I'll Be Yours If You'll Be Mine by NelyafinweFeanorion

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Chapter 44

Artwork at end is for the last chapter. By Mellaril at deviantArt.

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It had been a comforting evening, Aredhel thought. Her mom had cooked one of her favorite meals for dinner. Her father had crushed them all, as usual, in a ferocious game of Trivial Pursuit. Turgon's face was making its way back to looking normal. It was nights like this that made her want to come back home for the summer.

But now that she had retreated to her room for the night she couldn't settle down. Her thoughts were swirling, the unease of the previous evening coming over her again.

She couldn't have it both ways. She had decided this was going to be casual when she had first met Tyelko and found his appeal so alluring. That was the soundest plan. Entertaining, exciting and superficial. No emotional involvement, no commitment. It had seemed to play out that way, at first. But the frequent texts and phone calls had brought them closer. She found herself looking forward to hearing his voice. It was becoming something she appreciated, something steady and comforting.

That comforting aspect was what was agitating her now. It had crept up on her, this apparent ease of being with Tyelko, the eager anticipation at the prospect of spending time with him, the effortless interactions they had. Well, effortless until this week, she amended.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to mean so much.

They hadn't discussed any official status, had made no assurances of exclusivity. So, if she wanted, she could clarify the informality of their relationship and leave it at that. No commitment. No constraints. Just what she had decided from the start.

Except that wasn't quite what she wanted now. Despite the warnings of her brain, her heart was reaching out for him. Not good. Not good at all.

She had three more weeks in Tirion, before she returned to Elmoth. Weeks that Tyelko wanted to spend with her. She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. She would be lying if she said she didn't look forward to that also.

She dropped her forehead onto her knees. She should probably just break it off before she let herself get too involved. That was the smart thing to do.

But it was more complicated now. Finno dating Maedhros added a level of complexity to the interaction that required finesse. Breaking it off suddenly would not be fair to Tyelko. He hadn't done anything wrong, other than be endearing and engaging and far too attractive for his own good. Damn it.

She lifted her head and frowned to herself. No, the best course of action was to clarify what this was—short, sweet, fun and definitely not serious. Physical but not emotional. Amusing and entertaining when they were together but definitely not exclusive or committed. The distance itself made that a far more realistic expectation.

She leaned back against the headboard of her bed and stared up at the ceiling. It was surely something Tyelko would be comfortable with, she assured herself. He had not come out and said that was what he was looking for but he was probably unsure of where she stood on the whole issue. Well, she would make that clear next time they were together. She was in this for fun, not feelings.

She pushed away the tendril of regret that came over her as she crystalized her intentions. It was better this way, she reassured herself.

He would be fine with it. What guy wouldn't be up for physical with no strings attached? Dream come true for most guys.

But Tyelko really wasn't like most guys, was he? That thought drifted unsolicited into her mind. She banished it, annoyed at herself now.

This was as much her relationship as his. She had the ability to decide where it was going. In fact, it was better if she was the one directing it. And commitment was not the direction she was taking. She had set out to have fun with this and damn it, she was going to have fun.

Enough of Tyelko pulling back when things became physical. He didn't get to make those kinds of decisions, not without her input. She was ready and willing to be more physical and she would make that clear to him, in no uncertain terms. If he was game for that kind of experience—great. If not, then he at least had been entertaining company while she was home and a pleasant diversion over the holidays. She could go back to Elmoth without regret.

She had contemplated discussing the situation with Fingon but she didn't need to do that, did she? It was time for her to make her own decisions, come to her own conclusions and not rely on him for advice on all of this.

Her phone pinged. She picked it up and found a text from Tyelko.

TYELKO: Hey! I'm heading back to Formenos tomorrow. Want to join me? Mae and Mags are working and I think I owe you an ice fishing lesson.

Aredhel stared down at the phone. Formenos. She would have the time and privacy to sort things out with him there. It wouldn't be that big a deal, she told herself. It was time they entertained themselves, without the presence of all those brothers. That would reinforce the informality of what they were doing, she decided. She might not even have to explain anything else after all. If he was as casual as she was about it all then problem solved.

AREDHEL: Sounds like a plan. I'll text you when I catch the train.

TYELKO: I can pick you up—I'm heading home in the morning.

AREDHEL: No, it's fine. I've got some things to do in the morning. Don't wait here for me. I'll text you when I'm on the train and you can pick me up at the station. :)

TYELKO: Can't wait to see you!

She didn't actually have anything to do in the morning but the solitude of the train would give her a chance to steady herself and plan out what she wanted to do—all the versions that might prove necessary tomorrow. If it worked out the way she hoped there wouldn't be any explanations to give. No backstory to weigh down their conversation. Finally, some time to be alone and see where that would lead them.

It would be far less stressful to take the train than sit in the car with Tyelko with those thoughts clamoring in her head. In Formenos there at least would be distractions. Even if she had to create them herself.

---

He and Aredhel just needed some time alone, Tyelko thought, as he made his solitary drive back to Formenos. It was a relief to be heading to the lake house. The week at home had been more than enough. He needed to be away from the brotherly chaos and constant tinge of underlying tension that had characterized this holiday week.

Maedhros and Maglor had been the first to leave that morning—headed to work at Beleriand. Tyelko had no obligations to the team until after New Year's. He was going to make the most of the gift of free time.

He glanced at the dashboard clock. It was early still. With his brothers occupied at work and away from home it truly was the perfect time to have Aredhel come out. She had eagerly accepted the offer for an outdoor day at Formenos but surprisingly declined a ride there with him.

Her decision to take the train, rather than take him up on his offer to drive her there, had him unsettled again. Tyelko shook his head. Damn it, he was starting to channel Maglor now—all worried about likely insignificant instances and trying to find hidden meaning where there was none.

Something was still odd about it though.

Fuck. He pounded his hand on the steering wheel. He needed to stop this mental mind-fuckery. Nothing fucked up a relationship more than getting all caught up in his head. Enough brooding. Today was his day with Aredhel. He was going to drop the topic of Maedhros—it only led to friction anyway—and focus on what was important. Aredhel. That's who was important.

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"Why didn't you just get a ride with Tyelko?" Fingon asked, as he walked to the station with Aredhel hours later.

"I just wanted to get my head together. I hate how Tyelko and I have been the last few times—me on edge and Tyelko all jittery. That's not how we are together. I know I blew the Maedhros thing out of proportion but I wasn't being unreasonable! You would have freaked out too, if you were in my place." She darted a glare at Fingon. "You did freak out when you were in my position."

Fingon sighed and linked his arm in hers. "I know I did. And I get why you did, really, I do." He pulled her closer to him. "What you're saying about you and Tyelko-it was that way with me and Maedhros, just a few weeks ago. I couldn't figure out why he'd go hot and then back off. It was a lack of communication on both sides. Mostly his, but I wasn't really making things that easy for him either."

"And he was worried about how we'd react to it all," Aredhel sighed. "I know I didn't help any."

Fingon bumped her shoulder. "No worries. I would have done the same."

"You did do the same when it was me, idiot," Aredhel said. "You were a maniac until Dad told you he had it under control. I thought you were going to head over to his house and beat the shit out of him."

"I wanted to."

"That wouldn't have helped anything and you know it," Aredhel said. They had reached the station. "I think I need to clarify some things with Tyelko. Just to be on the same page."

"I agree. I know it's scary to think about telling him this. But I think he needs to know, to know that you might see things in a different light than he does and that's ok, as long as you keep communicating," Fingon said, trying to catch her eyes. "It's what Maedhros had to do, in the end. So that I could understand and not keep making it just about how I was reading things."

She was looking away. "It's not the same, Finno. It's not really like you and Maedhros. I don't think I'm ready for that."

"Then tell him that, Aredhel. And tell him why, so it doesn't seem like it's coming out of the blue. He'll think he's messed something up otherwise. I know I did," Fingon said.

She shoved his shoulder. "I know that. I intend to tell him where I stand on this." She waved her hand in the air. "If he's not on the same page he might need some context, to understand it's nothing he's done. It's just what I need right now. It's not as dramatic or traumatizing as Maedhros' experience but it's still colored how I look at things."

"Don't minimize it, Aredhel. It might not have been physical abuse but it damn well was emotional abuse." He leaned forward to kiss her on the forehead. "Try to have some fun with Tyelko today. It doesn't have to be all serious. Just focus on what makes you happy and why you enjoy being with him. The rest will just come on its own." Fingon put his hands on her shoulders. "I think he'd want to know about it. I told you—he's not just messing around. One thing I've figured out in the short time I've spent at Formenos is that there is a lot more depth to Tyelko than first impressions imply. He may seem relaxed and outrageously funny and outspoken but he's a softie inside and far more sensitive than he lets the outside world know."

"I know," she whispered. "It's what scares me."

Fingon pulled her into his arms, leaning down to whisper to her. "I told you he's nothing like that. I truly believe it, Aredhel." He pulled back to frown down at her. "I'm not just saying that. I would never intentionally mislead you about a guy, not ever, and especially not after what happened."

He leaned forward to rest his forehead on hers. "Tyelko really is a straight forward guy. He may have more substance than you'd expect on first glance but he certainly doesn't keep his thoughts or feelings to himself. I know I've only known him a few months but I really don't get any negative feelings about him. And I trust Maedhros. Maedhros isn't one to mince words—he adores his brothers but he certainly seems well aware of their shortcomings. There is no way he would ever countenance this if there was anything concerning about Tyelko. Promise." He pulled back, hands on her shoulders.

"That's part of what worries me. Hearing you say that is more than reassuring. But the unsettling part is that I really want everything you say to be true. Part of me really wants more than just a casual hook-up. That's the terrifying part—how much I want that. But I don't think I'm ready to have that."

"You almost sound like Maedhros," Fingon said tenderly. "No one is rushing you, least of all Tyelko. You've got time before you go back to school. You've got distance at Elmoth, which gives you perspective. You'll sort it out. You don't have to make any declarations or commitments today." He put his hands back on her shoulders. "But to avoid any communication issues or misunderstandings I think you need to clue Tyelko in a bit. He needs to know what's up, Aredhel. He needs to know what this is to you and he also needs to know that sometimes situations or conversations he considers completely benign and straightforward may not seem so benevolent to you. Ok?"

"Ok. I'll try, ok? That's the best I can do," Aredhel said, looking up at him.

"Then that's enough for me." Fingon tucked the loose end of her scarf around her neck. "This color suits you," he said. The scarf and matching hat were a glorious blue that brought out the color of her eyes.

She grinned up at him, a faint flush on her cheeks. "Christmas present from Tyelko."

"He's got good taste and he's obviously memorized the color of your eyes," Fingon said. "Now go, have fun."

"Are you going to be there tonight?"

"No, I'm going to spend tonight at home. I haven't had much time with Mom this week. I'll be back there tomorrow night. I need Dad to stop haggling with the all these salesmen and just let me get a car!" Fingon said.

"You know Dad loves making a deal," Aredhel laughed.

"I know. He lives for it." Fingon gave her a mild shove. "Now, go or you'll miss your train!"

---

An afternoon spent in Formenos had been Tyelko's best idea by far.

"Hey!" Tyelko wasn't expecting the snowball Aredhel threw and it caught him directly in the back of the head. He whirled around and was pegged with another one in his face. He shook his head, snow tumbling off his hair and he charged straight at her. "That was so unfair!" he shouted. Tyelko tackled her and they both ended up in a heap in the fresh snow, her face bright and eyes sparkling as she laughed.

His hand was behind her head—he had tackled her, yes, but also had controlled the fall, cradling her head instinctively—his fingers threaded through her hair. "Don't you dare dump snow on me," he warned, as he saw her hand move to the side.

"How are you going to stop me?" Aredhel asked.

Tyelko's lips found hers; cold, dry, chapped but a whole other kind of warm between them as he opened his lips to her own. He pulled back a moment later to smile down at her.

Aredhel's hand, that had been gathering snow, stilled and moved to his shoulder instead. There was no way she was going to douse this moment in cold snow. Tyelko's face was so open, so tender, Aredhel thought, as her pulse pounded faster. This was just what they had needed. It was so easy to be together, like this.

"I could look at you all day," he said. "But you'll freeze lying here in the snow." He went to pull back but she stopped him, her hands tightly gripping his coat.

"I'm fine," she said, firmly yanking him back down. Their cold noses bumped, their teeth clicked but they found each other's fit quickly, the hike forgotten, the snow a distant chill.

It soon crept up on Tyelko though, his hand buried in the snow, his knees on either side of Aredhel. He pulled back, more forcefully this time, pulling her up with him, snow spraying around them.

It was a glorious day, the sun finally escaping from the clouds, the snow deep and heavy around them; but one small part of him wondered if maybe lazing by the fire would have been a better plan.

His thought scattered as Aredhel turned her face up to look at him. "What's on your mind, Tyelko?" she asked.

It just came out. He had not intended to actually say it but there it was. "I was thinking maybe Mae and Fingon had the better idea when we were here last time—just sitting by the fire all day," he said.

"Oh, Tyelko! It would have been too crowded if we were all there, don't you think?" She brought her face closer as she stood on tiptoe. "No privacy."

"But a lot warmer," he said.

"You'd rather have spent the day with our brothers?"

"Well, no, not when you put it that way. But for now, we're the only ones here. They won't be home for a bit yet," Tyelko said. "It would be warm and private, at least for a little while."

"Didn't you say you were going to take me ice fishing?" Aredhel asked. "That shack looks pretty private."

His face broke into a grin. "Come on then. If we can't have warm and private, then we'll settle for just private." Tyelko pulled her towards a shed not far from the lake edge. He grabbed some spikes from a shelf and helped her stretch them over the soles of her boots before doing the same himself. She followed him out onto the ice. They reached the shack and he opened the air vents before switching the small space heater on.

"Won't that make it colder?" Aredhel asked.

"Not much. But we need the airflow if we're using the propane heater. Or we'll end up warm but dead." He adjusted the vent but noticed her alarmed look. "Hey. I've been doing this since I was a little kid. It's why we're dressed like this—to keep warm. The propane heater helps but I can shut it off if you're worried." He put his hand on her arm.

"No, I believe you," she said, her features smoothing away the worried look. "Now what?"

It took him awhile to crack the ice that had reformed in the fishing hole, to set up the rods and bait and position their chairs. He sat down and motioned her to the folding chair next to him. "And now we wait. . ."

"That's it?" she asked, hands on her hips as she stood over him.

"Pretty much. It's basically regular fishing except a hell of a lot colder." He grinned up at her.

"The ice pretty thick?"

"Thick enough. It can hold the hut, all our supplies and at least three or four of us at a time."

Perfect. Time to make her move, Aredhel thought. No need for conversation if there were more entertaining things to do.

She moved to straddle his lap, her borrowed snow pants sliding against his with a slick sound. "Even if all our weight is in one spot?" she asked, tilting her head questioningly.

He swallowed. What was it about this girl that left him at a loss for words? "Should be fine," he rasped out, his voice suddenly hoarse.

"Good." Her mouth was on his, her gloved hands buried in his hair. His own hands moved to her back, vaguely feeling the contours of her body through the too-thick clothing she wore.

It was too hot in here. The space heater was overkill with Aredhel draped over him. The chair creaked under their combined weight but he didn't hear anything but the pounding beat of his own heart and the small sounds she was making as his tongue found hers.

Tyelko could feel the sweat trickling down his back, the heat in his groin making him notice the snugness there. Aredhel shifted her weight and he instantly groaned—the friction was almost too much, even with the layers. Too many clothes. Too hot. Too much.

It was probably not a bad thing that the chair chose that moment to collapse under them, dropping them both onto its twisted remnants and causing their feet to knock the fishing rods down.

They scrambled awkwardly back to their feet, Tyelko rescuing the rods before they were completely swept into the water as Aredhel pushed the remnants of the chair back to clear a little more space.

"That didn't go quite like I expected," she said, a hint of color on her cheeks.

"You want to just bail and head back to the house?" Tyelko asked.

"Before I bring the whole place down, you mean?" Aredhel questioned, giving up on getting the mangled chair to fold.

"No, that's not what I meant," Tyelko said, from where he was still kneeling on the ice and looking at her, his eyes warm and fond. It made Aredhel's stomach flutter. "I mean we don't have to do anything. It's enough for me just being with you. I don't need any entertainment."

She had felt this instant attraction to Tyelko, the first night they had met. She had followed her instincts then and let her impulses guide her. But relationships were tricky. She should know.

It made it easier to keep thinking of this as a fling if the physical side was the focus. But it was getting harder and harder to keep it superficial like that. Even if it was the safer option.

Maedhros' words came back to her unexpectedly—what he had said about Tyelko's heart being given easily. Hearts weren't supposed to be involved, if this was just for fun, right?

As she looked at Tyelko she knew she'd been deluding herself. She could play it off casually, convince herself it was just a physical attraction, but it really wasn't fair to him to keep that charade, was it? Not when it seemed his feelings were deeper than that. Her own had been changing as well, even if she had been fighting the transformation.

Could this truly be as different as it seemed? It was hard to allow herself to think that. That perhaps there could be more than just some enjoyable times and physical satisfaction. Could she really let herself believe that? It had been daunting every other time she had let herself contemplate it, the unwelcome thoughts swirling their way into her brain. It wouldn't be the take charge course of action she had decided on last night, or this morning, when she had made her way out here.

She realized Tyelko was still looking at her, waiting for a response. He looked uncomfortable now, as if he'd said too much. She needed to say something back. Acknowledge his words.

But it was hard to let anyone get too close. Since . . . well, since things had ended with him it had been easier to just keep things short and shallow with the guys she met.

"Aredhel?" Tyelko looked concerned. "Are you ok?"

She shook her head. "Sorry. Just got distracted thinking about what you said." She gave him her brightest smile, pushing away the agitation that was creeping up on her. "I'm up for anything," she continued, keeping her voice cheery. "Whatever you want to do." So much for take charge, she chided herself.

Tyelko stood up and moved close to her, brushing her hair back gently with one hand. "I just want to be with you," he said, the expression in his eyes so fond. It was alarming how eager she was to let herself give in to the promise of that tenderness. She knew better than that.

Tyelko was still speaking, his voice softer than usual, intimate and almost hesitant. "I want to spend time getting to know you better. Dinner dates, just sitting together on the sofa, talking, watching movies, taking walks. It doesn't always have to be an experience or an event or even something planned." Tyelko looked tentative as he paused. He took a breath and then resolutely put his hands on her shoulders. "I don't know quite how to say this. I don't want it to come out wrong."

"Then you don't have to say it all," Aredhel said.

"No." He met her gaze steadily. "No, I've wanted to say this for some time now, Aredhel. I've been meaning to have this conversation."

"What are you trying to say, Tyelko?" She felt her apprehension increase. The need to have a "talk" was never a good thing, in her experience. Neither was all this focus on being with her.

"I'm not the best with words, ok? So, bear with me, please." Tyelko squeezed her shoulders, his face suddenly very serious. "I like you. I really, really like you. I love spending time with you."

Ok, this was ok, she thought. "I do too," she said, stepping forward to move closer to him. He wrapped his arms around her and touched his forehead to her own.

"And I can't keep my hands off you half the time, but that's not the reason I want to be around you," he continued.

"What are you saying, Tyelko?" she asked again.

"Shit. I knew I was going to fuck this up. I told you I suck at this." Tyelko closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again. "Ok. So, I want to rip that snow suit right off you. I want to feel you, your skin, your hair. And kiss you until you can't even catch your breath. Until I can't catch mine."

Her eyes widened.

"But see, that's not all I want," he continued, eyes growing so very soft. "I want to know you first. Know everything about you."

Her heart began to race. No. Don't say things like that to me, she thought.

But Tyelko evidently had more to say. "To know what you like. Who you are, what your favorite ice cream flavor is and why you started playing field hockey. I want to know what you look like when you sleep, when you laugh, what makes you cry at the movies, what you look like when you first wake up." He pulled her closer still. "I want to know all of that more than I want to sleep with you. And I honestly can't believe I'm admitting that but it's all true."

Tyelko was so very close now, making her heart speed up even more, his arms circling around her waist almost too much for her. "I can't stop thinking about you, Aredhel. I think about you all the time."

He closed his eyes again and continued, not seeing the flare of apprehension in her eyes. "I want to spend every spare minute I have with you," Tyelko continued. "We've only got a few weeks here and I know things will be harder, when you go back to Elmoth, but I can make it work—I can come to Elmoth, I can drive, fly, whatever I need to do. To make it work."

Could he feel her heart thumping in her chest, could he hear her breath coming quicker, Aredhel wondered? But he wouldn't know the real reason why, would he? He wouldn't know why baring his feelings like this was having anything but a romantic effect on her.

The space felt smaller now, constricting, but he kept on talking, eyes screwed shut as he spoke, concentrating on what he was saying. "But if this is just some fun or blowing off steam or a rebound from a relationship or something—I need to know. I need to know now. I'm not looking for random hookups when you're in town. I don't want to be just some guy you mess around with when you're home on break."

He opened his eyes and she thought he looked almost as distressed as she felt. "I don't know if there is more that I can have than that but I know I want to. I'm crazy about you. There is so much I want to do with you, Aredhel, if you'll let me. But mostly I just want to be with you. Any way you want to be with me."

She took a deep breath in to try and calm herself and he matched it with one of his own. "If all I can have are these moments—if all you can commit to is no commitment at all—I just need to know that. It may not be what I want but if it's all you can give, I'll take it. I'll take anything, as long as it's with you."

Maedhros hadn't been wrong. Tyelko wasn't in this for just a good time. He was putting his heart on the line. She owed him an answer but all she felt was enclosed, caught, hemmed in. He didn't know, she told herself. He didn't know.

He didn't know how those phrases and sentiments sounded to her. How trapped they made her feel. How they brought that sickening sensation back into the pit of her stomach again. Tyelko couldn't know. She hadn't told him.

He could mean it all, in the most benign and loving way. But that didn't matter because all those words did was take her back, take her back to a place she didn't want to be.

"I need some air," she said, stepping away from him, chest heaving. His eyes widened in dismay and she couldn't face the hurt look in his eyes. Out. She needed to get out of here.

She pushed against his chest and bolted out the door, Tyelko's anguished "Aredhel!" ringing in her ears as she skidded and slid across the ice. She needed to clear her head. She needed to get herself together and get out of here. She reached the shore and sprinted through the backyard snow to the house, the forgotten ice spikes on her shoes catching on the throw rug in the laundry room.

It took a minute for her shaking hands to rip the spikes off and toss them aside. She took another deep breath, feeling her heart rate ratchet up even higher as the realization came over her. There was no place to go. She was in Formenos. And the only way to get to the train station was if Tyelko took her there.

She darted a glance at the window. It was almost dark now. Damn it. She grabbed her purse and raced to the front door, slamming it behind her as she left the house. She could hear Tyelko calling her name.

Aredhel pulled up the ride app on her phone, dictating the address as she jogged down the long driveway. She knew she was being unreasonable. She knew she was being appalingly rude.

She knew Tyelko wouldn't know why she had abandoned him, after he bared his heart like that and that thought almost made her turn back. Almost.

She heard the door slam behind her and Tyelko's voice calling out to her again, a desperate quality to it now. She ran faster as she neared the gate.

Headlights appeared ahead. It was astonishing that a ride had materialized so quickly but she could be grateful for small miracles.

The car came to a halt in front of her and she scurried to the passenger door, lifting her eyes to meet Tyelko's anguished ones as he raced to reach her. Her heart thumped painfully at the dismay she saw in his face. He didn't deserve this. Nothing had gone as she expected—things had gone straight to hell today.

She slid into the passenger seat and slammed the door. "Formenos train station," she said, turning to look at the driver.

It wasn't a ride share driver. It was Maedhros.

---

Chapter End Notes