The OTHER Lays of Beleriand by Aiwen

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The Laundry Orc's Lament

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The Laundry Orc's Lament

The water smells like lilac,

And I am far too clean,

But Gothmog's shirt is dirty,

So in the wash it goes!

 

With a

Bash bash,

Scrub scrub,

Splash splash,

Ow my aching hands and back!

 

I am an orc of Angband,

But my career has suffered many woes,

I once was drunk on sentry,

They said death wasn't bad enough:

 

With a

Laugh laugh,

Snigger snigger,

Kick kick,

And to the wash-pit I was banned.

 

The elf-slaves were told to do it,

But they shrank Morgoth's cloak,

Bleached the balrog's mittens,

And tie-dyed Sauron's shirts.

 

With a

Tee hee,

Whisper whisper,

Plot plot,

And they were invited to dine with Thuringwethil.

 

So now they make us do it,

Though we always do it wrong,

They make us do it over,

So we sing this mournful song...

 

Start again at the beginning and repeat until the washing is done. There is no tune, or rather, there are as many tunes as there are Orcs who have ever sung it. This version is as was sung to Lindir by Gwindor in the halls of Nargothrond. There is a note in the margin not to sing it unless you wish your audience to go away.