Maeglin's Choice by chrissystriped

Chapter Twelve

Celebrimbor knocked against the tent pole before pushing back the flap.

“Maeglin? Are you there?”

He hadn’t seen him at the forge today at all which was unusual for him, so he’d come looking if everything was alright. Celebrimbor froze when he took in the sight before him. Maeglin lay curled up on his bed, a white cloth pressed against his face. His shoulders were shaking and Celebrimbor was sure that he was crying. No, everything was not alright.

He hesitated, Maeglin seemed not to have noticed him and he didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable because he’d seen him like this — Celebrimbor had a feeling he would worry about it — but the thought of leaving him here alone, crying, tore at his heart.

“Maeglin?”, he said softly and crouched down beside him, touching his shoulder. Maeglin’s eyes, bright with tears, appeared above the white cloth. “What’s wrong? Are you in pain?”

Maeglin shook his head. “Not physically”, he croaked and hid his face again.

Celebrimbor gently rubbed his back. “Do you want me to leave?”

Maeglin shook his head and Celebrimbor settled down beside him, continuing to rub his back.

“It’s the day of my mother’s death”, Maeglin finally said, sitting up and looking at him out of red-rimmed eyes. “Do you… do you know how she died?”

Celebrimbor shook his head. “I only know that you and her came through my father’s country when you went back to Gondolin — and that my father didn’t like your father when he met him, coming after you.”

“He killed her”, Maeglin wailed and hugged the white cloth. “He tried to kill me, when he realised Turgon wouldn’t let him take me out of the city again, but Mother jumped in the line of his spear and… Mother died and Father was executed.”

“Oh, Maeglin.” Celebrimbor slowly laid his arms around him, giving him time to draw back, if the touch wasn’t appreciated. “I’m so sorry.”

He knew that Maeglin had had a complicated relationship with his father, but to lose both parents in a matter of days…

Maeglin clung to him. “Thank you”, he whispered. “For staying.”

Celebrimbor held him tighter. “You are not alone”, he said gently. “I’m here for you.”

Maeglin clung to Celebrimbor’s calmingly firm body, his mother’s shawl held tight in his hand. His head throbbed and his eyes felt dry from crying so long. He missed his mother so much! But at least he wasn’t alone anymore.

“This was hers”, he said, spreading out the crocheted fabric on Celebrimbor’s lap. “Elenwe made it for her.” He looked up. “Did you know my mother?”

“A little. My father allowed me sometimes to accompany him, my uncle and her when they went hunting -- back in Valinor. I liked her, but I didn’t know her well.”

Maeglin nodded. “She loved to hunt. Living in the forest suited her. But… being forbidden to go where she wanted to by my father… she felt so trapped. He let me come with him at least to see the Khazâd in their cities, but her he forced to stay in Nan Elmoth.”

He hadn’t spoken about this with anyone for so long. Idril had listened to him in the beginning and Turgon had asked — interrogated — him after his parents’ deaths, but afterwards… He felt save with Celebrimbor. Save enough to tell him this.

“My father, he thought only his way of living was the right one and he hated the Noldor for taking land as their own that should belong to everyone in his eyes. He also blamed them for Morgoth coming back. He forbade Mother to speak her own language and follow her own customs, because he wanted her to stop being Noldo. So she named me in secret, taught me Quenya in secret. It drew us closer together. Losing her…”

Maeglin sobbed and buried his head on Celebrimbor’s chest. The pain clawed into his heart, worse than anything he’d been subjected to in Angband.

Celebrimbor stroked Maeglin’s back. He didn’t say a word, just held him. He couldn’t fathom what he was feeling. Oh, he had grieved when he’d heard of Curufin’s death, he'd loved him despite their differences that had led him to stay behind when his father and Celegorm had been banished from Nargothrond.

A cold, angry part of himself knew that his father had deserved nothing more. He’d have deserved to be sentenced to death for usurping the crown of Nargothrond and no matter what he and Celebrimbor’s uncles were telling themselves, attacking Doriath in the name of the Oath had been wrong.

He’d also been fully grown for a very long time. Maeglin was so young, he could have been barely more than a child when his parents had died. Celebrimbor bowed his head and kissed Maeglin’s tousled hair. He mumbled sleepily, having cried himself to exhaustion. One of his hands clung to Celebrimbor’s shirt as if he feared he’d vanish if he didn’t hold on tight, the other gripped Aredhel’s shawl. It would have been cute, if it weren’t so sad.

Celebrimbor felt tears prick at his eyes, gentleness for Maeglin and sadness for a cousin he hadn’t know well enough overwhelming him. He reached down for the blanket to wrap it around them both, it looked like he’d stay here for the night.

Maeglin jerked, when he moved. “No! Don’t go!”, he said with panic in his voice.

“I don’t intend to”, Celebrimbor answered gently, kissing his forehead. “I just wanted to fetch a blanket. Lie down.”

He wrapped the blanket about them both and hugged Maeglin tight again.

“You never have to be alone again, when you are sad”, Celebrimbor said gently. “Of course, if you want to be alone, that’s alright, too, but I’ll be here, as long as you want me to. I… you are dear to me.”

‘I love you’, the words came suddenly to his mind. He didn’t say them. He feared Maeglin would run away from him, if he did. He also wasn’t sure what was between Maeglin and Rog, they were very close… and this wasn’t the right time anyway. "I like you, too", Maeglin whispered, snuggled into him and closed his eyes, quickly falling into an exhausted sleep.