Rise Again From Ashes by Independence1776

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Chapter 12

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Over the next few months, things started settling down as I adjusted to the slow-paced life in Valinor. Life in Middle-earth had been-- especially in the past century-- faster paced. Glorfindel introduced me to Lindir, who forced me into the musical life of the House. He and his friends understood that I wanted to learn more before I would perform, and though a few of my questions were laughed at, my knowledge of the musical history of Valinor grew. It amazed me that the ballad was still popular, and many considered the longer the better. I liked the shorter forms mortals employed, and appreciated the challenge to be succinct. Finally, a couple weeks before enderi, Lindir asked if I was going to perform.

I ignored the sudden silence in the small chamber and then the chatter that resumed when I agreed. I looked down at my hands, knowing that, for better or worse, I had committed myself, even though I didn't know what I'd be playing. Soon after, I made my excuses and left the other musicians. I wandered the main house, Tirn as ever at my side. I ended up in one of the small rooms overlooking the water, where I stood and watched the waves flow in and out.

A quiet knock on the door frame broke the silence. I smiled at Elrond, and he took that as an invitation to enter, closing the door behind him. Tirn greeted him, but Elrond kneed him aside and joined me at the window. He said nothing for a few minutes, surreptitiously studying me out of the corner of his eye.

“Elrohir said that you were wandering, looking pensive and not a little worried.”

“Can I not think in peace?” Before he could respond, I said, “I agreed to perform at enderi, and I do not know what to perform. The Noldolantë is hardly appropriate.”

Elrond laughed and clasped his hands behind his back. “That is far from the only song you know how to sing.”

“I would rather try something new.”

“You have the time to write a song.”

“Elrond,” I sighed. “Time is one thing; inspiration is another.”

“Do you not keep a list of ideas?”

I ran my hands through my hair, and only barely managed to keep from pacing in frustration. “None I desire to work on. I don't know what I was thinking.” I walked away from the window and sat on the floor next to Tirn, running a hand along his fur. “I may as well sing something I already know. People will be glad enough I'm finally performing to care too much that I did not compose it.”

Elrond turned to face me, leaning against the window and arms crossed in front of his chest. “What about something that you celebrated in Middle-earth?”

“Why would anyone care? I don't want it to be about me.”

“Then what about the Ringbearers? Bilbo and Frodo's birthday is occurring during enderi this year.”

“I didn't know them. Besides, there are songs enough.”

“There can never be enough. If you are worried about inaccuracies, I will gladly correct the lyrics.”

I looked up at my foster son, silhouetted against the light shining in through the windows. “Give me a week. I should have both the basic melody and the lyrics by then.”

Rather than chitchat, I left the room and went to the library to begin researching. If Elrond hadn’t glossed over the truth-- and I trusted he hadn’t-- this would be how I repaid Frodo for his faith in me. I could do no less.

* * * * *

One week later, after having spent all of my free time researching and writing the song, I knocked on the door of Elrond's study, only to have Erestor poke his head out of his study a couple doors down and tell me he was in a meeting with Glorfindel and the other captains at the armory. I thanked him and retreated down the hallway.

“Maglor, what do you need him for?” Erestor called out.

I turned around. “He agreed to help me with something. I'll come by later.”

He studied me for a moment. “He should return in less than an hour.”

I nodded my thanks and headed outside. Unwilling to let Tirn become filthy after the bath I had given him this morning, I didn't let him off the leash. Instead, I wandered the stone paths in the garden next to the house, not really looking at the flowering plants, going over the lyrics in my head and trying not to second-guess them. I eventually sat on a bench in a small alcove overlooking some rosebushes and the ocean beyond. Tirn settled happily at my feet and proceeded to stare at the flying insects, snapping at the ones that came too close to him. I rubbed his head and finally leaned forward, elbows on my knees.

I couldn't help but think how ordinary it looked, like something from Middle-earth. But it was Valinor, and I couldn't help but be reminded of everything I had lost, both in the First Age and after. Respect, hope, love, stability-- all things that I had either slowly regained or still had yet to. But I knew now that my life on Middle-earth had become untenable. I was simply too different from Men, and cut off from anyone who could understand what it meant to live for millennia. No matter that I was stubborn enough not to fade, and that I took to take delight in the new inventions of Men, my alienation had been inevitable. Elrond had seen that immediately. It truly was thanks to him that I was even here at all.

I rose and waited for Tirn to stretch before heading back inside. This time, Elrond answered my knock and gestured me into his study with a smile. After he read the lyrics, he put the papers down on his desk.

“I had forgotten how much effort you put into your songs. This is good, Father, very good.”

I sank back into my chair in relief. “So there are no mistakes?”

“None. I think the Ringbearers would be proud to have you sing this. I know Frodo wished there was a way for you to return home.”

“I wish I could thank him.”

“So do I,” he said with a soft smile. “I think you two would have understood each other. Now, about enderi-- you should know that my parents will be arriving tomorrow.”

I felt the blood drain from my face and was quite glad I was sitting down. Tirn sat up and placed his head on my lap. I automatically reached out and stroked it, while staring at Elrond. “Your parents… I do not think I can face them, Elrond.”

“Eärendil desires to meet with you, Father.”

“After enderi. Not before the performance. I need to work on the song.”

“As you wish. They will be staying for several weeks.”

There was no way for me to avoid them, then. If they were only staying for the midyear celebration, it would have been difficult but possible. Now, I knew Eärendil would seek me out, and his son would order me to meet with him if need be. “Elwing?”

“She has written nothing about meeting you.”

“Ah.” I felt a weight settle in my stomach, and I knew it wouldn’t disappear until after the meeting. Far too soon into my new life here, I’d have to meet two of the people I’d hoped would be able to avoid. I was not looking forward to it. Neither of us spoke, but the weight of Elwing's silence loomed between us, so I asked to be excused. I gathered up my papers and returned to my house, Tirn running ahead of me, chasing the occasional sea gull that flew overhead. Once back inside, with Tirn ensconced on the balcony, I sat down at my desk, manuscripts spread out before me. But I wasn't seeing them-- my thoughts were focused on a day Ages ago: the day Elrond and Elros became my foster sons.

Smoke tickled my nose and wafted across the street from a burning building, limiting visibility. I ignored it, running to Elwing's house. I slew those who fought against me, though unlike some, I refused to chase those who ran. My goal was simple: take the Silmaril and end the bloodshed as swiftly as possible.

But the door was open and the small house where Eärendil's family lived was empty when I reached it, and a flash of red hair at the end of the docks caught my attention. I raced towards Maedhros and stepped foot on the wooden planks just as Elwing leapt into the Sea, the Silmaril at her breast. I froze in shock and spun around when I heard two children cry out from where they were hidden in a pile of nets and rope. I sheathed my sword and slowly walked to the children of Eärendil. I crouched down and looked at the young twins. I ignored Maedhros, who walked to the end of the dock, staring out at the white bird with a Silmaril on her breast.

I moved out of the children's line of sight and pointed her out to them in a gentle voice, “See-- your mother lives still. But you have no one to take care of you now. Will you come with me?”

They looked at each other, wariness in every line of their bodies, and finally one relaxed. He rose and helped his brother disentangle himself from the nets. Once clear of them-- one brother in a dark blue tunic, the other in forest green-- the three of us stood looking at each other. I knelt down and opened my arms, knowing that they could very well run because of the blood splattered across my armor. They hung back, but finally crept into my arms. I held them, feeling them silently cry.

“Makalaurë?” I tilted my face upwards to study my older brother, knowing why he was speaking Quenya at such a time. “We need to leave. Bring the children with you-- we may be able to use them as hostages.”

Responding in the same language, I said, “And if they are useless as such?”

Maitimo paused. “Then I wish you joy in fatherhood.”

I watched him stride off, calling away those troops that had remained loyal to us, for not all had. I picked up the children, settling them as best as I could, though I knew my armor was far from comfortable, and followed my brother out of the burning town.

I buried my face in my hands, and shoved the papers away before my tears could smear the ink. I’d torn apart a family, ruined hundreds of lives, killed-- and now the father of the children I had raised due to those actions wished to speak with me. I would not deny that my family's actions may have had a part to play in Elros' choosing mortality, and that Elrond had known sorrow at a time of his life when he should have only known joy. I knew the blame did not rest entirely on me-- Elwing herself shared some of it-- but much did.

I walked onto the balcony, momentarily disturbing Tirn's intense focus on the sea birds flying around. Facing the sea, I sat on the railing, listening to the waves crashing. What was I doing here? How could I pretend to myself that everything would be fine when things clearly weren’t? How could I have imagined I would be forgiven easily? That Narmincë wished to communicate with me and eventually see me was something I had wished for desperately, and barely dared to dream about. Sometimes, knowing she was alive and relatively unaffected by the war in Beleriand and other places across Middle-earth, was the one thing that had enabled me to survive. It had been my hope that she would want me, and letters were the start, though hopefully not the end. I had been here for nearly two months, and other than her and Finarfin-- who probably wished to see me for official reasons only-- no one else beside those in the House had made any effort to contact me. None of my friends from Beleriand, or from Tirion, or-- though I could understand why-- from Alqualondë. No matter Elrond's thoughts, I was an outcast and I always would be.

So why did Eärendil wish to see me? To berate me? To thank me? Something else? A mixture? I wouldn't know for another week and a half, for I would avoid Elrond's parents until then. I shook my head and glanced at Tirn when he woofed. I glanced around, but there was nothing of importance I could see or hear, so ignored it. Why had I asked Elrond to schedule the meeting for after my performance? Why not before? I was going to be nervous enough, and now I had this to worry about as well. But this was going to be my first performance since my exile-- I wouldn't have been able to concentrate on being coherent at the meeting. I groaned. There was no way out of this cycle.

Swinging off the railing and landing on the balcony, I said to my shepherd, “Let's go to the beach.”

He immediately scrambled inside and down the stairs. I laughed and locked the balcony door behind me. Once outside, Tirn joyfully galloped down the trail and splashed into the water. I laughed at the sight of the overgrown puppy galavanting in the surf and settled myself on the sand to watch until he wanted to play with me. He was a wonderful distraction from the news Elrond had given to me.