.” She winked at him but Sinthoras shook his head. He didn’t think that she understood how serious this was. “No, Silwen. I hurt him badly. What I did to him can never be made right again and I don’t want to make him feel unsafe in his own home. We’ll have to meet somewhere else.” Silwen sighed. “As you wish. But... you love him.”

Sinthoras smiled sadly. “And I didn’t have the strength to give him his freedom before there was no other choice left. Didn’t you see how much he fears me? Maybe I’d have had a chance to win his heart earlier in our lives – but not anymore.” Silwen kissed his cheek. “Don’t give up so quickly, atya. He just needs time.”

“Silwen.” Sinthoras gave her a stern look. “Promise that you won’t try to persuade him into anything. I don’t have any hopes in this regard. And although I thank you for thinking that I deserve him...” He shook his head. “Promise it. He shall have his own life now and I have no place in it.” It hurt, but it was his own fault.

Silwen looked sad but she nodded. “I promise. I’ll leave him alone. But I won’t leave you alone. I want to see you again soon.” Sinthoras felt Galathil come closer and stood up. “I’ll write, but I have to go now. Galathil is coming home and I don’t want him to see me here again.” Silwen looked as if she had something to say to that but she held back. Sinhoras bowed to Nelwen. “Goodbye.” She inclined her head and blushed. “That’s something I’ll have to get used to. Goodbye, Sinthoras. I’m glad you found us.”

Silwen showed him to the door. “Bye for now, atya.” She embraced him tightly. “See you, flamelet.” Sinthoras kissed both her cheeks in farewell and hurried to walk the opposite direction from where he sensed Galathil. He’d frightened the elf enough today, he didn’t want to see that again.