I'll Be Yours If You'll Be Mine by NelyafinweFeanorion

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Chapter 45

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Many thanks to cheekybeak for her help in getting Aredhel sorted in this chapter. 

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Tyelko stood, stunned into immobility. How had he misjudged this so terribly? Had he read too much into this relationship? Had he really fucked things up so miserably again?

His shoulders sagged. Evidently, he had.

It had felt so right, saying those words, letting Aredhel know what was in his heart. But when he had finally had the courage to open his eyes he had seen the alarmed expression on her face, felt the sensation of her pulling away from him and then watched her stumble out the door—it had all felt so terribly, horribly wrong.

He had to find her. Apologize, do something, anything.

Why were words so difficult for him-how did he manage to screw up when he was trying to open his heart?

Tyelko was on the ice now, eyes scanning the area around the shack. No sign of Aredhel. The sun was down, red streaks painting the far horizon. He shouted out her name.

He made it to shore, ripping the spikes off his shoes and tossing them on the bench. The snow was churned up from their earlier snowball fight and in the dim light there was no way for him to track a new trail of footprints. He moved swiftly towards the house—that had to be where she had gone.

A dark object on the snow caused him to briefly pause. When Tyelko reached down to pick it up he saw that it was her hat. He clutched it in his grip and picked up the pace, racing into the house only to hear the sudden slam of the front door just as as he reached the kitchen.

He followed Aredhel out of the house. Even in the dim light he could see her, jogging away from him down the long, wide drive. He called out once more, his voice cracking as he did, but she didn't stop.

He ran faster, desperately trying to catch up. He could see her silhouette as a car turned up the drive, its lights on, the brightness almost blinding him as the car pulled to a stop.

And watched her get in what he now recognized as his brother's car.

---

Maedhros had not expected to turn up the driveway to his house and see a figure running towards him. He was even more startled when he realized it was Aredhel yanking his car door open and throwing herself into the front seat, demanding to be taken to Formenos station. She froze when she turned to meet his gaze.

He took in her appearance—pale, eyes wide, hair in disarray, phone clutched in a white-knuckled grip. What was going on?

His eyes darted up the drive, spotting Tyelko barreling towards them. Shit. What the hell had happened?

"I'll take you anywhere you want, Aredhel, but first you need to tell me—what happened?" Maedhros said, keeping his voice steady and soft. Her head was down now, hands clenched in her lap.

He looked up to catch sight of Tyelko slowing down as he reached the car. His brother stood in the bright glare of the headlights and Maedhros could see the confusion and wretchedness in his face.

There must be some misunderstanding. Tyelko could be boisterous and outspoken, no question, but he was also remarkably sensitive—especially when others were distressed.

But Aredhel looked spooked and Tyelko looked remorseful. It was a concerning combination. He knew his brother. He knew Tyelko would never have intentionally done anything to hurt Aredhel. But in the face of what he was seeing he had to ask.

Maedhros spoke again when she did not answer him. "Did he do something, Aredhel?"

Aredhel winced. She knew Tyelko hadn't intentionally done anything. Nothing at all, except say things she couldn't help but hear in another's voice, words that involuntarily made her skin crawl and her stomach clench. But he couldn't know how it had sounded. He couldn't know because she hadn't fucking told him.

She had waited too long to respond to Maedhros' question.

"Something happened. It's plain to see." Maedhros' voice was tight from the effort of keeping his tone calm and even. He glanced away from her and towards his brother again. His words were slow and deliberate as he asked her again. "Did he do something, Aredhel?"

"He didn't do anything!" she shouted.

"If he didn't do anything then why are you running away from him?" His eyes met hers, concern evident in his gaze.

"It's not him," Aredhel said miserably. "It's not him, it's me." She pounded her closed fist into her thigh.

"I said I'd take you anywhere and I mean that," Maedhros said. The silver eyes met hers again. "Just give me a moment with Tyelko and we'll be on our way."

Maedhros slipped out of the driver's door and swiftly moved to grasp Tyelko by the shoulders. She could see his lips moving and then Tyelko shaking his head no as he replied. Aredhel watched Maedhros shake his younger brother then pull him into his arms in a rough embrace.

He was back in the car a moment later.

"Formenos station, you said?"

She nodded in reply.

He didn't know her well. But even the few interactions Maedhros had experienced with her were a far cry from her demeanor at this moment. Her current state was one he had a feeling he recognized far too readily. He knew what panic looked like, felt like. It was hard enough for him to come to terms with it with his own family, let alone strangers. It was likely the same for her. He may not know her but he knew this feeling. He had to try to do something.

They were on the main road to Formenos before he spoke. "Listen. I don't know what happened, with you and Tyelko. From what I got from Tyelko just now, he doesn't either." Maedhros' eyes darted to her. "I want to help, Aredhel. If there is anything I can do, anything you can to tell me . . ." he trailed off.

Aredhel closed her eyes. Maedhros knew about her. She knew Fingon had told him, told him in an effort to get Maedhros to open up so her brother could explain to her. He had his own demons to contend with; maybe he would understand what it was like for her to hear those words from Tyelko?

She exhaled and opened her eyes again. "I know you know about . . . I know Fingon told you . . . I had a boyfriend . . . he was . . . he wasn't what I thought."

Maedhros nodded, making a small sound of encouragement.

"He was . . . I guess controlling is the best way to describe him." Aredhel frowned. Controlling didn't quite convey it all but it would have to do. "I haven't . . .I haven't said anything to Tyelko about him, about what it was like." She grimaced. "I hate talking about it."

"I can understand that," Maedhros said quietly.

She turned her eyes to him, studying his profile in the dim light. "I think you do," she said slowly. "I really think you do." She twisted her hands in her lap before continuing, lacing her fingers together tightly. "I know Tyelko didn't mean to freak me out. I know that. But . . . what he said . . . it sounded so much like . . ." She stopped and looked out the passenger window.

"What did Tyelko say?" Maedhros asked gently.

She shifted in her seat then dropped her head back onto the headrest.

"To anyone else it might have sounded lovely, just what they wanted to hear. But to me . . ." She shuddered. "It just sounded too much like him."

The boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend, he corrected himself. The one Fingon had discussed with him in confidence.

Shit. What had Tyelko said that set her off? Transparent, exuberant Tyelko. He'd likely bared his heart, not realizing there was anything to be concerned about. A wave of fondness for his outspoken younger brother washed over Maedhros. It would be just like him, Maedhros thought, to bravely lay it all out there and not worry about the consequences.

But there had been consequences. Because she hadn't told Tyelko. About any of that.

You're not one to talk, Maedhros thought to himself, when it comes to communication. He had done an abysmal job with Fingon. He was fortunate Fingon had been so understanding and steadfast.

Fingon. He wished Fingon was here. Fingon would know exactly what to say to his sister, what to do to put her at ease.

Maedhros would just have to do his best. And leaving her alone at the train station was not his best.

He darted another look at her. "Listen, I know I said I would drive you anywhere you wanted to go but I really don't like the idea of dropping you off at the station. Please let me drive you home?"

"I don't want to muck up your night."

"You aren't mucking up my night. I wouldn't feel right dropping you off. Let me do this," Maedhros said. "I'll take you home."

Aredhel sighed. "I appreciate it, Maedhros. I'd rather not face the train right at the moment." She turned her head towards him. "Thank you. I'm sorry I've been such a bloody hag about you all week."

Maedhros shook his head. "I get it. I'd feel the same way about it if our positions were reversed."

"Our positions are reversed," Aredhel said. "I've just been an absolute horror to your brother. And you're still being nice to me. Makes me feel even worse about what a stupid git I've been about you."

"It's not quite the same," Maedhros said. "You didn't break Tyelko's nose." He gave her a sidelong look. "Come to think of it, I broke Tyelko's nose a few years ago. So, you see I've still got you beat."

She shook her head. "You know what I mean."

Maedhros nodded. "I know what you mean."

They drove in silence as Maedhros took the main road to Tirion. The idea of dropping her off at home, still upset and agitated, felt wrong to him. The idea of going home to Tyelko without some answers wasn't very appealing either.

Tyelko had been visibly shaken, as his brother rarely was, distraught at the thought that he had upset Aredhel in some way. He'd have to text Maglor to tread gently around their younger brother tonight.

"What about we stop and get something to eat?" he suggested. "I don't know about you but I'm starved and I think you could do with a bite."

---

The text message from Maedhros was brief but concerning. Maglor frowned at his phone. It had pinged as he pulled up the driveway at home and he had glanced at it before getting out of the car.

He had been surprised to find Maedhros' car missing when he pulled into the garage. His brother had left work before him tonight and should have been home a while ago. Now Maedhros' message said he'd be back late and to "tread gently" with Tyelko. What the hell did that mean?

Since when did anyone have to tread gently with Tyelko?

Not since Luthien, a voice whispered in his head. Ugh. What made him think of that? Maglor shook his head. Tyelko was on much steadier ground now, relationship wise, with Aredhel. Maybe something was up with the team.

Or Father.

He wouldn't put it past Tyelko to have managed to ignore all their advice and have faced off with their father about the perceived slight to Aredhel. It wasn't that far-fetched. But he expected he would have heard from his other brothers if Tyelko had engaged in a confrontation with Fëanor. Those encounters were never quiet if Tyelko was involved.

No matter. He'd find out in a matter of moments—Tyelko's car was parked in the garage.

Maglor made his way into the kitchen. All quiet. He made his way to the family room—empty. That was a bit disconcerting. Tyelko was usually sprawled out in front of the television in the evenings.

He poked his head into the living room and found nothing. "Tyelko?" he called out.

"In here."

The library? Maglor made his way to that room and was met with the sight of a fire burning brightly but no sign of his brother. "Tyelko?" he said again.

"Yeah?"

The curtains pulled back at the window seat and Maglor could now see his brother's recumbent form curled up on the cushions there, in Maedhros' favorite old retreat.

"Hey," Maglor said, moving to stand near him. "What are you doing?"

"Just needed to think for a bit. Seemed a likely place to do it."

Maglor snorted. "If you're Maedhros you mean. You usually head to the workout room when you want to clear your head. What's going on?" Maglor sat on the far end of the window seat and leaned against the wall there. The window was cold as he came into contact with it but Tyelko's forehead was pressed against it, his eyes directed at the darkness outside.

He looked tired, Maglor thought. It was rare to see Tyelko look tired. He narrowed his eyes at his brother's profile. No, tired wasn't really the right word. Tyelko looked . . . well, dejected was perhaps a better description. He hadn't turned his head to look at Maglor and he was slumped in the corner of the window seat—not sprawled out in the way Tyelko usually was. Tyelko typically claimed an undue amount of space—arms and legs spread wide. But at the moment he was curled up, closed off, knees drawn up to his chest.

"What's going on, Tyelko?" Maglor asked again, his voice dropping in volume but gentler in tone.

"I don't really know," Tyelko said slowly. "I'm not sure myself." He turned to dart a glance at Maglor and then turned back to the window.

Not good, Maglor thought to himself. Not good when that spark of mischief was gone from Tyelko's eyes. He reached over to put a hand on Tyelko's knee. "You eat yet?"

"Not hungry."

If the alarm bells hadn't been going off before, they certainly were now. "You're never not hungry," Maglor said. "Come on, let's get something going for dinner."

"I said I'm not hungry," Tyelko repeated, a hint of a growl in his response this time.

Tread gently, Maedhros had said. That was reasonable advice but he wasn't going to let Tyelko sit and wallow in whatever it was that was bothering him. That wasn't Tyelko's way. Tyelko worked things out one of two ways—physically or very loudly. Or both.

This was neither and it was disturbing. He'd expected either of those options when he'd read Maedhros' text. Not this. Not this quiet melancholy.

The thought drifted in his head again. Luthien. Tyelko had been uncharacteristically morose and withdrawn then too. A shiver of apprehension swept over him. Tyelko had been planning to spend the afternoon with Aredhel today, hadn't he?

"Did something happen today, Tyelko? Something with Aredhel?" Maglor asked gently.

His brother exhaled roughly. "Something," Tyelko said. "But I'm not sure I know quite what."

It took a few more moments of gentle, persistent prodding before Maglor got the story out of him. He could feel his irritation and anger rising as Tyelko spoke. She'd just walked out on him—run out, if Tyelko was being accurate—after he had revealed how much he cared for her?

How was that an appropriate response on her part? There were literally dozens of better ways to brush Tyelko off, if she wasn't interested in a relationship. But to just run off? Without a word? What the bloody hell way was that?

If she hadn't wanted to get involved with Tyelko why had she kept on seeing him? It was obvious to anyone that Tyelko wasn't just in this for casual fun. He was smitten with Aredhel. Hadn't she seen that?

There were a few choice statements on the tip of his tongue but he restrained himself, Maedhros' words echoing back to him. It wouldn't do to get Tyelko any more upset. With his luck Tyelko would spring to Aredhel's defense and then pick a fight with him to assuage his hurt feelings. No, thank you, Maglor thought to himself. He had no interest in being the object of Tyelko's ire tonight. Better to swallow the bitter words for now.

He would have to just try to take Tyelko's mind off it and have a conversation with Maedhros about it tonight. Fingon was a stand-up character. It was too bad his sister wasn't.

---

The restaurant was quiet, only a few tables occupied. Maedhros requested a booth in the back and that ensured that he and Aredhel had some semblance of privacy.

They were silent looking over their menus. If it had been any of his brothers Maedhros would have known just how to proceed. He knew how they reacted to situations, how best to approach each of them when they were upset, what words to say. Aredhel was a mystery to him. He would have to trust his instinct it seemed.

The waitress took their order and silence descended on the table again. Aredhel was tugging on a strand of her dark hair and chewing her bottom lip. She looked younger somehow that way and it gave Maedhros the push he needed to start talking.

"Listen. I don't know quite what to say. I do know what Tyelko said upset you. I'm sorry that happened."

She looked up at him, frowning. "It wasn't really that I got upset at him. It was more that the words took me to a place I know he didn't intend. I could tell he was nervous. That he was serious about what he was saying. I got that. But I couldn't help the fact that the words themselves just made my skin crawl. I couldn't wall off that part of me that started freaking out." Her eyebrows drew together. "I tried. But I couldn't shake it. I just had to get out of there. I couldn't even get the words out to explain. I just had to go. . . get away."

Maedhros nodded. It sounded very much like a panic attack to him. He'd had enough of his own to recognize that skin crawling sensation, that need to escape the situation that had triggered that feeling.

He crossed his arms and leaned forward. "I know that feeling," he said. He exhaled and paused before speaking again. "For me certain things could trigger that feeling and then if I didn't get myself out of there I risked spiraling into a full-blown panic attack." He met her eyes. "I've a feeling that's what happened to you today."

"It sounds right," Aredhel said slowly. "I'd have never jumped in your car like that otherwise. I should have known it was too quick to be the car service. I can be impulsive but not like that. You could have been anyone." She dropped her head back onto the leather of the booth. "I just had to go, anywhere but there."

"What Tyelko said," Maedhros questioned. "Can you tell me what he said, what made it so awful?"

Her eyes widened and he could see her face go a bit pale.

He made a negating motion with his hand. "You don't have to," he said quickly. "I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have asked that."

She set her jaw. "No. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's nothing really wrong with what he said. It's just . . . it's just that the words themselves get twisted up with things in my memory and they just sounded so much worse then." She leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table. "It's like the words are normal, you know, but then I'm hearing them through some kind of filter that makes them sound . . . I don't know . . . sinister, I guess?" She threw up her hands. "I don't know if that makes sense."

"In the right context, I'm sure it does," Maedhros said hesitantly. "I don't know much about this whole situation, just the bit Fingon told me." He leaned forward even more. "But I'm willing to listen if you want to talk about it. If talking about it would help at all." He shrugged, his face clouding over. "I'm one to talk," he muttered. "I kept it all bottled up inside me, thinking I could handle it all on my own. But in the long run that wasn't any good for anybody. Not Fingon, not Turgon and certainly not me. I thought keeping it in made me strong. It didn't." His voice held a tinge of bitterness.

Aredhel studied him as he spoke, his words washing over her. She hated talking about this. She hated thinking about him. It made her feel weak. She detested feeling weak. And Maedhros was echoing those exact emotions back to her. If anyone could understand how she felt it was likely Maedhros.

The waitress came with their food, which allowed her a moment to gather herself. Once the waitress had deposited their food and moved off Aredhel took a deep breath and plunged into her story.

It didn't take long to tell Maedhros. Tell him about how things had started so innocently. How it had been so flattering to have Eöl so crazy about her. How cherished and loved she felt. Until she didn't feel cherished and loved but confined, trapped, watched. How "crazy about her" took a more sinister turn when it meant not trusting her when she was out of his sight. When it meant following her when she went out with her girlfriends. When it meant he tracked her phone without her knowing it. When he would say things that sounded like words of love and devotion but were really about obsession and control. When words became weapons, cutting and cruel.

She told Maedhros about how she had finally decided to break it off only to have him start stalking her afterward, following her even more intently than before, harassing her friends and her teammates. How he always seemed to know where she was, who she was with. The late-night phone calls. The incessant, increasingly paranoid texts.

She told him all of it. And how Tyelko's turns of phrase had made her stomach clench and brought all those old feelings rushing to the surface.

Her food got cold as she spoke but Aredhel found once she started she couldn't stop.

She finally fell silent, spent with the endeavor of spilling it all out. Maedhros reached his open hand onto the table. She tentatively put hers in his and felt his hand squeeze her own, warm and reassuring.

"Thank you for trusting me with that," Maedhros said.

Aredhel tilted her head and studied him. "It was easier than I thought it would be once I got started." She kept her eyes on his. "I know why Fingon thinks the world of you," she said. "I feel terrible I judged you so harshly. You were just trying to protect him from the ugliness of it all. And keep yourself from having to delve into it all again." She squeezed his hand. "But that isn't the best way to deal with it, is it?"

Maedhros shook his head. "It isn't. I've learned my lesson on that."

"Thank you for not treating me like I treated you," Aredhel continued. "You had every right to be furious with me after what went down with Tyelko today."

Her eyes widened, alarm showing in her face as she let go of Maedhros' hand. "Tyelko," she repeated. "Shit, shit, shit. I can't believe I did that to him. I just fucking ran from him. Ran, like I was afraid of him." She slammed her fist on the table, making the plates jump. "I wasn't really thinking about it, what it must have done to him, to say all that to me and have me go running off like a fucking maniac when he did." She gripped the table with both hands. "You have to take me back," she said. "You have to take me back there, so I can talk to him. So I can apologize, so I can explain what a fucking mess I made of everything."

"No, I'm not taking you back tonight."

"But you have to! I can't just leave it like this now. It's bad enough how I left him earlier tonight. I can't let him keep thinking he did something wrong. He didn't! You know that. You knew that, even when you asked me if he did anything. You can't seriously expect me to let him think it's his fault?"

"I'm not asking you to do that. I'm just saying it's been a rough day for both of you. I won't say he isn't hurt. Even in the brief moment I spoke to him I could tell he was upset. But I don't think either of you are going to get anywhere trying to talk this out tonight. You need to eat, get some rest and sort it out in your head. You can talk to him tomorrow. In fact, I think you should make sure you talk to him tomorrow," Maedhros said.

"I can't!" Aredhel exclaimed. "I can't just leave him hanging like this, Maedhros. It's not fair to him." She narrowed her eyes. "You're not being fair to him."

"Listen. Trust me on this. It will all be easier in the morning. Apologizing isn't going to be enough. He isn't going to understand why you reacted that way. He can't, if he doesn't know your history. He'll just end up saying something next time that has the same effect. You need to tell him what you told me. The whole story. So he can understand, Aredhel. So he can support you. So he can be sensitive to what he's saying."

Her mouth was a thin line. "I don't want him to have to be careful around me. I'm not breakable, Maedhros. I don't need to be treated with kid gloves. I don't want him to have to think everything through before he says it. That's not Tyelko. I'd hate it if he had to do that and eventually he would too."

Maedhros sighed. "That's not what I meant, Aredhel. He's got to know so he knows what to expect. Not to necessarily censor himself. But to know that sometimes things he says might sound ok to him but not ok to you. And if he knows what went on then it's easier for you to tell him when something makes you uncomfortable. You can talk it out. But he has to know for you to be able to have those conversations."

He studied her face. "He's serious about you. More serious than I've seen him about anyone."

"I know."

"So you need to talk to him, Aredhel. And I don't think me running you back home tonight is quite the best time for the two of you to have that talk. You need to be ready to say to him what you've said to me. And be prepared to tell him what you're looking for with him. He needs to know if this is something you are as serious about as he is. If it's not, then you need to tell him that too." He looked at her intently, his silver eyes concerned. "And if you don't know the answer to that then you might want to think it over a bit before you talk to him." Maedhros' fingers tapped on the table as he spoke. "I know it might be a hard question, with what went on before. If you don't have the answer, that's fine. But I still don't think tonight is the best time to hash that all out."

Aredhel looked down. He was right. She had thought this all through the other night and had determined that she was going to pursue the casual route, confidently deluding herself that he wanted that too. She knew his real answer now, of course. But did that change hers? She needed to think about that, seriously think about that. Her heart and her head had been at odds about that for some time now.

Reluctantly she admitted to herself that Maedhros was right. She was prepared to apologize, not quite so prepared to share the whole story and definitely not prepared to discuss where she wanted this relationship to go. She had to sort that out for herself before she discussed it with Tyelko.

She wanted it, wanted it so much. But the question was could she trust enough to risk her heart? And if she wasn't prepared to do that how could she avoid breaking his?