The Dark Foe Wears Feanaro by whitewave

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The Timeline

I took a peek at the websites of Vera Wang, Louis Vuitton and United Colors of Benetton and mixed them all up to come up with this.

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Timeline of Major Events in the House of Fëanaro:

Years of the Trees:

4633 (Arrival of the Eldar in Aman) – Innovative Cuiviénen broideress Miriel Therinde introduces her first line of gowns that flatter the curvaceous form of the nessi (females).   During the Great Journey, both genders wore formless, “unisex” robes that hid rather than complemented the superior Eldarin anatomy.  Valar and Maiar followed suit. Her doting husband King Finwë reputedly always helped her out of her form-fitting robes to check for “quality control”.    

Melkor, later dubbed “Mr. Dark Foe” by Miriel’s son, issues his first scathing criticism for fashion (and everything else) from the Void.

4669 (Death of Miriel Therinde) – All of her gowns become extremely precious collector’s items that almost cause a riot in Valinor.  Valar prevent this catastrophe by confiscating all the items. 

Start of the Dark Age of the Valinorean Fashion Industry
4750 – Indis wears a lacy white gown with a long, long, long train to her wedding with King Finwë, which prompts her stepson to say:  “There is no need to wear a tablecloth, O Step-mother dear, I have plenty of extra fabric in my store room.” 

Within the week, Fëanaro moves out of the palace and starts his apprenticeship with Aulë.  The Palace’s team of publicists categorically denies that there was any “negative tension” between stepmother and stepson.

In Aulë’s atelier, he meets a hot red-head named Nerdanel, who specializes in crafting extremely “life-like” mannequins with “simulated skin” that responds to touch and feels very “realistic”. 

After much tension and experimentation with the life-like mannequins, Fëanaro and Nerdanel soon marry and start “crafting their own family tree.”

4875 (Fëanaro’s Scorching Debut, a.k.a. The End of the Dark Age of the Valinorean Fashion Industry) – The Noldorin Queen throws a grand Begetting Day Banquet with only a tenth of her husband’s people in attendance.  The rest of the Noldor, together with the Vanya and the Teleri, all head out and stare transfixed for days on end at the gigantic billboards posted in Calacirya until the Valar have no choice but to confiscate the billboards.  They contain an obviously nude Fëanaro with his arms outstretched while appearing to emerge from a lake of fire.  He only has three shiny Silmarils covering his much-vaunted family jewels. 
The caption reads:  Light your inner fire, wear a Fëanaro.

4900 – Melkor is released from the Void and immediately submits a comprehensive resumé to the House of Fëanaro under the assumed name of “Bauglir”.  It is rejected instantly.  He starts to bombard the HR department with harassing phone calls.

4900 onwards (Copycats) – A string of imitation posters from Fëanaro’s fashion rivals appear in Aman in response.   Females have taken to brawling in the streets for a piece of the billboards.  The Valar have no choice but to confiscate all of the revealing (but juicy) images. (To see the complete list, click Next.) 

Shopping bags of the House are distributed showing Fëanaro in various states of deshabille.  All boutique branches report a sharp spike in the incidence of shoplifting of said shopping bags.   (To purchase these shopping bags, which are now more expensive than the clothes, click Next.)

4990 – The hormonal female fans of the fashion house get their first glimpse of the seven sons of Fëanaro and Nerdanel when they pose together with their father in the ad entitled “The Unbreakable Oath”.  The ad is criticized for its wanton display of ripped male abs and toned bottoms.  The designer and his sons all sport cutting-edge Noldorin armor and very long, upright swords.  The ad is shot by torchlight in Tirion and is considered a novelty.   The light of the Two Trees was temporarily turned off.

In connected events, a whole warehouse of life-size, anatomically-correct, voice-activated, realistic-motion mannequins of the seven sons is reported missing.  The Valar do not know how to react to this so they decide to confiscate the remaining merchandise.

4992 (The Restraining Order) – Melkor, a.k.a. Bauglir, personally goes to Fëanaro’s atelier in Formenos to demand an interview, but the hot-headed designer, busy working on his Next Millennium Collection, drives the applicant away by setting a hungry Huan on him.   A restraining order is placed on Melkor.  The Valar also consider confiscating Huan but Oromë intervenes.

Melkor immediately starts a malicious smear campaign to undermine Fëanaro’s popularity by stating (among other things) that the Silmarils are nothing but “very fancy balls of chemically-treated sequins”.   Fëanaro’s reply cannot be printed due to strict censoring by the Valar. 

4993 (The Maryëlinde Sue Mannequins) - Nerdanel creates a set of realistic female mannequins of extreme beauty, with perfect, anatomically correct bodies in a variety of hair and eye colors for the smashing pictorial debut of their seven sons:  "The Seven Wonders of Arda".

All major magazines like Ellyth, Magnificent Elfhood, Elflord’s Quarterly (EQ), and The Red Book of Tirion  arrive from the printers in demure brown wrapping paper.  There is an unprecedented fainting epidemic on that day for all magazine subscribers after they tear the packages open.   Full-length commercials are also aired from Teleporno network and viewed in all Palantiri in Valinor.  Moralists decry the marketing blitz as “high-end harlotry.”  (To purchase a compilation of these special edition glossy magazine covers and high-definition "sevenfolds", click Next.)

4994 –Alqualondë and Taniquetil engage in a furious bidding war to be the next location of Fëanaro’s awaited “mega” commercial.  The former wins very narrowly.  Indis moves back to Taniquetil in protest.   Fëanaro throws a big party afterward.  The Palace’s team of publicists categorically denies that there was any “negative tension” between stepmother and stepson.

4995– The House of Fëanaro launches the “Monster Spider Conquers Alqualondë” commercial, where a giant black spider (a high-tech animatronic robot), sucks the life out of the Two Trees, and harasses a scantily-dressed horde of Mary Sue mannequins in Alqualondë.  

The seven sons (also scantily clad) come to the rescue and engage in bloody combat with the poor animatronic spider.  The giant spider then flees to the ocean but is closely pursued by the seven sons in very wet shirts.  The commercial ends in Losgar, where the dashing pursuers burn the pitiful spider and earn kisses from their Mary Sues.

Melkor severely criticizes the commercial as being “unrealistic”, saying that Alqualondë is not the natural habitat of giant spiders, and that they are hardly “monstrous”.   He is also particularly scathing of the empty-headed but extremely curvy Mary Sue mannequins. 

Beleaguered by the press for a comment, Fëanaro’s sharp response is:   “$)@*(*$^%.  This is a *$&#^#&@*@ commercial marketing campaign.  If you want a science documentary, watch Kelvar Planet!”

4996 – Nerdanel launches her own label called Mahtaniel Vuitton which specializes in luxury luggage and travel bags.   This is cited as an excuse for wives in Aman to pack up and leave their husbands.  The Valar decide to ban long-distance travel in Aman while they decide what to do.

Transition to the First Age:  

4996 Y.T. to 590 F.A. – A series of very expensive lawsuits, counter lawsuits and counter-to-the-counter lawsuits between Melkor and Fëanaro.  The Valar decide to lock up Melkor in the Void again to save on legal expenses.  Melkor accepts the sentence, provided that he is supplied a complete wardrobe by Fëanaro.  The designer sends his cast-off clearance sale items to Melkor (mostly black).

An obscure Avarin elf writes his own ludicrous and highly inaccurate retelling of the events in the House of Fëanaro entitled “The Silmarillion”, which is criticized as a big, fat “Garry Stu” by renowned editors.   It becomes a big hit with Second-born females (mostly nerdy) many ages hence.

5 F.A. - The Valar decide to confiscate the Two Trees due to the expensive power bills they generate and switch to solar/lunar power to partially fund the lawsuits.

60 - 200 F.A. - Melkor tries to sell Fëanaro knock-offs to orcs and men in Angband but is slapped with yet another series of lawsuits.   The House of Fëanaro counter-attacks by launching its "moderately-priced" clothing line:  the United Colors of Fëanaro to target the Second-born market.   

The remainder of the First Age to the Fourth Age:

591 F.A to the end of the Fourth Age:    The House of Fëanaro expands its operations and opens branches all over Arda and make sure that the Valar receive “commissions” to prevent them from confiscating all the merchandise again. 

Fifth Age:
The House of Fëanaro launches seven “sub-labels” headed by his sons.  As always, loyal fans are treated to a mouth-watering, high-resolution “sevenfold” entitled: “Seven Capital Virtues/Seven Capital Sins.”  (To purchase a compilation of these eye-candy posters, click Next.)

Maitimo – athletic wear (all fire-proof) and eyewear
Macalaure - swimwear and scuba diving
Tyelkormo – casual/day wear and perfume
Carnistir – formal/evening wear and hypo-allergenic cosmetics
Atarinke – shoes, bags, accessories, watches and jewelry
Ambarussa – lingerie (Amrod), household linens & bedding (Amras)

Sixth Age:

The House of Fëanaro launches its Bridal, Resort and Home labels with another mega marketing blitz:  the renewal of the wedding vows of Fëanaro and Nerdanel.  Huan is the ring-bearer/flower-dog/hound-of-honor.  The seven sons in dashing tuxedos stand as “Best Elves” to their father with a whole town of Mary Sues for bridesmaids.  A special platform is constructed for the Mary Sues to “strut their stuff”.  This is the origin of the “catwalk”.   

(To schedule personalized “fitting sessions” with Fëanaro and his seven sons, please visit their Formenos factory or check their website: www.houseoffëanaro.com)

(Lucky customers may also win an updated set of the Seven Sons Realistic Mannequins Collection (now comes with pre-recorded speech!) For details, click Next.)

Parting shot:   "How ironic that a house that sells clothes promotes itself by selling racy, nearly-naked pictures of males.  Such crudeness!"  - Melkor from the Void

 

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Chapter End Notes

No offense is meant for the comment on "nerdy females".    

Deshabille - (from dictionary.com) - The state of being partially or very casually dressed.