Maeglin's Choice by chrissystriped

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Chapter Thirteen

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Maeglin watched Rog washing his face. He hadn’t wanted to be alone tonight and Rog hadn’t asked any questions besides wanting to know if he needed anything to be able to fall asleep before allowing him to slip into his bed. Maeglin had slept deeply and dreamlessly in his arms but now his whole body tensed again as he remembered why he’d been so upset. Rog turned to him as if he’d felt his changed mood – and maybe he had, Rog always let him into his mind – and sat down on the corner of the bed.

“Do you want to talk?”, he asked gently.

“I... why do I always fall in love with people I’m related to!”, Maeglin blurted out. “People I can’t have!”

Rog caressed his head. “Celebrimbor?”

Maeglin felt his cheeks heat. “So obvious?”, he mumbled and Rog smiled wryly.

“Well, you are spending a lot of time with him and I thought it might mean something. Has he turned you away?”

Maeglin shook his head. “I don’t dare to tell him. He’s my cousin and... when I think of how long it took Idril to talk to me at all again... I don’t want to lose his friendship.”

“Oh Lómion”, Rog said gently and despite everything Maeglin felt warmth in his heart because he called him that. “How can you know that he’d shun you if you didn’t ask? Even if it was only because of your close kinship that the princess didn’t fall in love with you... Celebrimbor and you are much less closely related. I admit that I don’t understand the constraints the Noldor put on marriage in this regard anyway, but I don’t think it would be a problem in this case.”

“You think I should tell him?”

“It hurts you to stay silent.” Maeglin bit his lip. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good.” Rog squeezed his shoulder. “What do you think about breakfast?”

Maeglin nodded absentmindedly, his eyes had fallen on the markings on Rog’s arm. Some of the signs he could read. Belonging to the Hwenti, signs that Eol had worn and that covered Maeglin’s upper arm, too – he’d been so proud when Eol had stitched them under his skin, making him an adult. His father had always said he could be proud to be of his people. For a time he had no longer been so sure of that, but now that he was so close to Rog...

“There’s something else. My Maenas... after I came to Gondolin, I didn’t continue my story...”

“Would you like to?” Rog gave him a serious look. 

“I’m not sure.” Maeglin rubbed his arm where he knew the ink to be under his skin. “I don’t want to draw attention." Even with Eol’s small community there had always been a feast when someone got a new line added to their Maenas.

“We don’t have to have a huge party”, Rog said. “I can stitch it here, only with the two of us present. If it means something to you.”

Maeglin nodded. “I’ll think about it. Can we talk about what I want to have added?”

“Of course. May I see it?”

Maeglin rolled up his sleeve and Rog let his eyes wander over the dark patterns.

“I’d like to have my mother there”, Maeglin said. “Father... didn’t want that.” He hugged himself. Eol’s eyes had flashed when he’d dared to ask for it and punished him. “I’m Noldo, too”, he whispered, afraid that Rog might share the sentiment that he needed to decide.

“It’s part of you, Lómion”, Rog said gently and hugged him. “Many of my people have parents of mixed kin, but we are all Quendi. Just because some of them forgot this custom doesn’t mean we have to exclude them from it. And one thing we have all in common.” Rog pointed at a pattern of his own Maenas. “Angband. Survivor. And before you say anything against it: You deserve it. What else do you want? That you fought in the Nirnaeth Arnoediad? That you are the nephew of the king? I know your relationship with Turgon wasn’t always easy but...”

Maeglin thought about it. “Do you think, it would honour him? It is my fault he lost his city.”

“And he doesn’t blame you, does he? I think he would think of it positively, yes.”

“Then yes. He is my uncle and he did his best, although he sometimes expected things from me I couldn’t be.”

Turgon had been surprised when he’d asked to be excused from the meetings with Gil-galad and Círdan, but he’d accepted that Maeglin would rather spent his days in the forge and make things his people needed.

“Then it will be so. Once you’ve decided about the time and place, tell me and I’ll arrange tools and ingredients for the ink.”

“Thank you.”

Maeglin wished desperately for the courage to ask Rog, who felt every day more like a father to him, if he’d allow him the honour of putting their relationship in his story. Was that presumptuous? Rog was always friendly but maybe he didn’t see their relationship like that. He didn’t want to destroy what they had...

‘It hurts you to stay silent.’

Maeglin took a deep breath. “You are like a father to me, Rog”, he said before he could think better of it. “I... I’d be honoured if you’d let me call myself your son.”

“Lómion, that...” Rog had tears in his eyes and Maeglin could feel clearly how much his words meant to him. “It honours me that you feel that way. You want me to adopt you?”

Maeglin nodded. “If it feels right for you?”

“It does.” Rog embraced him. “It does very much. I’d love to have a big feast, but we’ll keep it as small as you want... yonya.”

Maeglin smiled happily at him. “Thank you. Atto Rog.” He laughed because it felt good to call him that.

Rog smiled wryly. “The name my parents gave me is Tamwe. You can call me that, if you want to.”

“Oh.” He knew the story of how Rog had gotten his name, but he wasn’t sure anyone in Gondolin knew the name he’d had before. “I will do so gladly, Atto Tamwe.”

 

Maeglin rubbed his arm nervously. Celebrimbor and he were drinking an after-work beer like they often had done in the last few weeks.

“I’d like to invite you to something”, he said before he could lose his courage. “It’s... what do you know about avarin customs?”

“Not much.”

“They – we – stitch our story with ink under our skin. And I... I didn’t do it for a long time, but I want to continue it. It is part of who I am. There’ll be a ceremony and a little party and I’d like to invite you.” Maeglin felt his cheeks heat.

“I’d love to come.” Celebrimbor lifted his mug. “Let’s drink to that?”

Maeglin smiled and obliged him.

“May I ask...”, Celebrimbor said cautiously. “I thought you didn’t want to be linked to your father.”

Maeglin would have thought it an accusation but with him... “You still wear the star, too”, he said. “It is true that I didn’t want to think about being a Hwente, but... since I got to know Rog better... it feels good to share that with him.”

“He means a lot to you, doesn’t he?”, Celebrimbor asked with a strange tone to his voice.

“He’s like a father for me. Indeed...” Maeglin grinned. “He’ll adopt me at the occasion.”

It surprised him to feel something like relief from Celebrimbor.

“I’m happy for you. Maeglin... I hope you won’t take offence at me doing this.”

Celebrimbor had taken his hand and come closer and now his lips met Maeglin’s in a shy kiss. Maeglin was so surprised that he couldn’t react. Celebrimbor pulled back trying to hide his disappointment.

“I’m sorry, I...”

He wanted to stand up and Maeglin reached quickly for his arm.

“No!” He mustn’t let him leave like this! “I was just surprised. I...” He pulled him down and kissed him again. “I didn’t think you’d want me”, he whispered.

Celebrimbor laid his hands on his cheeks. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Another kiss that felt so incredibly good.

‘Because I thought, I’d never find someone who’d love me back’, Maeglin thought but he didn’t want to stop kissing him to say it.

“I think we should find a more private place”, Maeglin mumbled and blushed when he remembered they were in a public space. His heart thundered in his chest.

“Your or my place?” Celebrimbor helped him to his feet and tugged him out of the pub.

“Uh...” Maeglin suddenly realised how this must have sounded to Celebrimbor and wasn’t so sure if this wasn’t too fast for him.

Celebrimbor stopped and laid his hands on his shoulders, his eyes kind and smiling. “Let’s got to my place and kiss a little more, if you like.” He stroked is cheeks with his thumbs. “We can take as much time as you like to.”

“Thank you”, Maeglin whispered and Celebrimbor kissed the tip of his nose.

“You are so cute.”

Maeglin felt himself blush again, but he didn’t feel like protesting the sentiment.

“Come.” Celebrimbor laid his arm around his shoulders and led Maeglin along the road to his house. Maeglin leaned a little into him. He almost couldn’t believe that Celebrimbor was really interested in him. Should he have so much luck? Their eyes met and Celebrimbor smiled at him.

“I’m so happy that we met, Maeglin”, he said as if he’d heard his thoughts.

Maeglin reached out instinctively and felt desire and love in his mind. “Sorry”, he said quickly. “I didn’t want to pry. I can’t always control it.”

Celebrimbor squeezed his shoulder. “It’s fine. I don’t have secrets.”

He opened his door without letting go of Maeglin and led him inside.

“Get comfortable”, he said while uncovering a few lamps and lighting a fire. “Do you want to drink something?”

Maeglin slowly shook his head and reached for his hand to pull Celebrimbor down beside him on the couch. “I think, that would make me only more nervous.” He kissed him shyly.

“What can I do to lessen your nervousness?”, Celebrimbor asked, his hand slowly stroked his back.

“I...” Maeglin bit his lip. “You know who I am. What... what I did. And”, he whispered, “we are related.”

He didn’t want to remind him, but he wanted to do the right thing for once in his life.

“Does that bother you?”, Celebrimbor asked frowning.

Maeglin stroked his eyebrows before he could stop himself. “Not me, but...”

“Me neither.” Celebrimbor’s smile returned. “It’s not a very close kinship.” He laid his hand on Maeglin’s cheek. “May I kiss you?”, he asked and Maeglin laughed.

“You already did. But yes, you may.”

Celebrimbor’s lips were soft and warm on Maeglin’s. He sighed softly and slid his fingers through the soft hair at the nape of Celebrimbor’s neck, feeling him shudder at the touch. He could feel Celebrimbor’s arousal, too, and the knowledge that he was feeling that way for him made a warm glow start in his chest. He wanted him! He really wanted him!

“Hmm”, he hummed and sucked Celebrimbor’s lips into his mouth. Celebrimbor’s hand closed around his buttock.

“You are so desirable, do you know that?”

Maeglin felt himself blush again. “I’m not...”

Celebrimbor laid a finger on his lips. “You are beautiful. Let me desire you.”

Maeglin moaned as Celebrimbor nibbled at his neck, his hands found their way under his shirt.

 

Afterwards they lay beside each other, limbs entwined, on Celebrimbor’s narrow bed. Maeglin let his fingertips slide over his naked shoulder.

“I’m so happy”, he whispered a grin tugging at his lips. He hadn’t thought anyone would ever return his love.

Celebrimbor kissed his cheek. “It is good to see you smile. I’m happy, too.”

Celebrimbor traced the lines under his skin with his fingers. At other times Maeglin might have been worried about what he thought of it, but right now all his worries had quieted and he just enjoyed the gentleness.

“Are you going to go north?”, Celebrimbor finally asked.

“I don’t know yet.” Maeglin took a deep breath. “My uncle implied that he’d like it if I’d stay and support Idril, but I... I should go. I have to make up for something and I’d feel like a coward, if I avoid a fight. Nothing is going to stop Rog from going to war and he and I work well together.”

Rog’s people and his got along well, too, and Maeglin felt comfortable among them. It was like he’d finally found a home. Only the thought that he could have had this sooner and with less pain made him sad sometimes.

“But if you are staying...” He might change his mind. He didn’t want to let go of Celebrimbor.

His friend had a strange position here. Most of the Sindar from Doriath treated him with open resentment, although he wasn’t a kinslayer himself, but the Nargothrondrim had a high opinion of him, he didn’t lead them, but that was more because he didn’t want to than for any other reason, Maeglin thought. Maeglin knew Turgon wasn’t sure what to think of him. His uncle had never forgiven the Feanorians that his wife had died on the Ice, but Celebrimbor had been barely more than a child himself at the time. Turgon was thinking about ordering him to come with the army to not leave a rival for Idril behind, but Maeglin didn’t want to tell Celebrimbor that before his uncle had made up his mind.

“That means, if you want me close to you...” He blushed when he realised that he was presuming things. “Please tell me, if I’m too intrusive, I don’t want again to...” He gulped. He didn’t want to think of Idril and how much it had hurt when she’d avoided him.

Celebrimbor held him tighter. “I don’t think you intrusive at all”, he said and caressed his cheek. “Do you think I was asking because I want to get rid of you? I hope we can spend many hours together.”

Maeglin gave him a shy kiss. “Thank you for saying that.”

“I don’t want to leave the Nargothrondrim, they have done so much for me and I want to give it back to them by forging for them. But many of them are talking about going with Turgon to fight. And I’m thinking... I didn’t swear and Oath, but I think I should represent my family.”

“I want to be with you”, Maeglin whispered. “I have my own reasons why I want to fight, but I have also good reasons to stay away.” Maeglin fell silent, his chest feeling tight.

“Do you want to talk... about Angband?”, Celebrimbor asked gently. “You know my uncle was...”

“Did he ever tell you, what happened to him?”, Maeglin asked back and Celebrimbor shook his head.

“But I know that he... didn’t trust himself sometimes. Is that what you mean by having good reasons to stay away?”

“Yes”, Maeglin answered, his voice husky. “He was in my head and I’m afraid of what he could force me to do, if I come in his reach. Maybe I should leave. Maybe it would be better for everyone, if I go into the wild to live alone.”

Celebrimbor shook his head decisively. “You are not alone”, he said firmly. “There are people who love you, who want you to be happy. Let me help you and if you can’t trust me yet, talk to Rog. Didn’t you tell me he has the strongest mental shields you ever encountered? Maybe he can teach you to build your own more firmly.”

Maeglin threw Celebrimbor a surprised look. “I... didn’t think of that”, he admitted. “I... yes, that might help. I’ll talk to him. Thank you.”

He kissed Celebrimbor again and snuggled into him. Celebrimbor held him tighter and Maeglin’s heart beat quicker with happiness. This feeling! This was what he’d dreamed to have with Idril. And that it wasn’t Idril now but Celebrimbor who was with him, didn’t make it less precious. His dream had changed, he could love again.